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Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

Boards.ie: Niamh

Our next guest this week is one that a few people have asked for, for whatever reasons. This guest is a married man who is having an affair.

Please only post if you have a question and remember that all site rules still apply. Thanks.

I'm a married man, who has been having an affair for the last ~2 years. I have been unfaithful previously in my marriage, which lead into the affair. My wife does know about my actions, and we continue to work through our relationship as it goes forward. We have 3 kids. I wouldn't say either of us is in a good place, emotionally or in any respect. I have a pretty low opinion of myself, which I'm sure many of you will share.

I will endeavour to answer your questions honestly and without regard to playing for sympathy or whatnot. I hope this will be an engaging thread for all. I think for myself, part of the desire to undertake this is simply to be able to talk about it; there aren't many opportunities for me to do so in the course of my day to day life.

Mod note: The AMA guest is here to answer questions and is not here for your advice, he can go to Relationship Issues for that if he wants to. No question? Don't post. Thanks.

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I'm married and having an affair, AMA

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Are you still having sex with your wife?

Is she having sex with anyone else?

Is your wife having sex with anyone without your knowledge?

Have you got your wife's phone number? ( sorry I couldn't help myself:p)

We are still having sex, although it has been infrequent lately, due to me having less desire for it.

As far as I know she hasn't had sex with anyone since sometime last year, when she met up with a guy off of tinder. I do have my wife's number, but don't think she's of a mind to meet.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

How much of this is done to the fact that you are cheating, or are you cheating because this is the person you are at this point in you life?

It's something of a dichotomy. I'm very honest with other people, in that I'll give my opinions and not shy away from addressing an issue. In myself, however, I'm prone to secretiveness, and that allied with my actions, has lead to me lying to my wife and others. I really hate being that person now, I feel diminished in myself. It's hard for me to imagine moving past that and being free of my failures.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

bullvine wrote: »

You seem really sad and you have difficulty explaining to core reasons for the affair. Have you thought about some sort of mental therapy?

I have a counselor that I see, she's really nice and helpful to talk with. At the end of the day, talk only goes so far. We're still stuck in a ****ty situation that I've created, and regardless of the choices made from here, sadness and pain are likely outcomes for everyone.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

doodledoo2 wrote: »

Yes there is a big difference. I think our situation was very unique. When I said he had an affair, it was actually a one night stand in a different country that he decided to pursue. The first thing he told the kids after saying he was leaving, is that he'll always be here for them, to mind and care for them as before. That was a Friday, by the Monday he was on a plane back to the US. This continued for months, often with him pretending he wasn't over there when he was. Obviously that led to the kids feeling rejected and abandoned repeatedly by him. It felt like he went on a holiday and just never bothered coming home, very hard for them to process.

At no time in the last year and a half have all the 3 kids been comfortable seeing him, 2 out of 3 was as good as it got but depending on his behaviour, it was a different child/children at different times. I get blamed for that by him which I think shows a true lack of insight/responsibility for his actions.

I was not set up to suddenly become a single mam. I had to take sudden days off work to cover when he would have previously minded them, had to call in favours from family and friends, had to figure out Christmas last minute on my own (no financial input given either), had to navigate the house refurb we were in the middle of (that he insisted on doing), I would lie awake wondering how I'd get all the kids out on time if there was a fire. He pays no maintenance, only half of the mortgage and some of the bills. This month he earned €12,000 and me €1,200 (part time worker). We've been through court but he doesn't comply and the arrears keep building. My youngest understands she has to wait for three days to receive her birthday presents this month as I can't afford anything until then.

He doesn't comply with the access order but rather flits in and out, maybe only inviting one kid to McDonald's/cinema/shopping trip/holiday etc. The hardest part is watching how it has divided the children as the one who goes will get to eat and watch crap til whenever but the ones who stay at home have to eat their greens, do their homework, get to bed on time, etc. It is very hard to be the only parent who implements any rules and discipline and very hard to ensure this doesn't drive a wedge between them and me. Of course I have lots of fun with them too and we have movie nights with pizza etc, but it's not all fun and games like it is when they're with their dad.

