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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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RobMc59

In my day,panic buying only happened when the bell rang and the barman shouted"last orders at the bar"!!

The Princess Bride

Elvis Costello has an arrangement with his mechanic, whereby he pays for his tyres with leftover Christmas chocolates.

Last week, he got a Goodyear for the Roses.

RobMc59

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Elvis Costello has an arrangement with his mechanic, whereby he pays for his tyres with leftover Christmas chocolates.

Last week, he got a Goodyear for the Roses.

And then sang"pump it up"!

fryup

the mechanic also accidently scratched his car...and Elvis Costello said don't worry "accidents can happen"

Capt'n Midnight

chewed wrote: »

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O"

Dear Rabbit

don't feel so bad. You should be positive.

CM

byrner88

In a Tesco this morning, I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.

Walking back to the toilets with my jocks and trousers around my ankles was a walk of shame I can tell you

patmac

My girlfriend left me because of my awful Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But don't worry... I'll return.

jaykay74

Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local Tescos with approx 20 people involved

The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage

GBX

A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.

The defendant mutters, "Fook all."

"What did you say?" asks the judge.

The court clerk turns to the judge and says,

"The defendant said, "fook all", your honour."

"Really?" replies the judge,

"I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

seagull

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?

I give you the last two lines of this

iamstop

Since everyone is panic buying loo roll. I'm gonna make and sell jacks roll with jokes written on it.

For sh1ts and giggles.

byrner88

During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:

"Maybe that's where the ****ing remote is."

Capt'n Midnight

Lidl management today said that because of the panic buying and pandemonium in their stores that they are taking drastic action and opening another till.

Capt'n Midnight

This is your Ryanair pilot speaking. I'm working from home today...

Ted_YNWA

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

This is your Ryanair pilot speaking. I'm working from home today...

Just because you are working from home, doesn't mean you can submit others work as your own.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=112823855&postcount=6571

[Deleted User]

What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?

One’s a corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.

[Deleted User]

Since everyone has started washing their hands, the peanuts in the pubs have lost their taste.

GBX

Last week, my next door neighbour asked me:

“Seen as our houses are the same design... Can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?”

“Thirteen” I said.

Today, he came round looking angry: “I’ve got three rolls left over!!!”

“So did I!” I said

GBX

When a recipe ask you to separate eggs, how far is acceptable?
I've just put one on a train to Galway..

patmac

Looking to take a break from reading and watching television about the Corona virus, going to watch a movie instead. ‘Outbreak’ looks interesting anyone know what it’s about?

[Deleted User]

GBX wrote: »

When a recipe ask you to separate eggs, how far is acceptable?
I've just put one on a train to Galway..

Not far enough...

Send it to Cork! :pac:

[Deleted User]

Without offence to anyone i think the corona viris was released by a woman my reasons being:-
football stopped
F1 stopped
Bars and terraces stopped
Moto GP stopped ,
Men have to remain at home,
but the hairdressers are still open!
Explain to me please

jimgoose

And lo, I am learned that "Social Distancing" <> "Doggie Style".

The Princess Bride

My German friend has told me that over there, everyone is panic buying sausage and cheese, rather than toilet roll.
It's the wurst käse scenario.

patmac

Just heard a man collapsed on the London Eye.

Paramedics on site say he is slowly coming round.

chips1234

valoren wrote: »

Now that toilet roll and tissues are the new currency what do you call a tosser who runs out of both?

Wankrupt.

and between a sock and a hard place

byrner88

My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."

She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."

I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

iamstop

Did you see the Covid-19 meme?

It's gone viral.

Sorry.

[Deleted User]

iamstop wrote: »

Did you see the Covid-19 meme?

It's gone viral.

Sorry.

Capt'n Midnight

Netflix to reduce streaming quality.

They’re gonna start showing Mrs Brown’s Boys.