Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306 wrote:

He just said ok and nodded his head

Maybe this shows that he was pushing for this and was not brave enough to go down the route himself? He just decided to push you away to such a point that you did it yourself (very cowardly). Or he's trying to get a reaction from you by pretending he doesn't care.

Remember, like you were planning with the conversation - stick to the facts. Don't be sucked in by his 'lack of caring'. Whatever the reasons for his quoted reaction, it is not the reaction of someone who truly cares and wants to put the work into your relationship.

I can imagine his reaction will have left a lot of pent up energy inside you (you were possibly gearing up for an argument..). Make sure you get out for a walk/run and release some of this.

Good on you for talking to friends and family. You will be ok x

To be fair, she admitted that she wasn't perfect and that she was at fault too. Many posters noted her role in this. Some were very harsh. How many times did she need to be told she might need to look at her behaviour when the situation escalated and it became clear he had no interest in apologising for his part in this.

I think you should give serious thought to postponing the wedding. You said it is now less than a year until you get married. It is a form of a deadline and the closer it gets, the harder it will be for you to pull the plug if things don't go well. Your fiance's anger and desire to punish you by giving you the cold shoulder are both issues which have got to be resolved for once and for all before you get married. For both your sakes. I think you should still consider talking to a counsellor by yourself before you make any big decisions.

Neyite wrote: »

My reading of this is that he hasn't really apologised. You have. He hasn't really examined his behaviour here and looked at ways to change for the better.

I think he knew he was pushing an open door and has fobbed you off. Even towards the end of the original thread, I got the impression that you'd go back on your decision to end things in a heartbeat.

We are only hearing your side of the story so we don't know how you behave in the relationship and if your side of things can be improved. I still think he is the one who has to do far more of the changing if this relationship can be saved. A lot of his protracted silences are pre-meditated and used as a way to bully you into submission. I find it hard to understand how somebody is capable of losing their temper on a Saturday or Sunday and then stays "angry" for days on end. Somewhere along the way, the anger gave way to a desire to punish you. I'm not buying his story about why he continued the row either. There is still a lot to unpick here.

I think you're going to give things another go but as I've already advised, you should postpone your wedding. I'm not convinced your problems as a couple are going to magically vanish just because he has sort of acknowledged his part in your problems. You mentioned before that you've attempted to address his silences but it didn't work out. He might have made more promising noises this time because he could see himself having to find somewhere else to live. If I was in your shoes, I would give things at least year or 18 months before making any decisions. That'll be long enough for the current scare to wear off and for you to see if he has indeed changed his ways. I also hope that he will seek professional help for his anger issues and that you talk to somebody by yourself. I can't shake the feeling that you should be talking to a professional about this relationship.

If you've never heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy, I recommend you read about it (link to one article is here).

OP, the way people deal with anger is a very deep set thing which is formed from our earliest experiences, the models of emotional expression we saw growing up and the subsequent experiences we've had through life. This means it's not an easy thing to change. It's not as simple as "from now on I will do XYZ instead". It takes work, commitment and reflection to change the habits of a lifetime.

For small issues you could work through these things with just your partner. For example, I have an issue with getting defensive too quickly when I perceive feedback to be critical and I am constantly working on this in partnership with my fiance (who of course has his own things he works on too). But for something as big as repeatedly completely shutting someone out for a week for minor incidents...he, and you both, need counselling to support any meaningful change.

If he truly did get the shock of his life when you ended it and he truly wants to work to make your relationship better then he should be willing to engage in counselling. I'd make that a necessary part of deciding to try again. If he won't then I wouldn't stay with him, let alone marry him.

to echo that last post, and a few before it: what's clearly happened here is that he was seeking to manipulate the situation through blanking you but when you stood up to it and ended things, he realised he had overplayed his hand, that he didn't have the kind of leverage he thought he did.

Now, setting aside the fact that being in a relationship where your interactions feel like a power struggle is pretty awful, I think now would be a really bad time to stand down. He is hoping to get things back to how they were before he screwed things up with his tantrum, and to do so with as little effort as possible on his part. But from where we're looking at it, he has a lot of proving to do that he is someone you would want to be married to. A "maintenance chat" does sound suspiciously like he thinks you do lots of things wrong and the solution is that he should have a chance to tell you about them more often. I would suggest you lay out some pretty stringent rules about what he's going to have to do before your relationship moves back to normal.

I would start with insisting on counselling, with no workaround for that. If he won't do that then it's done. I'm betting when that's made clear, he does it. I would also insist that he come clean about this misreading your text codology. It doesn't bode well if he won't be honest even about this stuff, because that's just evading his need to take responsibility for his own childish reaction, as if it would have been understandable except for misreading the text. Related: he needs to acknowledge not just that giving your fiance the silent treatment and generally intimidating them isn't acceptable. Not just say he's sorry, but demonstrate clearly that he understands why it is wrong, that it is manipulative and intimidating. And he needs to demonstrate in a sustained way that he loves you and is able to give you the kind of freedom and peace of mind that people who love each other give.

But personally, I would call all of that a bare minimum, and for me the whole episode would be all I need to know to realise I've no intention of spending my life with that person. I understand, though, it's easy to say walk away on the internet, it's a different story when it's real life, and either way I suspect you've already decided to give him another chance. But I wouldn't let him off easy. He has a lot of making up to do before he should feel any way comfortable.

OP, take on board everything that has been said above. He has done the absolute minimum to try and keep you dangling. There has been no apology for his behaviour. Telling you 'he didn't read your text properly' is a total lie, and it is not an apology. Even think about that lie, if he didn't read your text properly what did he think you said. Because from what you've posted here you made it clear that you were apologising for your end of things and wanted to talk to sort it out. What could have been misconstrued by that? He realises for the first time that you mean business, but he hasn't offered you an olive branch or made any big effort to apologise for his behaviour. He hasn't offered an apology at all or taken any responsibility or blame for all of this. He is doing the absolute minimum he thinks will be enough to trap you in this relationship. If it doesn't work this week, he will step up his campaign and make one or two other promises (which won't be kept in the long run). If you accept his deal, you are telling him that you are willing to put up with his abuse.

I can also guarantee you that if you continue this relationship, that it will get worse, and you will be back on this thread in 3-6 months time looking for advice about even worse treatment that you are currently receiving. If you continue with him, he will probably talk you into continuing with the wedding plans (he will probably say, 'no need to cancel just yet, we'll keep working on our relationship and see where we are in a few months or some such bull), and you will find it harder to get out of as the date looms closer.

Is this what you want as a life? Remember, this isn't a once off incident.

OP if you cut and paste all your posts into one document and read them you'll be shocked at how anyone could want to be in this relationship.

I started keeping a private blog of incidents when my marriage started to break up. If ever I was tempted to go back I'd read that and remind myself that separating was the right decision. I consciously did that, you have done it in a different way.

Your update scared me, he's got under your skin again, please don't let him in. Did you see that solicitor last week? There is life beyond this relationship, you do not have to live life walking on eggshells.

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone, a lot of great advice there. I feel that my judgement has been clouded because I love him deeply and desperately want everything to work out. I can sense that he wants to go back to normal, e.g. trying to cuddle in bed etc which I haven’t been able to do. There’s been nothing beyond a bit of day to day chit chat this week because I really am not ready and I’m not over it. I hadn’t even thought of the fact that he hasn’t even apologized, just that he regretted certain parts of how he acted.

Thing is, he doesn't regret that. He didn't take the option of coming out of the room after two to three days when you texted him to try and sort things out. He chose to stay there 'and show you who's boss' by punishing you with the silent treatment for the guts of a week. Even after he came out of the room, he locked you out of the house. That wasn't a knee jerk reaction on the back of you having a row with him there and then. He told the tradesman to take the key knowing you couldn't get in. That is premeditated action.

His regret comes from the fact that you told him the relationship was over. He thought you'd just take his abuse like normal, and now he sees that you fought back and stood up for yourself. He wasn't expecting that. His only regret here is that it didn't play out as he intended. He'll just be more calculated in how he abuses you the next time if you stay with him.