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One-Liner Jokes

1…8384868889…118

Comments

  • #4252
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Why? You chicken?


  • #4253
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Why? You chicken?
    [incoming acquisition]

    *ducks*


  • #4254
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Oh, let's not make a meal out of it!


  • #4255
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    New Home wrote: »
    Oh, let's not make a meal out of it!
    Foiled again!


  • #4256
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Oh, let's not make a meal out of it!
    Yes, it's hard to swallow.


  • #4257
    bilbot79
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,044 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Yes, it's hard to swallow.

    Better on a spit then


  • #4258
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Iraqi comedy club...Badgag.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4259
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    For sale: downhill skis, descent condition.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4260
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Who doesnt love a rhetorical question?
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #4261
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,869 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    greenspurs wrote: »
    Who doesnt love a rhetorical question?

    Who cares?

    Right?


  • #4262
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Nobodys perfcet ......
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4263
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backwards, it’s even more stupid.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4264
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backwards, it’s even more stupid.

    It took me waaay too long to read that backwards and work it out ;)


  • #4265
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Every fish you catch and release goes home with an alien abduction story.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4266
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

    Bubble 07
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #4267
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Man addicted to drinking brake fluid claims he can stop anytime he wants

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4268
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Reading a book about How to make Glue....

    Finding it hard to put it down ......
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4269
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Are you stuck on a particular chapter? What's the part that grabs you the most?


  • #4270
    Remouad
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Remouad


    The Furniture Store keeps calling me.

    All I wanted was one night stand....


  • #4271
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Remouad wrote: »
    The Furniture Store keeps calling me.

    All I wanted was one night stand....


    Maybe they just wanted to turn the tables on you :P

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4272
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I threw a ball for my dog, he looks good in a dinner jacket.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4273
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I could murder a bowl or two of frosted flakes in the morning. Guess that makes me a cereal killer?


  • #4274
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said 'do you mind waiting a bit?'
    I said 'No'..'Good' he said. 'Take these drinks to table nine'.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4275
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If the fsrit and lsat lrtetes are cercrot the orehts can be in any oredr and you can siltl wrok out waht is mnaet qitue qilckuy.


  • #4276
    Diairist
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 367 ✭✭Diairist


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Maybe they just wanted to turn the tables on you :P
    Remouad wrote: »
    The Furniture Store keeps calling me.

    All I wanted was one night stand....


    That one floored me. (IGMC...)


  • #4277
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The wife and I often laugh about how competitive we both are, but I laugh more

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4278
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Bruce Willis is probably going to keep making action movies because you know what they say about old habits.


  • #4279
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    New Home wrote: »
    Bruce Willis is probably going to keep making action movies because you know what they say about old habits.




    I'd count up to three but there won't be a fourth


  • #4280
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I'd count up to three but there won't be a fourth
    Just like Indiana Jones :)

    In the case of Star Wars I'd make an exception and add Rogue One. Shame they never fleshed out the series.


  • #4281
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I sure hope we get this pandemic under control before tick season. If not, we'll have Corona and Lyme.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4282
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I sure hope we get this pandemic under control before tick season. If not, we'll have Corona and Lyme.


    Hell of a national hangover if we don't.


  • #4283
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just spent €500 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

    Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4284
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My mate failed his Aboriginal music exam...


    I asked him "did you redo it" .....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4285
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,869 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    "Paint the porch" he said, masonry paint on a car? but it didn't look too bad.


  • #4286
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A chap jumps in a taxi in London says, “King Arthur’s Close”. The taxi driver says, “Don’t worry mate, I’ll lose him at the lights”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4287
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,227 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My new range of concrete bird seed is impeccable.


  • #4288
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Anybody remember the Chiropractor joke I posted about a weak back

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4289
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,025 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Shovels: a groundbreaking invention!


  • #4290
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's making the latest headlines ? Corduroy pillows.


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  • #4291
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4292
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭trashcan


    New Home wrote: »
    Shovels: a groundbreaking invention!

    Velcro, what a rip off.



    (Courtesy of Tim Vine)


  • #4293
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    The Kamikaze reunion had to be cancelled due to covid.


  • #4294
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I used to work in China as a typewriter repair person. Place was great, saw loads of fantastic characters.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4295
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,635 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I used to work in China as a typewriter repair person. Place was great, saw loads of fantastic characters.

    Yeah, I know the type...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #4296
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,635 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    trashcan wrote: »
    Velcro, what a rip off.



    (Courtesy of Tim Vine)

    Vavcum cleaners. They suck.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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  • #4297
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Me: Say "Knock, knock.
    You: "Knock, knock."
    Me: "Who's there?"


  • #4298
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've been offered a job making plastic Draculas. There will only be two of us on the production line so I have to make every second count.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4299
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Don't know why people are so worried about the new Brazilian Covid strain as it only effects a small patch down south.


  • #4300
    Newuser2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 107 ✭✭Newuser2


    Missed my hospital appointment yesterday

    Went in the revolving door but ended up right back where I started


  • #4301
    Tommy Helpful Rent
    Posts: 13,688 ✭✭✭✭ Tommy Helpful Rent


    I always give 100%


    Which is why I no longer mark the Leaving Cert


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