The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

gitzy16v

Who are Beyonce's favorite Emmerdale characters?
All the Dingle ladies.

M.T. Cranium

Hitler, Mussolini and Admiral Tojo of Japan were meeting to plan out how they would take over the world.

Hitler said, "I'll take care of the Soviet Union."

Tojo said, "we'll take care of the United States."

There was a moment of silence, then Hitler said, "so Benito, what will you do?"

"Oh, I imagine I'll just hang around."

Suckit

I asked the Baker "How come all of your cakes are 50c except for that one for €1?"

He replied "That's Madeira cake."

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...
It only made it more sluggish

7 Seconds...

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

7 Seconds...

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

7 Seconds...

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Oh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing up alone..."

beefburrito

What does a pelican,heron and ostrich have in common with the revenue ?

They can all stick their bills up their arse......

byrner88

Me and our lass walked past a swanky new restaurant in town last night.
"did you smell that food,it smelt incredible" she said.
Being the nice guy that I am,I thought, **** it I'll treat her... So we walked past it again!!!

the_pen_turner

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning. He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

chewed

A courier asked me for the time.

I told him it was some time between 9am and 8pm.

On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman.
"The trouble with you Brit’s is that you’re stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that? ”
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother".

the_pen_turner

A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbours for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.
Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next morning. They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down." Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.
Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.
As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down."
"Down," the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down," the man asked.
"Up," the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said "fcuk or Drown!'"

Capt'n Midnight

If you should ever want to know your Dolphin name, just lick your finger then rub a balloon

Riddle101

An elderly man tells his grandson "your generation relies too much on technology" the grandson replied "not as much as yours" as he unplugged his grandfather's life support.

TheBody

I just lost a €10 bet at my local because I couldn't think of a palindrome.

Dammit Im mad.

Capt'n Midnight

The Goal: Reduce UK binge drinking by half.

The Plan: Scottish independence

Capt'n Midnight

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless.

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

MonkieSocks

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless.

Would you throw you're hat in the ring with him?

flutered

>
> A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
>
> "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
>
> The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts."
>
> The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"
>
> "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
>
>
Reply Reply to All Forward More
Click to Reply, Reply all or Forward

Try the new Yahoo Mail

flutered

flutered wrote: »

forgive me if this has been posted before
file:///C:/Users/repair/Desktop/C-0mSOwW0AA38Rs%20for%20bill.jpg

We don't have remote access to your PC.... :P

blueser

flutered wrote: »

forgive me if this has been posted before
file:///C:/Users/repair/Desktop/C-0mSOwW0AA38Rs%20for%20bill.jpg

branie2

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before

flutered

not politically correct, pleas remove if it causes offence



Muslim Bookstore

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the evil eye, but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”

I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

flutered

blueser wrote: »

thought i had it deleated

flutered

Deleted User wrote: »

We don't have remote access to your PC.... :P

thank fkuc for that

flutered

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?


"Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.


The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband -

"I love you, Sweetheart"


Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are 12 hilarious replies...


If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the hell is this?


2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?


3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?


4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?


5. I don't understand what you mean?


6. What the hell did you do now?


7. Are you having an affair?


8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?


9. Am I dreaming?


10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.


11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.


12. Your mother is coming to stay with us...isn't she?

flutered

flutered wrote: »

thank fkuc for that

well.... didn't have :pac:

branie2

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

If it walked, it would be mugged

Capt'n Midnight

My son and I were having a kickabout at the park.

I accidentally tripped him and he fell to the ground clutching his knee, crying and wailing like a little girl.

Anyway, a Liverpool scout saw the whole thing and signed him on the spot.