Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

ShamrockAir

I'm not sure if you are a troll or genuine. Surely the youth of today can't be this sensitive.

Augme

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions.

I had a genuine lol reading this having read about how your reacted to having your partner tell you he wasn't going to include your questions in his family quiz.

I'm actually not sure who is worse, you both sound as bad as each other and in a sense it's almost like yous are the perfect couple because of that.

But your behaviour is far more like teenage siblings than adults in a relationship. I would strongly recommend couples counciling as the whole situation and dynamic sounds fairly toxic and will only get worse unless both of yous start acting in a much more grown up and mature fashion.

Sinzo

Anongirl306 wrote:

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post

Anongirl306 wrote:

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post, twice!

Maybe there is more to it than just what happened on the weekend. Even though you might be hurt by the name calling you might have to swallow your pride and look to have a reconciliatory talk. His reaction is very extreme.. is there more to his behaviour than just what happened on the weekend. Is it something deeper about you relationship ? Or is it a problem with his other relationships with family, friends or work? Or is there something tormenting him about himself ? If you want to stay with him then you will need to discuss it sooner rather than later...

qwerty13

You acted like a badly behaved sulky teenager when you didn’t get your way. And he overreacted at least as immaturely as you (but with name calling). Newsflash though - just because he used a bad term doesn’t make him worse than you. There’s a pair of you in it.

How do you think you communicate normally? Cos this sounds as though it’s about way more than the current incident. So you bottle up your reaction, and he hides from reacting - except this time when he lost it?? There has to be a history of really bad communication there. You say that you’re reasonable- but that’s after the fact, after you’ve behaved badly in terms of sulking. Whereas he avoids discussing it, but then explodes when the straw breaks the camel’s back.

On the surface, his behaviour (in terms of exploding) is way worse. But if you are consistently sulking, then that is not a good look either.

Him texting you in work is not great. But neither is you claiming amnesty because of your job.

What if he had just said that you behaved like an immature idiot? Would you feel so ‘disrespected’ then? Is your perception of ‘disrespect’ due to the word he used, or what he was (badly) trying to communicate to you?? If he had calmly pulled you up on your behaviour, would you have wholly acknowledged your part in it?

To me, you’ve both behaved really immaturely. But you’re focusing on his name-calling, instead of addressing the real issue: neither of you seem to be able to deal with conflict, and you lash out silently by sulking, and he lashed out verbally by ‘no words’, or else an OTT reaction when he’s found his words.

You both need to work on yourselves if the relationship is to survive.

Idle Passerby

If you hadn't said you have a job I'd have assumed the pair of you were 15 year olds. Is this how you normally go on with each other? Getting huffy over a quiz and having pointless spats via text? Is the lockdown exacerbating pre-existing tensions? It all sounds very unhealthy.

kowloonkev

I'm not sure whether the OP was attending the quiz and said 'no' and embarrassed him in front of his family?

If this is the case then he has every right to be aggrieved.

Anongirl306

When I say I was pouty, I am referring to me saying no when he asked me to read some of his rounds, that’s it. I felt that it wouldn’t have been a big deal for me to add one. The quiz was from our home and his family seemed to have a great time, they knew nothing of it. Thanks for input everyone.
Regarding the c***, yes I do find that incredibly disrespectful, especially what it’s used in capital letters and repeated with the intention of being nasty.

Hannibal_Smith

'he should have the balls to talk to me face to face'

You got your dig in first OP. I hate phrases like that. Hate them. Have the balls to/grow some balls/man up. It suggests they're a coward and not 'man enough'. It's insulting to the very core. In some homes phrases like that get thrown around without a blink. In some homes c*** gets thrown around without a blink. Not in mine, so I can't speak objectively here. But when you throw a grenade chances are you'll get hit by some shrapnel.

qwerty13

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

'he should have the balls to talk to me face to face'

You got your dig in first OP. I hate phrases like that. Hate them. Have the balls to/grow some balls/man up. It suggests they're a coward and not 'man enough'. It's insulting to the very core. In some homes phrases like that get thrown around without a blink. In some homes c*** gets thrown around without a blink. Not in mine, so I can't speak objectively here. But when you throw a grenade chances are you'll get hit by some shrapnel.

I couldn’t agree more. And I didn’t even get why I was so uncomfortable with the OP calling out her BF re his language. There’s such immaturity and hypocrisy going on. That’s not meant as an attack on you OP; but you’re being abusive to each other - but neither of you seem to be able to see that.

Jayesdiem

This is hilarious! The word c*** as presented in a spat as you describe, is nothing more than an arrangement of letters that form a word to which you have attributed a negative meaning. It is merely an expression of frustration, disdain, disappointment or whatever emotion your partner was feeling at that moment, but not necessarily right now in this moment. If I called you a “plank” or a “nincompoop”, how would you feel? Those two words in this context do not hold any more or less negative meaning than that which you attribute to them. The main issue is you had an argument -totally normal- and now you do whatever you need to do to get beyond it. Focusing on meaningless semantics will get you nowhere. If it’s any consolation, myself and my partner have called each other c**** and worse on countless occasions and we are good together. It means nothing, move on.

Jurgen Klopp

Jayesdiem wrote: »

This is hilarious! The word c*** as presented in a spat as you describe, is nothing more than an arrangement of letters that form a word to which you have attributed a negative meaning. It is merely an expression of frustration, disdain, disappointment or whatever emotion your partner was feeling at that moment, but not necessarily right now in this moment. If I called you a “plank” or a “nincompoop”, how would you feel? Those two words in this context do not hold any more or less negative meaning than that which you attribute to them. The main issue is you had an argument -totally normal- and now you do whatever you need to do to get beyond it. Focusing on meaningless semantics will get you nowhere. If it’s any consolation, myself and my partner have called each other c**** and worse on countless occasions and we are good together. It means nothing, move on.

Ugh I'll tell you what it is. It's Irish people consuming too much American media, it's seen over there as the worst word ever. I've noticed more people over here and the UK getting self righteous over it the last few years

Mrcaramelchoc

ShamrockAir wrote: »

I'm not sure if you are a troll or genuine. Surely the youth of today can't be this sensitive.

So does that mean you think its ok to call your partner a ****?
Genuine question.

whisky_galore

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

So does that mean you think its ok to call your partner a ****?
Genuine question.

It's a term of endearment in Australia.

screamer

Sticks and stones and all that. If he knows that calling you that would hurt or offend you, chances are you hurt or offended him, have you given that any thought?
Being honest, life is tough, relationships are hard work and fighting like two kids over something so little as a quiz really doesn’t bode well for future.
In a lot of relationships, you’ll see one person who is more dominating than the other, and the other will basically do what their partner wants for an easy life. I don’t think they are healthy relationships at all, but seem very common. Rarer is the relationship where both partners are on an even footing and such relationships need mutual respect and tolerance, and that’s what you both need to work towards. If you’re both very dominating, not a hope it’ll work out.

sydthebeat

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

So does that mean you think its ok to call your partner a ****?
Genuine question.

You're some cute **** is a term of endearment here.....

In Ireland we have taken away the sharpness of this word, and it doesn't hold the same shock value that it has in America.

To me, asking the OPs boyfriend if he "had the balls" is vastly more damaging and sinister language than being called a ****, especially when the person is acting ****ish

LillySV

The two of ye sound like the new supersensitive constantly offended type to be honest. Ye are better off splitting up now while ye are only afew years together and pairing up with a non binary non white person that hasn’t had white privilege......

Kidchameleon

You insulted him first with arguably a worse insult. Also, if you need to have your "mind on the job", try not bringing your phone to work, it works wonders.

Akrasia

Lads we all get a bit wound up when we’re stuck in a confined space, small little things can get blown out of proportion

My wife and I get on really really well most of the time but putting flat packed furniture together can push us close to the edge

My advice is to take a step back, apologies even if you think he was to blame too, forget about the argument but learn how to handle each other a little bit better.

(I’m assuming you otherwise love each other and that these kinds of blowups are rare)

osarusan

OP, you portray yourself as not saying anything inflammatory but only looking for solutions, but at the same time, you were saying he should have the balls to talk to you face to face.

That's absolutely inflammatory and in no way conducive to resolving anything.

Both of you seem to overreact to little things and both of you seem to know which buttons to press to set the other off. Horrible way to communicate.

Mrcaramelchoc

whisky_galore wrote: »

It's a term of endearment in Australia.

Yes i do know that.jaysus if i called my wife a **** id be ****ed out.and rightly so imo.

Anongirl306

I get the silent treatment for a whole day, followed by a text message when I’m in work. Then he locks himself in the spare room so we can’t have a conversation. I understand where you all are coming from about my comment being provocative but I think it’s a cowardly way to behave and does not justify calling me a c***. Why not address the issue face to face at home?
To the person who suggested not bringing my phone to work - my role requires me to be in 3 WhatsApp chats that are active every day. This cold shoulder thing has happened for something as trivial as my phone alarm waking him up. Then whenever he’s over it he’ll want to go back to normal and act like nothing happened. I have suggested counseling before and he shot it down.

qwerty13

You’re entirely blaming his approach to (his lack of ability) dealing with conflict.

Your own approach was as bad, just different.

You’re giving out about him being silent - but you sulk. Not too fundamentally different there really. Both immature ways of dealing with conflict.

cj maxx

People read too much into using the C word. It's no different to bitch,fcuker etc . It was in an argument so people say stuff they normally wouldn't say, in the heat of the moment.
Also did you OP talk to him calmly or at him.
My ex partner does that . There's no actual discussion, she'd calmly talk AT me paying no attention to what I was actually trying to convey, just calmly recite her position

Hannibal_Smith

You may not see them as the same thing, but he clearly does and I would too. Again, not everyone else would, but I would. You insulted him. He insulted you back. He got just as upset with your comment as you're getting about his. Why are you allowed be offended, but he isn't?

