Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Neyite

My reading of this is that he hasn't really apologised. You have. He hasn't really examined his behaviour here and looked at ways to change for the better. You have - you got some pretty blunt replies that were critical of your part in the argument and you took those on board. You've tried to discuss it while he's stonewalled, and now making excuses that he 'didn't properly read your text'. You asked for counselling, he's offered you a monthly chat to what? is that going to just be a list of misdeeds of yours that he finds fault with and you can't say anything to him in case he locks you out, locks himself away or creates the kind of home atmosphere that has your stomach in knots for days on end.

A question to ask yourself: If you didn't have a house together, and didn't have 5 years under your belt with him, and if you didn't have a wedding looming, honestly ask yourself would you stay? And the next question to ask yourself is, can you take the risk of having kids with a man like this who is unlikely to change and who may never change?

Sunny Disposition

Really should call off the wedding at a very minimum.

If you see some hope for the relationship insist he go to counselling with you and see if ye can work on things. He surely has to agree to the counselling now, don’t dream of continuing the relationship otherwise.

Maybe it’d be better to leave the relationship and move on? There are obviously very serious issues between ye, doesn’t sound like ye are suited tempermentally. Maybe not anyone’s fault, just incompatible?

Tork

Neyite wrote: »

My reading of this is that he hasn't really apologised. You have. He hasn't really examined his behaviour here and looked at ways to change for the better.

I think he knew he was pushing an open door and has fobbed you off. Even towards the end of the original thread, I got the impression that you'd go back on your decision to end things in a heartbeat.

We are only hearing your side of the story so we don't know how you behave in the relationship and if your side of things can be improved. I still think he is the one who has to do far more of the changing if this relationship can be saved. A lot of his protracted silences are pre-meditated and used as a way to bully you into submission. I find it hard to understand how somebody is capable of losing their temper on a Saturday or Sunday and then stays "angry" for days on end. Somewhere along the way, the anger gave way to a desire to punish you. I'm not buying his story about why he continued the row either. There is still a lot to unpick here.

I think you're going to give things another go but as I've already advised, you should postpone your wedding. I'm not convinced your problems as a couple are going to magically vanish just because he has sort of acknowledged his part in your problems. You mentioned before that you've attempted to address his silences but it didn't work out. He might have made more promising noises this time because he could see himself having to find somewhere else to live. If I was in your shoes, I would give things at least year or 18 months before making any decisions. That'll be long enough for the current scare to wear off and for you to see if he has indeed changed his ways. I also hope that he will seek professional help for his anger issues and that you talk to somebody by yourself. I can't shake the feeling that you should be talking to a professional about this relationship.

If you've never heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy, I recommend you read about it (link to one article is here).

I suspect he'll change just enough to keep you, but not enough for you to never worry about what mood he's in, if a day out is going to be ruined, or if you can stop him blowing up at the kids for doing something silly in the future.

He locked you out, he ignored you, he called you names, and only when it looked like you were gone did he put any effort into speaking. You're not perfect either, but you extended olive branches that he ignored until the very last minute.

You have only one life, be careful you don't sleepwalk into spending it tiptoeing around his moods and temper because he's saying what you want to hear.

NeonCookies

OP, the way people deal with anger is a very deep set thing which is formed from our earliest experiences, the models of emotional expression we saw growing up and the subsequent experiences we've had through life. This means it's not an easy thing to change. It's not as simple as "from now on I will do XYZ instead". It takes work, commitment and reflection to change the habits of a lifetime.

For small issues you could work through these things with just your partner. For example, I have an issue with getting defensive too quickly when I perceive feedback to be critical and I am constantly working on this in partnership with my fiance (who of course has his own things he works on too). But for something as big as repeatedly completely shutting someone out for a week for minor incidents...he, and you both, need counselling to support any meaningful change.

If he truly did get the shock of his life when you ended it and he truly wants to work to make your relationship better then he should be willing to engage in counselling. I'd make that a necessary part of deciding to try again. If he won't then I wouldn't stay with him, let alone marry him.

osarusan

5 days he stayed in that room.

5 days he must have known he was behaving like a total baby.

