What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland · 21-05-2020 12:29pm

Fireball81 wrote: »

Off the throne and into the shower without a wipe, some lovely mint smelling shower gel foam to wash the ring piece. .

Do you not find the mint gel a bit too “tingly”?

Never enjoyed that “cold” feeling around the balls and badge.

gerrybbadd · 21-05-2020 12:34pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Do you not find the mint gel a bit too “tingly”?

Never enjoyed that “cold” feeling around the balls and badge.

Twasn't only the ball and barse either - he got back in for seconds and wore the helmet and banjo string off himself as well with it.

armaghlad · 21-05-2020 12:34pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Do you not find the mint gel a bit too “tingly”?

Never enjoyed that “cold” feeling around the balls and badge.

Would second that. Not a pleasant sensation at all. That mint and tea tree oil is a horrible combination. A coconut/Shea butter man myself.

Slideways · 22-05-2020 9:35am

Last week whilst working the camp food started to have a very detrimental affect on the bowls.

I was constipated to fùckery. Was sitting on gods telephone rocking from left to right arse cheek just trying to get the **** out. Visibly sweating and no doubt redder than a young priests knees with the straining. Just as I was about to pass the point of no return the toilet door opened and someone took up position in the only other stall.
Dropping his strides noisily he let rip with a monstrous fart before i heard him sit down.
Getting the bolus moving again took some more quiet straining and finally it stretched the balloon knot to unbefore reached territory and *PLOOOOOOOP*, hit the water like a brick being dropped off the side of the QMII

From next door the voice of the only aboriginal who works with us "hey, dat was a big poo yew jus dropped der boy'

Fùck me dead, I nearly lost it. Took all my willpower to not burst out laughing. Certainly eased the blood pressure though after punting out the closest thing to an international rules ball.

Just to add to his complete lack of etiquette he came out of the stall before i had managed to wash my hands and vacate the premises!

Class MayDresser · 22-05-2020 9:51pm

Is this kind of humour acceptable here?, not so sure. Seems a bit infantile but I laughed, a good bit.

Go and have a look at the size of the sh1t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.
"No thanks," she replied.
"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."
Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."
I said, "It's on the weighing scales".

Brendan Bendar · 22-05-2020 10:14pm

Infantile is good.

JohnnyFlash · 22-05-2020 10:25pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Infantile is good.

Levity seems to have gone out of fashion, Brendan.

EmmetSpiceland · 22-05-2020 11:59pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Levity seems to have gone out of fashion, Brendan.

Certainly on here, J. You’re not wrong.

Lots of, unfunny, mindless drone types mopping around giving out about “how you can’t talk to woman these days” or “why won’t people buy Bitcoin, don’t they know it’s the future?”.

You know the sort, the ones with no “internal dialogue” who only really seem to be on this earth to simply make up the numbers.

Real saddos.

Brendan Bendar · 24-05-2020 8:11pm

Left a load like a saddle of fresh pork in the en-suite earlier.

Forgot to flush her.

Things are not good right now.

Pintman Paddy Losty · 24-05-2020 8:30pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Left a load like a saddle of fresh pork in the en-suite earlier.

Forgot to flush her.

Things are not good right now.

Mrs Bendar burning the ear off ya?

Hotblack Desiato · 26-05-2020 6:12pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

From what I gather, all from other sources, it’s cream, followed by a “procedure” known as “banding” where they sort of clamp the ‘roid to cut off its blood supply.

Don't they castrate sheep in a very similar fashion?

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I seem to remember one thread “contributor” complaining about a hard cut of leek, that had been served in his dinner

Not as bad as the after effects of drunkenly wolfing down a packet or two of inadequately chewed Doritos. It was as if I'd eaten a box of Brillo pads.

Nevin Parsnipp · 26-05-2020 10:22pm

had a bit of a Gut this morn ...and was sommat concerned that it might be related to the chicken wings that I cooked on the barbi the previous evening !

Considered a few Rennie lozzies but went for the more natural approach and dropped the breeks in the "good" kludgie.

Strained out a pebbelly knott of laquered shiny midden which pinged of the can like fcukin hailstones....thankfully I had a moistened facecloth to wipe the fcukin sweat orf my brow ...and do the minimal clean up lower down ...

Felt much better ....no drama ...just thought I would share ...

Hotblack Desiato · 27-05-2020 12:18am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mecSt5PwTdo

Pintman Paddy Losty · 27-05-2020 11:03am

Hotback Desiato. Don't post in this thread again.

