One-Liner Jokes

The Royal Scam

I do not like those Russian Dolls. They are so full of themselves

MonkieSocks

A prostitute goes to the doctor complaining of morning sickness.

The doctor says, "congratulations!

Do you know who the father is?"

The prossy replies, "if you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

jharr100

My mum and dad were dwarfs ..


All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.

MonkieSocks

A man is lying in bed with his wife, she rolls over and says,

"Say something Durty to me

He replies, "the dishes."

MonkieSocks

A lonely old man decides to get a pet caterpillar...

He takes the pet caterpillar home and sets up a cage for him.


The next morning, the man goes up to the cage and asks the caterpillar, "Hey, would you like to go out to breakfast with me?"

The caterpillar does not respond.



Lunch comes around and the man again goes to the cage and asks, "Would you like to go to lunch with me?"

The caterpillar still does not respond and the man walks away sad.



Dinner comes around and again, the man goes to the cage and asks, "Hey would you please like to go to dinner with me?"

To which the caterpillar responds, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

Comer1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A lonely old man decides to get a pet caterpillar...

He takes the pet caterpillar home and sets up a cage for him.


The next morning, the man goes up to the cage and asks the caterpillar, "Hey, would you like to go out to breakfast with me?"

The caterpillar does not respond.



Lunch comes around and the man again goes to the cage and asks, "Would you like to go to lunch with me?"

The caterpillar still does not respond and the man walks away sad.



Dinner comes around and again, the man goes to the cage and asks, "Hey would you please like to go to dinner with me?"

To which the caterpillar responds, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

One liner?

MonkieSocks

Comer1 wrote: »

One liner?

Read it one line at a time

Comer1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Read it one line at a time

That joke had more lines than the caterpillar had shoes!

MonkieSocks

Comer1 wrote: »

That joke had more lines than the caterpillar had shoes!

And thats' why caterpillars can't walk the talk

tusk

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman, and says, 'Five beers, please.'

Wonderful giifage

MonkieSocks

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally, the kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

BorneTobyWilde

I went into a record store and asked ''what have you by the doors,'' he said a bucket of sand and a fire blanket.

MonkieSocks

A man and his wife are driving down the road as the wife says, "I want a divorce."

The man says nothing, just speeds up slightly.


The wife continues, "That's not all. I'm taking the house, the car, the kids, and the bank account."

Again the man says nothing, only speeding up a little.


The wife, getting angry, yells at him, "Don't you have anything to say?"

The man replies, "Nope. I have everything I need."

The wife asks him, "What do you have?"

Just as they are about to slam into a tree the man yells, "The Airbag -

MonkieSocks

Someone just dumped a load of soil on my allotment.
.
The plot thickens.

MonkieSocks

My other half says I’m tight! So, to prove her wrong, I took her out for tea and biscuits.

Quite exciting really, I’ve never given blood before.

trashcan

Velcro, what a rip off.

BorneTobyWilde

I asked by Barber to cut my hair like Tom Cruises, so he picked me up under by arms and sat me on a pillow.

MonkieSocks

I had a game of Quiet Tennis today.
















It’s like Regular Tennis just without the Racket.

beauf

For any one highly strung.

MonkieSocks

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.


"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim.

When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see.

If you can prove it, I'll let you go."



The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently.

A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

MonkieSocks

Dave and his wife Vera went to the village fair every year, and every year Dave would say,

'Vera,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Vera always replied,

'I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid'


One year Dave and Vera went to the fair, and Dave said,

'Vera, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Vera replied,

"Dave that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid'


The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty pounds.'

Dave and Vera are made up, so they agree and up they went.


The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Dave and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Dave replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Vera fell out, but you know, Fifty quid is fifty quid!'

MonkieSocks

An Eagle goes searching for a mate.

He swoops down and picks up a loon.

The loon looks up at him and coos,
“I’m a loon, I’m a loon, I love to spoon.”

The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon away and finds a hawk, which immediately starts repeating,
“I’m a hawk, I’m a hawk, I just want to talk.”

Realizing that that will not work, he kicks off the hawk and soon catches a dove.
She croons, “I’m a dove, I’m a dove, I love to love.”

Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and flies over to the lake where he picks up a Duck.

The duck turns to him and quacks,
“I’m a drake, I’m a drake, you made a mistake!”

MonkieSocks

Skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a mop

Dtp1979

John walks into a bar on top of a skyscraper. He sits down beside a guy drinking a pint of Guinness.
The Guinness drinker lets his pint down, gets up and jumps off the roof, leaving John speechless.

2 minutes later the same guy walks back into the bar, orders another Guinness and jumps again.

This process is repeated a few times. John doesn’t know what’s going on. The next time the guy came back John asks, “how the hell are you doing that”.

The man replies, “it’s all in the Guinness”.

So John promptly orders a Guinness, drinks it down, runs to the edge and jumps. He dies.

The barman turns to the guy.....
“ you’re some cnut with drink in you, superman “

MonkieSocks

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.



"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards,

but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man.


"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man,


"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied.


"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green.

And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.



"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree,bounced through some bushes,

careened off a big rock and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within four inches of the hole."



"You missed the fookin putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

MonkieSocks

There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it.


One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!"

She immediately dropped dead.


The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!"

She immediately dropped dead.


Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth.

She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.

Sheridan81

Best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe festival 2019:


I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.

Tammy!

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.

MonkieSocks

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian"

trashcan

Sheridan81 wrote: »

Best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe festival 2019:


I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.

I preferred some of the other nominees

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.

A cowboy asked could I help him round up 18 cows, I said, of course, that's 20 cows.

I've got an Eton themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dads contacts.