Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

ShamrockAir

I'm not sure if you are a troll or genuine. Surely the youth of today can't be this sensitive.

Augme

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions.

I had a genuine lol reading this having read about how your reacted to having your partner tell you he wasn't going to include your questions in his family quiz.

I'm actually not sure who is worse, you both sound as bad as each other and in a sense it's almost like yous are the perfect couple because of that.

But your behaviour is far more like teenage siblings than adults in a relationship. I would strongly recommend couples counciling as the whole situation and dynamic sounds fairly toxic and will only get worse unless both of yous start acting in a much more grown up and mature fashion.

Sinzo

Anongirl306 wrote:

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post

Anongirl306 wrote:

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post, twice!

Maybe there is more to it than just what happened on the weekend. Even though you might be hurt by the name calling you might have to swallow your pride and look to have a reconciliatory talk. His reaction is very extreme.. is there more to his behaviour than just what happened on the weekend. Is it something deeper about you relationship ? Or is it a problem with his other relationships with family, friends or work? Or is there something tormenting him about himself ? If you want to stay with him then you will need to discuss it sooner rather than later...

qwerty13

You acted like a badly behaved sulky teenager when you didn’t get your way. And he overreacted at least as immaturely as you (but with name calling). Newsflash though - just because he used a bad term doesn’t make him worse than you. There’s a pair of you in it.

How do you think you communicate normally? Cos this sounds as though it’s about way more than the current incident. So you bottle up your reaction, and he hides from reacting - except this time when he lost it?? There has to be a history of really bad communication there. You say that you’re reasonable- but that’s after the fact, after you’ve behaved badly in terms of sulking. Whereas he avoids discussing it, but then explodes when the straw breaks the camel’s back.

On the surface, his behaviour (in terms of exploding) is way worse. But if you are consistently sulking, then that is not a good look either.

Him texting you in work is not great. But neither is you claiming amnesty because of your job.

What if he had just said that you behaved like an immature idiot? Would you feel so ‘disrespected’ then? Is your perception of ‘disrespect’ due to the word he used, or what he was (badly) trying to communicate to you?? If he had calmly pulled you up on your behaviour, would you have wholly acknowledged your part in it?

To me, you’ve both behaved really immaturely. But you’re focusing on his name-calling, instead of addressing the real issue: neither of you seem to be able to deal with conflict, and you lash out silently by sulking, and he lashed out verbally by ‘no words’, or else an OTT reaction when he’s found his words.

You both need to work on yourselves if the relationship is to survive.

Idle Passerby

If you hadn't said you have a job I'd have assumed the pair of you were 15 year olds. Is this how you normally go on with each other? Getting huffy over a quiz and having pointless spats via text? Is the lockdown exacerbating pre-existing tensions? It all sounds very unhealthy.

kowloonkev

I'm not sure whether the OP was attending the quiz and said 'no' and embarrassed him in front of his family?

If this is the case then he has every right to be aggrieved.

Anongirl306

When I say I was pouty, I am referring to me saying no when he asked me to read some of his rounds, that’s it. I felt that it wouldn’t have been a big deal for me to add one. The quiz was from our home and his family seemed to have a great time, they knew nothing of it. Thanks for input everyone.
Regarding the c***, yes I do find that incredibly disrespectful, especially what it’s used in capital letters and repeated with the intention of being nasty.

Hannibal_Smith

'he should have the balls to talk to me face to face'

You got your dig in first OP. I hate phrases like that. Hate them. Have the balls to/grow some balls/man up. It suggests they're a coward and not 'man enough'. It's insulting to the very core. In some homes phrases like that get thrown around without a blink. In some homes c*** gets thrown around without a blink. Not in mine, so I can't speak objectively here. But when you throw a grenade chances are you'll get hit by some shrapnel.

qwerty13

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

'he should have the balls to talk to me face to face'

You got your dig in first OP. I hate phrases like that. Hate them. Have the balls to/grow some balls/man up. It suggests they're a coward and not 'man enough'. It's insulting to the very core. In some homes phrases like that get thrown around without a blink. In some homes c*** gets thrown around without a blink. Not in mine, so I can't speak objectively here. But when you throw a grenade chances are you'll get hit by some shrapnel.

I couldn’t agree more. And I didn’t even get why I was so uncomfortable with the OP calling out her BF re his language. There’s such immaturity and hypocrisy going on. That’s not meant as an attack on you OP; but you’re being abusive to each other - but neither of you seem to be able to see that.