JohnnyFlash · 27-05-2020 1:43pm

Don’t know if I’ve a touch of that gluten intolerance thing that every fücking ballbag and arsehole seems to have these days.

Made a roast chicken and stuffing roll for the lunch yesterday and haven’t been right since. It’s the farts. They’d curdle the milk in your tea from the next room. Awful. I’m blaming the stuffing.

Lewis_Benson · 27-05-2020 9:02pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Don’t know if I’ve a touch of that gluten intolerance thing that every fücking ballbag and arsehole seems to have these days.

Made a roast chicken and stuffing roll for the lunch yesterday and haven’t been right since. It’s the farts. They’d curdle the milk in your tea from the next room. Awful. I’m blaming the stuffing.

Not enough roughage ted.

Brendan Bendar · 27-05-2020 9:12pm

Took on a large bowl of porridge at 0705 this morning.

Sprayed a thin mist of light floury midden over the pan like a coating of fawn plaster at 0743.

Very satisfactory.

Left ‘ground zero’ a little ‘waffled’ but easily cleaned up.

Are you listening Johnny Flash.

Lewis_Benson · 28-05-2020 9:21am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Took on a large bowl of porridge at 0705 this morning.

Sprayed a thin mist of light floury midden over the pan like a coating of fawn plaster at 0743.

Very satisfactory.

Left ‘ground zero’ a little ‘waffled’ but easily cleaned up.

Are you listening Johnny Flash.

Nothing to do with the porridge man.

Brendan Bendar · 28-05-2020 12:59pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Nothing to do with the porridge man.

Some nice pockets of oatmeal in the big log?

Lewis_Benson · 28-05-2020 11:11pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Some nice pockets of oatmeal in the big log?

Not after 40 mins man, twas something else.

Slideways · 29-05-2020 2:20am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Not after 40 mins man, twas something else.

Brendo used to be a big fella. Like enormous, dropped 150kg after a gastric bypass. Food now falls through him like a Pinball game abandoned by its user

auspicious · 29-05-2020 2:31am

Having read the first post and not the five thousand in between , I'm sure this thread has digressed.

snoopboggybog · 29-05-2020 2:59am

Can relate

Hotblack Desiato · 29-05-2020 1:09pm

in fairness, it's only when it all goes wrong that you really appreciate the sheer everyday pleasure of a good shite.

partyguinness · 29-05-2020 1:56pm

snoopboggybog wrote: »

Can relate

That wan is clearly very uncomfortable with her sexuality and struggles with being a woman.

EmmetSpiceland · 29-05-2020 2:19pm

partyguinness wrote: »

That wan is clearly very uncomfortable with her sexuality and struggles with being a woman.

Sounds like you may be “afflicted” with something similar yourself there, P.

Just sayin’, you know?

JohnnyFlash · 29-05-2020 2:24pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Not enough roughage ted.

auspicious wrote: »

Having read the first post and not the five thousand in between , I'm sure this thread has digressed.

Well it was hardly likely to digress into a debate on the economic implications of the reduced output of coal from the mines of North Rhine-Westphalia?

It's a laser focused discussion on a matter that the vast majority of people on the planet encounter on a daily basis. Even though there's a large number of severely 'bound up' individuals around here who would appear to 'go' only once a week.

partyguinness · 29-05-2020 2:33pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Sounds like you may be “afflicted” with something similar yourself there, P.

Just sayin’, you know?

That is well below the belt Emmet and simply not the case. I am saddened and a little emotional that you would resort to innuendos. This should be a safe place...:(

EmmetSpiceland · 29-05-2020 2:38pm

partyguinness wrote: »

That is well below the belt Emmet and simply not the case. I am saddened and a little emotional that you would resort to innuendos. This should be a safe place...:(

Apologies, P, you’re right. I, gladly, retract my statement. It was a knee jerk reaction to what I, now mistakenly, saw as “projecting”.

Hope there’s no lasting damage and may your movements be, ever, smooth.

Hotblack Desiato · 29-05-2020 2:58pm

partyguinness wrote: »

That wan is clearly very uncomfortable with her sexuality and struggles with being a woman.

A woman can take pleasure in a good shyte same as any man. I'm egalitarian in such matters.

Fireball81 · 29-05-2020 10:43pm

Jesus christ, enjoying a few beers with mates earlier in an outdoor setting, social distancing obviously.

Needed a piss so went to a quiet corner to do my business and when forcing out a bit.....err pushed too much and experienced ****e leakage in my jocks (am a briefs man).

I'm having problems with skodmsrks and other accidental damage to the undercrackers during these COVID-19 times - anyone else?

snoopboggybog · 30-05-2020 7:29am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Apologies, P, you’re right. I, gladly, retract my statement. It was a knee jerk reaction to what I, now mistakenly, saw as “projecting”.

Hope there’s no lasting damage and may your movements be, ever, smooth.

Fireball81 wrote: »

Jesus christ, enjoying a few beers with mates earlier in an outdoor setting, social distancing obviously.

Needed a piss so went to a quiet corner to do my business and when forcing out a bit.....err pushed too much and experienced ****e leakage in my jocks (am a briefs man).

I'm having problems with skodmsrks and other accidental damage to the undercrackers during these COVID-19 times - anyone else?

Happened me a few weeks ago after a few days on the beer, thought it was going to be a vicious fart but instead it was like a rifle went off with liquid poop in the barrell. Reached the back of the knee.

Brendan Bendar · 30-05-2020 7:46am

snoopboggybog wrote: »

Happened me a few weeks ago after a few days on the beer, thought it was going to be a vicious fart but instead it was like a rifle went off with liquid poop in the barrell. Reached the back of the knee.

After a few days on the beer you don’t risk ‘clearing your throat’.

Was topeing with a few lads outside the clubhouse when one in
the group got up to visit the bog.

He was wearing what might be termed ‘scoutmaster shorts’ like Flash might wear, big wide flappers like elephants ears.

Anyway, tried to break wind en route but unfortunately blew a thick gout of loose midden which the jocks couldn’t contain.

Had some cleaning up to do down to the ankles!!!

Class MayDresser · 30-05-2020 8:07am

Happened me once on a canoeing trip down the Mosel, drinking a bag of cans I'd hanging over the side of the canoe.
Just came out of nowhere, all I know was I had bought some cheap tack from one of the cheaper German superstores. Tuborg if I remember rightly. A pellet blast of warm soupy bile down the shorts.
Lucky thing was I was able to rush to the fore and hang the hoop over the side. I squatted down locking my foot under one of the cross members of the floor structure, a cantilever, and dipped my arse gently over the side into the clean cool river waters.
I won't delve in too much but such was the sensation I dipped the two balls in as well for a few minutes. Christ it was unbelievable, almost spiritual, me and nature as one nurturing each other as I emptied my bowels.
It all turned to tears at the end though as I dried myself off and went back to my bag of cans in the back (aft?), all the sh1tty debris from my arsebath had floated back the length of the canoe into my bag of cans. Had to wash them down just to clear the pullrings clean of my own excrement.

Brendan Bendar · 30-05-2020 9:46am

Class MayDresser wrote: »

Happened me once on a canoeing trip down the Mosel, drinking a bag of cans I'd hanging over the side of the canoe.
Just came out of nowhere, all I know was I had bought some cheap tack from one of the cheaper German superstores. Tuborg if I remember rightly. A pellet blast of warm soupy bile down the shorts.
Lucky thing was I was able to rush to the fore and hang the hoop over the side. I squatted down locking my foot under one of the cross members of the floor structure, a cantilever, and dipped my arse gently over the side into the clean cool river waters.
I won't delve in too much but such was the sensation I dipped the two balls in as well for a few minutes. Christ it was unbelievable, almost spiritual, me and nature as one nurturing each other as I emptied my bowels.
It all turned to tears at the end though as I dried myself off and went back to my bag of cans in the back (aft?), all the sh1tty debris from my arsebath had floated back the length of the canoe into my bag of cans. Had to wash them down just to clear the pullrings clean of my own excrement.

The Mosel you say......:eek:

You got off lucky pal, particularly aggressive pike in those waters pal, due to the high sewage discharge.Hungry hoors they are, snap at anything

Row of gnashers on the fcuker that could snip the klackers off a lad quanto rapido.

Hanging the cluster with a stream of fresh midden coming from the outlet pipe near by in those waters.........not a good idea.

You got lucky.....

Class MayDresser · 30-05-2020 10:06am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The Mosel you say......:eek:

You got off lucky pal, particularly aggressive pike in those waters pal, due to the high sewage discharge.Hungry hoors they are, snap at anything

Row of gnashers on the fcuker that could snip the klackers off a lad quanto rapido.

Hanging the cluster with a stream of fresh midden coming from the outlet pipe near by in those waters.........not a good idea.

You got lucky.....

