The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

.red. · 28-09-2018 7:24am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense
lawyer.

Not technically a joke but worthy of a mention as it ties in with the above.

https://youtu.be/yu3qIakos9k

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 28-09-2018 3:13pm

Before celebrating a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said calmly, Do you know young man baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?

I think so, the man replied. My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.

I don't mean that,the priest replied. I mean, are you prepared spiritually?

Oh sure, oh of course replied the young man.

I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.

These two guys were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, Hey, why don't you try this ball?

He pulls a green golf ball out of his bag and says you can't lose this ball.

His friend replies, What do you mean i can't lose it?

The first man replies, I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?

The man replies, I found it.

M.T. Cranium · 29-09-2018 4:28am

Two rats were having an argument.

"I say the government is the worst one we've had in a long time."

"Well, frankly, I don't give a lawyer's ass what you think."

dougm1970 · 29-09-2018 5:33am

rocky viagra .... now there was a hard man

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 29-09-2018 12:31pm

My friend, a recent widower, thought it might be a good idea to get himself a dog for a bit of companionship.

Checking out the pet ads in the local newspaper he came across one that read Purebred Police Dog €25

Thinking that sounded like a pretty fair bargain, he called and asked for the dog to be delivered to his house.

The very next day a van pulled up and left the dog on his doorstep, in a cardboard box.It was the mangiest looking mongrel he had ever seen.

In a fit of a rage, he telephoned the man who had placed the ad and shouted over the phone.

What the hell do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a Purebred Police Dog?

Hey calm down, the man responded, Don't be deceived by his looks, mister, that dog's under cover and was in the Police Service.

A young man who was the laziest worker ever and always found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.

When he arrived for his first day, the Zoo Keeper, aware of his of the young man's reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the Zoo keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.

Where are the tortoises the Zoo Keeper asked?

I can't believe it, said the young man, I just opened the door and before I knew it they were all gone.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 30-09-2018 10:33am

Tommy, Paddy and Mick were working on a high rise building in London.

Mick slipped fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took Micks body away, Paddy says to Tommy, Someone should go and tell Micks wife.

Tommy says, OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

Two hours later, Tommy comes back carrying a six pack. Paddy asked, Where did you get that ?

Tommy replies Micks wife gave it to me.

That's unbelievable says Paddy you told Micks wife her husband fell of a high rise building and was killed and she gave you a six pack of beer.

Tommy said, Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Micks widow.

She said, no, I'm not a widow.

Then I said to her wanna bet me a six-pack?

dougm1970 · 30-09-2018 11:27am

rang the chinese take-away yesterday evening and asked the young lady on the phone "do you deliver ?"....and she comes back with "sorry..no....we just do chicken and beef" :cool:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 30-09-2018 1:28pm

We were dining in a Chinese restaurant down in Chinatown, when my friend asked me, Do you know if there are there any Jews in China?

I don't know, I replied and suggested. Why don't we ask the waiter? So when the waiter came by, I asked him if there were any Chinese Jews?

I don't know, let me ask, the waiter answered and disappeared into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, No. No Chinese Jews.

Are you sure? I asked.

I go check again the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, my friend said, I can't believe there are no Jews in China, after all, people are scattered everywhere these days.

When the waiter returned he said, No Chinese Jews.

Are you really sure? I asked again. muttering, I cannot believe there's no Chinese Jews.

I ask everyone, the waiter replied exasperated. We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews, apple jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews.

everlast75 · 01-10-2018 11:28am

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”
- Muhammad Ali 1963

"Smell of ****e off your Da"
- Conor McGregor 2018

TheBody · 01-10-2018 1:13pm

The wife didn't believe I'd give our daughter a stupid name but I called her Bluff.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 01-10-2018 7:03pm

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

What a peaceful & loving couple everyone would say.

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it actually dates back to our honeymoon in America, explained the man.

We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, That's once.

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water.

Once more my wife quietly said, That's twice.

We hadn't gone a half a mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, What's wrong with you, woman .

Why did you shoot the poor horse like that?

Are you crazy?

She looked at me, and quietly said, That's once.

And from that moment on we have lived happily ever after.

7 Seconds... · 01-10-2018 8:40pm

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

.red. · 01-10-2018 8:53pm

everlast75 wrote: »

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”
- Muhammad Ali 1963

"Smell of ****e off your Da"
- Conor McGregor 2018

"Impossible is nothing"
Adidas marketing team, 2010

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 01-10-2018 10:53pm

Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.

Chuck replied, Well then just give me my money back.

The farmer said, I can't do that. I went and spent it already.

Chuck said, Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.

The farmer asked, What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, I'm going to raffle him off.

The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead horse.

Chuck said, Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, What happened with that dead horse?

Chuck said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.

The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?

Chuck said, Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

M.T. Cranium · 02-10-2018 12:31am

That last one was a Butte but it left me feeling a bit MT.