I'm not naive enough to think all parents should stay together but there are ways to end a marriage when children are involved. For a start you should mention (at least once!) to your spouse that you're unhappy with the status quo, probably attend mediation to agree a sensible and fair parenting plan, and ensure that finances and logistics have been worked out satisfactorily.
Sorry for going on, believe it or not there are worse parts that I've left out! But it's possibly a handy guide on what Not to do when ending a marriage!

That's a pretty awful level of treatment by your husband, towards your kids and you. It sounds very unfair, to shirk his responsibility and pay so little heed to the impact on your lives.

Neyite

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I wouldn't ascribe my actions to low self esteem. I wanted to have sex, that was the main instigator.

I don't really like who I have become, that's probably the main driver of my lack of value towards myself. I'm dishonest, not taking actions in my life that I should be doing. I don't have the life or relationships that I want, feel I've wasted a large part of myself.

I was going to ask if you were happy /content but I think you've answered it here.

You've said earlier that you always looked for stuff outside of the marriage, so I wanted to ask was there ever a time you felt you could be or intended to be faithful to your marriage or was it always a case of you going into the marriage knowing that you'd be unfaithful?

Secondly, I'm curious then if you did intend to be faithful, when was it you feel you crossed a line, and what happened. And how did you feel?

Tell me how

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

It's something of a dichotomy. I'm very honest with other people, in that I'll give my opinions and not shy away from addressing an issue. In myself, however, I'm prone to secretiveness, and that allied with my actions, has lead to me lying to my wife and others. I really hate being that person now, I feel diminished in myself. It's hard for me to imagine moving past that and being free of my failures.

If you were able to travel back in time to a certain point in order to change your actions (while still being who you are), how far back would go?

You would not change anything?
To the point before your wife found out?
To the point before you cheated first?
To the point before you got married?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Neyite wrote: »

I was going to ask if you were happy /content but I think you've answered it here.

You've said earlier that you always looked for stuff outside of the marriage, so I wanted to ask was there ever a time you felt you could be or intended to be faithful to your marriage or was it always a case of you going into the marriage knowing that you'd be unfaithful?

Secondly, I'm curious then if you did intend to be faithful, when was it you feel you crossed a line, and what happened. And how did you feel?

I suppose in my mind I differentiated getting happy ending massage from infidelity. It was a way to satisfy a desire for newness that didn't threaten the integrity of my marriage.

I mentioned before, the decision point for me, I think, was wanting explore a bisexual side. I couldn't do that with her, and felt it was something that i had to do. I didn't good about cheating, but I was happy to have that experience. I'd lying if I pretended otherwise.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

If you were able to travel back in time to a certain point in order to change your actions (while still being who you are), how far back would go?

You would not change anything?
To the point before your wife found out?
To the point before you cheated first?
To the point before you got married?

I would go back to before I cheated and act more honestly, be open about my desires and needs. Give my wife an opportunity to make a knowledgeable decision.

bullvine

You said your wife has been with a few people since she found out. Does she actually enjoy s*x? Or was it just to try and get back at you?

[Deleted User]

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I think that we, as parents, as a society, could do a much better job of educating on the emotional contours of relationships. About how people can love differently. To know how to learn their own feelings on love and what they want out of relationships, and then to be able to articulate that to someone else. I would never have realised how much damage you can do by loving someone, the vulnerability that someone who loves you exposes. There's a need for grace and gentleness handling that. How much the ills in the stem from someone who has been hurt, or feels insecure?

That's really well expressed. We teach emotions terribly and end up trapped by simplistic ideas. I often think we teach emotions as opposites (love/hate, sadness/happiness etc) when really they can and do co-exist all the time.

Good luck with it all.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

bullvine wrote: »

You said your wife has been with a few people since she found out. Does she actually enjoy s*x? Or was it just to try and get back at you?

