What's the etiquette here??

Andreas77 · 22-08-2019 4:35pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Lads, where do we stand on Bidets? I've never had the fortune (or misfortune) of using one.

If an individual has concerns relating to ecological issues, or the welfare and longevity of the planet, then there is a lot that can be said for bidet usage. Principally, it reduces the need for excess toilet paper use on the occasion of a particularly filthy and clingy anus by loosening debris and crumbs of muck through an aerated stream of water shot up into the anal mouth. Typically a user will rotate their buttocks gently in a circular motion letting the water jet hose down each square millimeter of their anus lips in succession. On normal power the bidet will release approximately 5 liters of water a minute, but the enema or turbo function which will provide a deep clean of both the anal mouth and the first inch of anal tract may use considerably more. A deep clean is recommended by many doctors as weekly practice. The bidet also serves a therapeutic function in many continental homes through use of adjustable spray pressure, a seat warmer and a water heater. Many users report a pleasant 'numbing' or 'tickling' sensation on their anus lips which reverberates through their entire being causing a lasting feeling of contentment for several days. If you are not aware, regular toilets can be adapted for bidet use, but in general, every home should have an independent bidet to keep anal hygiene in check, and to stop the build up of micro-bacterial elements or colon mucus which cling to the anus mouth and inner tract.

gerrybbadd · 22-08-2019 5:03pm

Christ A, 4 posts deep and you are already a legend. What information!!! Thank you, a most valued member

Andreas77 · 22-08-2019 5:09pm

Shelf for turd drop: I’ve seen a variety of disparaging remarks on the superior toilet solutions which are available in many continental homes, ie. enema deep clean, shelf structure for turd drop, multiple flush options correlating to strength. Principle selling point of shelf structure for turd drop is elimination of splashback from large turds or streams of liquid muck which may cause counterflowing fountains of fouled-up water full of fecal enzymes, digestive juices, and nuggets of microscopic anal flora from other household members to cascade along the inside of the user's legs as well as cream the testes sack in men, or the labia major in women. Additionally it is useful to examine faecal matter for blood, bile, and issues related to malabsorption and fiber on a quarterly basis. Toilet brush usage can be minimized with proper usage.

Borderfox · 22-08-2019 6:28pm

https://youtu.be/8d8h1lbzoHY

Brendan Bendar · 22-08-2019 6:38pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

This is all, sadly, true. I have even seen a fanny pad stuck to a wall. In a government office!

Correct, went into a public service schytter recently and there were two cnunt corks spinning in the throat of the pan.

Hosed out a thin mist of rancid midden, guaranteed to sink the fcukers,but the fcukers bobbed up after the flush..

Maybe the mixture was too thin.

Brendan Bendar · 22-08-2019 7:09pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Shelf for turd drop: I’ve seen a variety of disparaging remarks on the superior toilet solutions which are available in many continental homes, ie. enema deep clean, shelf structure for turd drop, multiple flush options correlating to strength. Principle selling point of shelf structure for turd drop is elimination of splashback from large turds or streams of liquid muck which may cause counterflowing fountains of fouled-up water full of fecal enzymes, digestive juices, and nuggets of microscopic anal flora from other household members to cascade along the inside of the user's legs as well as cream the testes sack in men, or the labia major in women. Additionally it is useful to examine faecal matter for blood, bile, and issues related to malabsorption and fiber on a quarterly basis. Toilet brush usage can be minimized with proper usage.

A chara, no way will I delve through my logs, on any fcuking shelf, to check out anything.

I will take the consequences.

EmmetSpiceland · 22-08-2019 8:05pm

I’ve got the “broccoli” farts. This is going to be a long, smelly, night.

Hego Damask · 22-08-2019 10:41pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

This is all, sadly, true. I have even seen a fanny pad stuck to a wall. In a government office!

What is it about government offices that the jacks are f*cking rancid ?
Is it the workers there with spite and resentment to the jobs and people they have to work with ?
Is it cos they know they would literally have to walk into work with a syringe hanging out of their arm to even come close to getting sacked - so they don't give a f*ck ??
What the hell is it ?

sligojoek · 22-08-2019 10:55pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

This is all, sadly, true. I have even seen a fanny pad stuck to a wall. In a government office!

A disgruntled "customer"??

fuerte1976 · 22-08-2019 11:36pm

Aromatic you mean!

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve got the “broccoli” farts. This is going to be a long, smelly, night.

