What's the etiquette here??

NeinNeinNein · 18-11-2019 10:54am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Better believe it Vee.... they used to staple the baggage reclaim tags on the cover, I'm told.

Disgusting and so wasteful.

Those were the days before we discovered the climate change emergency.

The world is truly a more caring place today.

Andreas77 · 18-11-2019 1:45pm

Hi guys,
Welcome back. It’s a little warm in here.
Update: I‘ve been eating four tablespoons of nutritional yeast every morning for the last few weeks. For those of you not in the know about this super food, it is brown flakes of bacteria that grow on sugarcanes, fortified with B vitamins. Aside from this I eat three table spoons of medium-chain triglycerides, and three raw egg yolks. Stool is produced as caramel coloured worms about the width of your thumb, with a mealy texture, one at a time. If I squeeze just right they taper like ribbons,. Yesterday when I was examining the bowl, I observed two of these worms side by side, to form the most perfect pair of women’s legs you have ever seen. It was uncanny,. Calves, petite little knees, hips, all perfectly proportioned, very sexy, one leg beside the other, nothing gauche. You would almost imagine this woman was smoking a cigarette on Hollywood boulevard. Reminds me of a woman I once knew from Utrecht, a very fine specimen, who I rode like a pony on a hard wooden floor. Connection is, I bought this woman a very expensive faux-fur coat from Claudie Pierlot. I wonder where she is now,
.

Stevieluvsye · 18-11-2019 1:51pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Hi guys,
Welcome back. It’s a little warm in here.
Update: I‘ve been eating four tablespoons of nutritional yeast every morning for the last few weeks. For those of you not in the know about this super food, it is brown flakes of bacteria that grow on sugarcanes, fortified with B vitamins. Aside from this I eat three table spoons of medium-chain triglycerides, and three raw egg yolks. Stool is produced as caramel coloured worms about the width of your thumb, with a mealy texture, one at a time. If I squeeze just right they taper like ribbons,. Yesterday when I was examining the bowl, I observed two of these worms side by side, to form the most perfect pair of women’s legs you have ever seen. It was uncanny,. Calves, petite little knees, hips, all perfectly proportioned, very sexy, one leg beside the other, nothing gauche. You would almost imagine this woman was smoking a cigarette on Hollywood boulevard. Reminds me of a woman I once knew from Utrecht, a very fine specimen, who I rode like a pony on a hard wooden floor. Connection is, I bought this woman a very expensive faux-fur coat from Claudie Pierlot. I wonder where she is now,
.

You're off your fcuking rocker

EmmetSpiceland · 18-11-2019 2:12pm

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

You're off your fcuking rocker

I dunno, S, I’ve heard stories about that nutritional yeast, or “nooch” as it’s sometimes called.

If you ever try any of the “soy” based products or Quorn even. Big blow outs of, fairly harmless, gas and then long, soft, slender turds.

I, myself, have been suffering of a different “issue” these days. Been dropping decent logs, probably a “type 4” on the stool chart but, here’s the thing, they all seem to be leaving stark, and lengthy, skid marks on the back right of the bowl, stage left as your sitting.

What’s that about? Does the “poop shoot” exit at a slight angle just as the pee one does?

It’s worrying but I’ve started to “paper” the back wall so as to avoid this from happening at home but, really, I shouldn’t have to.

Stevieluvsye · 18-11-2019 2:14pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I dunno, S, I’ve heard stories about that nutritional yeast, or “nooch” as it’s sometimes called.

If you ever try any of the “soy” based products or Quorn even. Big blow outs of, fairly harmless, gas and then long, soft, slender turds.

I, myself, have been suffering of a different “issue” these days. Been dropping decent logs, probably a “type 4” on the stool chart but, here’s the thing, they all seem to be leaving stark, and lengthy, skid marks on the back right of the bowl, stage left as your sitting.

What’s that about? Does the “poop shoot” exit at a slight angle just as the pee one does?

It’s worrying but I’ve started to “paper” the back wall so as to avoid this from happening at home but, really, I shouldn’t have to.

I was more referring to his **** looking like a woman having a smoke in hollywood

Bobblehats · 18-11-2019 2:15pm

Congrats to Victor Fentenstein there a real breakthrough in just whatever he’s trying to achieve. Dr. Strange must be salivating all over that one let’s just hope for the sake of humanity he keeps it contained

NeinNeinNein · 18-11-2019 2:29pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I dunno, S, I’ve heard stories about that nutritional yeast, or “nooch” as it’s sometimes called.

If you ever try any of the “soy” based products or Quorn even. Big blow outs of, fairly harmless, gas and then long, soft, slender turds.

I, myself, have been suffering of a different “issue” these days. Been dropping decent logs, probably a “type 4” on the stool chart but, here’s the thing, they all seem to be leaving stark, and lengthy, skid marks on the back right of the bowl, stage left as your sitting.

What’s that about? Does the “poop shoot” exit at a slight angle just as the pee one does?

It’s worrying but I’ve started to “paper” the back wall so as to avoid this from happening at home but, really, I shouldn’t have to.

Do you live on a boat?

If you do, try waiting for the 'choppyness' to die down before evacuation.

Hector Savage · 18-11-2019 3:35pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Hi guys,
Welcome back. It’s a little warm in here.
Update: I‘ve been eating four tablespoons of nutritional yeast every morning for the last few weeks. For those of you not in the know about this super food, it is brown flakes of bacteria that grow on sugarcanes, fortified with B vitamins. Aside from this I eat three table spoons of medium-chain triglycerides, and three raw egg yolks. Stool is produced as caramel coloured worms about the width of your thumb, with a mealy texture, one at a time. If I squeeze just right they taper like ribbons,. Yesterday when I was examining the bowl, I observed two of these worms side by side, to form the most perfect pair of women’s legs you have ever seen. It was uncanny,. Calves, petite little knees, hips, all perfectly proportioned, very sexy, one leg beside the other, nothing gauche. You would almost imagine this woman was smoking a cigarette on Hollywood boulevard. Reminds me of a woman I once knew from Utrecht, a very fine specimen, who I rode like a pony on a hard wooden floor. Connection is, I bought this woman a very expensive faux-fur coat from Claudie Pierlot. I wonder where she is now,
.

Voodoomelon · 18-11-2019 3:36pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I dunno, S, I’ve heard stories about that nutritional yeast, or “nooch” as it’s sometimes called.

If you ever try any of the “soy” based products or Quorn even. Big blow outs of, fairly harmless, gas and then long, soft, slender turds.

I, myself, have been suffering of a different “issue” these days. Been dropping decent logs, probably a “type 4” on the stool chart but, here’s the thing, they all seem to be leaving stark, and lengthy, skid marks on the back right of the bowl, stage left as your sitting.

What’s that about? Does the “poop shoot” exit at a slight angle just as the pee one does?

It’s worrying but I’ve started to “paper” the back wall so as to avoid this from happening at home but, really, I shouldn’t have to.

I've only noticed similar, mine has a tendency to clip the right side of the pan on the descent. I wonder if they're hitting a "bump in the road" on exit, veering them off course.

sligojoek · 18-11-2019 3:41pm

Is there anything said for raising a buttock so the "Pendulum" hangs "Plumb"

NeinNeinNein · 18-11-2019 4:05pm

There's money to be made by patenting the design of the world's first bowl with built in spirit level.

Andreas77 · 18-11-2019 4:10pm

I'm sorry to say this sounds like early symptoms of a palsy which occurs on the internal sphincter. A type of rectal distension. Advice, do not push or squeeze too hard as it's related to anal resting pressure.
You had any leakage in everyday life?

18-11-2019 4:13pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

There's money to be made by patenting the design of the world's first bowl with built in spirit level.

I wouldn't be surprised if those geniuses at Toto in Japan have self levelling toilets. Ahead of the game, those lads.

Hector Savage · 18-11-2019 4:16pm

Anyone here read that book Gut about some German lass that's obsessed with scutter ?

Bullocks · 18-11-2019 8:28pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Anyone here read that book Gut about some German lass that's obsessed with scutter ?

Is she good looking Hector ?

Avadacov · 18-11-2019 10:04pm

Had to scarper out of a meeting in work today for an 'emergency landing'. Felt an intense pressure building up and knew an 'inverted' fart was only seconds away from being heard by the whole room.

All the cubicles were thankfully free, so went into my favourite - the right hand 'end of terrace' against the wall.

Had already unzipped, was about to perch cheeks on seat, and just noticed in the nick of time, a dark mass lurking in the depths, left by my toilet predecessor, hidden under a wad of paper. Didn't have much time to waste to quickly flushed the toilet only for it to dislodge the paper and expose the beast in all its glory. I'm not joking, I have never seen anything like it. It was like a ring of black pudding was thrown into the bowl, and rather nutty at one end. If it was stretched out and laid flat it must have been a foot long. I had already started unzipping as said, so flushed again, only for the giant log to roll over and bob in the water, looking at me mockingly.

I was approaching danger zone at this stage so pulled up the zip, burst out and into the next cubicle and unleashed a bowl rattler of a fart followed by two lovely solid logs. Barely any wipeage too, delightful.

EmmetSpiceland · 18-11-2019 10:07pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Is she good looking Hector ?

She is but she smells terrible!

EmmetSpiceland · 18-11-2019 10:14pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

I'm sorry to say this sounds like early symptoms of a palsy which occurs on the internal sphincter. A type of rectal distension. Advice, do not push or squeeze too hard as it's related to anal resting pressure.
You had any leakage in everyday life?

Just to come back to this. No, A, I haven’t “blown a gasket”. Jocks are clean at the end of the day. I’d be a very “thorough” wiper.

I think the crux of the “issue”, no pun intended, is the length. It’s curling out but due to the length it’s “beaching” at the back right.

Nothing “monumental” now, I had one a few months back that was huge and when it “beached” it stank the place out as it didn’t slide under the water until the flush.

I’ve “eased” up on the pushing and straining after delivering one “breech”. Had a “slight” tear before and don’t want to go through all that again. Ever.

Sharp MZ700 · 18-11-2019 10:20pm

Avadacov wrote: »

Had to scarper out of a meeting in work today for an 'emergency landing'. Felt an intense pressure building up and knew an 'inverted' fart was only seconds away from being heard by the whole room.

All the cubicles were thankfully free, so went into my favourite - the right hand 'end of terrace' against the wall.

Had already unzipped, was about to perch cheeks on seat, and just noticed in the nick of time, a dark mass lurking in the depths, left by my toilet predecessor, hidden under a wad of paper. Didn't have much time to waste to quickly flushed the toilet only for it to dislodge the paper and expose the beast in all its glory. I'm not joking, I have never seen anything like it. It was like a ring of black pudding was thrown into the bowl, and rather nutty at one end. If it was stretched out and laid flat it must have been a foot long. I had already started unzipping as said, so flushed again, only for the giant log to roll over and bob in the water, looking at me mockingly.

I was approaching danger zone at this stage so pulled up the zip, burst out and into the next cubicle and unleashed a bowl rattler of a fart followed by two lovely solid logs. Barely any wipeage too, delightful.

Just a heads up should you happen upon a "dirty foreigner" like that again, couple of taps with the top of the phone should see it break down and around the swan neck on flushing. Works best with an I phone they say.

EmmetSpiceland · 18-11-2019 10:28pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Just a heads up should you happen upon a "dirty foreigner" like that again, couple of taps with the top of the phone should see it break down and around the swan neck on flushing. Works best with an I phone they say.

Would you recommend “wrapping” the phone first, S? I wouldn’t be tapping anything in a toilet bowl that I would later be putting up to my face.

Wrap before you “tap”, as they say.

Bobblehats · 18-11-2019 10:30pm

Tripe and onions the only foreign object in that scenario would be the phone itself. Roll up your damn sleeves

Avadacov · 18-11-2019 10:36pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Just a heads up should you happen upon a "dirty foreigner" like that again, couple of taps with the top of the phone should see it break down and around the swan neck on flushing. Works best with an I phone they say.

