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One-Liner Jokes

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    #3812
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,993 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    People often ask me how I smuggle chocolate into the cinema?

    Well...

    I have a few Twix up my sleeve!


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    #3813
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,993 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths

    Blacksmith: “Are you any good at shoeing horses?"

    I said: “No but I once told a Donkey to f**k off"


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    #3814
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    chooseusername wrote: »
    The wife and I went grocery shopping with masks on. Got home, took our masks off and I had brought the wrong wife home. Stay alert everyone.
    Or your wife got a good offer at the supermarket !


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    #3815
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

    Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3816
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,593 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
    Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

    370HSSV - 0773H

    Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

    No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

    Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

    "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."


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    #3817
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Did you not read the name of the thread?


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    #3818
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,593 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Did you not read the name of the thread?
    OK , so, here you go; 370HSSV - 0773H


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    #3819
    bonzodog2
    Registered Users Posts: 6,210 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    I have just been offered a job by one of the "Big Four" accounting organizations. I'm Deloitte'd


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    #3820
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    What has two bottoms and kills people? An assassin.


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    #3821
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst!


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    #3822
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Tetleys say the best way to make a good cup of tea is to use boiling water and agitate the bag.

    So every morning, I pull the covers off, slap her arse and shout "two sugars fatty"beatdeadhorse.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3823
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Q: How many General Relativity theorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to rotate space

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3824
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3825
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Imagine how many text/WhatsApp messages have been sent between male secondary school students, simply containing the question, "When is your Mother reopening?"


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    #3826
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    If anyone wants to come talk to me about my really bad carpentry skills …..

    My door is always open …...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3827
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    How do you help a citrus fruit? Lemon aid.


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    #3828
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    The other day at the zoo I saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.


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    #3829
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I just spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do.


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    #3830
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


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    #3831
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Orions Belt is a huge waist of space ….

    Bad joke - only 3 stars
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3832
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,667 ✭✭✭Worztron


    A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #3833
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.


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    #3834
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,593 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Flat Earthers fear social distancing could lead to psychological issues and self-isolation could push some people over the edge.


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    #3835
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3836
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My parents made me go on holiday to Stockholm with them, I didn't like it at first

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3837
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My girlfriend and I went on our ninth date to see the Batman film.

    Our dates so far can be summarised as follows - Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3838
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My friend has just had a penis extension.

    He's struggling to sell the house.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3839
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,993 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I like jokes about eyes.


    The cornea, the better...


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    #3840
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Two fleas come out of a concert. "Should we walk or take a lab?"


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    #3841
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    My friend has just had a penis extension.

    He's struggling to sell the house.
    How big is it ? I wear a big Hat !


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