What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash · 14-10-2020 11:47am

Cooked a lovely piece of hake last night for the dinner. There’s few things I dislike more than overcooked fish, and I’d had most of a bottle of cheap red wine by the time I got down to cooking it.

Must have been a little undercooked as I’ve been to the shïtter 9 times already this morning. Last discharge was just a thin stream of muddy water that sprayed the pan, and had me visiting the shower as part of the cleanup operation.

Feeling very dehydrated and lacking in energy now. And tetchy enough. Might have to avoid the current affairs forum.....

Hotblack Desiato · 14-10-2020 1:11pm

"a thin stream of muddy water that sprayed the pan" would describe most posts in there

gerrybbadd · 14-10-2020 2:59pm

Made an amateur mistake lads. Almost ashamed of myself.

Herself received a "consignment" of a product known as "bowel support" from a pharmacist friend. I believe the intention is it "firms up" the delivery of your stools.

Anyhow, me being me, I said i'd chance one, given the recent events. Let me tell ya, there wasn't much "firming up" done. I produced something this morning, i've never smelt nor seen the likes of it before. And pure, high pressure liquid. Noises were similar to a donkey high pressure pissing on a flat rock.

Lets just say, I have absolutely no recollection of eating burnt tyres.... and the colour - it was the exact same as the supplement. Sunshine yellow.

Sunchite

tgdaly · 14-10-2020 3:48pm

Just sat down for a Sir John Harrington there. Thing flew out of me like a train from the Seikan Tunnel, lovely stuff. Hit the water with some thud, like the sound of a grizzly bear smacking around for salmon. Minimal paperwork as well.

Stood up to flush and was expecting a nice big piece of lumber to be sitting there proudly waiting for me. Was the most unusual shape I've seen, more like the result you get when preparing a chicken breast for butterfly chicken, quite flat and irregular edges. Was disappointed in the end

padd b1975 · 14-10-2020 5:26pm

Had a late lunch in one of the nationwide chain of fine dining establishments owned by a certain Patrick McDonagh.

Chicken breast in a bun, large chips with a lightly spiced Indian jus and a diet coke.

Dispensed my usual 4pm with minimal effort, unfortunately I've been "stepping on ducks" right left and centre for the past hour or so.

Some you win, some you lose I suppose.

padd b1975 · 14-10-2020 5:30pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Made an amateur mistake lads. Almost ashamed of myself.

Herself received a "consignment" of a product known as "bowel support" from a pharmacist friend. I believe the intention is it "firms up" the delivery of your stools.

Anyhow, me being me, I said i'd chance one, given the recent events. Let me tell ya, there wasn't much "firming up" done. I produced something this morning, i've never smelt nor seen the likes of it before. And pure, high pressure liquid. Noises were similar to a donkey high pressure pissing on a flat rock.

Lets just say, I have absolutely no recollection of eating burnt tyres.... and the colour - it was the exact same as the supplement. Sunshine yellow.

Sunchite

Sounds like diet pills Gerald, most likely from the further regions of the old USSR.

Any burning sensation in the lower gut yet?

Trouser Snake · 14-10-2020 7:18pm

Spent the last few days on site with one of the major pharma, jaysus they're a dour lot.
Full PPE on all the time prolly explains it, hinders free will when it comes to doing number 2s.
Ill never forger the fent in ISPC3 toilets second floor, something awful. Like horseradish gone off in the fridge, only peppery.
I might have caught something cos what I left in the ensuite bowl an hour ago here at home was almost chemical as well, turned off the light could swear there were fluorescent streaks on the bowl, albeit momentarily.
Kinda worried now, flushing the system with a cheap red wine though, the morning will tell a lot. *fingers crossed *

AdrianBalboa · 15-10-2020 9:48am

I have a very hairy arsehole for a woman (this is more common than you think!) and I noticed after absent-mindedly picking my hole on the toilet today dried flakes of ****e sprinkled over the paper in the bowl.

