The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

kfallon · 16-07-2011 3:07pm

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

ericl · 16-07-2011 3:13pm

Give a blonde a fish and she'll eat for a day.

Give her a fishing rod and she'll fcuking choke to death.

kfallon · 16-07-2011 3:17pm

A bloke parks his car in a disabled spot and walks away.
The parking warden calls after him "Oi, what's your disability?"
Bloke replies "Tourettes, you c*nt. Now f*ck off!"

Newly-weds arrive at their honeymoon destination and check into hotel.
Receptionist asks the groom, 'Do you have any reservations?'
He replies, 'Yeah, she won't take it up the a*se'

Dwarf walks into a brothel......and got a box in the head

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard
on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?...
I couldn't even get on the f**king bed.."

kfallon · 16-07-2011 3:18pm

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up

silvine · 16-07-2011 3:29pm

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

Siberian pine needle · 16-07-2011 6:19pm

Why didnt rover bark??

cos rovers a fish!!

barone · 17-07-2011 9:47am

BBC health news: Adventurous sex-life boosts intelligence.

I truly believe this. Two nights ago the wife rode me 'reverse cowgirl' for a good hour and a half and now I'm like Stephen Hawking...

Still can't feel my legs.

My wife left me for a Hindu man.

At least he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

Naikon · 17-07-2011 9:49am

silvine wrote: »

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

This is possibly the worst joke I have heard in my life. No joke.

Mr.Crinklewood · 17-07-2011 10:51am

Throwing in one put into the bad coke thread.

Some guy attacked my camel with a Whopper Meal last night, as a result the camel is now in a wheelchair.

The burger container did not do much damage, neither did the cup, it was the straw that broke the camels back.

barone · 17-07-2011 1:17pm

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter fromhis girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I
can't quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

duploelabs · 18-07-2011 8:09pm

I was really hoping at least one of these jokes would make me laugh,

but no pun in ten did

Spread · 18-07-2011 8:22pm

duploelabs wrote: »

I was really hoping at least one of these jokes would make me laugh,

but no pun in ten did

Which leaves the possibility that (at the mo) 127 possibly did. Can't be a bit more specific, can you? After all, you're on a serious thread

Dionysus · 18-07-2011 8:24pm

Heard in response to the usual "Paddy" jokes where the Irish are the thicks:

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Scotsman, and Paddy the Welshman were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save the others.

"I do this for the glory of Scotland," said Paddy the Scotsman and he jumped out.

"We need to lose more weight," said the captain, so Paddy the Welshman shouted, "I do this for the glory of Wales," and jumped out.

"Sorry," said the captain. "I'm afraid we need to lose the weight of just one more person."

"I do this for the glory of Ireland," said Paddy the Irishman and threw out Paddy the Englishman.

Dionysus · 18-07-2011 8:27pm

I also loved the Peig Sayers Agony Aunt column from the lifesajoke website years ago (which somebody here has preserved):

Dear Peig,

I am small for my age (14) and I am being bullied in school by the bigger boys. They take my lunch every day and then beat me up, just for the craic. Who should I turn to? Should I tell the headmaster?

Peig says:

Are you mental? As every decent Irish person knows, an informer is the lowest form of human life. You have plenty of other options: Why not sneak around to their houses at night with some petrol and torch them? Or get yourself a vicious dog and train him to attack. If they keep taking your lunch, why not poison your food, then shed crocodile tears as they are carted off to the hospital. But remember, whatever you say, say nothing - especially to the teachers, your parents, the gardai, and the judge. When you appear in the dock, simply give a clenched fist salute and say: "I refuse to recognise the authority of this court."

Peig Sayers

Dionysus · 18-07-2011 8:28pm

And another from the Peig Sayers Agony Aunt column:

Dear Peig,

I am 15 and I have been going out with 'Dangerous Dáithí' for three months. I am very happy, like, when I'm kissing him, but he keeps pestering me to go to 'the whole way'. He says that if I really loved him I would do 'it'. He also says that if we do 'the bad thing' standing up it is biologically impossible for me to get, you know. I just don't feel that I'm 'ready'. What should I do?

Peig says:

Stop whining and get on with it, girl! How can young Dáithí be sure of your love unless you're willing to go the whole way with him? If you're nervous, just knock back a few Bacardi Breezers to steady your nerves. And as a trained nurse, I can tell you that doing the bad thing standing up -- or to use the Latin, Jobus Standiupus -- is totally safe.

admiralofthefleet · 18-07-2011 8:36pm

how do you make a hormone?

you kick her in the gee

jimthemental · 18-07-2011 8:37pm

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman are driving towards each other on a winding, narrow road. Going at speed around the turns when they eventually meet they crash the cars but not as bad as a head on collision would've been.

Both men climb from their cars and check to see the other is okay before they start to talk. Paddy Irishman tells Paddy Englishman how lucky they are to be alive and that they should toast their fortune as he produces a bottle of Jameson from the boot of his car. He offers the first swig to Paddy Englishman who says, "God Paddy we're lucky, I wish you and your people the best of luck in the future." He then throws back a fair portion of the whiskey before offering it to Paddy Irishman who says,

"No thanks, I'll wait till the Gardaí have come and gone!"

lecker Hendl · 19-07-2011 12:27am

I saw a guy from the AA Roadwatch pulled in to the side of the road, crying uncontrollably today. I thought to myself, he's heading for a breakdown...

policarp · 19-07-2011 7:09am

Jackie the Kerryman and Damo the Dublinman
were walking through a field one day, when
Jackie says to Damo "Look at the dead crow."
Damo looks up to the sky and asks, "Where? Jackie. Where?"

Blisterman · 19-07-2011 11:24am

After thirty years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He paused a moment and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H. And I, J, K." She asked, "Just what does that mean?" He replied, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily. "That's lovely! But what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

castletownman · 19-07-2011 12:32pm

The world potato eating championships were held in Manchester last week. The winner got a potato clock. The others got up at nine.

Tarkus · 19-07-2011 12:51pm

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"

Nforce · 19-07-2011 12:55pm

Man walks into Super Drug, asks "Do you have any KY jelly" the assistant replies " No sorry,... have you tried Boots" the man replies.............. "I wanna slide in not fcukin' march in"!!

Gracelessly Tom · 19-07-2011 1:33pm

An English barrister is holidaying in Ireland and is speeding along the roads of the west coast when a Garda car flashes his lights and signals for him to pull over.

Once he has pulled over the garda approaches and in a thick country accent asks "Sir, are you aware that you passed a stop sign and you failed to stop the progress of your vehicle fully?" The English barrister thinks to himself "I'm not letting some stupid paddy lecture me on the law and rules of the road" and he turns to the Garda and says "But I did slow down and check no other traffic was coming Guard"

The Garda then says to the barrister, "Sir, the sign said stop and you failed to stop, I'm afraid I'll have to issue you with a ticket."

The English barrister decides to outsmart the thick paddy and says "Tell you what, if you can demonstrate the difference between slow down and stop I'll gladly accompany you to the station and spend a night in jail, if you can't I get to go on my way?"

The garda thinks it over and says "Fair enough. Sir, please step out of your vehicle."

The English barrister is puzzled but goes along with the request and steps out of the car.

Immediately the garda pulls out his truncheon and starts to beat the sh1t of the barrister. After a minute he looks down while hammering away at the Englishmans body and says "Now sir, do you want me to slow down or stop?"

19-07-2011 2:44pm

People have stopped talking to me because I recite jokes from this thread on an almost continuous basis.

I hope you're all happy.

Mars Bar · 19-07-2011 2:50pm

What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt.

Tarkus · 19-07-2011 7:19pm

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover yourself 'down there' with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

patmac · 19-07-2011 8:00pm

Mick Hucknall was arrested for having sex with a rabbit, apparently he was caught in a field holding back the ears singing bunnies too tight to mention.

Pandora2 · 19-07-2011 11:04pm

patmac wrote: »

Mick Hucknall was arrested for having sex with a rabbit, apparently he was caught in a field holding back the ears singing bunnies too tight to mention.

Conjured up a mental picture of that....too funny:D:D:D:D

A man caught a taxi just going by as he wanted one
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!” Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died. I'm married to his fu**in' widow." :rolleyes::rolleyes::D

Tarkus · 20-07-2011 2:14am

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is

(It was valid).

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card

(The driver owned it)

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but I can assure you there's no gun in it

(Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box).

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: A WHAT??? Good heavens, I hope not!!!

(Trunk is opened - no body).

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: - Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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