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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE · 2017-06-15 16:09:42

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position. What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost. Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits. Original thread here

Comments

#3502 09-03-2020 8:23pm

coolhull

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A Galway woman, driving along at speed, passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge'.......

0
#3503 09-03-2020 9:26pm

Ladybird18

Closed Accounts Posts: 155 ✭✭

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Speaking of real life experiences.
Overheard going through airport security:
Security: Remove your belt
Man: Are my shoes ok?
Security: Well I wouldnt wear them

0
#3504 10-03-2020 12:52am

joeguevara

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Ladybird18 wrote: »

Speaking of real life experiences.
Overheard going through airport security:
Security: Remove your belt
Man: Are my shoes ok?
Security: Well I wouldnt wear them

Cracker.

Don’t know why but reminded me of ‘queuing up at an atm machine and an old lady asked me for help tocheck her balance, so I pushed her over.’

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#3505 10-03-2020 12:53am

joeguevara

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Gonnorhea would have been the perfect name for diarrhoea medicine.

0
#3506 11-03-2020 11:21pm

The Princess Bride

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I've just found out that I've lost my job as an engineer in the local nuclear power station.
I don't know how to react.

0
#3507 11-03-2020 11:26pm

branie2

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Posts: 10188

A man walked into a clothes shop and said to the assistant, "Would you mind taking that yellow tie with the green spots out of the window for me, please?"
"Certainly sir", replied the assistant.
"Thanks very much. The horrible thing bothers me every time I pass."

0
#3508 12-03-2020 8:22am

everlast75

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Posts: 19771

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

0
#3509 12-03-2020 8:37pm

chewed

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A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O"

0
#3510 12-03-2020 9:23pm

Capt'n Midnight

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Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?

0
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#3511 12-03-2020 9:35pm

RobMc59

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The guy who invented sanitizing gel must be rubbing his hands now.

0
#3512 12-03-2020 9:37pm

RobMc59

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In my day,panic buying only happened when the bell rang and the barman shouted"last orders at the bar"!!

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#3513 12-03-2020 9:39pm

The Princess Bride

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Elvis Costello has an arrangement with his mechanic, whereby he pays for his tyres with leftover Christmas chocolates.

Last week, he got a Goodyear for the Roses.

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#3514 12-03-2020 9:42pm

RobMc59

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The Princess Bride wrote: »

Elvis Costello has an arrangement with his mechanic, whereby he pays for his tyres with leftover Christmas chocolates.

Last week, he got a Goodyear for the Roses.

And then sang"pump it up"!

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#3515 12-03-2020 11:18pm

fryup

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the mechanic also accidently scratched his car...and Elvis Costello said don't worry "accidents can happen"

0
#3516 13-03-2020 12:07am

Capt'n Midnight

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chewed wrote: »

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O"

Dear Rabbit

don't feel so bad. You should be positive.

CM

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#3517 13-03-2020 12:53am

byrner88

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In a Tesco this morning, I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.

Walking back to the toilets with my jocks and trousers around my ankles was a walk of shame I can tell you

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#3518 13-03-2020 1:24pm

patmac

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My girlfriend left me because of my awful Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But don't worry... I'll return.

0
#3519 13-03-2020 1:38pm

jaykay74

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Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local Tescos with approx 20 people involved

The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage

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#3520 13-03-2020 1:43pm

GBX

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A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.

The defendant mutters, "Fook all."

"What did you say?" asks the judge.

The court clerk turns to the judge and says,

"The defendant said, "fook all", your honour."

"Really?" replies the judge,

"I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

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#3521 13-03-2020 3:35pm

seagull

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Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?

I give you the last two lines of this

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#3522 13-03-2020 7:39pm

iamstop

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Since everyone is panic buying loo roll. I'm gonna make and sell jacks roll with jokes written on it.

For sh1ts and giggles.

https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7

0
#3523 14-03-2020 2:18am

byrner88

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During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:

"Maybe that's where the ****ing remote is."

0
#3524 14-03-2020 2:57pm

Capt'n Midnight

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Lidl management today said that because of the panic buying and pandemonium in their stores that they are taking drastic action and opening another till.

1
#3525 14-03-2020 7:55pm

Capt'n Midnight

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This is your Ryanair pilot speaking. I'm working from home today...

0
#3526 14-03-2020 8:15pm

Ted_YNWA

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Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

This is your Ryanair pilot speaking. I'm working from home today...

