Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 1:51pm

Scarinae wrote: »

Your wife knows about your affair and other extramarital sex; do you know if she has told any of her family or friends about it?

You have said yourself that you and your wife are not very well matched. Do you think you staying in this relationship with your wife is stopping her from meeting someone who would be better for her?

She has told her friends, I got a message from one of them on FB about it. I don't believe any of her family knows. She comes from a pretty conservative American Christian background. Her mother for example was very upset with her when she found out we were having our first kid.

I have thought about if she would be happier with someone else. She met up with an old school acquaintance, who she ended up sleeping with. She seemed to get on well with him, more laughter and whatnot, but she said that he wasn't what she wanted. We don't get on badly mind, but there are just areas aren't in snyc. Our humour is different, we don't share passions or activities, and that's been a reoccurring source of friction.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:00pm

Zamboni wrote: »

There are kids involved so they come first.
You are right - if you separate it will be a disruptive sh1show, for the kids and the economic circumstances of the family.

My question is - can you manage to have no further affairs/sexual contact with anyone, outside of your wife, until your youngest has reached at least 18? Support your wife whilst she develops her career so that she can become financially independent of you and then you can decide jointly whether to separate or repair the marriage.
I don't know if that is 16 years or 5 but I am sure you agree your wife and kids come before your sexual appetite and that it can be put on hold until they reach adulthood? Getting that priority wrong was the initial error. Can you now attempt to correct it.
Also, can you get a job that doesn't require travel and remove yourself from further opportunities from temptation.

To answer your last question first, I'm stuck with my job for at least the next 5 years. After that, I'm not sure, but saying that, the temptation is in my mind. I have to deal with it regardless of where I find myself.

I'm not without agency over myself, and can certainly control how I act. I don't know I would be able to forge a relationship with my wife, or maybe anyone, with exclusive monogamy long term.

doodledoo2 · 12-02-2020 2:12pm

begbysback wrote: »

That’s the thing about society’s acceptance of monogamy, anything else causes conflict between couples, would it have been easier on the kids if both you and your husband had an amicable split, did you use the kids against your husband? There’s a big difference between splitting up and abandoning a child.

Yes there is a big difference. I think our situation was very unique. When I said he had an affair, it was actually a one night stand in a different country that he decided to pursue. The first thing he told the kids after saying he was leaving, is that he'll always be here for them, to mind and care for them as before. That was a Friday, by the Monday he was on a plane back to the US. This continued for months, often with him pretending he wasn't over there when he was. Obviously that led to the kids feeling rejected and abandoned repeatedly by him. It felt like he went on a holiday and just never bothered coming home, very hard for them to process.

At no time in the last year and a half have all the 3 kids been comfortable seeing him, 2 out of 3 was as good as it got but depending on his behaviour, it was a different child/children at different times. I get blamed for that by him which I think shows a true lack of insight/responsibility for his actions.

I was not set up to suddenly become a single mam. I had to take sudden days off work to cover when he would have previously minded them, had to call in favours from family and friends, had to figure out Christmas last minute on my own (no financial input given either), had to navigate the house refurb we were in the middle of (that he insisted on doing), I would lie awake wondering how I'd get all the kids out on time if there was a fire. He pays no maintenance, only half of the mortgage and some of the bills. This month he earned €12,000 and me €1,200 (part time worker). We've been through court but he doesn't comply and the arrears keep building. My youngest understands she has to wait for three days to receive her birthday presents this month as I can't afford anything until then.

He doesn't comply with the access order but rather flits in and out, maybe only inviting one kid to McDonald's/cinema/shopping trip/holiday etc. The hardest part is watching how it has divided the children as the one who goes will get to eat and watch crap til whenever but the ones who stay at home have to eat their greens, do their homework, get to bed on time, etc. It is very hard to be the only parent who implements any rules and discipline and very hard to ensure this doesn't drive a wedge between them and me. Of course I have lots of fun with them too and we have movie nights with pizza etc, but it's not all fun and games like it is when they're with their dad.

