The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

2 men are out playing golf early one sunday morning, and they find a dead naked girl in the bushes while looking for a golf ball,
so they phone the police.

30mins later the police arrive. The men point to the bushes and say "Shes in there"

The police go into the bushes to inspect the area, and on their return, one of them asks "How did you find the body?"

One of the men replies "Her tits were a bit saggy, but the rigamortis has tightened her ass up good"





*gets coat

A man goes to his doctor and says:
"Doctor, I'm convinced the missus is trying to poison me"

Doctor says:
"What? How did you get that idea?"

Man replies:
"I dunno, I just have a bad feeling, and am afraid to eat anything at home. I'm really just here looking for your advice"

Doctor says:
"Let me call your wife in for her annual check up. I'll speak to her, and see if she shows any sign of abnormal behaviour.
Just relax and I'll call you in a day or two"

Man leaves, and a few days later the Doctor calls him in work, and says:
"Hello, I had your wife in here this morning, and we had a very long conversation. In fact, I spoke with her for over two and a half hours"

Man says:
"Really? What's your advice?"

Doctor says:
"Take the Poison"

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of
Draught Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over
His money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman.
"And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8.
We have the cheapest beer in Ireland "
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 Euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro. -
You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"Oh, wait, I think you may to be too big for that seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this
Frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in
He complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00
For your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"Ah, I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman.
"And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
The counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, so you want to use the counter as well," says the barman, "that will
Be 2 Euro please."
O'Leary's face was now red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"Well I've had enough; what sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink
And you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10
Every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free,
Until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second".
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

Someone sent me this

agnb ....................... if you ask me it's bang out of order.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact
is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in
Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you anew willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap…it's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to
decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before,
and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But
if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a
five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that
she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

So the man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then tripped over the microphone and yelled "**** me"......What happened next will haunt me forever

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."
"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.
I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

Mr.Plough wrote: »

In a car, one dylexic asks another, "can you smell petrol?"

Other replies, "I can't even smell my own name"

Were they hard of hearing too??

The thread title is best joke you ever heard... Is that torres joke really the best joke someone's ever heard?

Wife says to husband "Darling, Id love to have a huge pair of tits".

Husband looks at her and says, "thats easy, just get a piece of toilet roll and rub it between them once a day".

"DO you think that would really work?" she asks.

"Why not, says he, "It worked on your ass"!