What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland · 13-11-2019 1:20pm

Omackeral wrote: »

My Friday nights generally consist of a Pot Noodle and ****. This is a potential game changer. Question, would one hypothetically add the sachet of dry vegetables to this vaginal substitute. It could simulate dangleberries I suppose? Whether that's a plus or a minus comes down to personal preference.

I couldn’t recommend adding anything in unless you’re going in “posh”.

The last thing you need is a stray piece of “angular” carrot, sweet corn husk, or, indeed, pea getting lodged down your jappers.

Omackeral · 13-11-2019 1:44pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The last thing you need is a stray piece of “angular” carrot, sweet corn husk, or, indeed, pea getting lodged down your jappers.

This is redundant in a thread concerning bum stuff.

partyguinness · 13-11-2019 1:57pm

Another good one. This takes a little dexterity

Hollow out a good size banana but while keeping the skin intact. Cut off one end and gently manipulate the fruit out.

Pop it in a microwave for 10-20 seconds and bang away. BUT it falls to pieces in your hand so wrap in cling film and also watch that is not too hot- very important...so I am told.

Stevieluvsye · 13-11-2019 2:03pm

There are a lot of very creative minds on this thread, disturbed also, but nonetheless, creative

Bobblehats · 13-11-2019 2:07pm

Where are we going with this. Why don’t you just dip your knob in a hot pocket

EmmetSpiceland · 13-11-2019 2:09pm

Bobblehats wrote: »

Where are we going with this. Why don’t you just dip your knob in a hot pocket

Don’t be so crass.

Bobblehats · 13-11-2019 2:18pm

And make sure it’s “piping” hot

Dr Strange · 13-11-2019 2:36pm

Thread's gone to shit yet again. :mad:

EmmetSpiceland · 13-11-2019 4:13pm

Anyone know of any remedies to combat gas? I’ve been farting fairly frequently today. No real smell but they’re coming out in lengthy “bursts”.

The sound would be similar to that of a two-stroke motorbike revving, 750cc.

It’s as if a big bubble of gas is on its way out but hitting a “blockage” and that’s causing it to break up in a flurry of smaller rapidly exiting farts.

I’m having to go for a walk to let these out. Granted, it’s fun to lift the leg and mimic reviving while out and about but it’s comprising my “productivity” for the day.

Stevieluvsye · 13-11-2019 4:16pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Anyone know of any remedies to combat gas? I’ve been farting fairly frequently today. No real smell but they’re coming out in lengthy “bursts”.

The sound would be similar to that of a two-stroke motorbike revving, 750cc.

It’s as if a big bubble of gas is on its way out but hitting a “blockage” and that’s causing it to break up in a flurry of smaller rapidly exiting farts.

I’m having to go for a walk to let these out. Granted, it’s fun to lift the leg and mimic reviving while out and about but it’s comprising my “productivity” for the day.

Small amount of Baking Soda. You'll be grand in an hour or so

EmmetSpiceland · 13-11-2019 4:22pm

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Small amount of Baking Soda. You'll be grand in an hour or so

I’ll look into that, S. Thanks.

Was wondering if the chemist would stock seaweed “capsules”. I’ve heard that stuff is supposed to work well with cattle and their “emissions”.

Might go some way to lessening my own “carbon skidmark”.

Utter Consternation · 13-11-2019 4:36pm

I'm making fairly pungent dumps these days. The missus has me exiled to the jacks under the stairs. Fcuking jacks is freezing, no radiator in it.

My own personal Coventry.

Hector Savage · 13-11-2019 4:55pm

Dr Strange wrote: »

Thread's gone to shit yet again. :mad:

I apologise, I think I derailed it by asking about that ****eing on a table kink...

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Small amount of Baking Soda. You'll be grand in an hour or so

Really ?
interesting ...

Brendan Bendar · 13-11-2019 4:58pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Anyone know of any remedies to combat gas? I’ve been farting fairly frequently today. No real smell but they’re coming out in lengthy “bursts”.

The sound would be similar to that of a two-stroke motorbike revving, 750cc.

It’s as if a big bubble of gas is on its way out but hitting a “blockage” and that’s causing it to break up in a flurry of smaller rapidly exiting farts.

I’m having to go for a walk to let these out. Granted, it’s fun to lift the leg and mimic reviving while out and about but it’s comprising my “productivity” for the day.

‘Country and Western Medley’ I think some lad called it.

Great description.

Bobblehats · 13-11-2019 4:58pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'm making fairly pungent dumps these days. The missus has me exiled to the jacks under the stairs. Fcuking jacks is freezing, no radiator in it.

My own personal Coventry.

Has me hunched under the stairs like a reprobate too it can get a bit pent up in there, the only release being to seep up and out through the staircase. Cream carpet’s a definite tinge of yellow now

NeinNeinNein · 13-11-2019 5:23pm

Some lovely recipes and household tips on here today. Who would have foreseen that in a thread about defecation etiquette?

