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Child Item

Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

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Big Bag of Chips

It's better than an argument. Or better than apologising and begging and promising only for the same thing to happen again in a few weeks.

You'll be OK. You both will. Just get your affairs in order. Its going to be a tough few months.

NeonCookies

Anongirl306 wrote:

He just said ok and nodded his head

Maybe this shows that he was pushing for this and was not brave enough to go down the route himself? He just decided to push you away to such a point that you did it yourself (very cowardly). Or he's trying to get a reaction from you by pretending he doesn't care.

Remember, like you were planning with the conversation - stick to the facts. Don't be sucked in by his 'lack of caring'. Whatever the reasons for his quoted reaction, it is not the reaction of someone who truly cares and wants to put the work into your relationship.

I can imagine his reaction will have left a lot of pent up energy inside you (you were possibly gearing up for an argument..). Make sure you get out for a walk/run and release some of this.

Good on you for talking to friends and family. You will be ok x

[Deleted User]

If he's likely to get vindictive (and given the key thing, he sounds like he is) be careful of leaving the house for any significant length of time.

Your life is about to improve immeasurably because you won't be fearing his moods, you won't be anticipating how to head off the silent treatment, you won't be subjugating your needs because putting yourself first is likely to spark off a tantrum or sulk lasting days. Those sulks are to control and intimidate you into behaving exactly as required. You may not be perfect, OP, but nobody deserves to live like that. Even when things are good you must be living in anticipation of the next time he punishes you by cold shouldering you. And he calls you names, and although that has been minimised by some, it's not acceptable or reasonable for someone who loves you to call you a c**t unless it's in jest.

You will miss him at first, but you won't miss living like that. You'll be fine.

notsoyoungwan

What Candie says above is so true. You get used to living like you have been, but the freedom that comes with knowing that you’ve broken away and don’t have to live like that anymore is immense.

Your life is about to get a whole lot better. Embrace it. And be alert to signs of similar controlling behaviour in other guys you meet. I’m not suggesting you become bitter or a misandrist, just know what the signs are and heed them when you see them.

cannotlogin

Wow, this is a horrible way for a 5 year relationship to end. I know there are very few good ways but there are better ways than this.

Like another poster said, it looks like he deliberately engineered a situation where you had no choice to break up with him because he didn't have the decency to do it when he wanted out.

Given his behaviour, you are far better off without him. Has he said when he's moving out because he has to. That's the next step and if you funded the majority of the purchase of the house, why should you leave.

[Deleted User]

Tough going for both of ye, sounds like he wanted to break up but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Am sure you’ll be happier in the long run, the last week must have been very tough.

Tork

I still think you need to be on your guard, OP. Although it looks like he engineered the split, things will change now that it's out in the open. Once he has time to stop and think about the practicalities of what lies ahead and once others start whispering in his ear, things may get nastier. If he's on a lower wage (as implied by the 80:20 split), he's not going to fancy finding somewhere to rent. He might decide to dig his heels in and refuse to leave.

[Deleted User]

I’d consider calling a woman a c**t pretty full on, in retrospect was he trying to engineer a split at some level then OP? It’s bad form of course, if he wants out then he should have made the break, not provoke you into it.

[Deleted User]

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

I’d consider calling a woman a c**t pretty full on, in retrospect was he trying to engineer a split at some level then OP? It’s bad form of course, if he wants out then he should have made the break, not provoke you into it.

His form seems to be to play the victim, this way he gets to paint the OP in a bad light as the villian of the piece as well as getting what he wants, if he has indeed engineered this. Pure cowardice.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, well done. It can't have been easy, but you did what was right for you.

He's accepted the situation, hard as that must have been for you. There's no reason to think he could make matters worse for both of you.

Hopefully things will be straight forward for you both in finalising things and you can both move on without too much strain.

Well done and be kind to yourself.

calfmuscle

Ah op sorry to hear this it must hurtful for you, ya poor pet!

As others have said in the long run you are so much better off! You'll be much happier without this manipulation in your life.

Mind yourself x

Cutie 3.14

It's very clear from reading the responses here that quite a lot of you have (thankfully) never been in an abusive relationship.

OP I'm glad you found the courage to end it. I only just saw this thread this morning but if I saw it earlier I would have advised you to have a friend or relative on standby in a car around the corner or on speed dial in case he got extremely volatile (and he has form for it by the sounds of it)

And him nodding his head and saying ok is definitely not going to be the end of it.
Given his behaviour the last week or so, and from your previous replies describing his behaviour, prepare yourself for the repercussions.

Sorry but I cant seem him riding off into the sunset on his merry way without a peep out of him.

And for those saying how did it go from a zoom disagreement to separation in 24hours....this is clearly breaking point for OP from what is probably 4-5 years of his abusive behaviour. Sometimes it only takes a small thing for victims to finally see the wood from the trees.

Best of luck to you OP.

the_pen_turner

sounds like both of you are happy to break up with your abusive partner.
both of you are to blame for this. this isnt a one sided situation. sounds like he had enough of you sulky behaviour just as much as you had enough of his

KiKi III

the_pen_turner wrote: »

sounds like both of you are happy to break up with your abusive partner.
both of you are to blame for this. this isnt a one sided situation. sounds like he had enough of you sulky behaviour just as much as you had enough of his

A break up is never entirely one sided but I don’t see how posts like this are helpful to the OP.

the_pen_turner

KiKi III wrote: »

A break up is never entirely one sided but I don’t see how posts like this are helpful to the OP.

why isnt it helpfull to show the op that they are at least partially responsible for this situation. the first few pages of this thread are pointing out how the op badly treated her boyfriend just as much as he did to her.
his reaction shows that the ops sulky behaviour isnt as inocent as she makes out and the op says her self that she has a history of acting this way.

the BF isnt soly to blame here

KiKi III

the_pen_turner wrote: »

why isnt it helpfull to show the op that they are at least partially responsible for this situation. the first few pages of this thread are pointing out how the op badly treated her boyfriend just as much as he did to her.
his reaction shows that the ops sulky behaviour isnt as inocent as she makes out and the op says her self that she has a history of acting this way.

the BF isnt soly to blame here

No one is saying the bf is solely to blame, including the OP. This forum is about providing support and advice to people, not assigning blame.

Your posts come across as kicking someone while they’re down.

the_pen_turner

KiKi III wrote: »

No one is saying the bf is solely to blame, including the OP. This forum is about providing support and advice to people, not assigning blame.

Your posts come across as kicking someone while they’re down.

thats not my intention.

before anyone can move on from a relationship you need to see it for what it was and all its short commings so that you can learn from the experience.

putting your head in the sand and ingnoring the obvious terrible behaviour from the op towards her BF will do nothing to improve future relationships or do anything to rescue this failing one.

Tork

To be fair, she admitted that she wasn't perfect and that she was at fault too. Many posters noted her role in this. Some were very harsh. How many times did she need to be told she might need to look at her behaviour when the situation escalated and it became clear he had no interest in apologising for his part in this.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

As the OP has taken steps to resolve her issue, I'm going to close the thread at this point.

OP, I wish you the best and if you need further advice just PM one of the mod team and we can reopen the thread for you, if appropriate.

Thank you everyone for your help and advice.

Hannibal

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

The OP has requested the thread be reopened so that they can seek further advice.

Please bear in mind that the OP is seeking further advice, and posters should only respond if they have advice to offer.

Thanks

Hannibal

Edit: might actually help if I opened it! Done now.

Anongirl306

Hi all, so shortly after I ended things, my partner came to me and asked me did I really mean it or did I want to talk about it? So we talked..a lot.. he agreed that his reaction was extreme but that he wanted to express his anger and that's how it came out. I told him I felt like he lets these incidents drag out until I break which he knows I will. I also said I feel like he bottles things up and then will erupt which is very damaging for me. He said he didn't read my apology text properly the first time as he was angry and after he read it again he was over the incident. I told him I didn't believe him because after I sent a message asking could we talk, which was 2 days after my apology, I got a hostile response. He does seem to acknowledge his behaviour and suggested a regular 'relationship maintenance' chat where we can talk through any small issues to prevent them building up. I have told him I need some space for a while which he has been respecting pretty well. Am I naive to think he's going to change? We are due to get married in less than a year and I don't want to end up in a position then where everything is much more complicated if it doesn't work out

KiKi III

You know him better than any of us OP, what do you think? What if you suggested counselling again? This would essentially be a “relationship maintenance” chat moderated by an unbiased professional who can offer advice.

He’s rejected this idea before, so his reaction to the suggestion this time would be one way of seeing how committed he really is to change.

Anyway, leaving that aside for a sec - how are you feeling? Does the idea of getting married next year excite you?

Dial Hard

A relationship maintenance chat between the two of you isn't going to achieve anything, imo, and it smacks of throwing you a sop because you frightened the life out of him by actually ending the relationship. He might make a half-hearted attempt at engaging two or maybe even three times before reverting to type.

If he's genuine about wanting to save the relationship he needs to agree to counselling.

[Deleted User]

So what, he changed his tune once he figured out you were actually going to end it, like people said he would?
He wanted to express his anger by not talking to you for a week?

cannotlogin

I don't think either of you are anywhere close to being ready to get married.

You aren't able to communicate and I'm sorry to include you in that you may not be as bad as him but also struggle with communication.

He treated you like crap, verbally abused you, extended silent treatment, locked you out etc. You were scared of him. I wouldn't be rushing into that kind of marraige.

I would suggest couples counselling but believe if you need counselling before the marraige, that maybe it's not a good idea to continue this.

Tork

I think you should give serious thought to postponing the wedding. You said it is now less than a year until you get married. It is a form of a deadline and the closer it gets, the harder it will be for you to pull the plug if things don't go well. Your fiance's anger and desire to punish you by giving you the cold shoulder are both issues which have got to be resolved for once and for all before you get married. For both your sakes. I think you should still consider talking to a counsellor by yourself before you make any big decisions.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm not asking you to post it here, but more ask yourself - what was building up to make him go silent like that for 5 days? And does it balance out?

It sounds to me like he's saying... Can we have a relationship chat so I can tell you what's bothering me about the relationship.

Does he appreciate you will more than likely have issues about him to bring to the conversation? Would you feel comfortable airing those issues to him?

bitofabind

Has he actually apologised for his behaviour? Or simply agreed with you that it was an overreaction?

I don't know OP. I've been pretty surprised and worried for you at how this whole thing seemed to escalate in recent days. You felt unsafe in your own home because of this man. He locked you out of your own home. He withdrew all support and consideration for you because he couldn't control his emotions. He shut you out and made your home a frightening and isolating place for almost a week because of a bit of a tiff over a Zoom call. That's a worrying precedent to set for a lifetime together.

Don't forget - he has a lot to lose here and I'm sure he's more than aware of that. He's potentially going to lose his house as well as his fiancee and all the fallout that that will bring especially during a challenging economic time.

I'll remind you of your own words a week ago:

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I suggested counseling before and he said he wasn’t up for that. We’ll agree on communicating more effectively and then he’ll be in a mood with me because of something like I didn’t have dinner ready when he expected me too, if he made it the night before for example, even if I was busy and he wasn’t. Probably time for a make or break conversation

This is not a new problem for you two. I don't see how a "relationship maintenance" chat is going to fix it if he can so easily decide to give you the silent treatment for days at a time for completely trivial and commonplace events. Maybe some anger management counselling for him is where you need to start.

screamer

It seems to me he is testing your boundaries to see how far he can push you and how much you’ll take. I am not a believer in leopards changing their spots, and I can only imagine how he could behave when you’re married to him and kinda stuck with him. I’d certainly knock the wedding on the head, and unless or until his behaviour changes for the better AND you see a sustained change in that behaviour, don’t even think about a wedding. You also need to work on yourself and communication between you both is less than effective. Finally remember a wedding lasts a day a marriage hopefully lasts a lifetime, chose wisely and good luck.

Neyite

My reading of this is that he hasn't really apologised. You have. He hasn't really examined his behaviour here and looked at ways to change for the better. You have - you got some pretty blunt replies that were critical of your part in the argument and you took those on board. You've tried to discuss it while he's stonewalled, and now making excuses that he 'didn't properly read your text'. You asked for counselling, he's offered you a monthly chat to what? is that going to just be a list of misdeeds of yours that he finds fault with and you can't say anything to him in case he locks you out, locks himself away or creates the kind of home atmosphere that has your stomach in knots for days on end.

A question to ask yourself: If you didn't have a house together, and didn't have 5 years under your belt with him, and if you didn't have a wedding looming, honestly ask yourself would you stay? And the next question to ask yourself is, can you take the risk of having kids with a man like this who is unlikely to change and who may never change?