I'm not naive enough to think all parents should stay together but there are ways to end a marriage when children are involved. For a start you should mention (at least once!) to your spouse that you're unhappy with the status quo, probably attend mediation to agree a sensible and fair parenting plan, and ensure that finances and logistics have been worked out satisfactorily.
Sorry for going on, believe it or not there are worse parts that I've left out! But it's possibly a handy guide on what Not to do when ending a marriage!

IAMAMORON · 12-02-2020 2:15pm

Are you still having sex with your wife?

Is she having sex with anyone else?

Is your wife having sex with anyone without your knowledge?

Have you got your wife's phone number? ( sorry I couldn't help myself:p)

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:16pm

manonboard wrote: »

Hey OP.

Thanks for doing this AMA.

I dont condone your actions at all, but i also have no judgement towards them. Life is so complex, and to find oneself in a relationship with kids is of such a box in some ways, that fitting in that box could be terrible for some. Some people will find liberation in being great in that role, others will feel suffocated.

Anyways, I have questions!

Is there anything your wife could have done differently that would of avoided you having affairs? what needs were not being met?

Do you think you failed to do something differently to bring whatever you needed into your relationship to meet your needs? or where things just not possible in that way? or you didnt know how?

I think if I had been more thoughtful, and gone about addressing my needs with her, we could've come to some agreement. She's always been open to trying new things. The issue, for me, is that while was always willing, she didn't really want to do it. When we met with another couple, she was doing to check it to a box for me , so to speak, but she didn't get any enjoyment out of it. I was always the one pulling us to do things.

I don't think she would've been on board with me having sexual experiences with another man for example.

In terms of trust, do you feel that its possible to repair trust after the current situation? Do you feel you both have the possibility to let go of past wrongs and start afresh?

I don't think it's possible to ever completely repair that broken bond. It's always going to be a source of fear and doubt for her. Completely understandably so, and given the demands of my job, it's something that will continue to pressure the relationship. Every time I leave, it is another opportunity for me to betray her, in her eyes.

Can you tell us any of the moments/needs/accidents/lackings that made you start to turn towards these other avenues?

It started because I was curious about exploring a bisexual side of myself, and I realised I wouldn't have the ability to do that with my wife, or at least that's what I thought. So looked to do so on my own, and once I had, the enjoyment of having newness in my life was hard to ignore. I'd never been one to attract attention from women as a teenager, so to suddenly realise that I could was pretty intoxicating. I wanted more of that.

I've never cheated on a partner once, but i find my mind wanders more when things are not good between us, so i always wonder if its just limit we all have? What do you think?

I think that there is strong societal pressure to link sex and love, in terms of relationships. Historically, that made sense, for raising a family and having security. You can have an open relationship, but it really requires strong personalities and absolute trust and respect for each other and your boundaries. I didn't show respect and betrayed trust in my relationships. I was slow to recognise in myself what I desired and my feelings towards sex and love.

I have a theory that people who do things that are against their moral code.. keep doing them using a mechanism like: If they create guilt/shame about it, they can claim to be a 'good' person to themselves.. and yet never stop doing the action. It gives them an escape from admitting they are actually ok with their actions or are a 'bad' person in their own code. It's kinda like, as long as they can keep the drama going, they get to have their cake and eat it too.
Would you comment on whether you feel this might be a case for you? Do you feel like your guilt or shame is a type of payoff you get to keep making yourself into a good person in your own mind?

There's certainly an element of that. I don't want to make a decision, because I think it would lead to a worse situation, for me and my family. I've long ago recognised that I'm not a good person. I'm dishonest and selfish, and have deliberately taken actions that I know have potential to hurt people I care about.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:23pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi OP,

interesting thread. I used to be a divorce lawyer (long ago now it seems) so i'm not completely unfamiliar with this area but I just wanted to say what you are going through is far more common than the replies here would have you believe. Imo, modern marriage doesn't work. It is extremely human to seek multiple partners over a lifetime.

I have seen many, many people who are excellent parents, excellent providers and generally good people, who also want to explore the full range of human sexuality.

I think, fwiw, you are right to stay married. You and your wife have a workable situation at the minute. I'd be reluctant to leave just because society "thinks" you should. To end with a question, how do you think society could change to accept the widespread occurrence of relationships like yours?