This thing was best left in the hands of the terrifying cleaning lady who was due in half an hour later. Very aggressive mopper and also shouts at you when the towel dispenser is empty. She did have a great laugh one day, however, when she found someone wiped poo on the toilet wall, clearly very amusing...

One look from her would make 'the offender' bow under the water and send it to its watery grave.

Sharp MZ700 · 18-11-2019 11:08pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Would you recommend “wrapping” the phone first, S? I wouldn’t be tapping anything in a toilet bowl that I would later be putting up to my face.

Wrap before you “tap”, as they say.

Wouldn't bother tbh E, just a quick wipe on the big roll afterwards. Trying to make the best of the situation, can't stand double stacking. Especially if the seat is still warm. Eurgh.

Brendan Bendar · 18-11-2019 11:42pm

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

You're off your fcuking rocker

I’d have to agree with that assessment Mr S.

Hector Savage · 19-11-2019 10:07am

Bullocks wrote: »

Is she good looking Hector ?

She's a lovely looking dolly burd!!

and the buke ...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gut-revised-expanded-Giulia-Enders/dp/1911344773/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3NYW20MEU47E5&keywords=gut+guilia+enders&qid=1574154427&sprefix=gut+gu%2Caps%2C153&sr=8-1

19-11-2019 10:44am

Hector Savage wrote: »

She's a lovely looking dolly burd!!

and the buke ...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gut-revised-expanded-Giulia-Enders/dp/1911344773/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3NYW20MEU47E5&keywords=gut+guilia+enders&qid=1574154427&sprefix=gut+gu%2Caps%2C153&sr=8-1

Christmas present for the housemate sorted, hopefully informative for the filthy kernt.

Sharp MZ700 · 19-11-2019 10:50am

I wouldn't push him too hard into polishing up his bathroom etiquette Nialler, could leave yourself exposed. Just sayin....

19-11-2019 10:56am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

I wouldn't push him too hard into polishing up his bathroom etiquette Nialler, could leave yourself exposed. Just sayin....

If I could at least get him to open the window afterwards S, I'd be a happy camper. I endeavour to keep the throne at home the way I'd like to find it, clean and free of fent. It's not the work jax where you expect to find all manner of horrors. I'd just like this to be reciprocated is all.

NeinNeinNein · 19-11-2019 11:07am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Just a heads up should you happen upon a "dirty foreigner" like that again, couple of taps with the top of the phone should see it break down and around the swan neck on flushing. Works best with an I phone they say.

The old Motorolas with the slide out aerials proved excellent for this task. What truly sh*tty phones they were.

Andreas77 · 19-11-2019 11:07am

what a fine breed, what a saucy woman. A novelist with mischievous eyes and a pert, nasty little mouth.Let me tell you, I so admire these features in a female.
I would ride that pony like a bucking bronco. I would give this beautiful novelist whiplash on her back She would never want for anything. I would do all the housework, I would cook her Sweet Fried Dough, Seasonal Dessert, Rice Pudding), I would mount and dismount at the click of her thumb, I would go down on on this lady from morning to noon with my longtongue, I would bath her in gentle sponges under the candlelight, with essential oils, my heart rate is racing,.

19-11-2019 11:11am

Andreas77 wrote: »

what a fine breed, what a saucy woman. A novelist with mischievous eyes and a pert, nasty little mouth.Let me tell you, I so admire these features in a female.
I would ride that pony like a bucking bronco. I would give this beautiful novelist whiplash on her back She would never want for anything. I would do all the housework, I would cook her Sweet Fried Dough, Seasonal Dessert, Rice Pudding), I would mount and dismount at the click of her thumb, I would go down on on this lady from morning to noon with my longtongue, I would bath her in gentle sponges under the candlelight, with essential oils, my heart rate is racing,.

I think you are in the wrong thread there lad.