I would be furious if my husband called me a c***, but if things escalated that far I'd have a serious think about how we both got there. Would it be reasonable to assume he doesn't call you that often? So how did you get there.

He did a quiz for his family, organised it, did up the questions, you asked if you could add your questions, he said no. You sulked. The family may not have noticed, but he noticed an atmosphere beside him during something he'd put a bit of effort in to and was probably looking forward to. I'd be really hacked off if my husband did that. He was really immature to go off and sulk, and he shouldn't have to be coaxed into dealing with a disagreement, but when tensions are high throwing petrol on it won't resolve it. And you treated him exactly the same when you sulked, but even worse you did it during something that was important to him.

I think counselling is a great idea, so you both can see how you're winding each other up. If he won't go to that, see if you can work out where to go from here.

Some people aren't great at arguing. The silent treatment is childish, but I wonder whether he thinks if he's going to get his head snapped off and just leaves it.

You both owe each other an apology, the way I'm reading it.

HildaOgdenx

Silent treatment and sulking are both, imo, childish behaviours. Best left behind in very early childhood. Possibly learned behaviour, on both of your parts.

You need to sit down together and discuss your relationship quietly and calmly. I know this is a snapshot of it, and you say it's 'for the most part, great' but do either of you want to live like this, longterm?
I wouldn't have the energy, personally.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions

IMO your behavior was just as bad, and he just responded in kind. You most definitely are playing down your own behavior in this scenario, and did make inflammatory comments.


It may be a good time to look at the relationship in the cold light of day. not because he called you a bad name after you questioned his manhood. But because you may need to decide if this relationship is worth the effort, if you are a good fit to each other and compatible long term.

Also importantly do you actually love him ?

Jayesdiem

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I get the silent treatment for a whole day, followed by a text message when I’m in work. Then he locks himself in the spare room so we can’t have a conversation. I understand where you all are coming from about my comment being provocative but I think it’s a cowardly way to behave and does not justify calling me a c***. Why not address the issue face to face at home?
To the person who suggested not bringing my phone to work - my role requires me to be in 3 WhatsApp chats that are active every day. This cold shoulder thing has happened for something as trivial as my phone alarm waking him up. Then whenever he’s over it he’ll want to go back to normal and act like nothing happened. I have suggested counseling before and he shot it down.

The word c*** has no more intrinsic value than “fool” or “plonker” or “stupid face”. Stop concentrating on the semantics and address the issue.

osarusan

Jayesdiem wrote: »

The word c*** has no more intrinsic value than “fool” or “plonker” or “stupid face”. Stop concentrating on the semantics and address the issue.

I think this is a silly line of thinking to be honest. Yes, words are just collections of letters and the value is placed on them by individuals.


But the point is that these insults have value, and different insults have different strengths, and those values and strengths are for the most part shared and understood by members of a society, and words are selected for use based on these shared understandings.

The OP's partner chose the word 'c**t' over the word 'plonker' for a reason - because it more appropriately explains the values or strength they want to express. Likewise, the OP chose the expression 'have the balls to...' over other similar expressions, for the same reason.

So (and I know you didn't say this) whether or not 'c**t' is a tem of endearment in Australia is irrelevant here (unless maybe the OP's partner is Australian). We are talking about the shared understanding of the term, and the shared understanding of its strength, in the Irish context.

I agree that there are wider issues here beyond the use of a particular word, but the use of that word has meaning.

bitofabind

Sounds exhausting. All these ego wars and he-said she-said. He's passive aggressive, you're prone to sulking and overreacting. One triggers the other and round and round we go.

Do you love this man? If so, knock on the door to the spare room, go in and apologise. Tell him you're sorry you acted immaturely and embarrassed him in front of his family at the weekend. Tell him you love him and you hate the way things escalate when there's conflict and you'd like to find a better way of dealing with things when either of you is upset. Because cursing each other out by text only adds to the problem and it hurts you when he shuts down for days.

The fact that you think him calling you a swear word is the biggest problem here is quite revealing, as you're still trying to "win" this argument. You have to be right and he has to be wrong and apologise to move forward. He won't apologise because he's still upset that you ruined his family event. Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be happy? Successful conflict resolution involves empathy, leaving your ego at the door and being vulnerable. I love you and I want us to handle these situations more effectively than this. Are you able to do that?

Anongirl306

I didn’t embarrass him in front of his family.
Maybe I’m in a minority here but the c**** word is not thrown around freely in our house in the context of a disagreement. In fact he’s never called me that or anything other names. I find the word vulgar and disrespectful. The intention behind it is what the real issue is - trying to hurt me, repeating it 3 times using capital letters for maximum effect, and telling me I can go and get my own groceries when I don’t have a car, and that I can arrange to pick up a kitchen counter that I bought for our house by myself. Reflecting, I do understand that my ‘have the balls’ comment was insulting and I can see why it angered him.