I think that we, as parents, as a society, could do a much better job of educating on the emotional contours of relationships. About how people can love differently. To know how to learn their own feelings on love and what they want out of relationships, and then to be able to articulate that to someone else. I would never have realised how much damage you can do by loving someone, the vulnerability that someone who loves you exposes. There's a need for grace and gentleness handling that. How much the ills in the stem from someone who has been hurt, or feels insecure?

Agent Smith · 12-02-2020 2:26pm

Do You have a bedside locker?

if So, Whats in your bedside locker?

Have you ever contemplated doing a Lord Lucan on the entire situaton? where you just vanish off the face of the earth?

Does the woman your having an affair with have a bedside locker?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:26pm

Limpy wrote: »

If your son or daughter ask you for advice about cheating on there partners what do you tell them?

Would you give them tip about how to evade getting caught or would you tell them not to do it.

I would advise them to be honest with their partner about what they wanted. If they needed greater sexual experiences, then be open about that. Give the other person an opportunity to choose. Do what I didn't do.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:28pm

Agent Smith wrote: »

Do You have a bedside locker?

if So, Whats in your bedside locker?

Have you ever contemplated doing a Lord Lucan on the entire situaton? where you just vanish off the face of the earth?

Does the woman your having an affair with have a bedside locker?

What do you mean by bedside locker? Not getting that reference.

I've certainly thought about disappearing, but I couldn't miss out on my kids. I want to be in their life.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:30pm

bucketybuck wrote: »

How much of a kick are you getting from the attention here? Does it feel good to pretend to be sorry online for all the hurt you caused?

Is this just some sort of slacktivism, act contrite online, assuage your guilt here because thats easier than facing up to reality in the real world?

I wouldn't say I'm getting a kick out of it. I'm greatful to be able to talk about it for a change. I can't talk fully with my wife, or at least I don't want to, as I fear that I would cause everything blow up if I voiced my thoughts fully.

manonboard · 12-02-2020 2:31pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

your responses..

Thank you very much for taking the time and honesty to answer my questions. Best of luck with your happiness and your situation.

IHeartShoes · 12-02-2020 2:37pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I love her, and have a lot of admiration for her and what she's done in her life. I do respect her, and you're right that she, and my wife, both deserve better than how I've treated them. I don't know if she lacks self esteem, she did have a previous relationship that ended badly, due to her partner cheating on her. I'm pretty sure that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.

I think it’s a fascinating topic, possibly because my ex husband had an affair. We separated when I found out but one is never going to get the total truth in that situation so it’s v interesting to get the perspective from the married man, in my view. So thank you!

If you do separate from your wife, do you think you would be faithful to your current GF or would you always want to experience new sex as you refer? Is she willing to swing etc?

Apart from sex with your wife, have you been ‘faithful’ to your GF? If not, does she know about the other (s).

Have you discussed your wife with your GF? Does she feel at all guilty in her role in the affair given that your wife and potentially children’s’ life will be/are being devastated by the affair? It’s not a judgment. But I know many people would hold the affair partner every bit as guilty as the spouse and would be interested in her view, especially as she has been the injured party before.

I think your wife must suffer from incredibly low self esteem to accept what she accepting from her husband. She seems aware of the detail of your affair i.e the great connection, shared interests and great sex you have with your GF. Why would she torture herself with that knowledge do you think? It must be clear to her that she will never have the same with you and that you are staying for the children. If she is accepting because of her children, then that is a supreme sacrifice. Denying herself future happiness with someone emotionally and physical compatible, that loves her above all others, so her children’s lives aren’t negatively affected? Do you have a view on that?

Thanks again and I do hope you find resolution for all involved.

S

IAMAMORON · 12-02-2020 2:41pm

Op, do you find that when men have affairs they tend to get the blame for destroying a marriage more so than when women do?

Just flicking through some of the responses here. It seems to be that when a wife has an affair female posters seem to somehow find a way of justifying it? Excuses are given like " her husband was travelling a lot" or " her husband was not paying her enough attention" ? It always seems tolerated.

Put it on the other foot where the mans is doing the dirt and the responses are like " oh he is a disgusting animal, he has destroyed his marriage, oh his poor poor wife, he should dissolve the marriage immediately"

Do you find such misandry tiring after a while?