EmmetSpiceland · 13-11-2019 5:53pm

Bobblehats wrote: »

Cream carpet’s a definite tinge of yellow now

Are you from “up north”, B, or maybe CoI?

Omackeral · 13-11-2019 5:54pm

Bobblehats wrote: »

Where are we going with this. Why don’t you just dip your knob in a hot pocket

That's incidentally what I call a vagina. That or a fleshy envelope or a sausage wallet

Bobblehats · 13-11-2019 6:01pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Are you from “up north”, B, or maybe CoI?

How do you figure that emmet I’m just busy offsetting her sense of regalia.

Sharp MZ700 · 16-11-2019 6:26pm

Not good lads. Trouser coughing all day here, left the throne like the back wall of a horse's stable just there now. A feed of Taco chips and whiskey last night giving it a CeltMex aroma, even the silverfish are coming out from under the floorboards.

Can't believe that was me tbh.

Bullocks · 16-11-2019 7:31pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Not good lads. Trouser coughing all day here, left the throne like the back wall of a horse's stable just there now. A feed of Taco chips and whiskey last night giving it a CeltMex aroma, even the silverfish are coming out from under the floorboards.

Can't believe that was me tbh.

I'm leaking air loudly here myself today . Pure bittersweet if its ok to describe farts as bitter sweet . I ate roughly a full ring of Kellys pudding (white ) this morning early with a hape of sourdough bread , bit of rasberry jam to finish but that would be carbon neutral as far as i know .
It's savage pudding and the resulting fumes smell awful like the pudding did on the way in practically unaltered . I actually think they smell nice , the wife isn't in agreement though .
Try that Kelly's pudding lads , you don't have to go to Newport for it , they have it stocked in Dunnes and Tesco now . Serious stuff

16-11-2019 8:07pm

Bullocks wrote: »

I'm leaking air loudly here myself today . Pure bittersweet if its ok to describe farts as bitter sweet . I ate roughly a full ring of Kellys pudding (white ) this morning early with a hape of sourdough bread , bit of rasberry jam to finish but that would be carbon neutral as far as i know .
It's savage pudding and the resulting fumes smell awful like the pudding did on the way in practically unaltered . I actually think they smell nice , the wife isn't in agreement though .
Try that Kelly's pudding lads , you don't have to go to Newport for it , they have it stocked in Dunnes and Tesco now . Serious stuff

I prefer the James Whelan white pudding myself, not too bad on the way out either.

EmmetSpiceland · 16-11-2019 8:12pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I prefer the James Whelan white pudding myself, not too bad on the way out either.

Probably depends on where you’re putting it.

16-11-2019 8:15pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Probably depends on where you’re putting it.

FFS, sounded so innocent when I typed it out first!

EmmetSpiceland · 16-11-2019 8:20pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

FFS, sounded so innocent when I typed it out first!

I’ll have to take your word for it, N. You do seem like a normal. You just can’t be too sure with the “users” of this site.

Some them are into things, you know? Weird “things”.

Brendan Bendar · 16-11-2019 8:23pm

Ohh... don’t mention pudding, black or white...please.

Last time I partook in a few rings, blew out a thin blanket of butt soup over the furniture.

Fcuking whiff was like someone burning well used runners.

JohnnyFlash · 16-11-2019 8:30pm

Down in Cork for the weekend. Had 12 pints of Murphy’s last night and decided I’d try tripe and onions today for lunch. This was a very bad decision. Long low ominous rumbles all afternoon, and have started seeping out those silent farts with a ‘damp finish’.

Brendan Bendar · 16-11-2019 8:52pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Down in Cork for the weekend. Had 12 pints of Murphy’s last night and decided I’d try tripe and onions today for lunch. This was a very bad decision. Long low ominous rumbles all afternoon, and have started seeping out those silent farts with a ‘damp finish’.

Would have thought you would have packed the TK Maxx ‘dozen for €5.00 striped selection’ of cheap skiddies after that lot ,John.

Probably left a burst of fecal matter all over the back of the ‘comfort fits’ like a fcuking saucepan after cooking re-fried beans.

Most likely consigned the skids to the Brown Bin to encourage the maggots to get to work and break things down.

fuerte1976 · 16-11-2019 9:23pm

Oh Lads, lads, lads..
A horrendous week I'm
enduring and I'm not outta the woods yet..
Knew on Monday my carcass was acting up and I was about to hit the floor.. Felt cold all day and true to form I hit one of those mobile canteen ****ters attached to the back of a trailer. Dear gawd, I and the porcelain were worn out after my visit.. I broke every etiquette protocol during the encounter.. The fellas scoffing tea, bread n jam @ 5pm had to perform their own evacuation from the adjoining canteen.
My suspected man flu is in fact a respiratory infection for which I'm dosed with antibiotics with and me frame isn't used to any antibiotics..
Kids have disowned me, wife is gonna turf me out all due to the mix running a bit lean.. I contemplated actually setting up a few concrete blocks over the septic tank to deliver the payload directly to the end user..
Please make this end...

