Sh*te your co-workers say

Deebles McBeebles · 14-03-2019 1:25pm

Elmo wrote: »

how did they do?

I love that question and still can't figure out how to answer it

moycullen14 · 14-03-2019 1:41pm

Anyone involved with an American FDI will recognise the type. No more holiday's it'a all PTO, you don't contact someone, you reach out. Send an email? No, connect via email. Any communication mechanism is now a verb: 'I'll slack him'.

There seems to a special class of idiot that thrives in these twilight environments. Generally unsuccessful in life because they have the personality of an amoeba - infinitely squashable. Working for a US company allows them to soar in an environment where their particular brand of unctuous pandering seems to be appreciated.
Of course, our American brothers will ride the poor divil until he collapses. Emails at all hours of the day and night, endless pointless 'projects'. For sure, the world will stop turning when he takes some PTO(qv) so he never does. 'They only have 10 days leave a year in the US and it doesn't do them any harm' (Actually, it does but carry on!)

The problem with working for Americans is not the Americans, it's the Irish who can't get over their inferiority complex.

Boom_Bap · 14-03-2019 1:48pm

Let's take that offline......just f*cking say you don't know and that you'll find out.

somesoldiers · 14-03-2019 2:07pm

Feisar wrote: »

A lot of people do that, well when I worked in such and such...

I have a lad like that, my reaponse “If it was so great why didn’t you ffin stay there”

fancy pigeon · 14-03-2019 3:06pm

There's one loud, insensitive, self loathing, insecure gobby moron that will not shut up throughout the day, talking about generic gossip/bollox/being quite unfunny to say the least. How he any work gets done is beyond me

Now that I've resigned from here I'll never ever have to hear that ape ever again

facehugger99 · 14-03-2019 3:10pm

'I can top that' guy.

Every fcuking conversation and anecdote, he has to chime in with one of his own stories that is apparently even more interesting.

I you went out last night for 3 or 4 pints, you can be sure he went out for 6. If you were once mugged at knife-point, he was robbed at gunpoint and if you're heading to Tenerife on holidays then he's just back from Elevenerife.

Just shut the fcuk up for once - it's not a competition

tcawley29 · 14-03-2019 3:31pm

I have a new favorite thread :pac:

Nigel Fairservice · 14-03-2019 3:45pm

ThunderCat wrote: »

The people in my place only do a lotto syndicate when the euromillions creeps above 80 million. And then they spend the whole time before the draw saying it's too much money, that they would only want 300k and they wouldn't know what to do with it all.

This is more or less how the lotto works in my office.

After the ticket is bought everyone will remember poor Mary who was off the day when the money was being collected. Talk turns to how sickened Mary will be when when she has to go to work on Monday morning when we are all off in Dublin collecting the winnings.

ellejay · 14-03-2019 3:56pm

DaeryssaOne wrote: »

The whistler / singer of the first line of a song - every 60 seconds or so. The song more than likely won't change during those 8 hours but by the next day he'll have a brand new one ready to ruin and irritate the absolute s**t out of you so you can never listen to it again. In five years the man has ruined a lot of songs for me.

I nearly had to be institutionalised because of a whistler.

So I kept up a steady stream of inane conversation as much as I could.
Funnily enough he moved desks!!!!

Stone Deaf 4evr · 14-03-2019 4:13pm

used to work with a lad who had the most disgusting habit of spitting, not big globs of snotty stuff, it was like he was making the phyiscal motion and only expelling the bare minimum, he'd do it everywhere, even sitting at his desk, or up on the dashboard of the van. What an oddball.

mayo londoner · 14-03-2019 4:22pm

Not so much what a person says but what he does.

Lad in my work (takes everything extremely seriously and is the office arsehole), only a shortarse and thinks he's a lot higher up than he is, shares everything, and I mean everything company related on Linkedin so a director will see that he's licking hole, also makes a point of saying 'Oh I was reading about this over the weekend' numerous times if having a conversation about a project with a director, come to think of it, I can't ever recall him having a conversation that isn't work related, a sad sad individual.

Also the office food critic (normally a vegan), need to be shot with balls of their own ****e!!

amcalester · 14-03-2019 4:29pm

Colonel Claptrap wrote: »

Anyone else gingerly reading each post - hoping it's not written by your colleague about you?

I'm taking notes and planning on trying these out with some of my more annoying colleagues, fight fire with fire.

yourdeadwright · 14-03-2019 4:35pm

mayo londoner wrote: »

Not so much what a person says but what he does.