Is your wife a bit too clingy? Is that why you got bored having sexual relations with her? Is it your wife's fault or yours?

Have you been disrespectful and unfaithful to previous partners?

eviltwin · 12-02-2020 2:44pm

What's your long term plan OP? I don't condone what your doing but I do feel for you. You seem really unhappy and your marriage sounds very empty.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:54pm

IHeartShoes wrote: »

I think it’s a fascinating topic, possibly because my ex husband had an affair. We separated when I found out but one is never going to get the total truth in that situation so it’s v interesting to get the perspective from the married man, in my view. So thank you!

If you do separate from your wife, do you think you would be faithful to your current GF or would you always want to experience new sex as you refer? Is she willing to swing etc?

I would want to say yes, but being honest I'm not sure. It's hard to frame an answer without it sounding like I'm trying abdicate responsibility for my actions. I want to be a person that would have the respect to tell a partner of my thoughts and needs, rather than going behind their back and looking to satisfy them on my own. My GF and I have talked about having other sexual partners, I'm not sure she would want it, but perhaps.

Apart from sex with your wife, have you been ‘faithful’ to your GF? If not, does she know about the other (s).

I had a number of sexual encounters with other women. She doesn't know that, although she knows I have sex with my wife.

Have you discussed your wife with your GF? Does she feel at all guilty in her role in the affair given that your wife and potentially children’s’ life will be/are being devastated by the affair? It’s not a judgment. But I know many people would hold the affair partner every bit as guilty as the spouse and would be interested in her view, especially as she has been the injured party before.

I lied to her initially, she didn't know I was married when we met. She does feel guilt, she especially worries about my kids hating her. I think it's not as immediate for her, given the times we've been together, I've been away from my family. They weren't in the picture, so it wasn't as though she was stealing my from them.

I think your wife must suffer from incredibly low self esteem to accept what she accepting from her husband. She seems aware of the detail of your affair i.e the great connection, shared interests and great sex you have with your GF. Why would she torture herself with that knowledge do you think? It must be clear to her that she will never have the same with you and that you are staying for the children. If she is accepting because of her children, then that is a supreme sacrifice. Denying herself future happiness with someone emotionally and physical compatible, that loves her above all others, so her children’s lives aren’t negatively affected? Do you have a view on that?

Thanks again and I do hope you find resolution for all involved.

S

I don't know why she has stayed, I certainly wouldn't consider myself worth the pain. It can be pretty awful recognising the pain in her eyes, knowing that I have undermined her so badly.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 2:59pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Op, do you find that when men have affairs they tend to get the blame for destroying a marriage more so than when women do?

Just flicking through some of the responses here. It seems to be that when a wife has an affair female posters seem to somehow find a way of justifying it? Excuses are given like " her husband was travelling a lot" or " her husband was not paying her enough attention" ? It always seems tolerated.

Put it on the other foot where the mans is doing the dirt and the responses are like " oh he is a disgusting animal, he has destroyed his marriage, oh his poor poor wife, he should dissolve the marriage immediately"

Do you find such misandry tiring after a while?

Is your wife a bit too clingy? Is that why you got bored having sexual relations with her? Is it your wife's fault or yours?

Have you been disrespectful and unfaithful to previous partners?

I'm responsible for my actions, no one else to blame there. I think anyone looking from the outside into a relationship isn't likely to have a proper grasp on the situation. There's usually a breakdown in communication, where one party has wants or needs that aren't being met by the other, for whatever reason. Honesty, as ever, is the best policy.

I find intolerance and prejudice tiring in all it's manifestations.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 3:02pm

eviltwin wrote: »

What's your long term plan OP? I don't condone what your doing but I do feel for you. You seem really unhappy and your marriage sounds very empty.

At this stage, I don't have a plan. I'm mostly treading water. I wish I could click my fingers, and make **** better. In the short term, I want ot help my wife succeed in her new job, not undermine that by blowing up our marriage. I'm leaving soon for another extended period, figure I can just continue as is til then, and hopefully that will give her time to get established. See where we are after that.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 3:06pm

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Well done on volunteering to do this AMA. Hope you get something back from it (apart from abuse!).