My husband and I have a very anilingual-friendly relationship (well, I receive only) and he's commented on the flakiness in the past himself, after chowing down on the chocolate donut.

My question is, with all of this in mind, what would be your thoughts on the idea of pranking my husband by presenting him a home-made cappuchino and telling him the chocolate topping are flakes from my arsehole? His birthday is coming up.

ILikeBoats · 15-10-2020 10:03am

Oh dear

AdrianBalboa · 15-10-2020 10:07am

ILikeBoats wrote: »

Oh dear

Bear in mind that no actual "**** sprinkling" would take place.

MonkstownHoop · 15-10-2020 10:27am

First time I've actually winced reading this thread

SEPT 23 1989 · 15-10-2020 10:34am

Mother of Jaysus:(

Pintman Paddy Losty · 15-10-2020 10:37am

It was good while it lasted.

I think it's time to lock it up.

Borderfox · 15-10-2020 10:38am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was in the ‘Kok couple of years ago, stayed in a flashy hotel ‘ State Tower ‘or something.

Doors to the room balcony were welded shut.

When I inquired why, was told too many ‘golfers’ especially from the UK were coming one-way tickets- taking out the life savings, spunking the lot on the young wans,ladyboys, golf, and dhrink.

Then when the dosh ran out, the one way ticket over the balcony.

I heard quite a few of those "suicides" had their hands and legs tied and a new will

EmmetSpiceland · 15-10-2020 10:43am

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

It was good while it lasted.

I think it's time to lock it up.

Don’t be absurd. This thread provides excellent “advice” and support to so many on this site.

Sure, we all have a good “laugh” every now and then but, above all, this thread is about enlightenment.

15-10-2020 11:04am

Another downside of this pandemic, cleaners going overboard in the work/gym facilities. Its getting to the stage where I can't take some well earned "company time" anymore and have to go home for lunch to avoid the ***** and take a dump in peace.
I had to goose step my way home from the gym this morning too, finished my workout and was going to drop one off before leaving but no, the traps were being cleaned there as well. Things were already going into motion in anticipation of the impending release, it was a brisk uncomfortable walk back home with one or two close calls :mad:

gerrybbadd · 15-10-2020 11:05am

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I have a very hairy arsehole for a woman (this is more common than you think!) and I noticed after absent-mindedly picking my hole on the toilet today dried flakes of ****e sprinkled over the paper in the bowl.

My husband and I have a very anilingual-friendly relationship (well, I receive only) and he's commented on the flakiness in the past himself, after chowing down on the chocolate donut.

My question is, with all of this in mind, what would be your thoughts on the idea of pranking my husband by presenting him a home-made cappuchino and telling him the chocolate topping are flakes from my arsehole? His birthday is coming up.

Ah jaysus, an arsehole like a crow looking out of a bush, and now you want to sprinkle on the mustangs onto the hubbie's coffee?

I've had a think and i reckon, ya know what - go for it. If he's down there lapping away like a spaniel on hot chips, he's already imbibing plenty of them already. He must like it.

Must save on dental floss...

Hotblack Desiato · 15-10-2020 11:13am

tgdaly wrote: »

Just sat down for a Sir John Harrington there.

You're going to have to explain that one.

Trouser Snake wrote: »

Spent the last few days on site with one of the major pharma, jaysus they're a dour lot.
Full PPE on all the time prolly explains it, hinders free will when it comes to doing number 2s.

Here you go

Survive to Fight

How to take a shyte while wearing full NBC gear.

"Toilet paper must be protected from contamination" well you really don't want to get mustard gas on your hoop...

AdrianBalboa · 15-10-2020 11:19am

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Ah jaysus, an arsehole like a crow looking out of a bush, and now you want to sprinkle on the mustangs onto the hubbie's coffee?

I've had a think and i reckon, ya know what - go for it. If he's down there lapping away like a spaniel on hot chips, he's already imbibing plenty of them already. He must like it.

Must save on dental floss...

There will be no actual sprinking of ****e.

EmmetSpiceland · 15-10-2020 11:20am

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

There will be no actual sprinking of ****e.