He has refused counselling before right? So even though the way he bottles up his anger is really painful and destructive, he never felt the need to do anything about it until now, when you stood up to him finally.

It's hard to contemplate the idea of not being together with somebody that you planned and hoped to spend the rest of your life with, but you also have to ask yourself - Do you have any genuine reason to believe that things will actually be any different from now on?

strandroad

He had a few days to read and reread your messages. He either ignored them or is not truthful now.

You're getting some great advice about counselling, but his pattern of deflection hasn't really changed even after an event like that so can it ever?

Big Bag of Chips

He read your text wrong? Which one? And when did he actually read it properly?

Breaking up is difficult. Made more difficult by the fact that you are planning a wedding. People know you are getting married and people are expecting you to get married. But seriously, the worst thing you could possibly do now is continue with your wedding plans. This relationship is really unlikely to last the distance. And if it does last it will only because you back off and walk on eggshells to avoid another tantrum.

Your behaviour wasn't ideal. His was downright nasty, childish and manipulative. It wasn't done in the spur of the moment. It wasn't a misjudged bad reaction to a situation one night. He locked himself away from you for a week. When you told him you needed to talk he warned you that he wasn't going to listen to you making a big deal out of this. He was putting you in your place. If you hadn't approached him to talk he'd still be locked in the bedroom now. Ignoring you.

I know that you are probably going to give it another chance. For yourself you probably feel you owe the relationship the chance to see if you can actually make it work. Very few people walk away at the first breakup and never look back. But I would suggest if you agree to give the relationship a chance that you have it clear in your head what your line is. If there's a repeat of this sort of reaction in the future will that be your line? Or will you give him another chance after that? If you find yourself compromising a lot in order to keep the peace, will that be your line?

I think you should hold strong and not go back to him. He doesn't take you seriously. He doesn't treat you like an adult or an equal. He didn't take you seriously last week when he chose to ignore you, and he didn’t take you seriously when you said you wanted to end it. He knows he can get around you. He always has done.

My guess is he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear to get the response he wants (you two back together and back to 'normal' pretty soon). I can guarantee you if you tell him that you're not sure about getting back together and you actually hold firm on it. I give it less than a day before he starts abusing you and calling you names again, because he's used to getting his own way.

Realt Dearg Sec

to echo that last post, and a few before it: what's clearly happened here is that he was seeking to manipulate the situation through blanking you but when you stood up to it and ended things, he realised he had overplayed his hand, that he didn't have the kind of leverage he thought he did.

Now, setting aside the fact that being in a relationship where your interactions feel like a power struggle is pretty awful, I think now would be a really bad time to stand down. He is hoping to get things back to how they were before he screwed things up with his tantrum, and to do so with as little effort as possible on his part. But from where we're looking at it, he has a lot of proving to do that he is someone you would want to be married to. A "maintenance chat" does sound suspiciously like he thinks you do lots of things wrong and the solution is that he should have a chance to tell you about them more often. I would suggest you lay out some pretty stringent rules about what he's going to have to do before your relationship moves back to normal.

I would start with insisting on counselling, with no workaround for that. If he won't do that then it's done. I'm betting when that's made clear, he does it. I would also insist that he come clean about this misreading your text codology. It doesn't bode well if he won't be honest even about this stuff, because that's just evading his need to take responsibility for his own childish reaction, as if it would have been understandable except for misreading the text. Related: he needs to acknowledge not just that giving your fiance the silent treatment and generally intimidating them isn't acceptable. Not just say he's sorry, but demonstrate clearly that he understands why it is wrong, that it is manipulative and intimidating. And he needs to demonstrate in a sustained way that he loves you and is able to give you the kind of freedom and peace of mind that people who love each other give.

But personally, I would call all of that a bare minimum, and for me the whole episode would be all I need to know to realise I've no intention of spending my life with that person. I understand, though, it's easy to say walk away on the internet, it's a different story when it's real life, and either way I suspect you've already decided to give him another chance. But I wouldn't let him off easy. He has a lot of making up to do before he should feel any way comfortable.

notsoyoungwan

Op, please re-read my earlier post in this thread. It tells you what it’s like to grow up as the child of a man like this. When I read your update, I actually got that ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling in my stomach. I know what he’s like. You’re after giving him a fright now so he’ll do whatever he thinks it takes to get you back. But all that does is show him that he can treat you as badly as he did (ignoring you for days, blaming you for it all, frightening you, locking your out) and all he has to do is lie low and then say he misread the text and make other pathetic promises and you’ll go back. It mightn’t be too long before he hits you, but that won’t be his fault either, you’ll have driven him to it, or he’ll have misheard something you said. It won’t be his fault anyway. So the next time, you’ll modify your behaviour yet again. Except, the time after that, there’ll be another excuse. And the time after that. And you’ll end up a shell of a woman afraid of her own shadow.

Don’t put yourself in this situation and please, please don’t bring kids into this. I have huge resentment towards my mother (even though I know she was a victim too) but there have been so many times over the years when I thought to myself that she chose to stay with him, and made that choice for her children. We didn’t have that choice for so many years, so we were stuck in that hostile damaging situation.

Big Bag of Chips

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I have huge resentment towards my mother (even though I know she was a victim too) but there have been so many times over the years when I thought to myself that she chose to stay with him, and made that choice for her children. We didn’t have that choice for so many years, so we were stuck in that hostile damaging situation.

Take particular notice of this, OP. There are many threads here from adult children of abusive fathers, or alcoholic fathers etc and the common theme running through them all is in almost all cases the adult child feels resentment towards their mother. It is acknowledged that the father was the problem, but the resentment is directed at the mother for not protecting them and for "allowing" them to live that life. For "allowing" the father to be a dickhead. Even though most adults see that their mother was a victim, she gets the blame for not walking away. And it's easier to direct anger at someone who will take it rather than the abusive person who will never acknowledge they are the problem.

My friend was married to a drug addict alcoholic. He promised the sun, moon and stars to the children and always let them down. Wouldn't show up for access, would only spend a few minutes with them. One of the children in particular used to blame her mother for everything. If he didn't show up, it was her fault. She would never ever say a word against her dad, or she would never let him know he had upset her, purely out of fear that he'd just walk away and not bother. This child felt this responsibility from the age of 6.

Don't let him talk you back with a few short sentences. You ended this bevayse last week or came to a head. It was a culmination of all these types of episodes. Years of it. And now with a few words of "I read the text wrong" he expects it to be all forgotten and you'll go back to "normal" pretty soon.

Maybe you will go back to normal, but it doesn't have to be today, or this weekend, or next week. If you (both) are willing to make real changes in order to be able to spend your lives together, then there's no rush. Take a couple of weeks away to both realise what it is you both want, and what you both don't want. My guess is if you don't fall into line immediately and tell him what he wants you to say he won't be bothered waiting a few weeks to work this out. He'll tell you to fk off and stop making a big deal out of nothing.

Won't he?

Idle Passerby

I wasted 6 years on and off with a guy similar to this. I lost count of how many times I left him only to be drawn back with weak promises and pathetic begging. It wears you down and that's the idea. They want you to just quietly accept all the bullsh1t and each time you do it's easier for them to do it again. In the end it feels like less hassle to give in. It's a form of brainwashing.

When I left my ex for the last time he plagued me for a full year with constant phonecalls, and turning up at my house and work unannounced. By taking him back so many times I'd lead him to believe that a certain amount of effort on his part would have me back again. It takes huge determination and will to continually assert to someone like this that it's over, especially if you have feelings for them regardless. The bright side of it is, each time you repeat that it's over and refuse to entertain their please you get more determined that it is over for good and you can feel the grip loosening.

My advice is remind yourself how unhappy and hopeless you feel when he stonewalls you for days. Do you want to be at the mercy of his moods for the rest of your life? You don't need him. Once you have some distance you might see that you loved him but what use is loving a person who makes you feel miserable?

rainbowtrout

OP, take on board everything that has been said above. He has done the absolute minimum to try and keep you dangling. There has been no apology for his behaviour. Telling you 'he didn't read your text properly' is a total lie, and it is not an apology. Even think about that lie, if he didn't read your text properly what did he think you said. Because from what you've posted here you made it clear that you were apologising for your end of things and wanted to talk to sort it out. What could have been misconstrued by that? He realises for the first time that you mean business, but he hasn't offered you an olive branch or made any big effort to apologise for his behaviour. He hasn't offered an apology at all or taken any responsibility or blame for all of this. He is doing the absolute minimum he thinks will be enough to trap you in this relationship. If it doesn't work this week, he will step up his campaign and make one or two other promises (which won't be kept in the long run). If you accept his deal, you are telling him that you are willing to put up with his abuse.

I can also guarantee you that if you continue this relationship, that it will get worse, and you will be back on this thread in 3-6 months time looking for advice about even worse treatment that you are currently receiving. If you continue with him, he will probably talk you into continuing with the wedding plans (he will probably say, 'no need to cancel just yet, we'll keep working on our relationship and see where we are in a few months or some such bull), and you will find it harder to get out of as the date looms closer.

Is this what you want as a life? Remember, this isn't a once off incident.

Tork

I thought we were happy, in between these incidents everything is wonderful.

This is the sort of thing women in physically abusive relationships say. I urge you to go speak to a counsellor (by yourself!) and tease all of this out. I think you'll find that your relationship isn't half as "wonderful" as you think it is. When these silences happen, you are the one who gives in and goes back to toeing the line. I have a feeling that a lot of this relationship revolves around you appeasing him and keeping things calm, even if you don't know that you're doing it. We can only advise you based on what you're typing on an anonymous internet forum. You need to have at least one session with a counsellor who specialises in relationships. I understand why you might not want to open that can of worms but can you afford not to?

The more I think about what happened since this most recent weekend, the more I believe you would be making a mistake in taking him back. As everybody has correctly pointed out, he hasn't actually apologised for his appalling behaviour or volunteered to go for counselling. It isn't as if this particular C word hasn't been mentioned before. It also doesn't explain where all this anger came from, why he tormented you for a week by behaving like a **** and tried to lock you out of your house. Nor those vile texts he sent you where he told you he would be shutting you down and had no intention if listening to you. It is often said on this forum "When somebody tells you who they are, listen to them". If 5 years of this behaviour isn't a message, I don't know what is.

How much of your thinking is being guided by the following. The wedding - the thoughts of postponing that are too awful to contemplate. The house - having to put it on the market, pack up your things and find somewhere else to live. Throwing away a 5 year relationship and saying goodbye to your plans. Being single and facing an uncertain future. All of the above are scaring the hell out of you, aren't they?

Caranica

OP if you cut and paste all your posts into one document and read them you'll be shocked at how anyone could want to be in this relationship.

I started keeping a private blog of incidents when my marriage started to break up. If ever I was tempted to go back I'd read that and remind myself that separating was the right decision. I consciously did that, you have done it in a different way.

Your update scared me, he's got under your skin again, please don't let him in. Did you see that solicitor last week? There is life beyond this relationship, you do not have to live life walking on eggshells.

Anongirl306

Thanks so much everyone, a lot of great advice there. I feel that my judgement has been clouded because I love him deeply and desperately want everything to work out. I can sense that he wants to go back to normal, e.g. trying to cuddle in bed etc which I haven’t been able to do. There’s been nothing beyond a bit of day to day chit chat this week because I really am not ready and I’m not over it. I hadn’t even thought of the fact that he hasn’t even apologized, just that he regretted certain parts of how he acted.

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone, a lot of great advice there. I feel that my judgement has been clouded because I love him deeply and desperately want everything to work out. I can sense that he wants to go back to normal, e.g. trying to cuddle in bed etc which I haven’t been able to do. There’s been nothing beyond a bit of day to day chit chat this week because I really am not ready and I’m not over it. I hadn’t even thought of the fact that he hasn’t even apologized, just that he regretted certain parts of how he acted.

OP I’m stunned that he’s back in your bedroom when you’ve told him you want space. He was happy enough in the spare room when he wanted to punish you?

Tork

OP, if you do nothing else will you please organise a Zoom counslling session for yourself.

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone, a lot of great advice there. I feel that my judgement has been clouded because I love him deeply and desperately want everything to work out. I can sense that he wants to go back to normal, e.g. trying to cuddle in bed etc which I haven’t been able to do. There’s been nothing beyond a bit of day to day chit chat this week because I really am not ready and I’m not over it. I hadn’t even thought of the fact that he hasn’t even apologized, just that he regretted certain parts of how he acted.

Thing is, he doesn't regret that. He didn't take the option of coming out of the room after two to three days when you texted him to try and sort things out. He chose to stay there 'and show you who's boss' by punishing you with the silent treatment for the guts of a week. Even after he came out of the room, he locked you out of the house. That wasn't a knee jerk reaction on the back of you having a row with him there and then. He told the tradesman to take the key knowing you couldn't get in. That is premeditated action.

His regret comes from the fact that you told him the relationship was over. He thought you'd just take his abuse like normal, and now he sees that you fought back and stood up for yourself. He wasn't expecting that. His only regret here is that it didn't play out as he intended. He'll just be more calculated in how he abuses you the next time if you stay with him.

Tork

The only thing he regrets is that he came perilously close to having to find somewhere else to live. OP, please park your desperation to make this relatihonship work for now and seek some counselling.

Banana Republic.

You need to really listen to how he made you feel, if you feel offended by his use of that word then you are well within your rights to be angry and feel disrespected. He needs to grow up and communicate like an adult, personally I can’t stand this not talking for days and the aggressive tone he took while also disrespecting you while you were in work also. If he’s not willing to communicate better then you’ve a choice to make either stand by your self worth or leave him continue to undermine you with this behaviour. It’s fairly toxic to know if he gets annoyed it’s silence for days. Up to you but that that’s my two cents.

Idle Passerby

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I love him deeply and desperately want everything to work out. I can sense that he wants to go back to normal, e.g. trying to cuddle in bed etc which I haven’t been able to do. There’s been nothing beyond a bit of day to day chit chat this week because I really am not ready and I’m not over it.

This is classic manipulation OP. My guy was the same. Full of affection when he was trying to win me back. Papering over the cracks with a few hugs and kisses. Back to being a cold fish once he knew I wasn't a flight risk. It messes with your head so that you doubt your own judgement.

People who've never been in this kind of abusive situation wonder why you stay, it's because your sense of what's real is completely muddied by the continual mixed signals.

I thought I loved my ex and that's why I kept trying. In hindsight I loved the promises he made about how our relationship could be. I kept hoping it would become what he said it would, it never did, because he liked it just the way it was. He won't change OP, he's only trying to keep you in the fixed pattern your in.

Xterminator

You need to really listen to how he made you feel, if you feel offended by his use of that word then you are well within your rights to be angry and feel disrespected.

But conversely no acknowledgment that when the OP demasculated her partner with her comments he should have the balls to talk to me face to face that he had the same rights and feelings.

Newbie20

I know it’s a hell of a lot easier for us to tell you online to break up than it is to actually do in real life. But you simply must finish it. Otherwise you are signing up to a life of misery. Everybody knows somebody like your fiancée and they just drain the energy completely from you and make you feel down when you wouldn’t normally be. There’s somebody better out there for you, if not then single life would be far better than that anyway.

To be honest OP, since you have reopened the thread, 100% of people have said that you are mad to continue it and that you should finish it. I feel like you aren’t going to take the advice so I’m not sure this thread is serving a purpose anymore. Best of luck with whatever you do.

Anongirl306

KiKi III wrote: »

OP I’m stunned that he’s back in your bedroom when you’ve told him you want space. He was happy enough in the spare room when he wanted to punish you?

He asked me if I wanted to go to his sisters birthday the following day, literally less than an hour after I asked for space (I said no), and tried to cuddle me when I was asleep that night. There was no bad intention - he just wanted to feel close I guess.
He senses my distance this week for sure. I am holding back because I still have so many doubts. But at the same time I feel that I need to really feel like he loves me and cares about me. I burnt my hand really badly in the kitchen one morning and when I got home from work that evening he noticed the dressing he said ‘oh yeah I forgot that happened’. I know that sounds so petty but I was actually a bit hurt that he didn’t even just ask if I was ok.
Separate beds for a while is maybe a good idea. I will book myself in for some therapy alone. I need that more than couples counseling to be honest. Also, with the key thing he told me it was a misunderstanding with the plumber, he thought it was a spare so I will take that at face value.

