Boards.ie uses cookies. By continuing to browse this site you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Click here to find out more x
Thread Closed  
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
11-02-2020, 16:25   #31
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by tara83 View Post
Thanks for volunteering

Is the other person “single” or also in a relationship?

How would you describe the affair - is it purely physical or do you do couple stuff ?

She's single. It started out as just physical between us, but it grew to something else. I lied to her about being single when we met, it was only after I returned home the first time that I told her I was married, although she had her suspicions.
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
Advertisement
11-02-2020, 16:29   #32
Boards.ie: Niamh
Boards.ie Community Manager
 
Boards.ie: Niamh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 8,822
Can I remind everyone that the OP is not here for your advice - I've just deleted one post giving unsolicited advice. If you are not asking a question, don't post please. Thanks.
Boards.ie: Niamh is offline  
(2) thanks from:
11-02-2020, 16:29   #33
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by yourdeadwright View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm married and having an affair, AMA View Post
You're right, I don't argue my selfishness or the ****ty way I'm acting.
Well as someone's said earlier then its quite clear you have low self esteem ,
If you know this then why are you on here its clearly just to boast about it ,

You obviously don't love your wife but love the idea,
I'd wage that you won't break up with her due to the fall out and how friends and family will see you ,
Again low self esteem your willing to take all you can from another women and hurt your wife and children but your to much of a coward to actually deal with the fall out ,

End of the day your cowardly ways will hurt your children the most in all this ,

People fall out of love it happens and that's fine but if your a decent person you deal with it and don't hurt people ,

Its selfish and cowardly how your going about it

I'm not concerned so much about my family. I'm prepared to deal with their scorn. I'm fairly solitary by nature, and to frank, wouldn't notice their absence in my life that much.



My kids would be the reason I haven't looked to leave. I don't know that I agree that they would be better off without me in their life as a presence. My wife and I would probably be able to co-parent well enough, but you can't make up for the absence of one parent. They endure that often enough with being gone for work.

Last edited by Boards.ie: Niamh; 11-02-2020 at 16:36. Reason: Fixing quote
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
Thanks from:
11-02-2020, 16:34   #34
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pauliedragon View Post
What does the other woman think of the situation? Does she want more from you i.e leave your wife or is she happy with the way things are?

I'm not entirely sure tbh. She's in love with me, insofar as she's expressed it. I'm not physically a part of her life, given the distance between us. She's never asked me to leave my wife, although we've talked about possible futures together. Our professional fields don't give us much say in where we work, so that would be a difficulty regardless.



She's been on tinder etc recently, seeing who's out there. She wants company, as much any person. I would expect her to look for something at some point. I'd be saddened, but could hardly complain.
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
Thanks from:
11-02-2020, 16:36   #35
yourdeadwright
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 8,932
Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm married and having an affair, AMA View Post

I'm not concerned so much about my family. I'm prepared to deal with their scorn. I'm fairly solitary by nature, and to frank, wouldn't notice their absence in my life that much.



My kids would be the reason I haven't looked to leave. I don't know that I agree that they would be better off without me in their life as a presence. My wife and I would probably be able to co-parent well enough, but you can't make up for the absence of one parent. They endure that often enough with being gone for work.
Do you really think your kids will benefit being brought up in a fake family ?
There dad pretending to love there mam while off banging other women ?

Seriously need to give your head a wobble, What do you do when they find out and start asking questions , How long do you think you keep you the charade for ? How would they trust anyone going forward in life if there own dad lived a lie to them even while telling there mother the truth ?

Your suppose to put your kids first , your putting yourself first,
Lying to your kids to preserve there opinion and imagine of you while doing untold damage to them for life ,

Again showing your selfish man and not prepared to do what best for your Kids but only what's best for YOU ,

Last edited by Boards.ie: Niamh; 11-02-2020 at 16:37. Reason: Fixing quote
yourdeadwright is offline  
(3) thanks from:
Advertisement
11-02-2020, 16:37   #36
BigBoss47
Registered User
 
BigBoss47's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,023
Did you get what you were looking for out of it, or where you disappointing with the experience (as in was it better as a fantasy)

Follow up question, if you could go back in time and not do it - Would you stay faithful?
BigBoss47 is offline  
11-02-2020, 16:42   #37
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by helimachoptor View Post
Op, kudos for coming on and sharing what you're doing, but tbh you are pretty manipulative.

1) Cheating
2) Basically using the cheating to get her to bang other guys, do you want her to be a hotwife or something?
3) Think of your kids, this will all come out sooner or later, how can you expect them to respect/love you when you're doing all this ****
4) You're wife deserves better.

I've struggled with who I am, especially as I've learned more of myself. I've always been self contained, which lead to me being secretive by nature. The cheating lead exacerbated those tendencies. I haven't looked to manipulated my wife or the other woman, with respect to our relationship. I mostly just say nothing and try to continue as best I can.



