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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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dxhound2005

buck65 wrote: »

What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.

American to tour guide on Antarctic cruise: What's the difference between the black penguins and the white penguins?

Tour guide: The white penguins are walking towards you.

Ken.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

dxhound2005

Good deed done.

This morning at the Tesco checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to €56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under €50. I thought she was probably someone’s Granny and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Granny out when she was alive.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her groceries back on the shelves.

thedeere

Conspectus wrote: »

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

This one needs to do a stop on the auld copy and paste.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A brawl broke out in a pub in Kerry. Bottles, glasses and people were flying through the air and Mc Ginty got a bottle in the face and his nose fell of. Cassidy said to Mc Carty pick his nose up and stick it back on and we will rush him to hospital before It's too late and he looses too much blood. When they go outside It's lashing rain but they leg it to the hospital. The doctors rush Mc Ginty down to theatre. A couple of hours later the doctor tells Cassidy and Mc Carty that Mc Ginty was a gonner. Cassidy asks was it through loss of blood and the doctor replied no he drowned you stuck his nose on upside down.

GBX

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck. "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too, "Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

Hoboo

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc.

So anyway they have great craic and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend, donkey is all up for it but he starts panicking thinking how he’s gonna impress this champion horse, he gets a brain wave and goes the zoo and takes a pic of a zebra.

So the weekend comes and the horse comes round to the donkeys, he walks in and there’s this massive picture of a zebra on the wall, ****ing huge taking up a whole wall, “what’s that” say the horse “ah it’s nothing” says the donkey “no tell me I wanna know” says the horse......... “ah I used to play for juventus” says the donkey

[Deleted User]

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be"Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.

Be honest and don't look at the film list till you have done the maths!

Try this test and find out which film is your favourite.
This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most

Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Film Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below.

Film List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with a Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Now, ain't that something.....?

MonkieSocks

Wartime Britain and two German paratroopers land in England.

Fritz: Vott are Vee going to do, how will vee blind in?

Herman: Vee do just like das Englanders do, vee go to the pub, und act casual.

Fritz: Vot vill ve order, Ve dont know any englander drinks.

Herman: Leave zatt to me,,,,,,, I am ze expert.

They go in the Dog and Duck and walk up to the bar.

Herman: Two Martinis please landlord.

Landlord: Dry?

Herman: Nein, Zwei.

Fritz: Shista

Hoboo

An Anglo banker arrives into his new cell in prison, to be met by the biggest African guy he'd ever seen in his life sitting in the corner. "Hello"...the banker said sheepishly.

"Welcome to your new home", said the big fella as he closed over the cell door, "today we will play a game. Its called Mummies and Daddies. I will let you pick. What do you want to be, Mummy, or Daddy". The banker being the clever fella, and not wanting to be on the receiving end replied "Ill be Daddy".

"Ok, says the African guy......get over here and suck mummies c**k".

dxhound2005

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... God only knows what she was talking about!

MonkieSocks

I got my own back on the wife for Christmas shopping.

I took her into 8 different pubs without having a drink, then went back into the 1st one and bought a pint.

K.Flyer

A woman was arrested for shop lifting and found herself in court facing the judge who asked her what she had stolen.
"A can of peaches", she replied.
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
"How many peaches are in a can?" the judge asked.
"There are six peaches" the woman replied.
"In that case you will serve six days in jail" said the judge.
Before the judge formaly pronounced the sentencing the womans husband stood up and and asked the judge if he could say a few words on his wife's behalf.
The judge allowed him the time to say what he wanted to say.
"Your honour, I think it's only fair that you should know, that she also stole a large tin of peas"

7 Seconds...

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’

New Home

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

NollagShona

I was stopped in the street by lady doing a survey.
She asked me what products I use for grooming.
Apparently, Facebook wasn't the answer she was expecting....

GBX

A Vicar gets on a train. In his carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies.

To break the ice, the vicar offers round his Bag of "Werther's Originals" and then asks, "So, what do all you young Ladies do"..???

"We do Christmas Panto. We're currently starring in "Dick Whittington!" reply the girls.

"That's fabulous. Which parts do you take"..?? says the Vicar.

The First Lady says, "I take the part of the Cat."

The Second Lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons."

"Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick"..???

"Well, I Do ... " says the Third Girl, " ...

but it'll cost you a lot more than a fückin' "Werther's Original".

yeppydeppy

Hoboo wrote: »

An Anglo banker arrives into his new cell in prison, to be met by the biggest African guy he'd ever seen in his life sitting in the corner. "Hello"...the banker said sheepishly.

"Welcome to your new home", said the big fella as he closed over the cell door, "today we will play a game. Its called Mummies and Daddies. I will let you pick. What do you want to be, Mummy, or Daddy". The banker being the clever fella, and not wanting to be on the receiving end replied "Ill be Daddy".

"Ok, says the African guy......get over here and suck mummies c**k".~

FYP, that's laughable as it is.

Sac O Spuds

A vampire bat comes flapping into its cave covered in fresh blood. All the other bats smell the blood and start hassling him about were he got it.
"Ok follow me" he says and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats in pursuit. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest. Finally he slows down and all the bats start to mill around him filled with excitement.
"Now do you see that tree over there?" he asks.
"Yes yes yes" they scream.
"Good" says he "Because I didnt."

the_pen_turner

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"

GMSA

3 old women are sitting on a park bench when a man jumps out and flashes at them. 2 of the women immediately have a stroke. The other old dear couldn't quite reach.

MonkieSocks

A Priest says to his friend, the Rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.

Come 2am, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.

' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The Rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.

Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

byrner88

My missus crashed her car into some guy last night. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time.

The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory!!!

chewed

TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards,
Alan"

NEIGHBOUR’S RESPONSE
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

SECOND MESSAGE
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?
Regards,
Alan"

[Deleted User]

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“James,” the new seaman answered.
“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”
“Now,what’s your last name?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”
“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

byrner88

I hate strip clubs.
I can't touch her, she won't touch me, I can't touch myself,
& she gets all my cash.
It's like being home with the wife!

byrner88

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ****ing fingers to the bone to buy all the presents my kids ask for, and what happens Christmas morning?
That fat ****er with the beard gets all of the credit for it....Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her!!

New Home

What’s a good Christmas tip? Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.

branie2

What goes Ho! Ho! Ho! plop?
Santa Claus laughing his head off.

MonkieSocks

I awoke for a leak in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,”

I said. “That barsturd next door has still got my fookin shovel