Hard to handle life right now.

RobertKK · 28-09-2016 12:25pm

Sorry to hear that news bear1.

You have gotten good advice above and I can't help apart from say, to keep sharing here if it helps you.
We all hoped the news would have been good, but it was not to be, but we are all still here for you.

Gmol · 28-09-2016 12:35pm

Ah God, I'm really sorry that you received such news, focus on yourself and your wife, that's the only priority right now.
Wishing you both well

meforever · 28-09-2016 12:45pm

Stay calm ..........Someone somewhere may have a solution to what appears to be a most difficult situation .

Buford T. Justice XIX · 28-09-2016 1:08pm

Sorry to hear you got bad news, bear1, you are in all our thoughts today.

Take care of yourself and your wife and child, it's a very rough time but you will manage.

Karmella · 28-09-2016 1:17pm

I can only imagine how heartbreaking that news was

So sorry to hear it.

My thoughts are with you xx

RandomName2 · 28-09-2016 1:47pm

I think there's a great thing about this thread.

Anybody can be looked at and considered fine: with a family, loving wife, job and roof over their heads, but that doesn't sometimes bear any relation to the personal pressures people are experiencing at the time.

I think it's probably really important for people in Ireland to start discussing, in a clear, practical way, the sort of shít they're having to deal with. If the relative anonymity of boards is the way to do this, all well and good.

IrishZeus · 28-09-2016 2:10pm

Bear, I'm so sorry to hear your news.

I don't know if this is any consolation but myself and my wife went through something similar. We spent the last few years in very tight and difficult financial circumstances where I was also deeply unhappy in my job due to a bullying boss. We also had and still have issues with pregnancies and babies.

We have two little girls. Our first was born premature and we were told from 20 weeks on that there were developmental issues and risks and we had to have detailed scans every 2 weeks. We were being checked at every scan to see if a section was required. She is now a healthy and happy 22 month old and she is absolutely thriving. On our second, she was found to have an anomoly on her kidney which is considered to be at the "severe" end of the specturm and while we are still awaiting further scans and a date for surgery which will be required in the next month or two, she's 5 months old now and is a happy, content child and will continue to be after.

Somebody said earlier, that if you're going through hell, keep going. Both my wife and I have felt battered and beaten the last few years but we are coming near the end. I've changed jobs since and am now running my own company. We restructured our debt and now have financial freedom. Our first daughter is as healthy and as happy as can be, depsite the 6 months of hardship and torture that we went through. Our second daughter will get her scan, will get her surgery and will be completely sorted in a matter of months. Things will get better.

Three years ago, I sat on the floor of my sitting room and cried my eyes out at how things were. There was no light at the end of the tunnel (and that was before the kids!) Now, a few years later, things are almost back to normal.

Keep your head up. Look after your family first and foremost and forget about everything else as much as you possibly can. Don't borrow trouble - deal with the here and now and I can promise you that things will come together for you in the future. Most of all - remember the positives. Remind yourself of them all the time. When I felt down, I thought about my wife, my kids, my family - everything positive that I have and how lucky I am to have them.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

P.

28-09-2016 2:15pm

I'm sorry to hear your news bear, I can't imagine how stressed you are. Don't feel you have to be strong or brave, just hang onto your wife and get one another through this. Don't ask anything more of yourself than to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and just get through each day at a time.

You'll get a clearer picture of what your options are, and when you do, yourself, your wife and medical team will come up with a plan. When you have something to work to, you won't feel so lost.

Try remember that even if the worst happens, you will get through it. It's no consolation I know, but others have been where you are right now, and they got through it too. For now, just hang in there, and hang onto your wife because you need each other right now.

I'm thinking of you and your family, I really wish you nothing but the best and I'm so sorry you didn't have more heartening news.