I don't want my kids to hate, obviously, but I'm more concerned with giving them a stable life. It would be easy in one sense to leave my wife. It would certainly lift a greater tension from my chest, as it were, but the reality of what comes next would likely pretty ****. As much as I seek to be present as a co-parent, the majority of the burden would then fall on my wife. I'd probably at best be living a room in someone else's house, so would not likely be easily able to have the kids with me. It would be extremely difficult financially. My wife just recently began working again, and isn't really making much money. I've been the sole contributor since my first child was born, and that money would be stretched even tighter if moved out.


It's a selfish viewpoint in some respects, I'll readily admit, but not quite so straightforward.

Edit to add: I did/ do have an interest in the hotwife, swinger type fantasy. We tried exploring it, but she wasn't really drawn to it, in part because I went about it in a way that undermined the trust between us.

Last edited by I'm married and having an affair, AMA; 11-02-2020 at 16:58.
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
Thanks from:
11-02-2020, 16:42   #38
cloudatlas
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3,011
Is the sex bad or non existent in your marriage?

Why don't you go to counselling?

Is your wife financially independent? if she wanted to leave you would it be possible or is she trapped?
cloudatlas is online now  
Thanks from:
11-02-2020, 16:46   #39
Rx713B
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 66
Interesting read -

Does this not wreak havoc on your kids seeing their mother upset etc?

Bets thing you can do is stop dragging your wife through the mud be the bigger man walk away and let her build a life without you.

Just my 2 cents

Last edited by Rx713B; 11-02-2020 at 17:01.
Rx713B is offline  
(2) thanks from:
Advertisement
11-02-2020, 16:50   #40
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by cloudatlas View Post
Is the sex bad or non existent in your marriage?

Why don't you go to counselling?

Is your wife financially independent? if she wanted to leave you would it be possible or is she trapped?

My wife and I have had, until recently, a really strong connection sexually. I have always been the one to drive experimentation, which has been a frustration between us for long while. Things have been **** of late, mostly because of me, I've struggled have any interest, which is another way I've hurt her feelings.


I am going to counseling, maybe one if the only good things to have come out of everything. My counselor is really great, maybe one of the only people I can talk to openly.


My wife is back working, although as I said previously, she isn't making much money yet. She wouldn't be independent by herself. It's been a long source of upset for her, she's struggled with not having a job and contributing financially for years. I've always supported her, in any endeavor she's looked to do. My job ****ed her over a few years ago. She was got accepted into a medical course, that she'd been working towards for a few years, and then I had to move for work. She didn't want to stay back to do it, understandably, and lost the opportunity. I felt really crappy about that, and frustrated for her. It's been great recently that she's found a job she's good at, although it has been a burden financially, as it's commission based and cost more than it's brought in.
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
11-02-2020, 16:52   #41
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rx713B View Post
Interesting read -

Does this not wreak havoc on your kids seeing there mother upset etc?

Bets thing you can do is stop dragging your wife through the mud be the bigger man walk away and let her build a life without you.

Just my 2 cents

Things haven't been awful at home, at least as it presents to the kids. My oldest would see that there's tension between us, and has commented on how I've not been as good at making my wife happy. We're not having screaming matches or the like, rather awkward, tense silence or sarcastic remarks on her part. Not much better, granted.
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
11-02-2020, 16:57   #42
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBoss47 View Post
Did you get what you were looking for out of it, or where you disappointing with the experience (as in was it better as a fantasy)

Follow up question, if you could go back in time and not do it - Would you stay faithful?

I enjoyed the sex, certainly. I've always looked for newness, and that was a large motivation for my actions. The emotional connection was a surprise, and truthfully some of the best times in my life have been with her. I can't pretend otherwise.



As to whether I'd change things. I would wish I had known myself better and had the courage and ability to express my desires. I'd always wanted for my wife and I to explore and experience together, but I kept going about it in a ****ed up, backwards way that undermined the trust between us.


I wish I could take back the pain I've caused her. She's truly one of the best people I've ever met, and I don't know why she has loved me as strongly as she has.
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
Thanks from:
11-02-2020, 16:58   #43
xzanti
Moderator
 
xzanti's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 9,846
You say you'd welcome your wife kicking you out. Why not grow a set of bollocks and leave?
xzanti is offline  
11-02-2020, 17:01   #44
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
Verified representative
 
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by xzanti View Post
You say you'd welcome your wife kicking you out. Why not grow a set of bollocks and leave?

Frankly, I don't know that it would be a better situation, for everyone involved. It would obviously destroy a large part of my kids lives. It would induce severe financial difficulties into our lives, and would put a huge amount of stress on my wife at a time where she's trying to build a professional life for herself.



The status quo is crap, but me leaving would be worse, at least for quite awhile, and I don't know that we'd be prepared for that. I have to leave again soon for work, for half the year.
I'm married and having an affair, AMA is offline  
11-02-2020, 17:08   #45
eviltwin
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 16,017
Where do you see this going? Your kids are going to get older and it's going to be harder to hide it from them, I can't see how long term this will ever make you happy.
eviltwin is offline  
Thanks from:
Thread Closed

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search