She definitely enjoys sex. She slept with those other guys mostly in response to my actions. She didn't have a good time with all bar 1, due to performances issues. Of the 4 guys she met, 3 of them couldn't perform, to include the couple we met. She had oral with her school friend, but he flaked out on sex and she was over it. The last one she was with, she actually had a good time. He was a visiting business man from Germany, and was in good shape, very well endowed and capable. I had hopes that she would be amenable to meeting people after that, but it didn't pan out.

Tell me how

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

She definitely enjoys sex. She slept with those other guys mostly in response to my actions. She didn't have a good time with all bar 1, due to performances issues. Of the 4 guys she met, 3 of them couldn't perform, to include the couple we met. She had oral with her school friend, but he flaked out on sex and she was over it. The last one she was with, she actually had a good time. He was a visiting business man from Germany, and was in good shape, very well endowed and capable. I had hopes that she would be amenable to meeting people after that, but it didn't pan out.

I'll be honest, this seems like a bizarre level of detail to have posted in response to the question asked.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

I'll be honest, this seems like a bizarre level of detail to have posted in response to the question asked.

Eh, maybe. Trying to give a more complete answer. Figure folks would prefer detail over vagueness.

Reati

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

Eh, maybe. Trying to give a more complete answer. Figure folks would prefer detail over vagueness.

I might have missed it but how did the interactions leading to the affair play out. You hardly went on a business trip and she was in your hotel room when you came back on night.

Like, I've been married 10-ish years and not once have I been in a position where an affair can just have occurred. Maybe I don't have your style

I'd assume one was actively out looking for someone to having an affair with?

Lau2976

Hi OP,

Do you think your wife’s family being conservative affects her decision to stay with you? i.e she doesn’t want to raise kids in a separated family because of it or because of the judgement she feels she’d face from them if you split?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Reati wrote: »

I might have missed it but how did the interactions leading to the affair play out. You hardly went on a business trip and she was in your hotel room when you came back on night.

Like, I've been married 10-ish years and not once have I been in a position where an affair can just have occurred. Maybe I don't have your style

I'd assume one was actively out looking for someone to having an affair with?

I was away for work, met some women on tinder. Ended up in an intense relationship with one of them.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Lau2976 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Do you think your wife’s family being conservative affects her decision to stay with you? i.e she doesn’t want to raise kids in a separated family because of it or because of the judgement she feels she’d face from them if you split?

It's possible. She isn't religious or conservative herself, we haven't introduced any religion into our kids lives, although her family does, to my chagrin.

Segotias

Hi Op,

I have a question from a slightly different perspective. I've been approached by numerous men I know to be their bit on the side.

While I have no interest in going there, none are willing to explain why they want to cheat or cheat with me.

It's very negative for my self esteem to be only good enough to be the bit of fun.

I'm wondering is there a type of woman you go for cos you might thing they're easier or grateful for the attention

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Segotias wrote: »

Hi Op,

I have a question from a slightly different perspective. I've been approached by numerous men I know to be their bit on the side.

While I have no interest in going there, none are willing to explain why they want to cheat or cheat with me.

It's very negative for my self esteem to be only good enough to be the bit of fun.

I'm wondering is there a type of woman you go for cos you might thing they're easier or grateful for the attention

The women I've met have been the ones to show interest in me. I will say that I have noticed they tend have had bad relationships before, or poor sexual experiences. Felt dissatisfied with what they've dealt with to that point. They've been older, late 20s, or 30s, so probably have a decent bit of life experiences when we met.

Breaston Plants

Who's better in bed, and who's better looking your wife or your lover?

Shanotheslayer

Apologies if I missed this.

But why where you on tinder actively seeking something physical? So it wasn't a drunken mistake which lead to things developing.

You actively downloaded an app messaged some made plans etc?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Breaston Plants wrote: »

Who's better in bed, and who's better looking your wife or your lover?