Sharp MZ700 · 23-08-2019 7:34am

These early morning deposits sure do a man good. Had a few small ones last night after a Yakatori Duck from some street food gaff. Feeling a bit mawkish earlier took a Solpadeine to kick start the day.
Between the duck the whiskey and the drugs it's just oozing out of me here in the small Jax. Like 20 minute soaked arse Weetabix. Powerful start to the day.
I only hope those in trouble with the sewerage treatment systems can take solace in my positivety and not get too down however hopeless things might seem.

Aglomerado · 23-08-2019 8:59am

Hego Damask wrote: »

Aglomerado wrote: »

This is all, sadly, true. I have even seen a fanny pad stuck to a wall. In a government office!

What is it about government offices that the jacks are f*cking rancid ?
Is it the workers there with spite and resentment to the jobs and people they have to work with ?
Is it cos they know they would literally have to walk into work with a syringe hanging out of their arm to even come close to getting sacked - so they don't give a f*ck ??
What the hell is it ?

I wish I knew. One of my colleagues went to the toilet one day and found a trap, floor and all, destroyed with midden and a besh1tted pair of pink knickers in the sink.

Hector Savage · 23-08-2019 9:30am

Aglomerado wrote: »

I wish I knew. One of my colleagues went to the toilet one day and found a trap, floor and all, destroyed with midden and a besh1tted pair of pink knickers in the sink.

Set of some German scat film ?

edit - but obviously no accident, what is it with some people, grudges ? or would they just do that as fast on some strangers bog.
Bizarree really...

Roger Hassenforder · 23-08-2019 10:40am

Hego Damask wrote: »

What is it about government offices that the jacks are f*cking rancid ?
Is it the workers there with spite and resentment to the jobs and people they have to work with ?
Is it cos they know they would literally have to walk into work with a syringe hanging out of their arm to even come close to getting sacked - so they don't give a f*ck ??
What the hell is it ?

I reckon you're talking about the 'front end' of the government office, i.e. the toilets where the public have access to?

Theres a big difference in quality of facilities on offer to Bridget and the 7 kids looking for her forever home beside her 40yr old mam, while her useless cnut of a partner whiles away the day going from bookie to local, and those provided to Marion on her 2 1/2 day week:
Deep pile carpets, mood music with discrete LED strip lighting, wifi, heated seats and Quilted Northern paper, along with a gender appropriate toilet attendant V a glorified hole in the ground with toilet paper Aldi would be embarrassed to sell.

gerrybbadd · 23-08-2019 11:23am

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

I reckon you're talking about the 'front end' of the government office, i.e. the toilets where the public have access to?

Theres a big difference in quality of facilities on offer to Bridget and the 7 kids looking for her forever home beside her 40yr old mam, while her useless cnut of a partner whiles away the day going from bookie to local, and those provided to Marion on her 2 1/2 day week:
Deep pile carpets, mood music with discrete LED strip lighting, wifi, heated seats and Quilted Northern paper, along with a gender appropriate toilet attendant V a glorified hole in the ground with toilet paper Aldi would be embarrassed to sell.

What Government offices have you been to Rog, those in Japan?

I've worked in many down through the years, and can assure you, the above is fantasy.

The reality is toilets in these offices are sub standard at best. And there are always rolls of industrial bog paper, that would double up fine for sanding down the finish on your boat.

Roger Hassenforder · 23-08-2019 12:07pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

What Government offices have you been to Rog, those in Japan?

I've worked in many down through the years, and can assure you, the above is fantasy.

The reality is toilets in these offices are sub standard at best. And there are always rolls of industrial bog paper, that would double up fine for sanding down the finish on your boat.

Maybe you just werent at the appropriate grade Gerry?
I know COs to staff officers have to make do with Tesco finest double ply, but i've handed a lot of files over partition walls or under cubicle doors to senior members of the public service, to speak from experience.

gerrybbadd · 23-08-2019 12:41pm

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Maybe you just werent at the appropriate grade Gerry?
I know COs to staff officers have to make do with Tesco finest double ply, but i've handed a lot of files over partition walls or under cubicle doors to senior members of the public service, to speak from experience.

I'm at the appropriate grade, don't worry about that.

I'm calling you on your shenanigans now big Rodge.

Roger Hassenforder · 23-08-2019 1:00pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm at the appropriate grade, don't worry about that.

I'm calling you on your shenanigans now big Rodge.

Ive been reflecting on your last post Gerry.

The only logical explanation i can wrap my head around is you're actually a Con, with a beard, from SIPTU, seeking to discredit me, a veritable whistle blower.

Shame on you.

Hector Savage · 23-08-2019 1:07pm

I worked for an Post years ago, the IT division.
The bogs weren't great - not terrible either.

JohnnyFlash · 23-08-2019 1:11pm

Gents, you are doing nothing to get rid of the stereotype that most public servants sit around all day talking shïte.

Roger Hassenforder · 23-08-2019 1:16pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Gents, you are doing nothing to get rid of the stereotype that most public servants sit around all day talking shïte.

Best work is done around the toilets; the Good Friday agreement was reached by refusing to accede to a British request for a "comfort break"

Brendan Bendar · 23-08-2019 4:07pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Set of some German scat film ?

edit - but obviously no accident, what is it with some people, grudges ? or would they just do that as fast on some strangers bog.
Bizarree really...

Quick...quick.. Helga, take a dump in the sink..

Gunther’s got string...

JohnnyFlash · 23-08-2019 4:18pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Quick...quick.. Helga, take a dump in the sink..

Gunther’s got string...

That the sort of ‘avant garde cinema’ you are into, Brendan?

Brendan Bendar · 23-08-2019 4:23pm

‘Big Batons in Leipzig ‘ is one of my favs, starring Gunther Schaaaftt, and Rosie Two-Mouths.

Over 18s and flashing images.

gerrybbadd · 23-08-2019 5:02pm

Just back after a leisurely Round 2.

Zbigniew had both traps upstairs cordoned off, thing he may have been mopping, so I had to seek alternative shelter. Headed for the traps downstairs, which i've always found a little "odd" for some reason, can't quite put my finger on it.

Anyhow, I was just after tipping off a portal dolmen megalith, when in lands Zuzannya. She halted on her step, took not one, but two quite large "sniffs", and more or less went about her business, humming The 7th Element by Vitas.

She either had a bit of a head cold, or she was digging what I was cooking in there. If it was "Diggage" she was experiencing, i'm not sure why. I'm going through a bit of a "curry" phase at the minute, which seen me have a Thai Green curry for lunch yesterday, followed by a Japanese "Golden" curry (extra hot) for dinner, and another delicacy, curry cheese chips from Supermacs today for lunch.

She sounded delighted with herself anyhow, even attempted a few subdued tongue phonetics when humming along to Vitas

Andreas77 · 23-08-2019 5:15pm

Ex-wife was fastidious bathroom cleaner. As partners we shared twice-weekly rota leaving no surface unscrubbed for more than four days. All grouting in the shower was cleaned with a dedicated toothbrush and "winning" liquid specifically developed in laboratory for grouting. Exterior of toilet was cleaned with blue j-cloth. Rim and underside of seat was cleaned with red j-cloth, which would be disposed of after three uses (five uses for blue). Interior of toilet we used sponge and disinfectant. Unsightly, almost-permanent brown stain from previous tenant was eventually removed with elbow grease. This women would do anything I asked. I would hoist pinafore above waist and bend her over bathroom sink, toilet, or she would clutch at shower curtain and moan like a little girl as I entered from behind with penis.

gerrybbadd · 23-08-2019 5:21pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Ex-wife was fastidious bathroom cleaner. As partners we shared twice-weekly rota leaving no surface unscrubbed for more than four days. All grouting in the shower was cleaned with a dedicated toothbrush and "winning" liquid specifically developed in laboratory for grouting. Exterior of toilet was cleaned with blue j-cloth. Rim and underside of seat was cleaned with red j-cloth, which would be disposed of after three uses (five uses for blue). Interior of toilet we used sponge and disinfectant. Unsightly, almost-permanent brown stain from previous tenant was eventually removed with elbow grease. This women would do anything I asked. I would hoist pinafore above waist and bend her over bathroom sink, toilet, or she would clutch at shower curtain and moan like a little girl as I entered from behind with penis.

Well... that took a ...... turn?

partyguinness · 23-08-2019 5:33pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

as I entered from behind with penis.

Well it's good to clear that up lest we were thinking of the toilet brush.

Sharp MZ700 · 23-08-2019 6:12pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Well it's good to clear that up lest we were thinking of the toilet brush.

You've seen that WhatsApp too haven't you? Simply Simply Lovely.

Bullocks · 23-08-2019 6:31pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

partyguinness wrote: »

Well it's good to clear that up lest we were thinking of the toilet brush.