Lad in my work (takes everything extremely seriously and is the office arsehole), only a shortarse and thinks he's a lot higher up than he is, shares everything, and I mean everything company related on Linkedin so a director will see that he's licking hole, also makes a point of saying 'Oh I was reading about this over the weekend' numerous times if having a conversation about a project with a director, come to think of it, I can't ever recall him having a conversation that isn't work related, a sad sad individual.

Also the office food critic (normally a vegan), need to be shot with balls of their own ****e!!

What has him being short got to do with it :pac::pac: , that made me laugh

davidk1394 · 14-03-2019 4:37pm

I started reading this thread this morning and found it funny until about page 4/5 from then on I just got depressed. I’m farming and sometimes I’d say that I’d love a 9-5 job for a while. After reading these comments I think I’ll stay farming for another while.
Just out of interest could ye start a poll and see how many people actually enjoy their job ?

Deebles McBeebles · 14-03-2019 4:40pm

davidk1394 wrote: »

I started reading this thread this morning and found it funny until about page 4/5 from then on I just got depressed. I’m farming and sometimes I’d say that I’d love a 9-5 job for a while. After reading these comments I think I’ll stay farming for another while.

Cows won't rob your lunch out of the fridge, you're better off!

Sardonicat · 14-03-2019 4:40pm

corner of hells wrote: »

We've two ,

A vegan , lactose intolerant streak of ****e who's allergic to everything.

And born again Christian who uses biblical quotations in her emails .

Both are so consumed by their inane lives they haven't noticed each other.

Trap em in the lift together.

Sardonicat · 14-03-2019 4:40pm

corner of hells wrote: »

We've two ,

A vegan , lactose intolerant streak of ****e who's allergic to everything.

And born again Christian who uses biblical quotations in her emails .

Both are so consumed by their inane lives they haven't noticed each other.

Trap em in the lift together.

Boom_Bap · 14-03-2019 4:41pm

And the cows probably fart less that your coworkers and smell better.

Odelay · 14-03-2019 4:42pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

'I can top that' guy.

Every fcuking conversation and anecdote, he has to chime in with one of his own stories that is apparently even more interesting.

I you went out last night for 3 or 4 pints, you can be sure he went out for 6. If you were once mugged at knife-point, he was robbed at gunpoint and if you're heading to Tenerife on holidays then he's just back from Elevenerife.

Just shut the fcuk up for once - it's not a competition

That’s not so bad. I’ve to deal with two of those types here:(

davidk1394 · 14-03-2019 4:46pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Cows won't rob your lunch out of the fridge, you're better off!

Ooh yeah ??

red petal · 14-03-2019 4:49pm

I used to work in a call centre and one of the guys on my team used to sit there picking his nose and eating it. He'd try cover it up using the other hand but we could all blatantly see and it was vile. Funny thing was, his sister was the team leader and it baffled us how she never pulled him up on it, if not for us, for him at the very least.

On that same team, there was another woman (married with children) thought nothing of sticking her chewing gum to the underneath of the desk! As it was a call centre, your seating was sometimes rotated and not very pleasant when you got it stuck to your knees! Vile!

facehugger99 · 14-03-2019 4:52pm

I used to work with a well-endowed lady, who would always wear low-cut tops. it felt like she was daring you to stare at her tits so she could label you the office perv to her buddies.

It's extremely difficult not to stare at someones tits if they lean over your desk and plop them right in you eyeline.

I'm convinced that she saw herself as some sort of 'Bridget Jones' type character.

Aglomerado · 14-03-2019 4:54pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

Trap em in the lift together.

...After the lactose intolerant vegan has been fed a pint of milk.
Hey presto! Gas chamber!

L1011 · 14-03-2019 4:55pm

moycullen14 wrote: »

you don't contact someone, you reach out.

Repeately making Four Tops references about this sometimes stops them doing it.

Seanieke · 14-03-2019 4:55pm

"Why don't you have a voicemail....."

LollipopJimmy · 14-03-2019 5:00pm

We have one here who is preaching about the keto diet and telling me I should try it. I'm in fight camp now and the last few weeks it's become really noticeable that I've lost a ****load of weight (13kg since Christmas) yet Nelly the ****ing elephant won't leave me alone.

Deebles McBeebles · 14-03-2019 5:00pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

I used to work with a well-endowed lady, who would always wear low-cut tops. it felt like she was daring you to stare at her tits so she could label you the office perv to her buddies.

It's extremely difficult not to stare at someones tits if they lean over your desk and plop them right in you eyeline.

I'm convinced that she saw herself as some sort of 'Bridget Jones' type character.