Interesting that you think your behavior stems from a low self-esteem.

Where do you think your low self-esteem came from? Your parents, your peers or your personality?

I wouldn't ascribe my actions to low self esteem. I wanted to have sex, that was the main instigator.

I don't really like who I have become, that's probably the main driver of my lack of value towards myself. I'm dishonest, not taking actions in my life that I should be doing. I don't have the life or relationships that I want, feel I've wasted a large part of myself.

bullvine · 12-02-2020 3:29pm

You seem really sad and you have difficulty explaining to core reasons for the affair. Have you thought about some sort of mental therapy?

Tell me how · 12-02-2020 3:31pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I wouldn't ascribe my actions to low self esteem. I wanted to have sex, that was the main instigator.

I don't really like who I have become, that's probably the main driver of my lack of value towards myself. I'm dishonest, not taking actions in my life that I should be doing. I don't have the life or relationships that I want, feel I've wasted a large part of myself.

How much of this is done to the fact that you are cheating, or are you cheating because this is the person you are at this point in you life?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 3:31pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Are you still having sex with your wife?

Is she having sex with anyone else?

Is your wife having sex with anyone without your knowledge?

Have you got your wife's phone number? ( sorry I couldn't help myself:p)

We are still having sex, although it has been infrequent lately, due to me having less desire for it.

As far as I know she hasn't had sex with anyone since sometime last year, when she met up with a guy off of tinder. I do have my wife's number, but don't think she's of a mind to meet.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 3:35pm

Tell me how wrote: »

How much of this is done to the fact that you are cheating, or are you cheating because this is the person you are at this point in you life?

It's something of a dichotomy. I'm very honest with other people, in that I'll give my opinions and not shy away from addressing an issue. In myself, however, I'm prone to secretiveness, and that allied with my actions, has lead to me lying to my wife and others. I really hate being that person now, I feel diminished in myself. It's hard for me to imagine moving past that and being free of my failures.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 3:37pm

bullvine wrote: »

You seem really sad and you have difficulty explaining to core reasons for the affair. Have you thought about some sort of mental therapy?

I have a counselor that I see, she's really nice and helpful to talk with. At the end of the day, talk only goes so far. We're still stuck in a ****ty situation that I've created, and regardless of the choices made from here, sadness and pain are likely outcomes for everyone.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 3:39pm

doodledoo2 wrote: »

Yes there is a big difference. I think our situation was very unique. When I said he had an affair, it was actually a one night stand in a different country that he decided to pursue. The first thing he told the kids after saying he was leaving, is that he'll always be here for them, to mind and care for them as before. That was a Friday, by the Monday he was on a plane back to the US. This continued for months, often with him pretending he wasn't over there when he was. Obviously that led to the kids feeling rejected and abandoned repeatedly by him. It felt like he went on a holiday and just never bothered coming home, very hard for them to process.

At no time in the last year and a half have all the 3 kids been comfortable seeing him, 2 out of 3 was as good as it got but depending on his behaviour, it was a different child/children at different times. I get blamed for that by him which I think shows a true lack of insight/responsibility for his actions.

I was not set up to suddenly become a single mam. I had to take sudden days off work to cover when he would have previously minded them, had to call in favours from family and friends, had to figure out Christmas last minute on my own (no financial input given either), had to navigate the house refurb we were in the middle of (that he insisted on doing), I would lie awake wondering how I'd get all the kids out on time if there was a fire. He pays no maintenance, only half of the mortgage and some of the bills. This month he earned €12,000 and me €1,200 (part time worker). We've been through court but he doesn't comply and the arrears keep building. My youngest understands she has to wait for three days to receive her birthday presents this month as I can't afford anything until then.

He doesn't comply with the access order but rather flits in and out, maybe only inviting one kid to McDonald's/cinema/shopping trip/holiday etc. The hardest part is watching how it has divided the children as the one who goes will get to eat and watch crap til whenever but the ones who stay at home have to eat their greens, do their homework, get to bed on time, etc. It is very hard to be the only parent who implements any rules and discipline and very hard to ensure this doesn't drive a wedge between them and me. Of course I have lots of fun with them too and we have movie nights with pizza etc, but it's not all fun and games like it is when they're with their dad.

