One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks · 12-02-2019 5:30pm

Getting baptised by a priest dressed as a clown might seem a little weird>

But to me,it was a Blessing in Disguise.

Tomw86 · 12-02-2019 5:43pm

What do you called a one legged Hippo?

A Hoppo

Ragnar Lothbrok · 13-02-2019 12:11pm

Tomw86 wrote: »

What do you called a one legged Hippo?

A Hoppo

Love it

MonkieSocks · 14-02-2019 1:29am

I've just seen a homeless many dressed up as Henry VIII.

Surely he must realise that beggars can't be Tudors?

MonkieSocks · 15-02-2019 12:33am

Mother in law : My grandson looks nothing like my son?

Daughter in law : It's a Fanny I've got, not a fookin Photocopier

MonkieSocks · 15-02-2019 6:52pm

Q: What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is very Heavy, and the other is a Little Lighter.

MonkieSocks · 17-02-2019 6:28pm

"Doctor, I keep hearing Strange Voices from my Underpants"

"Ignore them, They're Talking Bollocks

MonkieSocks · 18-02-2019 8:56pm

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie.

Apparently "Shatner Panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.

coolhull · 19-02-2019 1:30am

"It's a boy," I shouted, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I don't believe it! A boy!"

And that was the moment when I decided never to visit Thailand again.....

decky1 · 19-02-2019 1:42am

working in England a friend from kerry asked me to make him a box 1 inch high x 1 inch wide and 30 foot long, what for i asked him , 'I want to send a washing line home to my mammy ' he said.

MonkieSocks · 19-02-2019 10:30pm

Guy I know is always in A&E with concussion.

Lives just a stone's throw from me...

decky1 · 22-02-2019 5:21pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Because the seaweed.

PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?

yes did'nt she marry Logs Byrne,

MonkieSocks · 22-02-2019 11:01pm

Paddy builds a bridge across the Sahara,

Murphy sees it and says WTF are you doing Paddy?

Take it down quick, if anyone sees it they'll think we're stupid.

Paddy says, I can't take it down, there's 500 Sasanachs fishing from it already .

MonkieSocks · 25-02-2019 4:47pm

My mate has been diagnosed with A.S.H.

That's AIDS, Syphilis and Herpes...

They told him he's an incurable romantic.

greenspurs · 25-02-2019 4:59pm

I know loads of jokes about cash machines...……….

But I cant fecking think of one atm ……………

MonkieSocks · 27-02-2019 12:11am

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

MonkieSocks · 27-02-2019 4:52pm

A Pun enters a room and murders Two Groups of 5 People.

Pun in, ten dead

MonkieSocks · 02-03-2019 11:55pm

What do they serve for breakfast at Dignitas?

Cheerios.

MonkieSocks · 04-03-2019 7:37pm

Did you hear about the mathematician who had a a phobia of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

MonkieSocks · 05-03-2019 9:05pm

My wife is like a fine wine.

She's maturing with age, and I keep her in the cellar.

MonkieSocks · 05-03-2019 11:33pm

Q: Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

A: Tequila

greenspurs · 06-03-2019 9:21am

I hate autocorrect.........

Its always making me say thing i didnt Nintendo .....

MonkieSocks · 09-03-2019 12:38am

The man who invented autocorrect died today.

May he rust in piss.

Eamonn

Worztron · 09-03-2019 3:08pm

Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters? So the men can think of a solution in silence.

MonkieSocks · 09-03-2019 6:07pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The man who invented autocorrect died today.

Thay didn't know he was I'll

coolhull · 10-03-2019 2:42pm

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at, either.

MonkieSocks · 10-03-2019 8:03pm

I remember my first ever visit to a Chinese restaurant.

I looked at the menu and asked “are those prawn crackers?’

“Nah” said the waiter, “ they just enjoy a good laugh”.

greenspurs · 11-03-2019 10:18am

I cant stop robbing kitchen utensils....

Its a whisk I have to take...

MonkieSocks · 12-03-2019 1:07am

I recently bought a Dog from a local Blacksmith

I only had him 3 hours before made a Bolt for the Door!