They're different, as any two people are. I think they are both beautiful people, physically and in personality.

My wife is easier to please sexually, she cums a lot, to be blunt. My gf tends to only manage to go once, with a good bit of effort required to help get her there, but I would probably treasure that more. My wife has rarely expressed any fantasies or kinks, I've always introduced new things to our sex life. Whereas my gf has shared quite a few kinks we've explored together, which was really amazing.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Shanotheslayer wrote: »

Apologies if I missed this.

But why where you on tinder actively seeking something physical? So it wasn't a drunken mistake which lead to things developing.

You actively downloaded an app messaged some made plans etc?

I was looking for a sexual encounter. I had already met with a number of women prior to getting together with my gf.

Up Donegal

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi OP,

interesting thread. I used to be a divorce lawyer (long ago now it seems) so i'm not completely unfamiliar with this area but I just wanted to say what you are going through is far more common than the replies here would have you believe. Imo, modern marriage doesn't work. It is extremely human to seek multiple partners over a lifetime.

I have seen many, many people who are excellent parents, excellent providers and generally good people, who also want to explore the full range of human sexuality.

I think, fwiw, you are right to stay married. You and your wife have a workable situation at the minute. I'd be reluctant to leave just because society "thinks" you should. To end with a question, how do you think society could change to accept the widespread occurrence of relationships like yours?

Definitely.

endofrainbow

do your wife and girlfriend (s) know about your encounters with men ?

Segotias

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

The women I've met have been the ones to show interest in me. I will say that I have noticed they tend have had bad relationships before, or poor sexual experiences. Felt dissatisfied with what they've dealt with to that point. They've been older, late 20s, or 30s, so probably have a decent bit of life experiences when we met.

Thanks...so you wouldn't have randomly approached women or approached a woman you know?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

endofrainbow wrote: »

do your wife and girlfriend (s) know about your encounters with men ?

My gf does, we talked about possibly exploring scenarios together related to that.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Segotias wrote: »

Thanks...so you wouldn't have randomly approached women or approached a woman you know?

I met one woman by talking to her at restaurant. The rest I met through an app, tinder and the like. I never looked to meet anyone while I was at home.

IHeartShoes

Do you feel like you're betraying your GF when you sleep with your wife? Would that explain the reduction in engagement you have with her? Do you think feel more loyalty towards one over the other?

You are due to travel for work soon for some months. Are you planning more encounters during that time away? Or will you limit further extramarital liaisons to your GF?

Is your wife anxious about your up and coming work travel given what you might be planning and finally, do you think a polyamorous relationship would best suit your needs?

S

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Do you feel like you're betraying your GF when you sleep with your wife? Would that explain the reduction in engagement you have with her? Do you think feel more loyalty towards one over the other?

That's a good question. I have felt difficulty being with my wife, I've struggled to focus on her and not feel like I'm undermining things with my GF. I know that sounds rather ridiculous the situation. We have talked about, she generally accepts how it is, but I don't know that she is giving her full feelings on the matter. I have felt more of a connection for her over my wife, and I would say that has lead to a decrease in interest and attraction towards my wife. Going through the motions at times.

You are due to travel for work soon for some months. Are you planning more encounters during that time away? Or will you limit further extramarital liaisons to your GF?

I talked to my GF about trying to meet up with her at somepoint. Money and work would make that difficult, but I would hope that I can see her again. I don't have any plans to see someone else but there are women there who I've met in the past that would like to see me.

Is your wife anxious about your up and coming work travel given what you might be planning and finally, do you think a polyamorous relationship would best suit your needs?

S

She would be anxious, things tend to get more fractious between us before I'm due to leave. We haven't really talked about where things stand between us, and how she views me leaving again. I would be in favor of a poly relationship, certainly over the current situation. They are very involved from what I've read, take a huge amount of work and communication. I joke sometime, my goal is a family compound somewhere, with enough room for everyone to have their own space. Silly, for sure.