Poochie05 · 28-09-2016 2:16pm

Hi Bear,
I am really sorry to hear this news for you.
All I can say is you never know what you can handle until you are going through it. And you will surprise yourself. The most important thing is not to shut yourself down, especially from your wife. If you feel like sitting in a dark room, do it together, hold each other, during the day give each other a glance and a nod every now and again, even if you cannot bring yourselves to talk about it. If you need to get out and be in denial for a while, do that, just make sure to say that is what you are doing. Or go out together with your child. Sometimes the innocence and straightforwardness can be a welcome distraction.
You don't have to be 'strong' for her, even though you may be processing this in different ways, be sure not to close your emotions away. Focus on the present, we cannot predict the future and it is normally not nearly as bleak as we imagine. The human spirit is quite resilient and copes in extraordinary ways. Be kind to yourself and your family. You are in my thoughts.

KERSPLAT! · 28-09-2016 2:20pm

Can't imagine what you're going through. Look after yourself

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 28-09-2016 2:30pm

Extremely sorry to read that Bear. Just look after each other.

Lucyfur · 28-09-2016 2:32pm

Sending you a gentle hug. I'm so sorry today wasn't positive for you and your wife. Just hold each other and go with whatever emotions you feel. There's no right or wrong way to feel x

28-09-2016 2:40pm

Ah Bear, I am so very sorry to hear that

All I can say to you is to mind each other right now. The road ahead will be tough but you'll get there xx

HiGlo · 28-09-2016 3:30pm

I am very sorry to hear your news. I hope you're doing ok.
Look after yourself and your family.

PlamenDon · 28-09-2016 3:58pm

Sorry to hear that Bear, just do the best you can.

shamrock2004 · 28-09-2016 4:41pm

I'm so sorry to hear the news about the little one pal, my heart bleeds for you and your wife. I wish you all the positivity in the world during this dark period. Things will get better.

volchitsa · 28-09-2016 4:46pm

I'm so sorry to hear that, Bear. It's an unbearable thing to have to experience, and yet you will find the strength to get through it, together, even if that seems unimaginable at the minute. Thinking of you, both of you, and the baby.

La.de.da · 28-09-2016 4:49pm

I've very little words for you OP only to say I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's unimaginably cruel.
Keep posting here if it helps, it helps to have a place to vent.

mansize · 28-09-2016 10:06pm

Bear, as all the others have said very sorry to hear your news.

The medical professionals and the website of the support group above are best placed to help you both through this difficult time.

Thinking of you.

Autosport · 28-09-2016 10:20pm

Thinking of you Bear "hugs"

cbyrd · 28-09-2016 10:42pm

Devastating news for your family. I'm so sorry. Take care of yourselves.

me_right_one · 28-09-2016 11:59pm

Hi again Bear.

I realise that this is a horrible time, but if my story can help in any way...well I just hope it can.

A close friend of mine had troulbe conceiving. He and his wife were desperate for a baby. They had IVF treatment, which was successful. Too successful! My friends wife ended up conceiving triplets. Now, as if that wasnt going to be enough trouble, one of the triplets had a condition known as gastroschisis. Basically, her stomach was outside her body.

The doctors gave all three little chance. Even if they survived birth, they said that the affected baby would probably not live long, and that it would be unlikely my friends wife would come out unscathed either. Thankfully however, the babies were delivered by c-section at 28 weeks. Not only did all three survive, and my friends wife was ok, but the vulnerable child made a full recovery. It took several operations, and yes, there will be issues later in life, but thank God they are all ok. All three are now 2 years old, and they are thriving like any other babies, without any major problems.

My friend went through similar life circumstances to yourself. He had a great career, which he sacrificed to take care of his family. His wife got plunged from being a newlywed pining for a baby, to being a mom of three, with one needing special care in her early years. They had just finished building a house which is now up for sale, as they had to adjust to a more frugal lifestyle at a shocking sharp pace. Their lives will never be the same. But the most important thing is that everybody in their family is well.

So its do-able! If they can do it with triplets, anybody can! When your child is born, be it naturally or with intervention, your duty is to give her every chance. You will be looking back on all this on her 1st birthday with relief. And you will be laughing at her 18th birthday, and wistfully reminiscing on her wedding day! Feck all the other troubles in life, so-what if you take up smoking, so-what if the bank starts sending snotty letters! Feck them! Right now, your only option is to fight for the family you love, especially your vulnerable little one. Thats the only thing that matters.

And buddy, if you or your family need any sort of help (practical, financial, whatever), click the PM button. Thats one thing I love about Boards. You are not alone.

Glass fused light · 29-09-2016 1:33am

Bear1 I am so sorry to hear the results.

bear1 wrote: »

I'm sorry to my wife for this and wish I could give her the news she wants to hear but I'm just.. speechless I guess.

Simply lost.

I have never faced such devastating news but I find thinking about the words of the serenity prayer help me accept that some things are beyond my control.

"grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference"

What is happening with/to your child is so beyond your or your wife's control.
So I wish for serenity for both you and your wife.

29-09-2016 7:42am

On a practical level, your medical advisors should be able to provide the contacts for counselling and support services. I think they might be able to provide a lot more detailed and specific advice, backed by expertise and experience.

happyoutscan · 29-09-2016 7:49am

Keep going bear and keep that head up! Thinking of you man.

HS3 · 29-09-2016 8:02am

Aw Bear, so sorry to read the update. Take care of yourself and your wife. What an awful thing to be told. Wishing you both all the very best.

whiskeyman · 29-09-2016 8:08am

Many peoples thoughts and best wishes are with you Bear.
You both will get through this, although it seems impossible right now.
Look after yourself and each other.

Specialun · 29-09-2016 9:33pm

Gutted for you bear.

Summer wind · 29-09-2016 10:55pm

Hi Bear1 I'm so sorry to hear of the update of your little baby. Just remember at the moment your little baby is safe as can be and I really hope that you and your wife will get better news from your medical team next week. Please don't give up hope. Give your wife and your bigger baby lots of hugs and we are all wishing for the very best for you all.

bear1 · 05-10-2016 3:02pm

I'll update this as it's been a while.
Our news gets from bad to worse at this stage.
The child has again been given a 0% survival rate after more abnormalities were discovered.
My wife is again devastating.
It appears now that the child can die at any point but more than likey it will make it to birth where it will eventually die.
I've been off work now for a while which seems to be worse as I've nothing to take my mind off of things.
Our other child is luckily keeping us smiling but if it wasn't for her I think we would have collapsed.
The thought now that I'll never see him or her walk, say it's first words, first day at school is breaking my heart over and over.
The only thing that is certain is that I'll be burying my child within the next 6 months.
If you have kids then I'd recommend hugging them cause as annoying or as much of a pain in the ass they can be they are just utter joys.

Penny Tration · 05-10-2016 3:07pm

*hug* I'm so, so sorry mate. There's really nothing else I can say. Be kind to yourselves x

Lollipops23 · 05-10-2016 3:07pm

Oh Bear I'm so sorry. There are no words that will make it all better, so I won't patronise you by trying. You, your wife and your two babies are in my thoughts. Take care of each other and yourself X

Glass fused light · 05-10-2016 3:35pm

Bear I am truly sorry to hear your news, I had been thinking of you this morning and hoping that no news was good news, so that the results would be good. Please be kind to yourself and your wife. And hug your other child. If you have not got it already, ask for a referral to a support group and a grief counselling. There's really nothing else I can say except sorry.

cbyrd · 05-10-2016 3:45pm

I'm so sad for you and your wife. Words mean very little in the midst of tragedy but we say them anyway.
Take care of yourselves. xx

volchitsa · 05-10-2016 3:52pm

I'm so sorry to hear that, Bear. Life can really suck sometimes.
Thinking of you all.

bear1 · 05-10-2016 4:23pm

Thanks all. I wish I could add more or anything remotely positive but I just can't.
Your posts really help.

