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Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

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    #32
    Jon Stark
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,304 ✭✭✭Jon Stark


    Faith wrote: »
    What's her rationale for leaving you out? Awareness of you being awkward and worrying that you might not be comfortable being in the bridal party, or is she just being a thoughtless/cruel bitch?

    Rationale is irrelevant tbh, if she thought the op might not be comfortable she should of just sat her down and say "look I'd love it if you were to do it but I know it's not your thing, so it's to you, no drama either way." It doesn't make sense to drop one sibling without an explanation as wires are bound to be crossed.

    Sounds like the op was given no such courtesy so to be frank, the sister can go and do one.


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    #33
    yankinlk
    Registered Users Posts: 2,731 ✭✭✭yankinlk


    Heckler wrote: »

    Occasions like this bring out the worst in people.

    +1

    So does this forum.

    You are her sister? She asked u to help pick out her dress? U are offended by that?

    Seriously ... get a life and be happy. Stop asking strangers on the internet to make decisions for you. All they want is another crazy wedding thread to follow.


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    #34
    didntgotoplan
    Registered Users Posts: 236 ✭✭didntgotoplan


    Mrs OBumble - I'm not going to sabotage the things she wants me to do, that is just wasting my time and I don't want to give her it to fuel any other drama or fights that comes along. Plus she is my sister, not my enemy just a really spiteful sister.

    I think she is ashamed of me as I don't look like the rest of the party - I'm around a size 14/16, they are all 8/10's . I dye my hair odd colours (pink/purple/blue etc.) and they don't (even though I went brunette for my other sisters wedding).

    CaraMay - My other sister is not mean to me, but there is a 10 year age gap so we were not really the same generation. We just have completely different interests so never wanted to do things together but we still get on and have a laugh when we do something together. We help each other out if we needed to do so.

    Oryx - The soon to be bride has backstabbed me before, she has stolen boyfriends from me and my littlesister (granted not great boyfriends :P), we once went on holiday together as she booked it when she was with one of her ex's and she left with some fella a few days in and I didn't see her until the day we came home despite her promising that its going to be a girly holiday. She is the type to always have had a boyfriend or someone better to move on to and I have shown disapproval for this before.

    I've spoke to my parents and they think that I should be upset and outraged. My dad said to go the revenge route while my mom wants to say something to my sister but she is worried my sister will remove access to her grandkids.

    Jenny Thalia - I don't want a relationship with my sister, I've stopped trying and make her come to me if there is something she wants - I just don't know why I'm being treated this way and more annoyed about why she is purposely leaving me out when my other siblings have done worse to her. My sister lies, she will probably said to other guests that I refused to get the time off work or I had better things to do etc.

    yankinlk - She didn't just ask me to help her pick out her wedding dress, she expects me to plan the visits to the wedding shops and other things that I think the bridal party should do. I wasn't asked, I was told. I'm very happy with my life but this one part of my family is annoying me and I'm not sure what to do. I'm asking strangers on the internet as I don't know anyone from my friends who this happened to and I can't say anything yet to them as the wedding is a surprise. I just need to vent....


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    #35
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Op you helped your other sister as you knew she would appreciate it. Your parents won't be upset if you don't help her so just don't. She said she told you rather than asked you so just do nothing. She calls you to find out when the appointments are and just say you don't know as it's not your job. She sounds a bit mental to be honest. Don't let yourself be trampled on anymore.


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    #36
    timetogo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 990 ✭✭✭timetogo


    didntgotoplan wrote: »
    My sister recently announced during a family dinner that every sibling, except me, will be in the bridal party. Except my sister wants me to plan all the stuff a MOH does so I can "be involved in the wedding" because her MOH (the future sister in law) is living abroad.

    http://www.bridalguide.com/etiquette/roles-responsibilities/who-does-what
    I'm not suggesting that the above link is a rule but it's a guide.

    Shouldn't the maid of honour be a close friend of hers. Is her future sister in law a close friend of hers? It sounds like her other half might be choosing for her. But that's her problem. Doesn't really need to be yours.

    As for being told you're going to plan the wedding. To hell with that. If you're close enough for it to be assumed you're going to be doing stuff then you're either close enough to her to be her MOH or youre a skivvy. Yeah her MOH is abroad. She can fall back on number 2 in the bridal party so.
    didntgotoplan wrote: »
    My sister lies, she will probably said to other guests that I refused to get the time off work or I had better things to do etc.

    People aren't that stupid. So what if she lies about you not planning the wedding. Anybody will just ask "but wasn't that the maid of honours job".