Jayesdiem

This is hilarious! The word c*** as presented in a spat as you describe, is nothing more than an arrangement of letters that form a word to which you have attributed a negative meaning. It is merely an expression of frustration, disdain, disappointment or whatever emotion your partner was feeling at that moment, but not necessarily right now in this moment. If I called you a “plank” or a “nincompoop”, how would you feel? Those two words in this context do not hold any more or less negative meaning than that which you attribute to them. The main issue is you had an argument -totally normal- and now you do whatever you need to do to get beyond it. Focusing on meaningless semantics will get you nowhere. If it’s any consolation, myself and my partner have called each other c**** and worse on countless occasions and we are good together. It means nothing, move on.

Jurgen Klopp

Jayesdiem wrote: »

This is hilarious! The word c*** as presented in a spat as you describe, is nothing more than an arrangement of letters that form a word to which you have attributed a negative meaning. It is merely an expression of frustration, disdain, disappointment or whatever emotion your partner was feeling at that moment, but not necessarily right now in this moment. If I called you a “plank” or a “nincompoop”, how would you feel? Those two words in this context do not hold any more or less negative meaning than that which you attribute to them. The main issue is you had an argument -totally normal- and now you do whatever you need to do to get beyond it. Focusing on meaningless semantics will get you nowhere. If it’s any consolation, myself and my partner have called each other c**** and worse on countless occasions and we are good together. It means nothing, move on.

Ugh I'll tell you what it is. It's Irish people consuming too much American media, it's seen over there as the worst word ever. I've noticed more people over here and the UK getting self righteous over it the last few years

Mrcaramelchoc

ShamrockAir wrote: »

I'm not sure if you are a troll or genuine. Surely the youth of today can't be this sensitive.

So does that mean you think its ok to call your partner a ****?
Genuine question.

whisky_galore

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

So does that mean you think its ok to call your partner a ****?
Genuine question.

It's a term of endearment in Australia.

screamer

Sticks and stones and all that. If he knows that calling you that would hurt or offend you, chances are you hurt or offended him, have you given that any thought?
Being honest, life is tough, relationships are hard work and fighting like two kids over something so little as a quiz really doesn’t bode well for future.
In a lot of relationships, you’ll see one person who is more dominating than the other, and the other will basically do what their partner wants for an easy life. I don’t think they are healthy relationships at all, but seem very common. Rarer is the relationship where both partners are on an even footing and such relationships need mutual respect and tolerance, and that’s what you both need to work towards. If you’re both very dominating, not a hope it’ll work out.

sydthebeat

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

So does that mean you think its ok to call your partner a ****?
Genuine question.

You're some cute **** is a term of endearment here.....

In Ireland we have taken away the sharpness of this word, and it doesn't hold the same shock value that it has in America.

To me, asking the OPs boyfriend if he "had the balls" is vastly more damaging and sinister language than being called a ****, especially when the person is acting ****ish

LillySV

The two of ye sound like the new supersensitive constantly offended type to be honest. Ye are better off splitting up now while ye are only afew years together and pairing up with a non binary non white person that hasn’t had white privilege......

Kidchameleon

You insulted him first with arguably a worse insult. Also, if you need to have your "mind on the job", try not bringing your phone to work, it works wonders.

Akrasia

Lads we all get a bit wound up when we’re stuck in a confined space, small little things can get blown out of proportion

My wife and I get on really really well most of the time but putting flat packed furniture together can push us close to the edge

My advice is to take a step back, apologies even if you think he was to blame too, forget about the argument but learn how to handle each other a little bit better.

(I’m assuming you otherwise love each other and that these kinds of blowups are rare)

osarusan

OP, you portray yourself as not saying anything inflammatory but only looking for solutions, but at the same time, you were saying he should have the balls to talk to you face to face.

That's absolutely inflammatory and in no way conducive to resolving anything.

Both of you seem to overreact to little things and both of you seem to know which buttons to press to set the other off. Horrible way to communicate.

Mrcaramelchoc

whisky_galore wrote: »

It's a term of endearment in Australia.

Yes i do know that.jaysus if i called my wife a **** id be ****ed out.and rightly so imo.