05-10-2016 4:44pm

I don't have the words to express how sorry I am for all you're going through, Bear. You and your little family have been in my thoughts.

forestgirl · 05-10-2016 5:36pm

This is very sad and a really terrible time you are having,I'm very sorry to read it

La.de.da · 05-10-2016 7:36pm

Ye are in my thoughts OP. Take care x

HS3 · 05-10-2016 7:45pm

My thoughts are with you and your wife. What a truly horrible turn of events. The poor little mite too. xx

me_right_one · 05-10-2016 7:49pm

bear1 wrote: »

The child has again been given a 0% survival rate after more abnormalities were discovered.
My wife is again devastating.
It appears now that the child can die at any point but more than likey it will make it to birth where it will eventually die.
I've been off work now for a while which seems to be worse as I've nothing to take my mind off of things.
Our other child is luckily keeping us smiling but if it wasn't for her I think we would have collapsed.
The thought now that I'll never see him or her walk, say it's first words, first day at school is breaking my heart over and over.
The only thing that is certain is that I'll be burying my child within the next 6 months.

So sorry to hear this Bear. At least she has a loving Dad and a brave Mum. I hope if she lives for a few days, at least you all will have time to bond and your baby will feel your love for her. Babies funeral services are always the most heartbreaking, but in a way, I think they are the most beautiful. Nobody deserves to be terminally ill, least of all a child. Thinking of you all.

zoe 3619 · 05-10-2016 8:27pm

Thinking of you bear.don't really know what to say..would give you a hug if i could.

zoe 3619 · 05-10-2016 8:28pm

Thinking of you bear.don't really know what to say..would give you a hug if i could.

mansize · 05-10-2016 9:00pm

Take care and hoping you get all the help and support you need. Xxx

KingMonkey · 05-10-2016 10:13pm

most depressing thread ever

mailforkev · 05-10-2016 10:26pm

KingMonkey wrote: »

most depressing thread ever

I disagree, the fact that so many strangers can rally around bear to help him through his terrible news is quite uplifting to be honest.

Summer wind · 05-10-2016 10:39pm

Hi Bear1 I'm so very sorry to hear this news. It's absolutely heartbreaking. We are all thinking of you.

05-10-2016 10:41pm

bear1 wrote: »

........... I wish I could add more or anything remotely positive but I just can't..............

You are in a devastating situation.

My folks lost their first 2 kids as infants, I don't think they ever really got over it and I'm 36. One of my best friends lost his firstborn as an infant too and he also never got over it, and I say that as someone who became his buddy quite a few years after he and his wife had that tragedy. They pottered on though..... good times and bad times.

You and your wife will always think of this baby as your second child so there will always be sorrow and a huge void going forward but so too there will always be the love ye have for this baby.

I can only presume there is some form of counselling or something along those lines that is/will be made available to you and your wife.... do take this up even if you feel you don't want to.

I have no kids so cannot at all imagine what you are feeling or going through but don't think to yourself that you are not handling this well or anything..... don't shut yourself off from the wife or try to be the pillar of strenght, you can support your wife while not hiding you are in bits.

bear1 · 06-10-2016 8:18am

KingMonkey wrote: »

most depressing thread ever

I'm sorry this thread depressed you.
I hope that I have not ruined your life cause of this. If you need some support just let me know.
God forbid you ever go through what I am and if you don't want to read the thread then don't enter it.
Simple isn't it.

IrishZeus · 06-10-2016 9:52am

Bear,

Sorry to hear the update. Nothing anybody says will make you feel better and you have a tough time ahead. I can't imagine anything harder to go through.

All I would say is, look to the future. Whilst this time may never leave you, you'll still have your wife and your first child. They will lean on you and you will lean on them and you will all come out the other end of this as stronger people.

You have countless years ahead of being a husband and a father and all the joys that come with that. Remind yourself of that as often as you can - always, always try to remember the positives and hopefully they will help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

As unimaginably hard as it is, this time will pass and you and your family will be ok.

Hard to handle life right now.

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