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One-Liner Jokes

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    #3782
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    chooseusername wrote: »
    Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?
    They eat their bats :D

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdlTIG0yHnE


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    #3783
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just grilled a chicken.

    It still wouldnt tell me why it crossed the road.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3784
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,907 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Apparently Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with severe arthritis. He told reporters “I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.....’


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    #3785
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A book fell on Sean Connery's head yesterday.

    I guess he only had his shelf to blame.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3786
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    A Sausage Roll went into a pub and ordered a pint
    I'm sorry, said the Barman, We don't serve food...


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  • Options
    #3787
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    Why did the pervert cross the road ?
    He could not get his knob out of the chicken.


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    #3788
    bilbot79
    Registered Users Posts: 1,980 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    Do you know what's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

    Dubai don't like the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do


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    #3789
    tedpan
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 4,627 Mod ✭✭✭✭tedpan


    What's brown and sticky?



    A stick.


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    #3790
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    bilbot79 wrote: »
    Do you know what's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

    Dubai don't like the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do

    Oh, man!
    Oman


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    #3791
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    What's the main cause of dry skin?
    Towels


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  • Options
    #3792
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    tedpan wrote: »
    What's brown and sticky?



    A stick.
    What do you call a boomarang that doesnt come back ?
    A stick !


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    #3793
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,593 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Simon Harris recently went to a small isolated village in the middle of nowhere to ask about their problems

    "We have two big needs", said the village spokesman. “First, we have an shiny new medical centre but no doctor .”

    Harris whipped out his mobile phone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

    “We have no cellphone reception ..."


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    #3794
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A worker goes to his boss and says "boss, I have a problem"

    The boss replies, "Ted, in this business we don't have problems, we have opportunities"

    Ted replies, "in that case I have a drinking opportunity'

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3795
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3796
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    What do you call a vegan with diarrhoea?

    A smoothie maker.


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    #3797
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A friend of mine works for Aer Lingus, so at the moment he's out of work.

    I asked him if he'd like to do some decorating at my place.
    He jumped at the chance. I must say he made a lovely job of the landing.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3798
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A lady walks into a Geordie hairdressers. 'Can you give me a perm?' she asks.
    'Certainly, Madam' says the hairdresser, 'Ah wandered lernly as a clood...'

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3799
    Sherry Baby
    Closed Accounts Posts: 46 ✭Sherry Baby


    I hate Russian Dolls.

    They are so full of themselves.


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    #3800
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3801
    Mental Mickey
    Registered Users Posts: 10,635 ✭✭✭✭Mental Mickey


    Donald J. Trump


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    #3802
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The wife’s doctor told her she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

    I got the divorce papers today.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3803
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My trousers spontaneously combusted the other day. Probably my fault for wearing flares!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3804
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    What do call a mushroom in a pub telling jokes and buying drinks for everyone ?
    A fungi to be with....
    I'll get my coat............


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    #3805
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two flies in the front room, which one is female?




    The one on the phone.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3806
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Did you hear about the anesthetist who couldn’t decide whether to knock out his patients with gas or with a boat paddle?


    It was an Ether/Oar situation.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3807
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Anyone see the new film "Aluminium Man" ?


    He goes around foiling crime …..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3808
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,907 ✭✭✭trashcan


    As Col Tom Moore celebrates his 100th birthday its sad to see that he is no longer allowed lego (ages 4-99).


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    #3809
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Have you see that new Australian TV show where celebrities have to dance in rice? ...It’s called Waltz in my Tilda.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3810
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,593 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    The wife and I went grocery shopping with masks on. Got home, took our masks off and I had brought the wrong wife home. Stay alert everyone.


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    #3811
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,271 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was chatting (via Zoom) with a fellow car enthusiast earlier in the week.

    He was telling me that he has developed a lockdown skill of doing up nuts and bolts by clenching the spanner between his butt cheeks.

    Frankly, I think he was torquing out of his arse.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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