Didn't know that crikes!!!

Imagine if I was drinking pear cider or juniper beer or some modern fancy schmancy craft beer, something sweet like that they'd have latched on like a newly born baby hippo.
Thank Christ it was that acidy Tuborg stuff,it literally saved my ass.
You've lifted my spirits immeasurably, might do the lotto!

JohnnyFlash · 30-05-2020 11:13am

Extremely loose and watery discharge this morning. Covered the back wall of the pan with thick sheets of tangerine coloured scour. The hoop itself is pulsing and red hot. Expecting further discharges in the afternoon.

Blaming the two bottles of red wine I drank last night. Also had a few ‘tokes’ on the Mary Jane. Bad combo. Have a goo on me already for 4 Star pizza. But that’s going to put the digestive system completely out of whack altogether.

Bad start to the day. Smell a ban coming up tbh.

Hotblack Desiato · 01-06-2020 4:32pm

Class MayDresser wrote: »

It all turned to tears at the end though as I dried myself off and went back to my bag of cans in the back (aft?), all the sh1tty debris from my arsebath had floated back the length of the canoe into my bag of cans. Had to wash them down just to clear the pullrings clean of my own excrement.

Ironically, sewage contamination off the river water getting onto your cans is probably what gave you the sh1ts in the first place.

sligojoek · 04-06-2020 8:50pm

New invention on the market, Lads.

JohnnyFlash · 04-06-2020 8:51pm

On sale in Aldi from today.

sligojoek · 04-06-2020 8:55pm

I'd prefer the smell of sh1te to that of rhubarb

JohnnyFlash · 04-06-2020 9:00pm

sligojoek wrote: »

I'd prefer the smell of sh1te to that of rhubarb

It’s also available in lemon scent, Joe. And if you caught a whiff of the shîte I made circa 8.30 this morning then you’d take your chances with the rhubarb.

Keep your bathroom stocked with this Fabulosa Lemon Pre Toilet Spray. This handy little spray ensures there are none of those embarrassing loo odours lingering after your visit!

Features:
Portable
Hides embarassing loo odours
Beautifully fragranced
Lovely lemon scent

Fireball81 · 04-06-2020 9:22pm

Will definitely be stocking up at Aldi, the VIPoo is a good but pricier.

A mixed week on the ****e front, had the squirts earlier but put that down to the cold spicy pizza I had at breakfast (wife wasnt well last night so I was on cooking duty last night).

Aglomerado · 04-06-2020 10:32pm

sligojoek wrote: »

I'd prefer the smell of sh1te to that of rhubarb

Poo-barb
I have that VIPoo stuff in one of my jackses. I'm always in a hurry for a shyte though so never think of spraying it in.

Class MayDresser · 04-06-2020 11:02pm

Can't understand the animosity towards rhubarb tbh. Isn't oxalic acid the stuff they use in dry cleaners to remove collar stains?
Surely someone has shoved a rhubard stick up le passage derriere to do a self-rinse or a Gwyneth Paltrow here, or would that stuff be frowned upon? The joys of apartment living on my behalf I suppose. If feedback was positive I'd consider doing a window box or something.

Slideways · 04-06-2020 11:17pm

Have been cursed once again with the silly string schidts.

Were you that way inclined I reckon you could get your grandma to knit you a beanie with them.

Not sure what brings about this unpleasant phenomenon but it makes for a arduous pooping experience.

Rodney Bathgate · 04-06-2020 11:19pm

Slideways wrote: »

Have been cursed once again with the silly string schidts.

Were you that way inclined I reckon you could get your grandma to knit you a beanie with them.

Not sure what brings about this unpleasant phenomenon but it makes for a arduous pooping experience.

You would be some ****head wearing that beanie.

JohnnyFlash · 05-06-2020 12:08am

Slideways wrote: »

Have been cursed once again with the silly string schidts.

Were you that way inclined I reckon you could get your grandma to knit you a beanie with them.

Not sure what brings about this unpleasant phenomenon but it makes for a arduous pooping experience.

What’s the diet like, dude?

Hotblack Desiato · 05-06-2020 12:51am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Features:
Portable
Hides embarassing loo odours

Not a problem if you don't consider them embarrassing. And hey it's not like we're having visitors any time soon

sligojoek · 05-06-2020 1:00am

Since the schools closed my teenagers have learnt that you don't go "Under the stairs" till after lunch. As bad as I am, the missus is worse. I normally "get in" first.

What's the etiquette here??

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