Sharp MZ700 · 19-11-2019 11:11am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If I could at least get him to open the window afterwards S, I'd be a happy camper. I endeavour to keep the throne at home the way I'd like to find it, clean and free of fent. It's not the work jax where you expect to find all manner of horrors. I'd just like this to be reciprocated is all.

Absolutely!
I was coming from the" what kernt left that chocolate mousse in the bog?'" angle where you'd be inwardly ecstatic it was actually yourself... I used do it all the time, still do but she knows me too well at this stage.

Hector Savage · 19-11-2019 12:22pm

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-50469405

Scientists create slippery toilet coating that stops poo sticking

Researchers say the fresh water used to flush the world's toilets each day is six times Africa's total consumption
Researchers in the US say they have created an ultra-slippery toilet coating that could help save vast quantities of water around the world.

Scientists at Penn State University say the coating cuts the amount of water required to flush excrement by 90%.

They say it also prevents bacteria from building up in toilet bowls and reduces associated odours.

What a time to be alive!

JohnnyFlash · 19-11-2019 12:34pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-50469405

What a time to be alive!

Would like to see how it works under ‘real life workload’. Be sceptical enough that it would work as claimed if you were visiting it for the 4th time before noon and crop dusting the pan after a dozen pints and a feed of Pat McDonagh’s finest the night before.

sligojoek · 19-11-2019 12:47pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I think you are in the wrong thread website there lad.

Fixed that for you.

Brendan Bendar · 19-11-2019 1:56pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-50469405

What a time to be alive!

I wouldn’t pay any heed to US ‘toilet experts’ given the stupid pots full of water they have, with your nut purse semi-submerged and the ‘Little Drummer Boy’ up to his collar in floating detritus.

No way sahib, I say, no way.

NeinNeinNein · 19-11-2019 2:06pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Would like to see how it works under ‘real life workload’. Be sceptical enough that it would work as claimed if you were visiting it for the 4th time before noon and crop dusting the pan after a dozen pints and a feed of Pat McDonagh’s finest the night before.

Exactly, it needs reapplying after 50 flushes and is not urine proof.

Back to work Boffins.

Might send them a link to this thread.

Andreas77 · 19-11-2019 3:18pm

Friends, any of you acquainted with the squatty potty? I will have an opportunity to try one shortly. You'd be surprised how many people made a secret online purchase of these, they say your posture is improved and excrement will flow through your body more directly. Also due to body and buttock positioning, your anus will be stretched open, meaning no smearing on inside of legs, less chance of haemorrhoids etc,.

Brendan Bendar · 19-11-2019 3:34pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Friends, any of you acquainted with the squatty potty? I will have an opportunity to try one shortly. You'd be surprised how many people made a secret online purchase of these, they say your posture is improved and excrement will flow through your body more directly. Also due to body and buttock positioning, your anus will be stretched open, meaning no smearing on inside of legs, less chance of haemorrhoids etc,.

Well acquainted with that unit,pal.

What you say is quite correct,as a good spraying of ‘fortified stewing beef’ behind many a bush on a golf course can prove.

One has to be very careful though as to use an aviation term,one can experience a ‘hot start’ as soon as you bend over and assume the position.

Depending on the urgency there can be ‘uncontained breakout’ and spray the strides with rich viscous midden.

There’s always a downside to everything, pal.

gerrybbadd · 19-11-2019 3:35pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Friends, any of you acquainted with the squatty potty? I will have an opportunity to try one shortly. You'd be surprised how many people made a secret online purchase of these, they say your posture is improved and excrement will flow through your body more directly. Also due to body and buttock positioning, your anus will be stretched open, meaning no smearing on inside of legs, less chance of haemorrhoids etc,.

Jesus when has this ever happened using a traditional toilet? Have you been out the back squatting in a field, you filty kernt?

Brendan Bendar · 19-11-2019 4:40pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Jesus when has this ever happened using a traditional toilet? Have you been out the back squatting in a field, you filty kernt?

Obviously has an arse like circus tent Gerry.