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    #37
    Redser87
    Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Redser87


    She has plenty of people to help her OP. You don't need to stoop to her level but now might be a good time to learn how to say a polite but assertive NO.


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    #38
    Stinjy
    Registered Users Posts: 785 ✭✭✭Stinjy


    I don't usually post in here but NO, OP you can see she's using you, don't fall for it just beacuse she's family!
    Tell her where to go ( to her bridal party ;) ). And if she removes access to the kids, while it's horrible for you , they're missing out and she'll probably be back... However if all you say is truth it seems like you need to stick up for yourself and let her realise she can't use you like that!


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    #39
    littlenubbin85
    Registered Users Posts: 90 ✭✭littlenubbin85


    didntgotoplan wrote: »

    she wanted me to plan her hen party and be there when she picked out her dress and the bridesmaid dresses, organise different things such as flowers and invitations etc. like I did for my other sister. Not sure if these are normal MOH things though.

    I'm sorry but these are not normal MOH things. The only thing I expect of my MOH is to be happy with the dress she picked, to show up on the day and sign the register. Everything else is an added bonus.

    Planning her hen party is her bridesmaids job not yours. If she doesn't have faith in them to do it, then why did she pick them?

    This is really unfair of your sister. Organising flowers and invitations is her job not yours.


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    #40
    mayway
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 276 ✭✭mayway


    Hold the phone! Are you saying she's planning her wedding but has kids already?? Tell the dismal slapper to get lost. If I were you I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

    Tell her, to her face, that she has really hurt you by not including you in the wedding party.


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    #41
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Woah, get out of the dark ages there May. My two daughters are my bridesmaids and I'm no slapper.

    I don't think my husband to be would have asked me to marry him if I was either


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    #42
    mayway
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 276 ✭✭mayway


    I just read all your posts. The fact that you are concerned that you won't be invited if you don't help out is alarming. The course of action is simple. Firstly, tell her that you are really hurt that you weren't included and, as a result, you will not be attending her selfish pantomime under any circumstance. Secondly, draw a very clear line between what's right and wrong. Tell the rest of your family that what she did was utterly appalling and hurtful to you.


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    #43
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    mayway wrote: »
    Hold the phone! Are you saying she's planning her wedding but has kids already?? Tell the dismal slapper to get lost. If I were you I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

    Tell her, to her face, that she has really hurt you by not including you in the wedding party.

    mayway if you ever post something like that on this forum again, your posting privileges will be removed permanently.


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    #44
    mayway
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 276 ✭✭mayway


    And, by that I mean, you tell everyone that if they choose to attend this charade that you will no longer have anything to do with them. This cow has made a huge problem for you so you should state your position and then let her try and sort it out. Under no circumstance should you let this selfish pile of sh1t away with this. Be strong!


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    #45
    MadDog76
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,162 ✭✭✭MadDog76


    Heckler wrote: »
    What is it about weddings ?! I have a huge extended family and the usual caper was invite at least all the aunts and uncles. When I got married we just invited immediate family and close friends. Every aunt and uncle sent us very generous gifts despite not being invited.

    Occasions like this bring out the worst in people.

    What's that got to do with the Op's situation??? :confused:


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    #46
    mayway
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 276 ✭✭mayway


    More fool them. That was selfish.


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    #47
    MadDog76
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,162 ✭✭✭MadDog76


    Op you are a Guest of the Wedding, your responsibility ends there ........... show up, bring a gift, have dinner & drinks, a little dance and off to bed ......... done!


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    #48
    jennyhayes123
    Registered Users Posts: 471 ✭✭jennyhayes123


    I wouldn't help. I wouldn't cause a fuss and tell her what a user she is being but I wouldn't be used either. When she is planning/arranging these things just say your busy.
    If she is not going to think of your feelings why should you worry about hers


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    #49
    martinr5232
    Registered Users Posts: 2,298 ✭✭✭martinr5232


    mayway wrote:
    Hold the phone! Are you saying she's planning her wedding but has kids already?? Tell the dismal slapper to get lost. If I were you I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

    Maybe they should take the kids off her and send her to the laundry aswell.


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    #50
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    littlenubbin85 wrote: »
    You have absolutely no obligation to help her out if you're not a member of the bridal party.

    No, she's under no obligation to help because the bride is being a bitch to her, nothing to do with the fact she's not in a bridal party.

    OP, your sister is not your friend and if a person who was not related to you made these demands while treating you like crap, you would tell them to take a hike. Just because she is family, doesn't give her the right to treat you like this and make unreasonable demands. You are not her personal slave and I would refuse to help someone who treated me so poorly. Just tell her no, you're not helping her and tell her why - because she's a self-centred entitled cow!


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    #51
    mayway
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 276 ✭✭mayway


    Well I wouldn't go to a wedding like that.


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    #52
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    My firsst thought was to let her go **** herself. However, you need to tread carefully. Only help if it suits you. The picking of the dresses is a bit much, seeing as you won't be wearing one. Were you Bridesmaid or MOH to your other sister? Don't put yourself out too much. Maybe help with the invitations, but flowers and dresses that you won't be using is a no no in my book. Be polite and say you can't make it on that day. The hen party is the responsibility og the bridesmaid, so decline.


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    #53
    aunt aggie
    Registered Users Posts: 454 ✭✭aunt aggie


    How do other siblings feel about her decision? If your parents are obviously not happy then its likely everyone is aware of what's going on, but they don't want to turn on the bride. Puts everyone in an awkward position.

    Is there a bridesmaid that you could speak to quietly who may take over some of the planning and avoid the drama? She sounds like the kind of person who won't listen to reason if her own mother is afraid to lose contact with her grankids.


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    #54
    P_1
    Registered Users Posts: 14,681 ✭✭✭✭P_1


    Total bridezilla, you have nothing in common with her save from the fact you both emerged from the same womb. In my shoes I'd spend the day dying your hair


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    #55
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP you sound like a lovely person, the complete opposite of your sister. But lovely people can allow themselves to be treated as doormats sometimes and that it not fair.

    My advice is to tell your sister that its the other bridesmaids job to do all the helping, after all that is their job- its right there in the title bridesMAID. I doubt she would exclude you from the wedding, she might not want to come across as a total bitch to the other guests.

    For what its worth anyone with half a braincell would be lucky to have such a considerate person as a sister. Please don't allow yourself to be used, you are worth far more than that


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    #56
    Geniass
    Closed Accounts Posts: 643 ✭✭✭Geniass


    jennyhayes123 wrote: »
    If she is not going to think of your feelings why should you worry about hers

    +1 (again)

    Your sister probably has familial feelings for you, but she doesn't respect you. Although, she obviously values your organisational skills. :rolleyes:

    You obviously want a relationship with your niblings, rightly so. But you don't want them to see you being disrespected either - that's catching.

    I'd be firm with your sister and say, 'thanks, but I believe it best if those duties are best performed by the Bridal party as they are more involved' and I'd not let her get away with excuses like, 'this is my way of including you'.

    She does seem to be turning into a Bridzilla (or always was one) and is concerned you'll not fit in with the wedding photos. That's beyond shallow.

    Do what you think is the right thing.


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    #57
    stefanovich
    Registered Users Posts: 5,490 ✭✭✭stefanovich


    MadDog76 wrote: »
    Op you are a Guest of the Wedding, your responsibility ends there ........... show up, bring a gift, have dinner & drinks, a little dance and off to bed ......... done!
    I wouldn't even bother going.


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    #58
    mg1982
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,772 ✭✭✭mg1982


    Your sister sounds like a very shallow individual. God help the bloke she marrying, hes going to get his eyes opened someday. But then if hes like her they deserve each other. If i was you i wouldnt even turn up for the wedding never mind help out.


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    #59
    shaymus27
    Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭shaymus27


    I think you should be grateful for her acknowledging your very existence.

    Do anything she asks, whenever she asks.

    Do not expect gratitude or respect.

    Have no self-respect or expect any respect or fair treatment from your sister. Why should you?

    Just keep on doing whatever you need to, to keep the peace, and stay in your sister's amazing life. You should think yourself lucky she talks to you at all.

    I'm being sarcastic obviously to make a point.


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    #60
    westernlass
    Registered Users Posts: 598 ✭✭✭westernlass


    You could offer to babysit for the appointments instead and say that's a more appropriate way of helping out. Say you'd prefer her dress to be a surprise on the day.

    By the way doing all these jobs adds up in terms of time and money eg lunches, petrol. Hen parties are a nightmare to organise and bridesmaid generally pay the extras. Why would you be paying for that stuff when there's 7 of them?


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    #61
    rule supreme
    Registered Users Posts: 196 ✭✭rule supreme


    I think you should just tell her you are to busy at this time to help her out , she sounds like the type of person who would use you to do the work but would thank everyone but you at the wedding .


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