Wash yer arse, luv.

Hotblack Desiato · 15-10-2020 11:26am

If funds don't permit waxing, rolls of duct tape are going cheap in Lidl at the moment.

gerrybbadd · 15-10-2020 12:03pm

Beware the waxing though Adrian, or you might end up with a brown eye looking like Rocky after 15 rounds with Apollo Creed.

Some of our seasoned and valued contributors have also reported of loss of "muffling" effect when the hair has been removed, so that's something else to be mindful of. There's potential there to let off some right howlers that would have otherwise have been somewhat silent, given the back bush you've lovingly cultivated

Hector Savage · 15-10-2020 12:36pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

For sure B.

Left her with both sides like a carpet with ground in beef stroganoff.

Who the fuherke has a woolen pan seat these days.

Lad should have ‘top decked’ the kip and dipped every toothbrush in the cistern.

Incredible.

Christ I forgot about them ....
mankey ...

15796498840d687999fcaa22bff3f3580e0a819d6f_thumbnail_x460.webp

Hector Savage · 15-10-2020 1:48pm

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I have a very hairy arsehole for a woman (this is more common than you think!) and I noticed after absent-mindedly picking my hole on the toilet today dried flakes of ****e sprinkled over the paper in the bowl.

My husband and I have a very anilingual-friendly relationship (well, I receive only) and he's commented on the flakiness in the past himself, after chowing down on the chocolate donut.

My question is, with all of this in mind, what would be your thoughts on the idea of pranking my husband by presenting him a home-made cappuchino and telling him the chocolate topping are flakes from my arsehole? His birthday is coming up.

10152610_234720306719929_3948789999912478345_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=09cbfe&_nc_ohc=8JGRuQxUvcoAX_m9itt&_nc_ht=scontent-mad1-1.xx&oh=211c65087c4cc41c50fb68952089c0fd&oe=5FABEDB2

MonkstownHoop wrote: »

First time I've actually winced reading this thread

Yep!!!

me too!!

Hector Savage · 15-10-2020 1:54pm

https://youtu.be/dd_eAcnWP_8

Story starts at around 1min ....

@Sideways ??

tgdaly · 15-10-2020 2:10pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

You're going to have to explain that one.

Sir John Harington (also spelled Harrington, baptised 4 August 1560 – 20 November 1612), of Kelston, but baptised in London, was an English courtier, author and translator, popularly known as the inventor of the flush toilet.

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2020 4:48pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Christ I forgot about them ....
mankey ...

You could boil one of those and get hot piss soup.

IAMAMORON · 15-10-2020 4:53pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You could boil one of those and get hot piss soup.

I would imagine you are a two flick hero Bren, more than two for you is a good as a needle and crank.

Ya filthy bolleex.

I would say the missus has you using the pan out the back door. If she has any sense she has the en suite locked 24/7. Keep you in check.

JohnnyFlash · 15-10-2020 4:58pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I would imagine you are a two flick hero Bren, more than two for you is a good as a needle and crank.

Ya filthy bolleex.

I would say the missus has you using the pan out the back door. If she has any sense she has the en suite locked 24/7. Keep you in check.

Fücker dug a long drop out in the back garden and uses a paint bucket with a hole in it as a seat. Uses an old golf towel to clean himself up.

Disgusting individual.

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2020 5:10pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I would imagine you are a two flick hero Bren, more than two for you is a good as a needle and crank.

Ya filthy bolleex.

I would say the missus has you using the pan out the back door. If she has any sense she has the en suite locked 24/7. Keep you in check.

Are you up to your neck in cheap Eastern European lager, I?

I can see you now sitting on the sofa, legs spread, watching Bullseye on Gold.

Surrounded by cans, half of them filled with piss,and the grey trakkies soaked in cold piss and worked in Chicago Town pizzas.

Large sepia coloured stain of loose midden dominating the the back of the sofa, which is called the ‘wow factor’.

Sort yersel out, sahib.

What's the etiquette here??

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