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One-Liner Jokes

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    #3272
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

    My next sh1t could spell Disaster.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3273
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was in Belfast Airport and saw a load of people Stuck to a Wall.

















    Apparently the IRA had exploded a No More Nails Bomb.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3274
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow.

    I rang them today to check the time.

    It's at fookin ten to one.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3275
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just spent an hour defrosting the freezer.















    Or 'foreplay', as she calls it

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3276
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please"

    Two German spies in London walk into a bar, ask for two sherries.

    Barman says "Dry?"

    Spy said "No, two"

    Another Roman goes into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

    The bar man says "do you mean Martini" and the Roman says,

    "If I want a double, I'll ask for it."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3277
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I tried to get into a top Dublin night club last night but the bouncer said

    'Sorry mate, you've had too many.'

    I said 'What, I've only had a couple of beers.'


    He said 'I meant birthdays.:o

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3278
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a camel with Four Humps?




    A Saudi Quattro.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3279
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a camel with no Hump?









    Humphrey.




    :rolleyes:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3280
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I thought the tumble dryer made my clothes shrink.......








    Turns out it was the refrigerator.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3281
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Attitudes towards cosmetic surgery have changed greatly over the years.





    These days if you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3282
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,

    "I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife".












    A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3283
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Next time your wife is angry, drape a tea towel over her shoulders like a cape and say

    "Now you're super angry"





    Maybe she'll laugh.





    Maybe you'll die.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3284
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to my mate, "I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back."

    He said, "Oh, that's nice, what did it say?"



    I replied, "Nothing, he's a dog."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3285
    mikefelps042
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭mikefelps042


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I tried to get into a top Dublin night club last night but the bouncer said

    'Sorry mate, you've had too many.'

    I said 'What, I've only had a couple of beers.'


    He said 'I meant birthdays.:o

    ))))


  • Options
    #3286
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.









    She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3287
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

    Sold his soul to santa

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3288
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,266 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ............


    ............. she hit the roof.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3289
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,266 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."

    I went over. Nobody was home.




    Why was the blonde so disappointed when she got her license?

    She had gotten an F in sex!




    ( I hope I created a balance there, 1 where the female has the upper hand over the man, and the other is kinda belittleing the female.... pc/feminism/outraged etc ...) ;)
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3290
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I bumped into my mate's wife and daughter in Tesco one day.

    Asked the little girl if she'd seen the Peppa Pig jigsaws going cheap in the next aisle.


    Thought the mum was going to kill me when I pointed out the packs of bacon bits and left her to explain to her puzzled looking toddler...:confused:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3291
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Hear about the dyslexic Santa?












    Oh Oh Oh

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3292
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A very very small women goes to the doctors, and says, "doctor ive got a itchy fanny".

    Doctor lifts up her skirt, gets some sissors and goes snip snip, he says, "Is that better?

    The woman says, "A bit better , but its still itchy doctor".

    So the doctor lifts her skirt up again, snip snip snip snip.

    "Is that better" the doctor says,

    "Yes" the woman replies, "fantastic what did you do doctor"...?


    The doctor replies,





    "I cut the fur off the top of ur ugg boots"...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3293
    RobbingBandit
    Registered Users Posts: 18,093 ✭✭✭✭RobbingBandit


    I told a girl I know she was hot

    She asked me for a drink of water


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    #3294
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Who's Santa's favourite Rock and Roll singer?


    Elfish Presently.


    _______________

    News just in     - Santa has modernised his favourite singer....it's now Beyonsleigh

    xmas.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3295
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,266 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3296
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.







    I usually smoke Marlboro but hey, a deal is a deal.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3297
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

    He said, "thanks, but how do you know I'm not a serial killer"?


    I replied, "It's Ok, what are the odds of there being two serial killers in the same car at the same time"?


    remember-november-13.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3298
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,266 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    The man that invented throat lozengers died yesterday ...

    No coffin at his funeral.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3299
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm self employed, if you see me talking to myself, don't worry, I'm having a staff meeting.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3300
    gammygils
    Registered Users Posts: 17,241 ✭✭✭✭gammygils


    I bought my girlfriend a fridge for Christmas

    I wanted to see her face light up when she opened it


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    #3301
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Before the Iron age..






    Everything was creased.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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