One-Liner Jokes

everlast75

I've lost my wife's audiobook...

I'll never hear the end of it!

greenspurs

My wife hates me messing with her red wine...
so I added some fruit and lemonade to it …
Shes sangria than ever !

MonkieSocks

A new show called Thesaurus has just opened on the West end.... Its a play on words.

trashcan

I found a €20 note in the car park of Tesco the other day. After some deliberating as to what was the right thing to do, I asked myself, What would Jesus do?

So I turned it into wine.

barneygumble99

I tried swimming with dolphins, but I didn't like it, as I found them very clicky.

MonkieSocks

I'm reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

barneygumble99

I was telling my therapist how I always seem to misjudge situations, and he replied “Are you going to buy that couch or not?”

chooseusername

Diane Abbott was asked to explain differences between the Sunni and Shia. “I can’t tell you which one is which", she said,"but they sang ‘I Got You, Babe‘.”

MonkieSocks

What's the difference between a kilometre long queue at IKEA and a kilometre long queue at the Houses of Parliament?

At IKEA at least you get a decent cabinet at the end

New Home

MonkieSocks wrote: »

What's the difference between a kilometre long queue at IKEA and a kilometre long queue at the Houses of Parliament?

At IKEA at least you get a decent cabinet at the end

Yes, but you have to assemble it yourself!

greenspurs

Why did the vegan cross the road ?

To tell someone he was vegan ….

MonkieSocks

A photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks him if he has any luggage.

The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

Zirconia

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
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.
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.
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....a carrot!

el_gaucho

Zirconia wrote: »

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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....a carrot!

Do you think the carrot was named before the orange?

Uncle Pierre

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2.....

Uncle Pierre

Got a great deal on a new TV today. 65" smart TV with a sign on it that said "Special offer: €199. Please note: volume is stuck on maximum".

I thought to myself: "I can't turn it down........."

barneygumble99

I didn’t want to buy a hammock, but the salesman was very persuasive, and I’m easily swayed.

barneygumble99

I really must stop stealing nuns' dirty clothes. It's a filthy habit.

gormdubhgorm

What do you call a woman between two walls?

Elaine

MonkieSocks

Been a funny old day today really.

First, I found a hat full of money, then I got chased down the street by some foul mouthed bloke waving a guitar at me!

Worztron

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster!

MonkieSocks

What prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

MonkieSocks

Has anyone tried Stallone's scones?

They're the best thing since Sly's bread.

MonkieSocks

What do a puppy and a short sighted gynecologist have in common?

They both have a wet nose

MonkieSocks

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool.

First sociologist says, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the second one replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

MonkieSocks

Every time I leave the house, I keep getting followed by a bird with long legs.

I think I'm being storked

MonkieSocks

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks.

MOR316

I'm fed up with my mates. This is the 3rd time they've said they'd go with me to a Whitesnake gig and then backed out at the last minute!

Here I go again on my own

greenspurs

Why are Mountain ranges funny??


Cos they are hill areas …………..

MonkieSocks

It's fancy dress week at work, so every day I'm dressing up as a different type of bread.

Roll on Friday!