I'm not naive enough to think all parents should stay together but there are ways to end a marriage when children are involved. For a start you should mention (at least once!) to your spouse that you're unhappy with the status quo, probably attend mediation to agree a sensible and fair parenting plan, and ensure that finances and logistics have been worked out satisfactorily.
Sorry for going on, believe it or not there are worse parts that I've left out! But it's possibly a handy guide on what Not to do when ending a marriage!

That's a pretty awful level of treatment by your husband, towards your kids and you. It sounds very unfair, to shirk his responsibility and pay so little heed to the impact on your lives.

Neyite · 12-02-2020 3:58pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I wouldn't ascribe my actions to low self esteem. I wanted to have sex, that was the main instigator.

I don't really like who I have become, that's probably the main driver of my lack of value towards myself. I'm dishonest, not taking actions in my life that I should be doing. I don't have the life or relationships that I want, feel I've wasted a large part of myself.

I was going to ask if you were happy /content but I think you've answered it here.

You've said earlier that you always looked for stuff outside of the marriage, so I wanted to ask was there ever a time you felt you could be or intended to be faithful to your marriage or was it always a case of you going into the marriage knowing that you'd be unfaithful?

Secondly, I'm curious then if you did intend to be faithful, when was it you feel you crossed a line, and what happened. And how did you feel?

Tell me how · 12-02-2020 4:09pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

It's something of a dichotomy. I'm very honest with other people, in that I'll give my opinions and not shy away from addressing an issue. In myself, however, I'm prone to secretiveness, and that allied with my actions, has lead to me lying to my wife and others. I really hate being that person now, I feel diminished in myself. It's hard for me to imagine moving past that and being free of my failures.

If you were able to travel back in time to a certain point in order to change your actions (while still being who you are), how far back would go?

You would not change anything?
To the point before your wife found out?
To the point before you cheated first?
To the point before you got married?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 4:19pm

Neyite wrote: »

I was going to ask if you were happy /content but I think you've answered it here.

You've said earlier that you always looked for stuff outside of the marriage, so I wanted to ask was there ever a time you felt you could be or intended to be faithful to your marriage or was it always a case of you going into the marriage knowing that you'd be unfaithful?

Secondly, I'm curious then if you did intend to be faithful, when was it you feel you crossed a line, and what happened. And how did you feel?

I suppose in my mind I differentiated getting happy ending massage from infidelity. It was a way to satisfy a desire for newness that didn't threaten the integrity of my marriage.

I mentioned before, the decision point for me, I think, was wanting explore a bisexual side. I couldn't do that with her, and felt it was something that i had to do. I didn't good about cheating, but I was happy to have that experience. I'd lying if I pretended otherwise.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 4:21pm

Tell me how wrote: »

If you were able to travel back in time to a certain point in order to change your actions (while still being who you are), how far back would go?

You would not change anything?
To the point before your wife found out?
To the point before you cheated first?
To the point before you got married?

I would go back to before I cheated and act more honestly, be open about my desires and needs. Give my wife an opportunity to make a knowledgeable decision.

bullvine · 12-02-2020 4:55pm

You said your wife has been with a few people since she found out. Does she actually enjoy s*x? Or was it just to try and get back at you?

12-02-2020 4:55pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I think that we, as parents, as a society, could do a much better job of educating on the emotional contours of relationships. About how people can love differently. To know how to learn their own feelings on love and what they want out of relationships, and then to be able to articulate that to someone else. I would never have realised how much damage you can do by loving someone, the vulnerability that someone who loves you exposes. There's a need for grace and gentleness handling that. How much the ills in the stem from someone who has been hurt, or feels insecure?

That's really well expressed. We teach emotions terribly and end up trapped by simplistic ideas. I often think we teach emotions as opposites (love/hate, sadness/happiness etc) when really they can and do co-exist all the time.

Good luck with it all.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 5:06pm

bullvine wrote: »

You said your wife has been with a few people since she found out. Does she actually enjoy s*x? Or was it just to try and get back at you?

She definitely enjoys sex. She slept with those other guys mostly in response to my actions. She didn't have a good time with all bar 1, due to performances issues. Of the 4 guys she met, 3 of them couldn't perform, to include the couple we met. She had oral with her school friend, but he flaked out on sex and she was over it. The last one she was with, she actually had a good time. He was a visiting business man from Germany, and was in good shape, very well endowed and capable. I had hopes that she would be amenable to meeting people after that, but it didn't pan out.

Tell me how · 12-02-2020 5:13pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

She definitely enjoys sex. She slept with those other guys mostly in response to my actions. She didn't have a good time with all bar 1, due to performances issues. Of the 4 guys she met, 3 of them couldn't perform, to include the couple we met. She had oral with her school friend, but he flaked out on sex and she was over it. The last one she was with, she actually had a good time. He was a visiting business man from Germany, and was in good shape, very well endowed and capable. I had hopes that she would be amenable to meeting people after that, but it didn't pan out.

I'll be honest, this seems like a bizarre level of detail to have posted in response to the question asked.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 5:25pm

Tell me how wrote: »

I'll be honest, this seems like a bizarre level of detail to have posted in response to the question asked.

Eh, maybe. Trying to give a more complete answer. Figure folks would prefer detail over vagueness.

Reati · 12-02-2020 5:30pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

Eh, maybe. Trying to give a more complete answer. Figure folks would prefer detail over vagueness.

I might have missed it but how did the interactions leading to the affair play out. You hardly went on a business trip and she was in your hotel room when you came back on night.

Like, I've been married 10-ish years and not once have I been in a position where an affair can just have occurred. Maybe I don't have your style

I'd assume one was actively out looking for someone to having an affair with?

Lau2976 · 12-02-2020 5:36pm

Hi OP,

Do you think your wife’s family being conservative affects her decision to stay with you? i.e she doesn’t want to raise kids in a separated family because of it or because of the judgement she feels she’d face from them if you split?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 5:38pm

Reati wrote: »

I might have missed it but how did the interactions leading to the affair play out. You hardly went on a business trip and she was in your hotel room when you came back on night.

Like, I've been married 10-ish years and not once have I been in a position where an affair can just have occurred. Maybe I don't have your style

I'd assume one was actively out looking for someone to having an affair with?

I was away for work, met some women on tinder. Ended up in an intense relationship with one of them.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 5:39pm

Lau2976 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Do you think your wife’s family being conservative affects her decision to stay with you? i.e she doesn’t want to raise kids in a separated family because of it or because of the judgement she feels she’d face from them if you split?

It's possible. She isn't religious or conservative herself, we haven't introduced any religion into our kids lives, although her family does, to my chagrin.

Segotias · 12-02-2020 6:42pm

Hi Op,

I have a question from a slightly different perspective. I've been approached by numerous men I know to be their bit on the side.

While I have no interest in going there, none are willing to explain why they want to cheat or cheat with me.

It's very negative for my self esteem to be only good enough to be the bit of fun.

I'm wondering is there a type of woman you go for cos you might thing they're easier or grateful for the attention

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 7:08pm

Segotias wrote: »

Hi Op,

I have a question from a slightly different perspective. I've been approached by numerous men I know to be their bit on the side.

While I have no interest in going there, none are willing to explain why they want to cheat or cheat with me.

It's very negative for my self esteem to be only good enough to be the bit of fun.

I'm wondering is there a type of woman you go for cos you might thing they're easier or grateful for the attention

The women I've met have been the ones to show interest in me. I will say that I have noticed they tend have had bad relationships before, or poor sexual experiences. Felt dissatisfied with what they've dealt with to that point. They've been older, late 20s, or 30s, so probably have a decent bit of life experiences when we met.

Breaston Plants · 12-02-2020 7:30pm

Who's better in bed, and who's better looking your wife or your lover?

Shanotheslayer · 12-02-2020 7:32pm

Apologies if I missed this.

But why where you on tinder actively seeking something physical? So it wasn't a drunken mistake which lead to things developing.

You actively downloaded an app messaged some made plans etc?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 7:58pm

Breaston Plants wrote: »

Who's better in bed, and who's better looking your wife or your lover?