MonkieSocks · 15-03-2019 12:12am

You can't spell 'advertisements' without getting semen between tits

MonkieSocks · 17-03-2019 7:50pm

A Bloke came into my Shoe Shop and asked for some Red Shoes.

'Certainly Sir', I said 'what Size?'

'72' he replied.

Fookin Clown.

MonkieSocks · 18-03-2019 8:22pm

Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Otherwise its feet wouldn't touch the ground.

MonkieSocks · 21-03-2019 12:48am

Moshe and Abraham are walking along complaining about how poor they are when they see a church and outside it a sign saying

‘Convert to Christianity for £500.’

Moshe says, “I need the money. I have a family to feed. I am going to do it.”

He walks into the church as Abraham waits outside.

An hour later he comes out.

“So, did you get the money?” asked Abraham.

Moshe looked at him and said, “Is that all you people think about?”

MonkieSocks · 21-03-2019 4:38pm

Abel and Moshe were sitting in a bar when a Beautiful Blonde walked in.

Abel said "Hey, Moshe, I'd lend her one."

Bandana boy · 21-03-2019 4:45pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I remember my first ever visit to a Chinese restaurant.

I looked at the menu and asked “are those prawn crackers?’

“Nah” said the waiter, “ they just enjoy a good laugh”.

I don't get it ?

MonkieSocks · 22-03-2019 12:51am

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get it ?

The waiter misinterpreted was the customer was asking and thought he was asking if the Prawns...............were crackers(a bit mad)

MonkieSocks · 22-03-2019 12:54am

just pulled up to find some thieving fooker run out of the back door and jump over the fence.

The wife must've put up a good fight though.

She was half naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk.

mistersifter · 22-03-2019 12:57am

I was gonna do a one liner about Michael Jackson but then i thought better of it. It's just too much of a touchy subject.

J Cheevor Loophole · 22-03-2019 1:07am

Was thinking about telling a joke about the prevalence of cocaine usage in this country...but you have to draw a line somewhere.

MonkieSocks · 24-03-2019 7:26pm

A man gets a terminal diagnosis from the doctor.

"I'm really sorry," the doctor tells him.

"It is terminal. You have six months to live, and the bill comes to €10,000"

He says "I cant repay that in six months"

Doctor says " OK, I'll give you a year"

MonkieSocks · 25-03-2019 11:12pm

I cycled to the off licence yesterday, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the cycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought that if I fell off the bike the bottle would break.

So, to be on the safe side, I drank the whisky before I cycled home.

it turned out to be a very good decision as I fell off my bike 7 times on the way home.

MonkieSocks · 26-03-2019 8:16pm

William Shakespeare walked into a pub.

The landlord said, "Get out - yer barred!"

MonkieSocks · 27-03-2019 1:38am

My missus asked me if I had thought about how I would like die.

I said " making mad passionate love to you my darling".

She said "It'll be a quick death then"

:rolleyes:

greenspurs · 27-03-2019 5:35pm

Why is abbreviation such a long word ?

Ragnar Lothbrok · 27-03-2019 6:41pm

My son's favourite joke (courtesy of The Simpsons):

Q: What's the best time to go to the dentist?

A: 2.30

(Tooth-hurty

)

MonkieSocks · 28-03-2019 1:18am

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap,

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

MonkieSocks · 30-03-2019 12:52am

My three favourite things are eating my children and not using commas...

MonkieSocks · 30-03-2019 5:11pm

Waiter: "Good evening, Sir. Would you like to hear the specials?"

Diner: "Yes, please."

Waiter: "This town (aaah aaah), is coming like a ghost town".

J Cheevor Loophole · 30-03-2019 8:20pm

The Principal of a balloon school ordered a balloon pupil to her office, after a pin was found in his hand. She said..
Michael !! If I hear you have a pin in here again, you're going to let me down, yourself down and the whole school down.

MonkieSocks · 02-04-2019 11:11pm

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M62 near Brighouse recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

One-Liner Jokes

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