Just because you are working from home, doesn't mean you can submit others work as your own.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=112823855&postcount=6571

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#3527 15-03-2020 12:01am

[Deleted User]
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What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?

One’s a corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.

0
#3528 15-03-2020 2:42am

[Deleted User]
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Since everyone has started washing their hands, the peanuts in the pubs have lost their taste.

0
#3529 16-03-2020 9:28am

GBX

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Join Date: November 2005

Posts: 11776

Last week, my next door neighbour asked me:

“Seen as our houses are the same design... Can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?”

“Thirteen” I said.

Today, he came round looking angry: “I’ve got three rolls left over!!!”

“So did I!” I said

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#3530 16-03-2020 9:30am

GBX

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When a recipe ask you to separate eggs, how far is acceptable?
I've just put one on a train to Galway..

0
#3531 16-03-2020 10:40am

patmac

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Looking to take a break from reading and watching television about the Corona virus, going to watch a movie instead. ‘Outbreak’ looks interesting anyone know what it’s about?

0
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#3532 16-03-2020 11:14am

[Deleted User]
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GBX wrote: »

When a recipe ask you to separate eggs, how far is acceptable?
I've just put one on a train to Galway..

Not far enough...

Send it to Cork! :pac:

0
#3533 16-03-2020 3:14pm

[Deleted User]
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Without offence to anyone i think the corona viris was released by a woman my reasons being:-
football stopped
F1 stopped
Bars and terraces stopped
Moto GP stopped ,
Men have to remain at home,
but the hairdressers are still open!
Explain to me please

0
#3534 16-03-2020 7:36pm

jimgoose

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And lo, I am learned that "Social Distancing" <> "Doggie Style".

0
#3535 18-03-2020 12:37am

The Princess Bride

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My German friend has told me that over there, everyone is panic buying sausage and cheese, rather than toilet roll.
It's the wurst käse scenario.

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#3536 18-03-2020 10:57pm

patmac

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Just heard a man collapsed on the London Eye.

Paramedics on site say he is slowly coming round.

0
#3537 19-03-2020 3:00pm

chips1234

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valoren wrote: »

Now that toilet roll and tissues are the new currency what do you call a tosser who runs out of both?

Wankrupt.

and between a sock and a hard place

0
#3538 19-03-2020 3:19pm

byrner88

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My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."

She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."

I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

0
#3539 19-03-2020 3:41pm

iamstop

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Did you see the Covid-19 meme?

It's gone viral.

Sorry.

https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7

0
#3540 19-03-2020 5:15pm

[Deleted User]
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iamstop wrote: »

Did you see the Covid-19 meme?

It's gone viral.

Sorry.

0
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#3541 20-03-2020 8:44pm

Capt'n Midnight

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Netflix to reduce streaming quality.

They’re gonna start showing Mrs Brown’s Boys.

0
#3542 20-03-2020 9:07pm

Capt'n Midnight

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The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of children living in bungalows since 1945.

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#3543 20-03-2020 11:17pm

fr336

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Virus relieved as it tests negative for Trump (nicked from Private Eye)

0
#3544 21-03-2020 6:50am

joeguevara

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You got to feel for Philip Schofield. He is only just come out and now is being told to stay in.

0
#3545 21-03-2020 10:54am

joeguevara

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Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.

Honestly, Simon Coveney is starting to sound like my fcuking girlfriend.

0
#3546 21-03-2020 4:09pm

joeguevara

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Just thinking of what it’s going to be like in 5 years time listening to all the Chavs telling darling Covid and Corona to stop fighting and eat their McDonalds.

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#3547 21-03-2020 5:04pm

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

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Just back from the shops. Apparently there's no problem if you just wear a mask and some gloves.

Didn't work - everyone else was wearing clothes.....

Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.

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#3548 22-03-2020 11:34am

Capt'n Midnight

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If you're worried about coronavirus,

Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.

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#3549 22-03-2020 11:53am

everlast75

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My condolences to all the mammies who this year, instead of going to the pub and getting pissed, have to spend their mothers' day with their kids

0
#3550 22-03-2020 3:20pm

GBX

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There’s not much left on the shelves so I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I tried crab paste for the very first time.

It’s revolting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund...

1
#3551 22-03-2020 6:37pm

RobMc59

Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭

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I said to the missus last night,"here,put this nurse's outfit on""Oh"she said ,"whys that?"
I said,"we need a loaf".

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