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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #4202
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,582 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I said to my boyfriend, "come into the bedroom and I'll put on that
    black lace number. "

    "No thanks, I can't stand 'Agadoo'..."


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    #4203
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 563 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    My wife said she wanted to buy an Aga for the kitchen. I said, “What does an Aga do, do, do?”


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    #4204
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,582 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Yesterday, a Russian acrobat was seriously injured, while performing a human pyramid.

    A spokesperson for the troop, said, "we don't know how we can continue to perform, we don't have Oleg to stand on."


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    #4205
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I saw an inflatable atm machine today , on the screen it said

    please do not enter pin


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    #4206
    chewed
    Registered Users Posts: 3,408 ✭✭✭chewed


    Why did Jesus give up on his crossword puzzle?





    He got stuck on 2 Across


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    #4207
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Mrs O'Mally and baby Sean were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
    "Breast-fed," she replied.
    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
    Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk."


    "I know,” she said," I’m his Grandma, but now I’m glad I came."


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    #4208
    GBX
    Registered Users Posts: 11,918 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    Advice needed!
    My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic.
    So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?


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    #4209
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    What do you give an elephant with diahorrea?


    Plenty of room.


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    #4210
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,473 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    GBX wrote: »
    Advice needed!
    My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic.
    So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?
    I hear the cellar is a popular choice.


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    #4211
    Edgware
    Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    New Home wrote: »
    I hear the cellar is a popular choice.

    Fritzl and Son do a good cellar conversion. If they are not available give Mr.Fred West Cromwell St. Gloucester a call.


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    #4212
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    WINE TASTER WANTED:
    A drunk with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
    He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
    "That's correct", said the boss.
    Another glass: "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." "Correct."
    A third glass: ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
    The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
    She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
    The alcoholic tried it.
    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."


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    #4213
    ohnonotgmail
    Registered Users Posts: 40,205 ✭✭✭✭ohnonotgmail


    Edgware wrote: »
    Fritzl and Son do a good cellar conversion. If they are not available give Mr.Fred West Cromwell St. Gloucester a call.

    Fred specialises in gardens.


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    #4214
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a fit of panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!."
    Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!
    "OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"
    Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"
    "Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound.
    Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
    Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " We're over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction."
    Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
    Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "We're over the Ballymun flats outside of Dublin" (has a reputation as a rough spot) "turn left here and you should be on course for Runway One."
    Paddy responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One.
    Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was brilliant ..But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats?"
    "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.... my watch was gone !! "
    😂


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    #4215
    Heighway61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    6.30 is by far the best time on the clock.

    Hands down.


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    #4216
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    The clock surrenders twice a day, at midnight and at midday, hands UP!


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    #4217
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,909 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    The Princess Bride wrote: »
    Yesterday, a Russian acrobat was seriously injured, while performing a human pyramid.

    A spokesperson for the troop, said, "we don't know how we can continue to perform, we don't have Oleg to stand on."

    At the same circus the human cannonball handed in his notice.

    "You can't quit on me now" said the ring master. "Where am I going to find someone of your caliber?"

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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    #4218
    Roger_007
    Registered Users Posts: 21,886 ✭✭✭✭Roger_007


    If you are ever attacked by a bunch of those circus people, there’s only one thing you can do.......go for the juggler!


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    #4219
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,909 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Two cannibals eating a clown. One says "Does this taste funny to you?"

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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    #4220
    branie2
    Registered Users Posts: 10,296 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    What was the Kerryman's specialist subject on Mastermind?

    Polish Popes of the 20th century


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    #4221
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,155 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    iamstop wrote: »
    At the same circus the human cannonball handed in his notice.

    "You can't quit on me now" said the ring master. "Where am I going to find someone of your caliber?"

    He can't quit but yet gets fired every day!


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    #4222
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,830 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    branie2 wrote: »
    What was the Kerryman's specialist subject on Mastermind?

    Polish Popes of the 20th century



    Eoin McLove : Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours.

    Oh no! People will think this is rigged.

    John Paul II. What was his name before he became Pope?


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    #4223
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,830 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm an undercover cop.

    I'm also bad at my job.


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    #4224
    Heighway61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    Deleted. In hindsight, probably offensive.


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    #4225
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Heighway61 wrote: »
    The teacher attended the disiplinary meeting and was fired. "It's because of my cross-eyes, isn't it?" "No, it's because you can't control your pupils."

    Must be an English joke cos it most certainly isn't Irish! :rolleyes: :mad:


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    #4226
    Heighway61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    Cats are made from iron, lithium and neon. They're feline.


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    #4227
    Heighway61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,966 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    When the past, present and future go camping it always ends in an argument.


    It's intense tense in tents.


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    #4228
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    So it was quite an intentsive argument! :P


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    #4229
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,830 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

    "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

    "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

    "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub..

    What are you doing round this way?"

    "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

    The same thing happens for two weeks..

    Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

    "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

    "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

    "At the circus," says the barman.

    "The circus?" repeats the duck.

    "That's right," replies the barman.

    "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

    "Yeah," the barman replies.

    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

    "Of course," the barman replies.

    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

    "That's right!" says the barman.

    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..


    "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer???!!!


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    #4230
    Suckit
    Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    - Have you evere been to Howth?

    - Yes, of course.

    - Have you been recently?

    - No, not recently.

    - Nope, I haven't Binn Éadair.


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    #4231
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,582 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Once upon a time, there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

    He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.


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