The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…

Oh well, I guess things can only improve.

I have to say, this reflects badly on his family.

I quit my job as a butler in a stately home.

I didn't like being spoken to in that Manor.

I once burnt my tongue when I ate a red hot chili pepper and I don't ever want to feel like I did that day...

Don't joke about power outages.

That's just dark humour.

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Q: What did the Russian soldier say when his missile missed its target?

A: I squandered my Iskander

When Marcel Marceau died on September 22, 2007 a minutes noise was held throughout France.

Karl Marks sister Onya invented the starting pistol.

Hopefully it's not too sievere!

If you work in a medal shop, it must be very hard to ask people what they want without sounding sarcastic.....

People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest...

My wife bought a ruler from Smyths, and heaven knows I'm measureable now...

In a twist on the traditional Thanksgiving practice, a turkey pardoned Joe Biden.

Looking around the restaurant a diner noticed all the waiters had a spoon in their chest pocket. Curious he asked his waiter why they carried one. "Simple, management noticed that spoons are the most commonest dropped items of cutlery, so we carry a spare to save time going to the cutlery drawer to fetch one" Later on as the waiter served the next course, the diner noticed a bit of string coming out from his fly. Again the diner was even more curious. Waiter explained it was a time saving exercise that when going to the toilet he pulled the string and his flute popped out and he could relieve himself and save time having to wash his hands. "So tell us how do you pop it back? enquired the diner. "Oh we use a spoon" replied the waiter