Anongirl306

I get the silent treatment for a whole day, followed by a text message when I’m in work. Then he locks himself in the spare room so we can’t have a conversation. I understand where you all are coming from about my comment being provocative but I think it’s a cowardly way to behave and does not justify calling me a c***. Why not address the issue face to face at home?
To the person who suggested not bringing my phone to work - my role requires me to be in 3 WhatsApp chats that are active every day. This cold shoulder thing has happened for something as trivial as my phone alarm waking him up. Then whenever he’s over it he’ll want to go back to normal and act like nothing happened. I have suggested counseling before and he shot it down.

qwerty13

You’re entirely blaming his approach to (his lack of ability) dealing with conflict.

Your own approach was as bad, just different.

You’re giving out about him being silent - but you sulk. Not too fundamentally different there really. Both immature ways of dealing with conflict.

cj maxx

People read too much into using the C word. It's no different to bitch,fcuker etc . It was in an argument so people say stuff they normally wouldn't say, in the heat of the moment.
Also did you OP talk to him calmly or at him.
My ex partner does that . There's no actual discussion, she'd calmly talk AT me paying no attention to what I was actually trying to convey, just calmly recite her position

Hannibal_Smith

You may not see them as the same thing, but he clearly does and I would too. Again, not everyone else would, but I would. You insulted him. He insulted you back. He got just as upset with your comment as you're getting about his. Why are you allowed be offended, but he isn't?

I would be furious if my husband called me a c***, but if things escalated that far I'd have a serious think about how we both got there. Would it be reasonable to assume he doesn't call you that often? So how did you get there.

He did a quiz for his family, organised it, did up the questions, you asked if you could add your questions, he said no. You sulked. The family may not have noticed, but he noticed an atmosphere beside him during something he'd put a bit of effort in to and was probably looking forward to. I'd be really hacked off if my husband did that. He was really immature to go off and sulk, and he shouldn't have to be coaxed into dealing with a disagreement, but when tensions are high throwing petrol on it won't resolve it. And you treated him exactly the same when you sulked, but even worse you did it during something that was important to him.

I think counselling is a great idea, so you both can see how you're winding each other up. If he won't go to that, see if you can work out where to go from here.

Some people aren't great at arguing. The silent treatment is childish, but I wonder whether he thinks if he's going to get his head snapped off and just leaves it.

You both owe each other an apology, the way I'm reading it.

HildaOgdenx

Silent treatment and sulking are both, imo, childish behaviours. Best left behind in very early childhood. Possibly learned behaviour, on both of your parts.

You need to sit down together and discuss your relationship quietly and calmly. I know this is a snapshot of it, and you say it's 'for the most part, great' but do either of you want to live like this, longterm?
I wouldn't have the energy, personally.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions

IMO your behavior was just as bad, and he just responded in kind. You most definitely are playing down your own behavior in this scenario, and did make inflammatory comments.


It may be a good time to look at the relationship in the cold light of day. not because he called you a bad name after you questioned his manhood. But because you may need to decide if this relationship is worth the effort, if you are a good fit to each other and compatible long term.

Also importantly do you actually love him ?

Jayesdiem

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I get the silent treatment for a whole day, followed by a text message when I’m in work. Then he locks himself in the spare room so we can’t have a conversation. I understand where you all are coming from about my comment being provocative but I think it’s a cowardly way to behave and does not justify calling me a c***. Why not address the issue face to face at home?
To the person who suggested not bringing my phone to work - my role requires me to be in 3 WhatsApp chats that are active every day. This cold shoulder thing has happened for something as trivial as my phone alarm waking him up. Then whenever he’s over it he’ll want to go back to normal and act like nothing happened. I have suggested counseling before and he shot it down.

The word c*** has no more intrinsic value than “fool” or “plonker” or “stupid face”. Stop concentrating on the semantics and address the issue.

osarusan

Jayesdiem wrote: »

The word c*** has no more intrinsic value than “fool” or “plonker” or “stupid face”. Stop concentrating on the semantics and address the issue.

I think this is a silly line of thinking to be honest. Yes, words are just collections of letters and the value is placed on them by individuals.


But the point is that these insults have value, and different insults have different strengths, and those values and strengths are for the most part shared and understood by members of a society, and words are selected for use based on these shared understandings.

The OP's partner chose the word 'c**t' over the word 'plonker' for a reason - because it more appropriately explains the values or strength they want to express. Likewise, the OP chose the expression 'have the balls to...' over other similar expressions, for the same reason.

So (and I know you didn't say this) whether or not 'c**t' is a tem of endearment in Australia is irrelevant here (unless maybe the OP's partner is Australian). We are talking about the shared understanding of the term, and the shared understanding of its strength, in the Irish context.

I agree that there are wider issues here beyond the use of a particular word, but the use of that word has meaning.

bitofabind

Sounds exhausting. All these ego wars and he-said she-said. He's passive aggressive, you're prone to sulking and overreacting. One triggers the other and round and round we go.

Do you love this man? If so, knock on the door to the spare room, go in and apologise. Tell him you're sorry you acted immaturely and embarrassed him in front of his family at the weekend. Tell him you love him and you hate the way things escalate when there's conflict and you'd like to find a better way of dealing with things when either of you is upset. Because cursing each other out by text only adds to the problem and it hurts you when he shuts down for days.

The fact that you think him calling you a swear word is the biggest problem here is quite revealing, as you're still trying to "win" this argument. You have to be right and he has to be wrong and apologise to move forward. He won't apologise because he's still upset that you ruined his family event. Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be happy? Successful conflict resolution involves empathy, leaving your ego at the door and being vulnerable. I love you and I want us to handle these situations more effectively than this. Are you able to do that?

Anongirl306

I didn’t embarrass him in front of his family.
Maybe I’m in a minority here but the c**** word is not thrown around freely in our house in the context of a disagreement. In fact he’s never called me that or anything other names. I find the word vulgar and disrespectful. The intention behind it is what the real issue is - trying to hurt me, repeating it 3 times using capital letters for maximum effect, and telling me I can go and get my own groceries when I don’t have a car, and that I can arrange to pick up a kitchen counter that I bought for our house by myself. Reflecting, I do understand that my ‘have the balls’ comment was insulting and I can see why it angered him.

I agree with the op here..
That word is particularly vulgar.. while it may slip off the tongue on occasion, to directly call someone it is pretty bad..

Jurgen Klopp

Maybe it's just me but growing up in rural Ireland **** was never seen any different to bitch or bastard

Frankly anyone making off its some sort of extra special insult would want to switch off the US TV shows

Jayesdiem

osarusan wrote: »

I think this is a silly line of thinking to be honest. Yes, words are just collections of letters and the value is placed on them by individuals.


But the point is that these insults have value, and different insults have different strengths, and those values and strengths are for the most part shared and understood by members of a society, and words are selected for use based on these shared understandings.

The OP's partner chose the word 'c**t' over the word 'plonker' for a reason - because it more appropriately explains the values or strength they want to express. Likewise, the OP chose the expression 'have the balls to...' over other similar expressions, for the same reason.

So (and I know you didn't say this) whether or not 'c**t' is a tem of endearment in Australia is irrelevant here (unless maybe the OP's partner is Australian). We are talking about the shared understanding of the term, and the shared understanding of its strength, in the Irish context.

I agree that there are wider issues here beyond the use of a particular word, but the use of that word has meaning.

I don’t agree. Words lose meaning when they are overused. **** is in this category. It means as much as one ascribes weight to it. When directed at an individual it has few connotations other than to denote that individual as unsavoury and that, like the meaning of the word, is entirely subjective. I’ll adopt that stance with your calling my logic “silly”. It’s an <insert word here> scenario based on one’s own biases and experiences. Not so with objective terms, for example the n word used to insult a black person etc.

bitofabind

It's offensive and I wouldn't like it either. But focusing entirely on that misses the point and prohibits you from coming to an effective conclusion to this argument and salvaging your relationship. Again - how do you or does the relationship progress here if we all agree that "yes OP, what he said was indefensible and he must apologise immediately!" You don't. You get precisely nowhere.

The way forward is not by antagonising him with blame and "you said" and "you did" with no account for your own role in this. You sulked during a family event and spoiled what should've been a fun light-hearted experience for him. His family may well have picked up on that because they're presumably not idiots.

You said yourself he's bad at conflict so he was never going to say this to your face, so he stewed for a while and then took it to text, where you tore shreds off him again. Now you're on your high horse because he threw a particularly foul word at you, forgetting entirely what led him to do that in the first place. No, not an acceptable word. And that can be part of your conversation as you try to resolve this argument. But it can't be the entire argument because it doesn't get him passed his anger and upset at how you let him down. It just attacks him and shuts him down further.

What's so scary and objectionable about coming at this from your supposed position of reasonable and empathetic human? "I'm sorry I hurt you and I love you and I want us to be able to handle these situations better than this"

Do you love him and want to get passed this?

Gregor Samsa

‘c***’ is a very, very strong word to use - especially to a partner. But accusing your partner of "not having the balls" to do something is also a horrible thing to say, and that seems to be what prompted him to use the word. We can argue about whether he should have or not (and I personally would never use it), but you started the vulgar and demeaning insults. You say you didn't say anything inflammatory, but you did and you can't see it. You say you feel disrespected and hurt, but you were disrespectful and hurtful first. You're focusing on his use of the word, and missing all the other problems with the situation.

The fact that doubled down on using it when you brought it up with him seems to underscore his anger at you and the situation. The word may be a red line issue for you, but it seems your reaction to the quiz thing is a red line issue for him.

You say you're a reasonable person, but it's not reasonable to go off in a sulk because he didn't do his quiz the way you wanted.

Looks like you both need to mature a bit in how you handle communication.

Idle Passerby

I would be very hurt if my partner said the same to me, but I can't imagine how an argument with my partner would escalate to the point of petty name calling over text. Yes OP what he said was offensive but your entire method of communication was off from the start. Your focusing on one aspect of a very dysfunctional interaction between two supposed adults. He could say sorry for using that word but it wouldn't solve the bigger problem.

Hairy Japanese BASTARDS!

I'm 29 and a man.

I call my gf a cunt during arguments and she calls me a prick and a multitude of other things.

At least we're honest with each other grow some thick skin, OP.

Hannibal_Smith

Enough of the back and forth about whether you find a word offensive or not. It is off topic and of no help to the OP.

Kidchameleon

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I get the silent treatment for a whole day

To be quite honest, this is probably the worst thing in the whole situation. I think you are both equally guilty of name calling (c*nt & grow balls are both pretty bad) but the silent treatment is cowardly and a tactic of a bully. You are clearly not ignoring him & are trying to sort it out. I think people should have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to the silent treatment.

Anongirl306 wrote: »

To the person who suggested not bringing my phone to work - my role requires me to be in 3 WhatsApp chats that are active every day.

OK well put your partner's chat on silent for the day. There's a simple button for blocking conversations for a few hours. Have a look on Whatsapp. Tell your partner you will not be engaging in texting whilst you are in work. Alternatively, get yourself a separate work phone. My point is that you don't need to talk to your partner at work. If you need a clear head at work, you need to take responsibility for that & it is entirely your fault that your partner is bothering you at work.

Caranica

A relationship with communication issues like this is doomed. You can choose to fix it or cut your losses and run. Counseling has already been recommended on this thread, if you want to save the relationship it's a good idea.

Anongirl306

Thanks so much to everyone who posted constructive replies. I suggested counseling before and he said he wasn’t up for that. We’ll agree on communicating more effectively and then he’ll be in a mood with me because of something like I didn’t have dinner ready when he expected me too, if he made it the night before for example, even if I was busy and he wasn’t. Probably time for a make or break conversation

Neyite

I don't agree with name-calling at all. My experience is that long after you've forgotten what caused the argument you'll always remember being called something insulting. I don't think it adds anything to the argument except residual disrespect and bad feeling.

However, I don't think you are in the right here. He's avoidant. You are sulky. Neither of you have the ability to communicate as a couple.

You wanted to include questions of yours in his family quiz.
He told you it was already completed.

It should have ended there with you saying "let me know about the next round because I've some excellent ones"

From here, you need to apologise for your part, he needs to apologise for the name calling and you BOTH need to work on your communication.
So: No sulking, no name-calling, let him go ruminate over the situation if it means that he can formulate his feelings on it better. He agrees not to text you at work about it, but talk face to face with the common goal of finding out how to meet in the middle of the discussion and listening to how the other person feels and acknowledging those feelings. If tensions rise to the point it's becoming an argument again, shelve it until you are both ready to discuss it without anger or frustration.

Mrcaramelchoc

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Enough of the back and forth about whether you find a word offensive or not. It is off topic and of no help to the OP.

Its in the title of the thread and has everything to do with the ops problem.its not the only thing but it is within the topic.

Hannibal_Smith

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

Its in the title of the thread and has everything to do with the ops problem.its not the only thing but it is within the topic.

The OP is seeking advice on an issue that is impacting her. Not a discussion on how posters view the word. PI is not a discussion forum and posters are asked to offer advice to an OP when replying.

If you have an issue with Moderator Instruction, please do not discuss it in thread. This is also considered off topic posting. The charter can be found here.

Batgurl

I’ve read through the OP and all their subsequent responses and I’m still confused as to what advice they are looking for?

Do they want to know if they are justified in feeling upset for being called a ****?

Do they want advice on how to handle the partners behaviour?

Do they want objective opinions to know who was in the wrong?

We can discuss the who’s and why’s of this at length But it would be really helpful to know what we are supposed to be focusing on here.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I also agree with a lot of the posts here. You offered a round of quiz questions. He said no because presumably he had spent a good bit of time and put together a quiz of sufficient length and variety of questions. Another round was unnecessary in this instance. Instead of shrugging that off, and as Neyite above suggested, saying 'no bother if you're doing it again I can give you a few questions' you behaved petulantly and sulked. He tried to make peace by offering you to read out a round and you wouldn't. Was it because you were doing something else? Or was it because you didn't want to get involved in his stupid quiz if you weren't allowed add a round?!

He was wrong to continue the row via text.l the next morning. You were wrong to reply the way you did. He's wrong to now be avoiding you, but maybe he realises avoiding and not talking is the safest way forward at the moment because talking is only going to end up with more of the same.

You are focusing on one word which is really just distracting from the actual issue. Neither of you come out of this very well. And I assume this would be a regular wah you deal with conflict as a couple?

As you said, could be time for a make or break chat. Neither of you are making the other person happy.

Tork

This sounds like a terrible relationship and maybe it's time to reconsider whether being in it is the right thing to do. The name calling is the least of your worries. Getting the silent treatment over your phone alarm waking him up, comments about you not driving and the general way the two of you relate to each other are ringing alarm bells for me. No relationship is perfect and everyone has stories of when they or their OH behaved like a prize idiot over something simple. This seems to be an ongoing problem though and you're getting too caught up by this latest spat. Even if he refuses to go to counselling, I think you should. It might make things clearer for you...

cannotlogin

This is insane and no way for two adults to act.

If this is the damage a quiz causes, I hate to think how you deal with the bigger, important issues in life. You need to resolve it as if not it will only escalate in time & people who cannot regulate their emotions end up in very volatile and dangerous situations.

Whether or not you want to accept it, you completely overreacted over a relatively minor issue. He compounded it by also overreacting. What exactly were either of you trying to achieve?

Neither of you can effectively communicate with any sense of perspective, maturity or effectiveness. This is the real issue and where your focus should be rather than a "he was worse than me" approach.

KiKi III

“Have the balls to talk to me in person” is a pretty reasonable thing to say to someone you’ve been in a relationship with for five years. Especially when they’re being so passive aggressive as to try and resolve a conflict via text when she’s at work. Very reasonable request if poorly phrased.

If she had said “have the courage to talk to me in person”, would people feel differently?

Calling them a c*** repeatedly after being told your partner finds it disrespectful is awful. Horrible behaviour. Designed to hurt and belittle.

leggo

Did you ever see the Bill Burr stand-up routine about how when women realise they’re wrong it all becomes a big wind-up until the man snaps and calls them a c***, so now he’s wrong because he used that one particular word? I’m not even saying that’s true, but wow it absolutely nails this particular situation...

The reality is OP that you caused this situation. You made his family quiz that he’d been planning about you, first trying to get your round in, then getting sulky when he said no, then throwing his olive branch back in his face. His reaction was bad but he was also right to feel frustrated with you...because your behaviour was wrong. And while you’re very quick to talk about how you’ll take blame to us and how you could’ve done better with how you reacted, I get the feeling you didn’t say all of this to him or this probably wouldn’t have escalated. Also why did you bring up the fact that you work in healthcare? Be honest, did you think we’d all say “oh well then you’re a hero so you couldn’t possibly be wrong, **** that guy”? Even that suggests a trait where you’re trying to manipulate the situation and bring irrelevant outside stuff into it so you can skirt taking responsibility for when you’re wrong.

Again, his response wasn’t great, but I read this situation more like he took the bait. Again, you caused this situation, whether the word he used was worse or not and whether you work in healthcare or not. So for me you should be the one who starts the apologies here. If he doesn’t follow suit, fair enough, you’ve a right to feel aggrieved. But you can’t act like you did then get offended when that impacts another person and they react.