Pick one of the better pics out of your gallery and give us a look....perv! :cool:

Sardonicat · 14-03-2019 5:00pm

Seanieke wrote: »

"Why don't you have a voicemail....."

You're NOT on Facebook! ? Gasp!

J. Marston · 14-03-2019 5:08pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

I used to work with a well-endowed lady, who would always wear low-cut tops. it felt like she was daring you to stare at her tits so she could label you the office perv to her buddies.

It's extremely difficult not to stare at someones tits if they lean over your desk and plop them right in you eyeline.

I'm convinced that she saw herself as some sort of 'Bridget Jones' type character.

Two can play at that game...

greenspurs · 14-03-2019 5:18pm

JustAThought wrote: »

Office octagenarian fumbling towards death,holding down a part tume job he should never have been sympathy given by his CEO friend while decades of unpaid highly qualified 'inrerns' do it and run rings around.him while ge fuddies duddies througu stories of his youth 'in my day...' while showing them how he can send a text or use email on his tablet AND PC while eating their lunches, sending them to the shop for him or making them listen to hour after appalling hour of droning personal stories.Meanwhile the rest of work and carry his load.

Women who whinge endlessly about their diet/fat/bad hair/skin usially while stuffing charity bags of chrisps and bars down their throats.

The ignore the problem brigade who moan vocifirously about anything they can fix and then say its not their job to do/fix/improve it. **** or get off the pot.

PS
People who sneeky vape at their desks. Do.you think Im going to suffocate in silence and not report your poisoning me ? Seriously.

You can type with your nose ?? :rolleyes:

Wanderer2010 · 14-03-2019 5:26pm

Women of the workplace who have children:

Why oh why do you talk about them so much? Even if you don't think you are one of those women who drone on about their kids first words, their nightly routine, their habits in school, what they watch on tv etc etc, take an objective look back at how often you mention your kids. Here is a bit of advice for you: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR KIDS.

What ever happened to just leaving your personal life at the door and just simply doing your work, these women who spend their whole working day talking about their kids make me sick.

uch · 14-03-2019 5:32pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

I used to work with a well-endowed lady, who would always wear low-cut tops. it felt like she was daring you to stare at her tits so she could label you the office perv to her buddies.

It's extremely difficult not to stare at someones tits if they lean over your desk and plop them right in you eyeline.

I'm convinced that she saw herself as some sort of 'Bridget Jones' type character.

I worked with a woman like that, first time she done it I just said 'Nice Funbags' and she never bothered me again, just all the other lads

yourdeadwright · 14-03-2019 5:36pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Women of the workplace who have children:

Why oh why do you talk about them so much? Even if you don't think you are one of those women who drone on about their kids first words, their nightly routine, their habits in school, what they watch on tv etc etc, take an objective look back at how often you mention your kids. Here is a bit of advice for you: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR KIDS.

What ever happened to just leaving your personal life at the door and just simply doing your work, these women who spend their whole working day talking about their kids make me sick.

I gotta say this is one I don't mind, a mother love for there kids is just natural your own mother more thank likely did the same ,

Eve as a dad im guilty as hell at doing this ,

TaurenDruid · 14-03-2019 5:41pm

The guy who arrives into our office every day following football being on the TV night before, to talk about it for 15 minutes. The guys who indulge him...

The woman who repeats everything she says in a very slightly different way. The woman who says things twice, just slightly differently.

The person with the foghorn voice that's so loud I can hear their "quiet" conversations with the person next to them from 30 metres away; and they raise their voice whenever they're on the phone (because the other person is far away?)

But the worst isn't anything anyone says, it's what they do. What kind of man-child p1sses on a toilet seat and doesn't clean up after themselves? Apparently the one or more in my office! :mad:

Zorya · 14-03-2019 5:48pm

TaurenDruid wrote: »

The woman who says things twice, just slightly differently.

Oh no! I do that at home in my kitchen. And maybe even three or four times in different ways. I thought it was me being creative about trying to get himself to give a single damn about the boring but necessary parts of life I just mentioned...three or four times...slightly differently... five or six times ...ahem

Wanderer2010 · 14-03-2019 5:49pm

yourdeadwright wrote: »

I gotta say this is one I don't mind, a mother love for there kids is just natural your own mother more thank likely did the same ,

Eve as a dad im guilty as hell at doing this ,

I asked my own mother about this and she said no, hardly anyone spoke about their kids once the clock in machine started back in her workplace. It seems to be a generational thing where mothers these days think that they were the only ones to ever give birth. Holding their stomach 24/7, sharing scans with people who just want to get their work done and generally sharing every single detail of their pregnancy with anyone within earshot.
Its called work for a reason and these women who waffle on endlessly about their kids are absolute bores of the highest order. Nothing wrong with loving your kids, but park it for the workday or you risk looking very unprofessional.

yourdeadwright · 14-03-2019 5:53pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I asked my own mother about this and she said no, hardly anyone spoke about their kids once the clock in machine started back in her workplace. It seems to be a generational thing where mothers these days think that they were the only ones to ever give birth. Holding their stomach 24/7, sharing scans with people who just want to get their work done and generally sharing every single detail of their pregnancy with anyone within earshot.
Its called work for a reason and these women who waffle on endlessly about their kids are absolute bores of the highest order. Nothing wrong with loving your kids, but park it for the workday or you risk looking very unprofessional.

If its constant I feel your pain ,

Sardonicat · 14-03-2019 5:56pm

uch wrote: »

facehugger99 wrote: »

I used to work with a well-endowed lady, who would always wear low-cut tops. it felt like she was daring you to stare at her tits so she could label you the office perv to her buddies.

It's extremely difficult not to stare at someones tits if they lean over your desk and plop them right in you eyeline.

I'm convinced that she saw herself as some sort of 'Bridget Jones' type character.

I worked with a woman like that, first time she done it I just said 'Nice Funbags' and she never bothered me again, just all the other lads

Did she not bother you again cos she didn't know where the dole queue was?

Red Lightning · 14-03-2019 5:56pm

'Where are you throwing me?'

Zorya · 14-03-2019 5:57pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

where mothers these days think that they were the only ones to ever give birth. Holding their stomach 24/7, sharing scans with people who just want to get their work done and generally sharing every single detail of their pregnancy with anyone within earshot.

.

The holding the stomach lark :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: That Meghan Markle one must have her hand accidentally glued onto the front of every frock. It's kind of weird.

Deebles McBeebles · 14-03-2019 5:58pm

"What are you doing in the ladies toilets?"

Wanderer2010 · 14-03-2019 6:04pm

Zorya wrote: »

The holding the stomach lark :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: That Meghan Markle one must have her hand accidentally glued onto the front of every frock. It's kind of weird.

Mad. Makes you wonder how women who had 15 kids managed just fine years ago with no boring on or sharing scans etc. Its a side effect of how narcissistic this generation is.

major bill · 14-03-2019 6:06pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

"What are you doing in the ladies toilets?"

I know, Seriously like, I get that all the time!!

DEFTLEFTHAND · 14-03-2019 6:18pm

Zorya wrote: »

The holding the stomach lark :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: That Meghan Markle one must have her hand accidentally glued onto the front of every frock. It's kind of weird.

Jesus she's painful.

Is it the son of God that she's carrying?

dresden8 · 14-03-2019 7:46pm

Wrong proxy thread

Hotblack Desiato · 14-03-2019 8:05pm

uch wrote: »

I worked with a woman like that, first time she done it I just said 'Nice Funbags'

Lucky not to get your P45.

TaurenDruid wrote: »

The person with the foghorn voice that's so loud I can hear their "quiet" conversations with the person next to them from 30 metres away; and they raise their voice whenever they're on the phone (because the other person is far away?)

F**k loud people. We had one really loud guy and when he was leaving we thought great! Then he was replaced with an equally loud arsehole

Also f**k people with no concept of personal space, I don't want to be able to see your fillings or the hairs up your nose, thanks. I can hear you perfectly fine from a metre or two away.

But the worst isn't anything anyone says, it's what they do. What kind of man-child p1sses on a toilet seat and doesn't clean up after themselves? Apparently the one or more in my office! :mad:

Just before Christmas in work we had someone sh1t on the toilet floor on purpose, step in it and walk it all over the landing carpet. Had to get professional cleaners in

erica74 · 14-03-2019 8:13pm

"oh I don't eat nuts because they're too high in calories" said while eating a king size pot noodle followed by a packet of crisps

devlinio · 14-03-2019 8:16pm

erica74 wrote: »

"oh I don't eat nuts because they're too high in calories" said while eating a king size pot noodle followed by a packet of crisps

That didn't happen did it? A pot noodle is like 600 calories.:eek:

erica74 · 14-03-2019 8:18pm

devlinio wrote: »

That didn't happen did it? A pot noodle is like 600 calories.:eek:

Yep, she said it 2 days in a row, the second day she was eating chips covered in curry sauce

My response on the first day was "nobody asked you" and on the second day it was "nobody asked you yesterday and nobody asked you today".

mfceiling · 14-03-2019 8:34pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

"What are you doing in the ladies toilets?"

Taking a sh*t.

Sh*te your co-workers say

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