Has to squat to get separation between the greasy cheeks

Arse cheeks bunched together on a normal pan, like squeezing toothpaste

Kernt then probably ‘saws’ the clagg off with a bath towel.

Filthy kernt.

Scoundrel · 19-11-2019 5:01pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Obviously has an arse like circus tent Gerry.

Has to squat to get separation between the greasy cheeks

Arse cheeks bunched together on a normal pan, like squeezing toothpaste

Kernt then probably ‘saws’ the clagg off with a bath towel.

Filthy kernt.

Yeah i'd say he's like a grilled cheese sandwich down there.

NeinNeinNein · 19-11-2019 5:17pm

Scoundrel wrote: »

Yeah i'd say he's like a grilled cheese sandwich down there.

Hot?

Scoundrel · 19-11-2019 5:53pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Hot?

And sticky

Brendan Bendar · 19-11-2019 6:00pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Hot?

No!dry cheddar shavings on the outside with softer Three Counties on the inside.

This lad can’t unload on a proper pan, this poster would opine.

The ‘dhrop’ of flab and loose ‘hangings’ prevent smooth evacuation, I mean the load has to ease past a wall of flesh before ‘ breaking cloud’ hence the smearing problem.

Not good, I say, not good.

Andreas77 · 19-11-2019 6:03pm

I'm a squatter gerry, unable to spread my feet too far apart, so sometimes I got excrement on the inside of my legs. Is a crime?

With the squatty potty I anticipate a change in style, reason being, your anus is stretched open and your spine is in the optimum position, I'll let you know how I get on
.

KWAG2019 · 19-11-2019 6:31pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Jesus when has this ever happened using a traditional toilet? Have you been out the back squatting in a field, you filty kernt?

I suspect this could be the buddy mentioned by Bullocks who frequents the cattle facilities. His, ahem, condition seems to have festered into something worse and probably having been banned from the slatted shed is now seeking similar relief into this regressive pot. This lad bears watching for signs of deterioration. He’s already going to pot.

Nevin Parsnipp · 19-11-2019 8:11pm

Ah...I well remember back in the day ..on a camping holiday in France...blew out two full cheeks of arse butter in one of their foul smelling "squat toilets".

No lock on the door and a rather posh British lady peeped in while I was "in the position" as it were ...she muttered an "excuse me" but it was lost in a thunderous gravelly fart that preceded an explosive evac.

Have to say that despite the volume of sour shyte the arse cheeks and legs were untouched and minimal wiping was required.

Something to think about....hmmmm.?

Brendan Bendar · 19-11-2019 9:34pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Ah...I well remember back in the day ..on a camping holiday in France...blew out two full cheeks of arse butter in one of their foul smelling "squat toilets".

No lock on the door and a rather posh British lady peeped in while I was "in the position" as it were ...she muttered an "excuse me" but it was lost in a thunderous gravelly fart that preceded an explosive evac.

Have to say that despite the volume of sour shyte the arse cheeks and legs were untouched and minimal wiping was required.

Something to think about....hmmmm.?

Hmmm .... surprised there wasn’t a bit of ‘speckle’ on backs of the calves Nevin.

Exploded a loose round from a similar position ,thought I had gotten away unscathed till I checked the back of the strides.

Looked like I had been hit with a volley of damp buckshot..... spread all over the back of the calves.... you could sew a button on the bang when I brought the strides to the dry cleaners.

Auld one behind the counter nearly buckled at the knees.

Bullocks · 19-11-2019 9:57pm

KWAG2019 wrote: »

I suspect this could be the buddy mentioned by Bullocks who frequents the cattle facilities. His, ahem, condition seems to have festered into something worse and probably having been banned from the slatted shed is now seeking similar relief into this regressive pot. This lad bears watching for signs of deterioration. He’s already going to pot.

When squatting in the slats you could get streaking of the legs ,arms or neck from a cow on a good 18% nut .
My buddy isn't deteriorating though , he was always rough . Used to get a great kick out of wizzing into the tray of the fag machine in CP's back in the day

What's the etiquette here??

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