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One-Liner Jokes

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    #3962
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The mother in law came for Sunday dinner

    While we were eating she asked, "why does the dog sitting here on the floor keep staring at me?"





















    I replied, "you're using his plate".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3963
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have just had to tell my suitcases that we are not going on holiday this year.

    Now I have to deal with a whole load of emotional baggage.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3964
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,986 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Bought a new shrub trimmer today. I proudly showed it my son. "Check this out!" I said.

    He replied, "That's great dad."

    I said, "It's cutting hedge technology!"


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    #3965
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,986 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery....

    She was in charge of the hops!


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    #3966
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was really surprised to see my neighbour stacking washing powder in Tesco yesterday.

    I said to him "I thought you said you were a stunt pilot?"

    "No", he replied, "I said I was part of the Ariel display team."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3967
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I asked the librarian to recommend an author who writes dinosaur books.

    "Try Sarah Topps," she replied.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3968
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I called a local restaurant the other night and said, “Do you do takeaways?” They said “Yes”, so I said “what’s 23452 minus 345?”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3969
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "What kills the Corona Virus?"

    She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

    I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3970
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded...

    There was nothing left but de brie!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3971
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,907 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

    Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him .....bystanders said people did try to warn him...

    Would you believe I only just got this now:o. Talk about slow on the uptake !


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    #3972
    Timberrrrrrrr
    Registered Users Posts: 25,407 ✭✭✭✭Timberrrrrrrr


    trashcan wrote: »
    Would you believe I only just got this now:o. Talk about slow on the uptake !

    Cheesus christ :)


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    #3973
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,261 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Did you hear about the French floor-coverings factory that exploded?

    Linoleum blown apart all over France.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3974
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,249 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    trashcan wrote: »
    Would you believe I only just got this now:o. Talk about slow on the uptake !

    I still haven't.


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    #3975
    Timberrrrrrrr
    Registered Users Posts: 25,407 ✭✭✭✭Timberrrrrrrr


    Victor wrote: »
    I still haven't.

    The crowd shouted CHEESE!!!! to warn him, But photographer thought they were saying CHEEEEEEEESE for the picture.


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    #3976
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,321 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »
    The crowd shouted CHEESE!!!! to warn him, But photographer thought they were saying CHEEEEEEEESE for the picture.

    I’ve been laughing at this joke all day. Brilliant! :D


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    #3977
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    I like Edam because it’s made backwards.


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    #3978
    Denny61
    Registered Users Posts: 819 ✭✭✭Denny61


    Gloomtastic! wrote: »
    I’ve been laughing at this joke all day. Brilliant! :D

    I don't get it..explain


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    #3979
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,321 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Denny61 wrote: »
    I don't get it..explain

    A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

    Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him .....bystanders said people did try to warn him...

    So the people sitting for the photo were shouting ‘Cheese!’ at the photographer but he didn’t realise it was a warning.

    Geddit?


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    #3980
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,907 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Denny61 wrote: »
    I don't get it..explain

    These cows are small. Those ones over there are far away. Small.... faaaraway.


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    #3981
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,364 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Cows make milk. Milk makes cheese.


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    #3982
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    New Home wrote: »
    Cows make milk. Milk makes cheese.
    Did the cows stampede and kill the photographer so.? :)


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    #3983
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,003 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    I like Edam because it’s made backwards.

    That's very Gouda.


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    #3984
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    I didn't slice my cheese when making a sandwich today. I had grater plans for it.


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    #3985
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,020 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Read a very good book about a famer who made excellent dairy products in the middle east called Cheesus of Nazareth....

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #3986
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,003 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »
    Read a very good book about a famer who made excellent dairy products in the middle east called Cheesus of Nazareth....

    As a Kid he was known as the Baby Cheesus.


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    #3987
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    joeguevara wrote: »
    As a Kid he was known as the Baby Cheesus.
    Surely this thread has fallen at the final curdle


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    #3988
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,003 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Emmersonn wrote: »
    Surely this thread has fallen at the final curdle

    We are whey past that.


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    #3989
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Emmersonn wrote: »
    Surely this thread has fallen at the final curdle

    The cheesy ones are getting a bit tired all right. Let's try come up with a few crackers instead.


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    #3990
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,003 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    The cheesy ones are getting a bit tired all right. Let's try come up with a few crackers instead.

    I am getting feta up with this.


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    #3991
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    this is just no Gouda


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