To a previous poster - am I frightened to start again? Absolutely - I’m 32 and thinking about dating, meeting someone that I’m compatible with leaves me with a narrow window to have children. I know that’s no reason to stay but it is something that I’m very aware of.

The wedding thing - yes it would be embarrassing and a bit of a nightmare to cancel everything but I could get over that and I know I have the full support of my family and friends no matter what

jelly&icecream

Please don't marry him or have kids with him. You've seen clearly how selfish he is. He won't change.

bitofabind

Anongirl306 wrote: »

To a previous poster - am I frightened to start again? Absolutely - I’m 32 and thinking about dating, meeting someone that I’m compatible with leaves me with a narrow window to have children. I know that’s no reason to stay but it is something that I’m very aware of.

I was 32 and in a damaging relationship when I first posted in this forum 2.5 years ago. See my username? That was a description of what I was going through at the time. I'd been with this guy for seven years and loved him to death but we were killing each other. He had alcohol issues, there were major financial incompatibilities, he was lying, gaslighting, making constant broken promises and I was deathly scared of being single and "starting again." The trust was gone and the relationship was hurting us both.

The advice I got here at the time was unanimous - you have no choice. Being single is the only shot you have at happiness, security and stability. Those kids you want? Have them with him and you're trapping not just yourself but a family into a dysfunctional life where they're always on edge. You'll offer your kids no emotional security and safety. They'll resent you and be damaged by it.

So I left him and went through the worst pain I've been through as an adult but came out the other end of it. Life doesn't always work out according to plan. I still want the relationship, the partnership, the family, all of that stuff. I still see the ticking clock. But I had a big choice to make and I chose peace of mind and autonomy and my own self-worth over a life full of regret and misery. I can see now it was the only choice I could make. I still care about him but I care about me more, it's as simple as that. I deserve better, I know that now and I lead with that when I meet new men.

Please don't make a life-changing decision here based on the fear of being single. It is the single worst thing you can do for your sense of self-confidence, pride, happiness and self-respect moving forward. Ignoring your instincts always comes at a cost. And what's "right" is sometimes what's also the harder, more painful decision in the end.

Sunny Disposition

Don't be afraid of being single, it's far better than being in a relationship where you won't be happy. I know that sounds simplistic, but it actually is simple. You might have one hard year, but it'd be worth it if the current relationship isn't working. You still would have time for kids with someone else, but don't waste more years on this guy if it isn't working or likely to improve.
It does sound like the communication between ye is terrible, and ye obviously fight pretty hard. Maybe you'd be better off without that, and try to meet someone you are suited to?

Tork

Anongirl306 wrote: »

...then whenever he’s over it he’ll want to go back to normal and act like nothing happened.

In other words, it's business as usual at home. Last week was an escalation on what normally happens in your home. I don't think it's any coincidence that straight after your talk, he was acting as if things were back to normal again. Inviting you to his sister's birthday and cuddling up to you in bed. Move along, nothing to see here.

Let's not forget that 5 days after the original row, he was still so consumed with anger and spite that he sent you the following text.
Your attitude stinks and i don't see a resolution here. Deny deny deny, that's the bottom line. It's funny how no matter what you do or how and argument or tension pans out, it always ends up with you being this poor victim who has been put through all this turmoil. So why start? Easiest thing is for you to tell yourself i'm at fault and let's just forget about it.
What do you think your parents would say if you were to show them that text? Or your friends? Or to turn it around - if one of your friends was going this and showed you those texts, would you be urging her to stay? I have the feeling that you're in a different relationship to the one you think you're in.

Banana Republic.

Xterminator wrote: »

But conversely no acknowledgment that when the OP demasculated her partner with her comments he should have the balls to talk to me face to face that he had the same rights and feelings.

Yes and she acknowledged that they needed to talk things over and that’s the opportunity to discuss this but by his ignorance or inability to communicate this then the issue can’t be addressed.