You've seen that WhatsApp too haven't you? Simply Simply Lovely.

With a penis no less!!

Roger Hassenforder · 23-08-2019 7:17pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Ex-wife was fastidious bathroom cleaner. As partners we shared twice-weekly rota leaving no surface unscrubbed for more than four days. All grouting in the shower was cleaned with a dedicated toothbrush and "winning" liquid specifically developed in laboratory for grouting. Exterior of toilet was cleaned with blue j-cloth. Rim and underside of seat was cleaned with red j-cloth, which would be disposed of after three uses (five uses for blue). Interior of toilet we used sponge and disinfectant. Unsightly, almost-permanent brown stain from previous tenant was eventually removed with elbow grease. This women would do anything I asked. I would hoist pinafore above waist and bend her over bathroom sink, toilet, or she would clutch at shower curtain and moan like a little girl as I entered from behind with penis.

Thats the worst image of this thread.
And thats saying something

EmmetSpiceland · 23-08-2019 7:32pm

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Thats the worst image of this thread.

And yet...

Brendan Bendar · 24-08-2019 6:44pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Ex-wife was fastidious bathroom cleaner. As partners we shared twice-weekly rota leaving no surface unscrubbed for more than four days. All grouting in the shower was cleaned with a dedicated toothbrush and "winning" liquid specifically developed in laboratory for grouting. Exterior of toilet was cleaned with blue j-cloth. Rim and underside of seat was cleaned with red j-cloth, which would be disposed of after three uses (five uses for blue). Interior of toilet we used sponge and disinfectant. Unsightly, almost-permanent brown stain from previous tenant was eventually removed with elbow grease. This women would do anything I asked. I would hoist pinafore above waist and bend her over bathroom sink, toilet, or she would clutch at shower curtain and moan like a little girl as I entered from behind with penis.

You filthy kernt.

Even Fr. Seamus Donnellan wouldn’t do that.

Didn’t even lube up before rodding out the pipes.

Disgusting behaviour.

Andreas77 · 24-08-2019 9:36pm

Ex-wife would get wet at click of fingers. Literally I would click fingers and she would be as wet as a bundle of wetwipes. I will message her now through whatsapp.

Brendan Bendar · 24-08-2019 10:19pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Ex-wife would get wet at click of fingers. Literally I would click fingers and she would be as wet as a bundle of wetwipes. I will message her now through whatsapp.

Wet as an otters pocket eh?

Take your filthy fingers away with you, and clear off.

This is a respectable thread.

Andreas77 · 24-08-2019 10:24pm

This is not the place to talk about sex Brendan.

Hector Savage · 26-08-2019 9:43am

This thread has once again taken a "turn" ....

Slideways · 26-08-2019 9:46am

I want to ask the pertinent question here.

I always buy quilted big roll but still fold at least twice before clean up begins. Is this a SOP amongst folk here. I’m told some people are scrunchers, it would seem to be very wasteful as there’s no option to fold and re-wipe?

Hector Savage · 26-08-2019 9:48am

i never understood scrunching - ****ing manky.
Always fold, I see this as a no brainer.

Utter Consternation · 26-08-2019 10:13am

Slideways wrote: »

I want to ask the pertinent question here.

I always buy quilted big roll but still fold at least twice before clean up begins. Is this a SOP amongst folk here. I’m told some people are scrunchers, it would seem to be very wasteful as there’s no option to fold and re-wipe?

What type of animal scrunches?? You're not fcuking polishing cutlery!

JohnnyFlash · 26-08-2019 10:14am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

What type of animal scrunches?? You're not fcuking polishing cutlery!

The cûnt is away with the fùcking fairies, UC.

Slideways · 26-08-2019 10:19am

Hey!

I’m not the one who does this. It was from anecdotal chat over a mug of tea at work that it came up.

https://foldorscrunch.wordpress.com/folding-vs-scrunching/

Andreas77 · 26-08-2019 10:29am

Typically I unwind between six and eight pieces of medium quilted toilet paper from my dual -roll dispenser. I pinch the tissue paper together between my thumb and index fingers so that the paper resembles an in bloom wild rose pre-dabbing. I scrap away at and massage the anus mouth, with the each of upturned flat edges, folded ribbons and incongruous troughs and ridges helping to leverage and unlodge crumbs or faecal nuggets that may have gotten trapped beneath any folds of skin or on the circumference of the anus rim, or those nasty pieces of gristle that hide inside that first centimeter of inner tubing.