Bullocks · 16-11-2019 11:01pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Kids have disowned me, wife is gonna turf me out all due to the mix running a bit lean.. I contemplated actually setting up a few concrete blocks over the septic tank to deliver the payload directly to the end user..
Please make this end...

I was thinking about this today , would many of ye consider having a personal ****house ? For your own comfort and also to keep the rest of the household happy not to have to endure any manly strong bodied evacuations ?
We do a bit of farming here and I know two farming buddies that crap in the cow sheds to avoid complaints from the missus' . One lad is on slats so it drops away into the tank out of sight but the other lad is in a straw bedded shed and you can see dots of andrex around the shed (not ideal )
I built a crapper for a retired man a few years ago too , I think he used to poop on company time and didn't like dropping grout at home after he retired so got me to help him make a small lean to against the back of his house . Really cheap and cheerful job but he was delighted not to be sharing

sligojoek · 17-11-2019 1:32am

My late great father in law built a garage/workshop next to the house. First and foremost in the plans was a 'potty house' in the corner. Radiator and tiled to the ceiling. Shelf for reading material. Swarfega for 'oily' clean-ups. Top facility.
I lived there temporarily for a few months 20 years ago. I had to go out for something one morning after he'd been in there dropping off the load. Not pleasant. Best kept out of a nice house.

KWAG2019 · 17-11-2019 2:08am

Bullocks wrote: »

We do a bit of farming here and I know two farming buddies that crap in the cow sheds to avoid complaints from the missus' . One lad is on slats so it drops away into the tank out of sight but the other lad is in a straw bedded shed and you can see dots of andrex around the shed (not ideal )

Your first buddy has probably fallen foul of some obscure EU rule drawn up by a German Green MEP banning the use of the cattle “facilities”. The stress these animals must suffer at the sight of yer man heaving in to view after a feed of 14 pints and a takeaway Indian plus a few kebabs can only be horrendous. The beasts will be immune to their own stink but the noxious emissions of buddy 1 must cause weight loss to the animals as well as souring the milk. Disgusting.

Your second buddy is a right snowflake. Who ever heard of Andrex when there is good straw bedding available! A vigorous abrasive like that will straighten him up and a few stray wisps out the back of his trousers will add to his rustic charm.

Brendan Bendar · 17-11-2019 3:21am

sligojoek wrote: »

My late great father in law built a garage/workshop next to the house. First and foremost in the plans was a 'potty house' in the corner. Radiator and tiled to the ceiling. Shelf for reading material. Swarfega for 'oily' clean-ups. Top facility.
I lived there temporarily for a few months 20 years ago. I had to go out for something one morning after he'd been in there dropping off the load. Not pleasant. Best kept out of a nice house.

What was the “reading material” The Capuchin Annual and the Messenger?

KWAG2019 · 17-11-2019 3:25am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What was the “reading material” The Capuchin Annual and the Messenger?

The Messenger was always superior paper to The Far East. Beware of glossies lads. Poor absorption and liable to skid.

sligojoek · 17-11-2019 4:21am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What was the “reading material” The Capuchin Annual and the Messenger?

Bullseye on the 'Messenger'. Never heard of the other one.

Brendan Bendar · 17-11-2019 6:21am

KWAG2019 wrote: »

The Messenger was always superior paper to The Far East. Beware of glossies lads. Poor absorption and liable to skid.

Lad I knew was devoid of arse wad and the only thing he had on his person was an old Aer Lingus ticket cover.

Needs must,so he drew the said cover across his hoop, but unfortunately there was a a staple embedded in the unit and ripped the hole off him.

Took weeks to get back to normal, not reccomended.:eek:

Sharp MZ700 · 17-11-2019 10:09am

Amateur mistake that Brendan.
Have been caught short like that outdoors once or twice myself there's nothing handier than your own sock. Softer than the best 4ply around it's an absolute luxury and a must try for everyone at least once in a lifetime.
Distractions are not good lest you go putting it back on subconsciously. Wipe and throw,wipe and throw.

KWAG2019 · 17-11-2019 11:42am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Amateur mistake that Brendan.
Have been caught short like that outdoors once or twice myself there's nothing handier than your own sock. Softer than the best 4ply around it's an absolute luxury and a must try for everyone at least once in a lifetime.
Distractions are not good lest you go putting it back on subconsciously. Wipe and throw,wipe and throw.