They're different, as any two people are. I think they are both beautiful people, physically and in personality.

My wife is easier to please sexually, she cums a lot, to be blunt. My gf tends to only manage to go once, with a good bit of effort required to help get her there, but I would probably treasure that more. My wife has rarely expressed any fantasies or kinks, I've always introduced new things to our sex life. Whereas my gf has shared quite a few kinks we've explored together, which was really amazing.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 12-02-2020 7:59pm

Shanotheslayer wrote: »

Apologies if I missed this.

But why where you on tinder actively seeking something physical? So it wasn't a drunken mistake which lead to things developing.

You actively downloaded an app messaged some made plans etc?

I was looking for a sexual encounter. I had already met with a number of women prior to getting together with my gf.

Up Donegal · 13-02-2020 12:17am

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi OP,

interesting thread. I used to be a divorce lawyer (long ago now it seems) so i'm not completely unfamiliar with this area but I just wanted to say what you are going through is far more common than the replies here would have you believe. Imo, modern marriage doesn't work. It is extremely human to seek multiple partners over a lifetime.

I have seen many, many people who are excellent parents, excellent providers and generally good people, who also want to explore the full range of human sexuality.

I think, fwiw, you are right to stay married. You and your wife have a workable situation at the minute. I'd be reluctant to leave just because society "thinks" you should. To end with a question, how do you think society could change to accept the widespread occurrence of relationships like yours?

Definitely.

endofrainbow · 13-02-2020 12:32pm

do your wife and girlfriend (s) know about your encounters with men ?

Segotias · 13-02-2020 1:38pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

The women I've met have been the ones to show interest in me. I will say that I have noticed they tend have had bad relationships before, or poor sexual experiences. Felt dissatisfied with what they've dealt with to that point. They've been older, late 20s, or 30s, so probably have a decent bit of life experiences when we met.

Thanks...so you wouldn't have randomly approached women or approached a woman you know?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 13-02-2020 1:50pm

endofrainbow wrote: »

do your wife and girlfriend (s) know about your encounters with men ?

My gf does, we talked about possibly exploring scenarios together related to that.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 13-02-2020 1:52pm

Segotias wrote: »

Thanks...so you wouldn't have randomly approached women or approached a woman you know?

I met one woman by talking to her at restaurant. The rest I met through an app, tinder and the like. I never looked to meet anyone while I was at home.

IHeartShoes · 13-02-2020 3:38pm

Do you feel like you're betraying your GF when you sleep with your wife? Would that explain the reduction in engagement you have with her? Do you think feel more loyalty towards one over the other?

You are due to travel for work soon for some months. Are you planning more encounters during that time away? Or will you limit further extramarital liaisons to your GF?

Is your wife anxious about your up and coming work travel given what you might be planning and finally, do you think a polyamorous relationship would best suit your needs?

S

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 13-02-2020 4:02pm

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Do you feel like you're betraying your GF when you sleep with your wife? Would that explain the reduction in engagement you have with her? Do you think feel more loyalty towards one over the other?

That's a good question. I have felt difficulty being with my wife, I've struggled to focus on her and not feel like I'm undermining things with my GF. I know that sounds rather ridiculous the situation. We have talked about, she generally accepts how it is, but I don't know that she is giving her full feelings on the matter. I have felt more of a connection for her over my wife, and I would say that has lead to a decrease in interest and attraction towards my wife. Going through the motions at times.

You are due to travel for work soon for some months. Are you planning more encounters during that time away? Or will you limit further extramarital liaisons to your GF?

I talked to my GF about trying to meet up with her at somepoint. Money and work would make that difficult, but I would hope that I can see her again. I don't have any plans to see someone else but there are women there who I've met in the past that would like to see me.

Is your wife anxious about your up and coming work travel given what you might be planning and finally, do you think a polyamorous relationship would best suit your needs?

S

She would be anxious, things tend to get more fractious between us before I'm due to leave. We haven't really talked about where things stand between us, and how she views me leaving again. I would be in favor of a poly relationship, certainly over the current situation. They are very involved from what I've read, take a huge amount of work and communication. I joke sometime, my goal is a family compound somewhere, with enough room for everyone to have their own space. Silly, for sure.

Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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