A folded sheet of paper is less likely to capture all necessary debris, and involves the strong likelihood of smearing the muck around rather than abrading the poo from the surface area

Roger Hassenforder · 26-08-2019 10:53am

Andreas77 wrote: »

Typically I unwind between six and eight pieces of medium quilted toilet paper from my dual -roll dispenser. I pinch the tissue paper together between my thumb and index fingers so that the paper resembles an in bloom wild rose pre-dabbing. I scrap away at and massage the anus mouth, with the each of upturned flat edges, folded ribbons and incongruous troughs and ridges helping to leverage and unlodge crumbs or faecal nuggets that may have gotten trapped beneath any folds of skin or on the circumference of the anus rim, or those nasty pieces of gristle that hide inside that first centimeter of inner tubing.

A folded sheet of paper is less likely to capture all necessary debris, and involves the strong likelihood of smearing the muck around rather than abrading the poo from the surface area

With all this digital dexterity, your wife must be up to her ankles in a puddle?

EmmetSpiceland · 26-08-2019 10:53am

“Scrunching” is what children do before they have the dexterity to fold and wipe.

gerrybbadd · 26-08-2019 11:04am

There's merit to both methods.

Generally, I fold, putting one fold across the index finger, and wipe across the length of the button.

However, sometimes, if I feel that there has been some serious collateral spreadage across the "area" following a particularly messy passage, then I will first scrunch, to remove debris from the blast site, before deploying my original folding method

Deebles McBeebles · 26-08-2019 11:06am

I see scrunching in the same light as that guy who shat in his own hand.

Wrong but somehow hilarious.

Andreas77 · 26-08-2019 11:16am

Morning and early afternoon were spent in a Skoda car dealership outside Dusseldorf. I was arguing with salesman to allow me use of new car to drive home to collect Mazda for trade in at Mazda dealership. I got call on mobile from childhood friend, a buddy who I would drink a glass of lager with each week after close of business hours. In these days, outside of heads of state, mafia hitman, or big buck showman, it was rare to have mobile phone for personal use and I remember clear as day standing with back to Skoda Dealership, facing out onto ring road, and beyond, the motorway, about to buy three year old car and thinking life was pretty darn good for me. Call from childhood friend was to report that he had spotted ex-wife leaving kindergarten (she was teacher) on morning break with other teacher, hand in hand, poised for a kiss. Of course she had been having intercourse with this guy for six months. One thing that always perturbs me is where she got so much energy from as I would stretch her out every single day, often twice, without fail. I would pump her in bathroom on regular basis, on floor of bedroom, and I give her cunninlingus as she sat legs straddled on top of old fashioned television set. We had full trunk of sex toys, vibrators, dildos, double edge dildos, handcuffs, enema tools, and dirty videos.

Roger Hassenforder · 26-08-2019 11:17am

TBF, while i prefer the folded pad method, in public toilets where the bum fodder is dispensed in single sheets, scrunching really is the only option.

Very unsatisfactory though, and inevitably there'll be a feeling you've got some shït on your hand.

Utter Consternation · 26-08-2019 11:44am

Andreas77 wrote: »

Morning and early afternoon were spent in a Skoda car dealership outside Dusseldorf. I was arguing with salesman to allow me use of new car to drive home to collect Mazda for trade in at Mazda dealership. I got call on mobile from childhood friend, a buddy who I would drink a glass of lager with each week after close of business hours. In these days, outside of heads of state, mafia hitman, or big buck showman, it was rare to have mobile phone for personal use and I remember clear as day standing with back to Skoda Dealership, facing out onto ring road, and beyond, the motorway, about to buy three year old car and thinking life was pretty darn good for me. Call from childhood friend was to report that he had spotted ex-wife leaving kindergarten (she was teacher) on morning break with other teacher, hand in hand, poised for a kiss. Of course she had been having intercourse with this guy for six months. One thing that always perturbs me is where she got so much energy from as I would stretch her out every single day, often twice, without fail. I would pump her in bathroom on regular basis, on floor of bedroom, and I give her cunninlingus as she sat legs straddled on top of old fashioned television set. We had full trunk of sex toys, vibrators, dildos, double edge dildos, handcuffs, enema tools, and dirty videos.

Andreas, did you have a mullet and wear white sports socks when you were pumping the sh1te out of the ex?

What's the etiquette here??

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