A good emergency step to know. On the other hand I’m now looking at hipsters in a very strange light. No socks like. What we thought was fashion lads might be very sinister.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-11-2019 12:00pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Amateur mistake that Brendan.
Have been caught short like that outdoors once or twice myself there's nothing handier than your own sock. Softer than the best 4ply around it's an absolute luxury and a must try for everyone at least once in a lifetime.
Distractions are not good lest you go putting it back on subconsciously. Wipe and throw,wipe and throw.

The sock would be my “go to” as well, S.

Have never had to avail of its “services” in that regard but, tell me, which side did you use? The outside that has been stuck in your smelly shoe or the inside that’s been stewed over your sweaty feet?

I’d go outside as I’d fear some form of weird “cross contamination”. Wouldn’t fancy suffering from some weird fungal fronds sprouting across my hole, a dose of “athlete’s arse”, as it were.

Your input on this matter, not my hole, would be appreciated.

Sharp MZ700 · 17-11-2019 1:08pm

I've used both inside and out E, I'd actually go inner preferably as at least if I did catch athlete's arse the same ointment would do my feet and hairy canyon.
I'm sure there's medical research out there disputes my reasoning but it beats having to contend with unknown bacteria on the inside of my boot or shoe.

What troubles me more is the reusability of the sock. Something akin to those rubbish pickers the council lads use, only a pocket version which would turn the sock inside out and conceal the shìt pebbles and fecal vomit inside, pop it in a freezer bag( I know I know), and save it in the glovecatch for the next nature excursion. Less environmental impact, four wipes per pair.

Am I overthinking this?

Bobblehats · 17-11-2019 2:09pm

I’m not sure anyone recommended you put a sock in it; sharp but then the in you seem to be no stranger to the latest household implements that may be beneficial you should such a fate occur

Would a third sock interest you? That way there can always be at least one in the wash. Something I have considered myself

17-11-2019 2:57pm

Jesus, just back from the gym there and the fent from the upstairs bathroom hit me as soon as I opened the front door. My housemate was out last night and there was a small pile of crisp wrappers and bread crumbs on the table this morning when I got up. Late night crisp sandwiches and a load of beer does not make for a good combination for sharing houses lads.
I had to open every upstairs window in the house (and it's ****ing cold out) and spray half a bottle of pure to reduce the fent.

NeinNeinNein · 17-11-2019 5:42pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Lad I knew was devoid of arse wad and the only thing he had on his person was an old Aer Lingus ticket cover.

Needs must,so he drew the said cover across his hoop, but unfortunately there was a a staple embedded in the unit and ripped the hole off him.

Took weeks to get back to normal, not reccomended.:eek:

The nostalgia in that tale is quite beautiful.

Wouldn't happen in these days of online bookings.

The main challenge now is to not fall off the desk while squatting over the printer.

Brendan Bendar · 17-11-2019 5:53pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

The nostalgia in that tale is quite beautiful.

Wouldn't happen in these days of online bookings.

The main challenge now is to not fall off the desk while squatting over the printer.

Thank you for the excellent observation, pal.

Indeed that was partly the reason for reporting the event.

Instead of some fat sweaty fcuker with a chin strap beard waving a cheap phone over a device, you had a genuine dude with paper back up and a good attitude.

We need to think a bit about proper service, and less about chinless thossers who treat folk like three day dog scchite.

padd b1975 · 17-11-2019 6:17pm

KWAG2019 wrote: »

The Messenger was always superior paper to The Far East. Beware of glossies lads. Poor absorption and liable to skid.

The only good thing about the Far East was the musings of a certain P. Ryan.

NeinNeinNein · 17-11-2019 7:42pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

The only good thing about the Far East was the musings of a certain P. Ryan.

Ra Ra Ryan?

padd b1975 · 17-11-2019 9:26pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Ra Ra Ryan?

Pudsy.

Voodoomelon · 18-11-2019 12:30am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Lad I knew was devoid of arse wad and the only thing he had on his person was an old Aer Lingus ticket cover.

Needs must,so he drew the said cover across his hoop, but unfortunately there was a a staple embedded in the unit and ripped the hole off him.

Took weeks to get back to normal, not reccomended.:eek:

Jesus that's wildly obscure enough to be true! :eek:

Hector Savage · 18-11-2019 9:12am

I was on a Malaysian Island back in 2001, was reading Sherlock Holmes on the beach - I had bought the book cos it was €2 in Charle De Gaule airport before my 14 hour poxy flight to Singapore.

Anyway, felt the guts rumbling and made a beeline for the jacks, no TP so had to rip out the 1st few pages and use them.
My brother found the story hilarious and even left a note on the book explaining the pages absense, would have been something I forgot but found the book recently and was in stitches laughing at the note.

Brendan Bendar · 18-11-2019 10:01am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Jesus that's wildly obscure enough to be true! :eek:

Better believe it Vee.... they used to staple the baggage reclaim tags on the cover, I'm told.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments