Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

leggo wrote: »

The way he’s behaving is childish af tbh, and you probably are both better off cutting your losses. I know the way he’s taken that apology, it’s an “I’m sorry but...” and as the phrase goes “Everything before the but is horse****.” Not that I’m saying that’s the case, it’s just almost definitely how he read it. Having said that, you acknowledged his feelings and it sounds like a decent apology so he should’ve just taken the olive branch.

The reality is none of us can really assess who’s to blame here. Some of the stuff saying to call Women’s Aid is a bit hysterical tbh, Women’s Aid wouldn’t have any time to get to real abuse victims if they were backlogged with every person who’s partner was bad at communication and got in a huff with them for a few days. Plus I’m a bit skeptical we’re hearing a one-sided version of this given the angle he’s taking in his responses and that you’ve already tried to get us on side with a bit of emotional manipulation by randomly mentioning how you work in Healthcare (still baffled as to how “I couldn’t text as I was in work” didn’t suffice).

But all of this emanating from a family Zoom quiz is just a sign that the two of you aren’t able to get through basic tasks as a couple without blowing up into some next level drama. I’m amazed you’ve made it as far together as buying a house tbh. You’d both almost definitely be happier with people who could communicate on your respective wavelengths. It shouldn’t be this difficult.

Of course you’re hearing one side - this is the nature of this forum.
With regards to working in healthcare - my job carries high risk and responsibility so that if I’m upset or distracted and make an error it can have very serious consequences - so it is completely relevant.

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Of course you’re hearing one side - this is the nature of this forum.
With regards to working in healthcare - my job carries high risk and responsibility so that if I’m upset or distracted and make an error it can have very serious consequences - so it is completely relevant.

I believe so too OP. Choosing to text you about this while you’re at work caring for people who need your attention instead of resolving it in person at home was childish of him.

If you worked in Spar it wouldn’t be such a big deal but even still very immature of him to refuse to speak at home and then text while you’re at work.

How are things now?

osarusan

Whatever about how it started (you were both silly) his continued over-reaction is pathetic. You've offered an olive branch a couple of times, he's crapped all over it. Even if it is just his way, he can't fail to realise that how utterly immature he is being.

I wonder he has some other grievance that is the real issue, and he is blowing up this one because he feels he can 'use' it in some way.

Hannibal_Smith

Resolving an issue between you both after 5 years shouldn't have to be micro managed and coaxed to this degree. Slamming doors, not speaking, locking himself away and telling you to get your own shopping is blowing it all out of total proportion.

He does owe you an apology and you're right to say he was out of line too.

Anongirl306

KiKi III wrote: »

I believe so too OP. Choosing to text you about this while you’re at work caring for people who need your attention instead of resolving it in person at home was childish of him.

If you worked in Spar it wouldn’t be such a big deal but even still very immature of him to refuse to speak at home and then text while you’re at work.

How are things now?

He’s still locked in the spare room avoiding me. I’m coming to terms with the fact the relationship is over and preparing to sort out my finances etc. he is unwilling to work to resolve it so we’ve got nothing

Anongirl306

Anongirl306 wrote: »

He’s still locked in the spare room avoiding me. I’m coming to terms with the fact the relationship is over and preparing to sort out my finances etc. he is unwilling to work to resolve it so we’ve got nothing

I generally really don't like to encourage someone to do this on an internet forum, bit in this instance I think it may be appropriate..

Porklife

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

How did we go from a zoom night to an argument to separation and solicitors in 24 hours?

Neither of you appear ready for marriage to be honest. In fact you reminded me of my eldest daughter and her boyfriend. They have broken up at least 20 times so far this year.

Completely agree with the above so much so that I'll reiterate it...how did we go from zoom to solicitors in 24 hours?

It's both bizarre yet perfectly clear - you guys are not working compatibly at the moment. There must have been a point in time where you were in love and in synch, otherwise you wouldn't be engaged I should think.
Can you get back there OP? Or is the path too shady now with too much water under the bridge?
Think about how much you loved/love him...do you still? Does he? Don't throw it away without giving it some really solid thought which obviously you are doing.
I hope it works out

Anongirl306

I’m here alone and my mind is going into overdrive, I’m worrying about how to actually go about breaking up, like what to say, what do to about the house (deeds are 80% in my name because I paid much more) what if it gets messy, what if he doesn’t want to leave the house, what if he gets nasty, he seems very volatile at the moment. This is not a decision I am taking lightly this is the final straw, I used to think we could work through things but that’s been lost now

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I’m here alone and my mind is going into overdrive, I’m worrying about how to actually go about breaking up, like what to say, what do to about the house (deeds are 80% in my name because I paid much more) what if it get messy, what if he doesn’t want to leave the house, what if he gets nasty, he seems very volatile at the moment

There’s no point worrying about all that right now, it’s much further down the line. It might end up being straightforward if he’ll let you but out his 20% once he calms down.

For the minute, try and find family or friends you can talk to. Figure out what you actually want. Try and get a good night’s sleep.

rapul

What a **** storm, you are both to blame and equally as immature but yes you should get your affairs in order if in such a small amount of time u went from a zoom call to solicitors and dividing who owns what of a house. You've gotten all u need from this thread, goodluck with what you do but tbh imo you really need to just look after yourself, I don't know either of you but you are both beyond immature and this will only get worse. Look after yourself but learn a lesson from this and don't do what you did with the zoom call again, pathetic behaviour, and I'm not dismissing how your bf has been acting but after you saying grow a pair or however you put it that's childish and a low blow, bad form. Goodluck.

TheW1zard

Dump his ass, have some self respect and dont tolerate being talked to like that.
If that happened over a zoom quiz god knows what he would be like over something serious.
Dont wait

KiKi III

rapul wrote: »

What a **** storm, you are both to blame and equally as immature but yes you should get your affairs in order if in such a small amount of time u went from a zoom call to solicitors and dividing who owns what of a house. You've gotten all u need from this thread, goodluck with what you do but tbh imo you really need to just look after yourself, I don't know either of you but you are both beyond immature that this will only get worse. Look after yourself but learn a lesson from this and don't do what you did with the zoom call again, pathetic behaviour, and I'm not dismissing how your bf has been acting but after you saying grow a pair or however you put it that's childish and a low blow, bad form. Goodluck.

OP, don’t take posts like this too much to heart. Couples have tiffs like the one that started this all the time; silly little arguments that get blown out of proportion. It’s not that unusual and it doesn’t make you immature or pathetic, really poorly chosen words for this forum IMO.

The argument may have started over something small but it’s obvious it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. If this was a one off you’d probably try harder to resolve it but if it’s been happening regularly it seems unlikely that you can do so.

rapul

KiKi III wrote: »

OP, don’t take posts like this too much to heart. Couples have tiffs like the one that started this all the time; silly little arguments that get blown out of proportion. It’s not that unusual and it doesn’t make you immature or pathetic, really poorly chosen words for this forum IMO.

The argument may have started over something small but it’s obvious it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. If this was a one off you’d probably try harder to resolve it but if it’s been happening regularly it seems unlikely that you can do so.

Your opinion yes but different to my opinion. They are both equally as immature and pathetic imo, children if you will. She is better off without him and vice versa, hence I said get your affairs in order, I'm on the fence here unlike some it seems. It's a huge mess and I feel for you but dump him and move on and get your affairs in order, this is not normal behaviour ,his response to ur most recent txt is ridiculous you would be well getting rid but the heart wants what it wants but I would say get out but once again learn and don't be so childish over something so pointless as a zoom call, I would say the same to him but your the one here.