Bob Harris · 02-10-2018 2:49pm

A vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth:

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only fifteen minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to grab him to get him to shut up.

When they got him down from the pulpit they asked him what happened.

The vicar explains, the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 15 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he just couldn't shut up!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 02-10-2018 6:33pm

A driver had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination.

He decided to stop at the next town he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the town's major jogging routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when someone started knocking on his window.

He looked out and saw a jogger and said yes what do you want.

Excuse me, sir, the jogger said, do you have the time?

The driver looked at the car clock and answered, 8:15.

The jogger said thanks and left..

The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

It was another jogger, excuse me, says the jogger.

Do you have the time?

8:25 snaps the driver.

The jogger said thanks and left.

At this stage the driver could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, I do not know the time.

Once again he settled back to sleep.

He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

A jogger shouted sir,sir it's 8:45.

Bob Harris · 03-10-2018 8:36am

A bloke out for a walk bumps into a pal, who has only one arm.

"What are you up to?" says the man.

"I'm going to change a light bulb," his mate replied.

Slightly concerned, he asks: "Won't that be difficult, with just one arm?"

"I shouldn't think so," his pal replied. "I've still got the receipt."

bonzodog2 · 03-10-2018 8:58am

Geoffrey Hayes from Rainbow has died.

"I don't even remember him being in the band, " said Ritchie Blackmore.

Edgware · 03-10-2018 10:34am

natashaob6 wrote: »

A driver had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination.

He decided to stop at the next town he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the town's major jogging routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when someone started knocking on his window.

He looked out and saw a jogger and said yes what do you want.

Excuse me, sir, the jogger said, do you have the time?

The driver looked at the car clock and answered, 8:15.

The jogger said thanks and left..

The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

It was another jogger, excuse me, says the jogger.

Do you have the time?

8:25 snaps the driver.

The jogger said thanks and left.

At this stage the driver could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, I do not know the time.

Once again he settled back to sleep.

He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

A jogger shouted sir,sir it's 8:45.

Why is this in the humour section?

03-10-2018 2:05pm

Edgware wrote: »

Why is this in the humour section?

It's not, this is AH!
Where funnies go to be slaughtered

patmac · 03-10-2018 4:41pm

So, a penguin is getting pretty pissed off at the ****e, cold, freezing winters at the south pole, and decides he needs a sunshine holiday. He decides on a trip to Tuscany, in Italy, books a ticket and leaves the freezing, god-forsaken place. Arriving at Pisa airport, he marvels at the fabulous warm weather, and heads to the car hire desk, where he collects a hire car to tour around the region.

Beautiful Tuscan countryside, warm balmy weather, the little chap is in penguin heaven, until without warning, the car starts to make a loud knocking sound from the engine. Fortunately, he was approaching a small town with, as luck would have it, an auto repair garage. The mechanic, Luigi, tells the penguin that he has to finish fitting a clutch to another car, and then he will investigate the knocking noise from his engine, and suggests that he return in an hour.

The penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Italy, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "Feck off, I've just been eating ice cream."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 03-10-2018 6:21pm

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

The wife replied, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.

The husband replied, I don't believe you show me?

So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says HEBREWS

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, I can't get out of the room.

You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. Why not?

She replied, There are only three doors in here, she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb.

M.T. Cranium · 03-10-2018 6:41pm

That one's going to lead to a mass exodus.

Did you hear the one about the four preachers who spoke almost non-stop about the impending end of days?

They were the four hoarse men of the a'pucker-lips.

GBX · 04-10-2018 12:22am

"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.

Ipso · 04-10-2018 2:31am

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

That last one was a Butte but it left me feeling a bit MT.

You should be on the top Billings.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-10-2018 8:24am

My Dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus.

When he retired they had to close the show.

They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.

Did you hear about the man that died of an overdose of viagra?

The couln'd close the lid of the coffin.

Being a waiter isn't a great job but at least it puts food on the table.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-10-2018 8:55pm

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender says, Wow, that's a lot of whiskey. Are you celebrating?

The man replies, Yes! My first blowjob.

The bartender says, Oh, congratulations! But if you don't mind me asking, why ten shots?

The man says, If that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

A man walks into a bar.

As he sits down at the bar a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, Hot dog €2, Cheese burger €5, Hand job €10.

He asks the waitress, Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She winks and replies, Why yes I am.

The man says, Well in that case, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

Doctor: I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating.

Man: Oh my God, doc! Why?

Doctor: I'm trying to examine you.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can just keep the tip.

wilser · 05-10-2018 4:53pm

I went to see a psychic and she said, "There's something brewing."
I said, "Beer?"
She glared and snarled, "No, something very evil."
I replied, "Non-alcoholic beer?"

MikeyTaylor · 05-10-2018 5:12pm

What has scaly skin, sharp teeth, eats people and lives in a prison in Clondalkin?

The Cloverhill Monster.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments