The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 23-11-2017 11:21pm

As a postman, with Christmas only a month away, I'd like to ask you all to help us make sure that we save time by clearly marking your envelopes:

CONTAINS MONEY

the_pen_turner · 24-11-2017 8:52pm

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

Capt'n Midnight · 24-11-2017 9:03pm

If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man then go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-11-2017 9:07pm

I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.

I'd been chatting to this woman for a little while and we were getting on OK, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, just because of the type of car I live in!

Comer1 · 24-11-2017 10:23pm

the_pen_turner wrote: »

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

That's far more disturbing than it is funny

TheBody · 24-11-2017 10:42pm

Dead canary for sale.

Not going cheap.

Pero_Bueno · 25-11-2017 12:31am

This guy goes to a brothel and tells the madam he likes fat girls, so she takes him to one room and
introduces him to a portly young lady , but he tells her he likes them fatter !
So in to the next room and there is an American style fat girl and still he wants one even bigger!
So the madam takes him to a real special girl that is just huge, he sees her and says Perfect, this
is exactly what I'm looking for !!
So he pays and they are in the room f*cking , and he asks her to turn off the light - and she asks:
"Why are you one of these kinky people that only has sex in the dark ?"

"No" he answers, "The lightbulb is burning my arse!"

25-11-2017 12:21pm

This did the the rounds on social media in video format

Neighbour leaning over his fence watching little girl dig two foot hole in the garden: What you doing?

Little Girl: I'm burying my goldfish - he's dead.

Neighbour: That's so sad, but why do you need to dig a two foot hole for your goldfish?

Little Girl: Because he's inside your fck'in cat.

MonkieSocks · 25-11-2017 6:44pm

Bloody Amazon Black Friday! :mad:

Ordered Four Kindles and they've sent me a "Best of Two Ronnie's" DVD.

26-11-2017 11:43pm

Apparently, a man in Liverpool, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the pub, decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a 5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.
It almost defies belief. I mean, how drunk would you have to be to get kicked out of a pub in Liverpool!..

Capt'n Midnight · 28-11-2017 12:15am

Breaking News - Prince Harry about to announce his engagement to Germanys Prime Minister.

Ipso · 28-11-2017 12:41am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Breaking News - Prince Harry about to announce his engagement to Germanys Prime Minister.

Don't mention the war.

byrner88 · 28-11-2017 1:06am

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

GBX · 28-11-2017 7:56pm

Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a fück, he's still going!

byrner88 · 29-11-2017 1:20am

I called The AA this morning and said, "I've broken down on the M50.

"Sorry sir," she replied, "We only help alcoholics."

"That's handy," I said, "How soon can you get here?"

emeldc · 29-11-2017 11:05am

Not really a joke but a true story. I worked for Joe Duffy motors M50 a good few years back in the service dept. A woman rang one day and launched into a tirade about her anti social neighbours blah, blah, blah. I had to interrupt and inform her that she had the wrong Joe Duffy

GBX · 29-11-2017 11:08am

everlast75 · 29-11-2017 11:11am

I read an Elton John joke this morning.

It's a little bit funny...

Paddy Cow · 29-11-2017 12:39pm

the_pen_turner wrote: »

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

That reads like a plot from a Saw movie....."wanna play a game?".

TheChevron · 29-11-2017 12:46pm

the_pen_turner wrote: »

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

Well, are you still with your wife?

blade1 · 29-11-2017 1:48pm

TheChevron wrote: »

Well, are you still with your wife?

Ahem :pac:

byrner88 · 29-11-2017 9:38pm

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

MonkieSocks · 30-11-2017 5:11pm

byrner88 wrote: »

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

Ya could do a song for that :P Twelve days of Prison.
♫......♫
On My First day In Prison,

My Cellmate Said To me,

You Barstood Bleedin Pikey.

TheChevron · 01-12-2017 3:36pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Ya could do a song for that :P Twelve days of Prison.
♫......♫
On My First day In Prison,
My Cellmate Said To me,
You Barstood Bleedin Pikey.

On My second day In Prison,

My Cellmate Said To me,

Here's where you stick your will-eeee

(‿ˠ‿)

01-12-2017 7:08pm

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his arse. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his trousers, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his arse cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of plasters and began putting a plaster as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty plasters box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Paddy said, "Why are you talking bollocks?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those plasters stuck on the hall mirror.

TheBody · 01-12-2017 7:58pm

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas Period only.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 01-12-2017 8:03pm

An American tourist met a Kerry farmer walking down the street carrying two pigs under his arms. The American tourist asks the farmer can i take a photo. The farmer said no problem. When the American showed him the photo the farmer said that's me in the middle.

Loafing Oaf · 01-12-2017 8:54pm

Not a joke as such, but a classic line from the fill in the headline round on HIGNFY. The headline read BLANK Emerges From The Shadows. Quick as a flash Merton comes in with "Hank Marvin. He's doing a solo tour.":D

emeldc · 02-12-2017 12:42pm

Three mafia wise guys in a bar, one of them says, 'so what did you buy your wife for Christmas'.
First guy says, 'I bought my wife a Ferrari and a Mercedes. If she doesn't like the Ferrari she can use the Mercedes.
Second guy says, 'I bought my wife a condo in Miami and an apartment in New York. If she doesn't like the condo in Miami she can use the apartment in New York.
The third guy says, 'I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fcuk herself.

(courtesy of The Sopranos)

DEFTLEFTHAND · 02-12-2017 2:14pm

<snip>

Mod note:No, absolutely not!

Buford T. Justice.

dxhound2005 · 02-12-2017 11:24pm

buck65 wrote: »

What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

American to tour guide on Antarctic cruise: What's the difference between the black penguins and the white penguins?

Tour guide: The white penguins are walking towards you.

Ken. · 03-12-2017 6:11pm

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

dxhound2005 · 03-12-2017 7:02pm

Good deed done.

This morning at the Tesco checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to €56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under €50. I thought she was probably someone’s Granny and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Granny out when she was alive.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her groceries back on the shelves.

thedeere · 03-12-2017 11:08pm

Conspectus wrote: »

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

This one needs to do a stop on the auld copy and paste.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2017 7:51pm

A brawl broke out in a pub in Kerry. Bottles, glasses and people were flying through the air and Mc Ginty got a bottle in the face and his nose fell of. Cassidy said to Mc Carty pick his nose up and stick it back on and we will rush him to hospital before It's too late and he looses too much blood. When they go outside It's lashing rain but they leg it to the hospital. The doctors rush Mc Ginty down to theatre. A couple of hours later the doctor tells Cassidy and Mc Carty that Mc Ginty was a gonner. Cassidy asks was it through loss of blood and the doctor replied no he drowned you stuck his nose on upside down.

GBX · 04-12-2017 8:56pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck. "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too, "Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

Hoboo · 05-12-2017 5:38pm

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc.

So anyway they have great craic and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend, donkey is all up for it but he starts panicking thinking how he’s gonna impress this champion horse, he gets a brain wave and goes the zoo and takes a pic of a zebra.

So the weekend comes and the horse comes round to the donkeys, he walks in and there’s this massive picture of a zebra on the wall, ****ing huge taking up a whole wall, “what’s that” say the horse “ah it’s nothing” says the donkey “no tell me I wanna know” says the horse......... “ah I used to play for juventus” says the donkey

05-12-2017 7:20pm

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be"Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.

Be honest and don't look at the film list till you have done the maths!

Try this test and find out which film is your favourite.
This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most

Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Film Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below.

Film List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with a Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Now, ain't that something.....?

MonkieSocks · 05-12-2017 7:30pm

Wartime Britain and two German paratroopers land in England.

Fritz: Vott are Vee going to do, how will vee blind in?

Herman: Vee do just like das Englanders do, vee go to the pub, und act casual.

Fritz: Vot vill ve order, Ve dont know any englander drinks.

Herman: Leave zatt to me,,,,,,, I am ze expert.

They go in the Dog and Duck and walk up to the bar.

Herman: Two Martinis please landlord.

Landlord: Dry?

Herman: Nein, Zwei.

Fritz: Shista

Hoboo · 05-12-2017 7:37pm

An Anglo banker arrives into his new cell in prison, to be met by the biggest African guy he'd ever seen in his life sitting in the corner. "Hello"...the banker said sheepishly.

"Welcome to your new home", said the big fella as he closed over the cell door, "today we will play a game. Its called Mummies and Daddies. I will let you pick. What do you want to be, Mummy, or Daddy". The banker being the clever fella, and not wanting to be on the receiving end replied "Ill be Daddy".

"Ok, says the African guy......get over here and suck mummies c**k".

dxhound2005 · 05-12-2017 8:40pm

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... God only knows what she was talking about!

MonkieSocks · 06-12-2017 4:18pm

I got my own back on the wife for Christmas shopping.

I took her into 8 different pubs without having a drink, then went back into the 1st one and bought a pint.

K.Flyer · 07-12-2017 11:30am

A woman was arrested for shop lifting and found herself in court facing the judge who asked her what she had stolen.
"A can of peaches", she replied.
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
"How many peaches are in a can?" the judge asked.
"There are six peaches" the woman replied.
"In that case you will serve six days in jail" said the judge.
Before the judge formaly pronounced the sentencing the womans husband stood up and and asked the judge if he could say a few words on his wife's behalf.
The judge allowed him the time to say what he wanted to say.
"Your honour, I think it's only fair that you should know, that she also stole a large tin of peas"

7 Seconds... · 07-12-2017 6:32pm

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’

New Home · 10-12-2017 12:27pm

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

NollagShona · 11-12-2017 9:05am

I was stopped in the street by lady doing a survey.
She asked me what products I use for grooming.
Apparently, Facebook wasn't the answer she was expecting....

GBX · 11-12-2017 3:36pm

A Vicar gets on a train. In his carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies.

To break the ice, the vicar offers round his Bag of "Werther's Originals" and then asks, "So, what do all you young Ladies do"..???

"We do Christmas Panto. We're currently starring in "Dick Whittington!" reply the girls.

"That's fabulous. Which parts do you take"..?? says the Vicar.

The First Lady says, "I take the part of the Cat."

The Second Lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons."

"Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick"..???

"Well, I Do ... " says the Third Girl, " ...

but it'll cost you a lot more than a fückin' "Werther's Original".

yeppydeppy · 11-12-2017 5:01pm

Hoboo wrote: »

An Anglo banker arrives into his new cell in prison, to be met by the biggest African guy he'd ever seen in his life sitting in the corner. "Hello"...the banker said sheepishly.

"Welcome to your new home", said the big fella as he closed over the cell door, "today we will play a game. Its called Mummies and Daddies. I will let you pick. What do you want to be, Mummy, or Daddy". The banker being the clever fella, and not wanting to be on the receiving end replied "Ill be Daddy".

"Ok, says the African guy......get over here and suck mummies c**k".~

FYP, that's laughable as it is.

Sac O Spuds · 11-12-2017 8:44pm

A vampire bat comes flapping into its cave covered in fresh blood. All the other bats smell the blood and start hassling him about were he got it.
"Ok follow me" he says and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats in pursuit. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest. Finally he slows down and all the bats start to mill around him filled with excitement.
"Now do you see that tree over there?" he asks.
"Yes yes yes" they scream.
"Good" says he "Because I didnt."

the_pen_turner · 12-12-2017 4:52pm

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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