Anongirl306

Thanks for all the constructive advice that’s been given so far. To those calling me pathetic, wow you are lucky that hormones / covid anxiety / whatever else has never caused you to have a wobble once in a while. People can be so quick to judge based on one incident. But then you don’t know me personally so I won’t take it personal

Purgative

All the very best Anongirl.


I hope you find some sort of equilibrium soon.

Jimmy Garlic

Did his potty mouth come out of self isolation the spare bedroom yet? The whole story is tragic beyond belief.

Anongirl306

Still not out of isolation yet. At the moment my focus is on taking care of myself mentally. Wasted energy trying to figure out what’s going on in his head. And I also have to figure out how to take the next steps

Tork

Have you spoken to anybody from your family? It might help to ring them up.

Anongirl306

Tork wrote: »

Have you spoken to anybody from your family? It might help to ring them up.

I have Tork been keeping in touch with my family daily via phone calls and WhatsApp which has been a huge support

Anongirl306

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I have Tork been keeping in touch with my family daily via phone calls and WhatsApp which has been a huge support

What is their opinion of him? It's possible that they have have seen through him long before now. How does he get on with other people, does he have any/many friends?

Porklife

I'm just wondering when did you guys last get along really well and feel happy and content with him and him with you? You know that lovely warm fuzzy feeling?
Have things been going downhill for a while?
I use the word **** myself so I'd be a hypocrite to be hard on him for saying it but I use it only in jest like .. some **** skipped me in the queue. It would take alot to call my sister or a friend a ****...alot. it's a horrible word used out of context.
Back on track though, I totally get how arguments escalate but his sulking seems so disproportionate to what happened. I don't think you acted that immaturly even. Sure, you shouldn't have been pouty about the quiz but I understand why you were and I'd actually find that a little endearing. I just hope you do whatever is best for you and often space gives us the clarity we need to make the right decision.
My take is this....if he wants the spare room...by god give him the spare room, in fact give him all the spare rooms in the world and leave him in there with his pram and toys. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible but it also kind of sounds solvable with some proper communication.
I'm contradicting myself here. I guess my overall advice is to take some time out.

Anongirl306

I thought we were happy, in between these incidents everything is wonderful. The problem is that he doesn’t want to resolve it after me asking. Seems there’s nothing left for me to do but leave. I’m not going to beg him to work through this when he clearly doesn’t want to. I don’t even know how to tell him I can’t do this anymore and it’s best if we part ways, because he locks himself in the spare room whenever I’m at home

Tork

Have you tried knocking on the spare room door and saying "John, we need to talk"?

Anongirl306

I haven’t Tork, I know that sounds idiotic, I suppose I’m wary of how the conversation will go because he still seems so angry

Over a feckin zoom quiz.. Jesus..

Telly

Time to knock on that door and tell him to get out and sort this out or you're ending the relationship and moving out. You are going out with a stroppy teenager!

KiKi III

Telly wrote: »

Time to knock on that door and tell him to get out and sort this out or you're ending the relationship and moving out. You are going out with a stroppy teenager!

Don’t move out OP. It’s more your house than his, he could change the locks.

Porklife

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I haven’t Tork, I know that sounds idiotic, I suppose I’m wary of how the conversation will go because he still seems so angry

Ah come on for Christs sake...you told him to grow some balls...try taking your own advice and knocking on the door of your so called future husband.
My sympathy for you is waning rapidly now.
Pair of you in it.

Tork

Are you scared of what he might do to you?

Hannibal_Smith

OP at this stage, I think you're right not to inflame the matter any further. Making strides to resolve an argument in person rather than over the phone is one thing. His behaviour is completely outrageous.

He couldn't make it any clearer to you that he doesn't want to communicate. You apologised yesterday and he feels you're laying all the blame on him and is refusing to talk to you. This is a recurring sequence of events.

To be perfectly honest I think knocking on his door is just pandering to him. He's a grown adult who has a part to play in resolving this too. If he doesn't want to, you can't force him.