One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks

Doctor, Doctor. I sometimes get confused and think I'm Goofy, then I think I'm Donald Duck, and then I'm Mickey Mouse.




"How long have you been having these Disney spells?"

greenspurs

Ever noticed how many F1 drivers have names associated with Scotland ?

Stirling Moss
Lewis Hamilton
Eddie Irvine
Ayr town centre …………..

MonkieSocks

Maria, a devout Irish Catholic got married and had 15 children.

After that her husband Paddy passed away.


Maria went on to remarry Mick, Paddy’s brother, and had another 15 children.

He also passed away, and soon after that Maria died as well.


At Maria’s funeral, Father Flanagan looked skyward and said “at least there’re finally together.

Her sister Patricia, sitting in the front row said,

“Excuse me Father, but do you mean she and her first husband or she and her second husband?”



Fathers Flanagan replied “I mean her legs”

greenspurs

I just bought some wireless Topiary shears.


Its cutting hedge technology.

MonkieSocks

What do you call a magic dog?





A Labracadabrador.

greenspurs

My room mate thinks im a schizophrenic!!!



Hes wrong though , I don't even have a room mate !!!!!

MonkieSocks

An Englishman, a Frenchman a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some fantastic juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he climbs on to a large box and calls out “Can you see me now?”.

“Yes”.
“Oui”.
“Si”.
“Ja”.

MonkieSocks

A blind man walks into a bar.
Then a table.
Then a chair.......

greenspurs

My least favourite colour is purple

I hate it more than red and blue combined....

MonkieSocks

I’ve recently been dating a homeless woman and things are getting serious....

She wants me to move out with her.

greenspurs

My badly written book about lighting fires is already out ………….

Markcheese

greenspurs wrote: »

My room mate thinks im a schizophrenic!!!



Hes wrong though , I don't even have a room mate !!!!!

My therapist jokes that I might be a schizophrenic, jokes on him though, I don't even have a therapist...

MonkieSocks

My therapist told me I had, Multiple Personality Disorder.


I was beside meself with anger

MonkieSocks

What a waste of an evening last night was.

I went to a faith healer at my local hall but he was shiot.

Even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

greenspurs

slept on a bag of rice last night....

It actually wasn't that uncomfortable though … I was asleep as soon as I hit the pilau ...

MonkieSocks

A collector of marine mammals was very dissatisfied with the new aquarium he bought through Amazon.




He had to report it, as it was not fit for porpoise.

Infernal Racket

I walked into a library and asked the librarian for a book about suicide. She said "****off, you wont bring it back"

MonkieSocks

I've been trying to get my girlfriend to indulge me in my keyring fetish but she just kept fobbing me off.

MonkieSocks

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman, and says, 'Five beers, please.'

greenspurs

Did you hear about the cowboy whos chaps, cowboy boots and hat were made out of brown paper?


He was wanted in several states for rustling …………..

trashcan

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman, and says, 'Five beers, please.'

That took me a minute

MonkieSocks

To the person who stole my Trainers and Hivis rain jacket.

You can run, but you can't hide.

cobweb

a skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a pint and a mop

MonkieSocks

A Shopworker feels horny and decides to have a **** there and then
Frapping away he hears the owner approaching, he panics and shoves his codgery into the till.

"You look happy!" says the owner.

"Yeah," replies the worker,

"I"ve just come into some money."

MonkieSocks

My Grandads got the heart of a lion.

He’s now banned from every zoo in the country.

MonkieSocks

My wife was arrested for defacing a library book, she Tippexed out all the full stops.




The judge said she should expect a long sentence.

MonkieSocks

I was lying in bed in a German hospital when Hair Ductor came in and asked me how I was feeling.

'An odd thing happened earlier' I said 'I thought I saw a sausage flying past the window, but then I realised it was a small bird'.

'I see' he replied 'I think you may have taken a Tern for the Wurst.'

MonkieSocks

Last night I dreamt I was weightless, I was like 0mg.

TheBody

People think I’m no good at climbing mountains but I’ve a few tricks up my sliabh.

MonkieSocks

First the Dodo died.

Then Di died and Dodi died.

Dido must be sh1ttin herself.