The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

23-09-2018 10:25pm

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

Capt'n Midnight, you're on fire tonight

and it isn't midnight yet!

New Home · 23-09-2018 10:29pm

It is, somewhere.

Deja Boo · 24-09-2018 5:06am

An old fella wobbled into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
“Bad knees.”

jaykay74 · 24-09-2018 1:36pm

The dog is barking at the backdoor and the wife is yelling at the front door.

Who do you let in first?

The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 24-09-2018 5:58pm

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy asks, I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs the angel to cure his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he shouts don’t touch me! I’m on disability.

Before beginning the mass, our priest read out a note he’d been handed moments earlier.

It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning, he said.

He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and said, I hope they mean Bible Study.

byrner88 · 25-09-2018 12:17am

After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny.

"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."

Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob ****s him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.

"**** off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 25-09-2018 9:03am

With Halloween comming up i said i'd throw in a few Vampire jokes. Enjoy.

Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?

He was all bite and no bark.

Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

At the casketeria.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A stake sandwich.

Why didn't the vampire bite Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood.

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath.

How many vampires are in this room?

I dont know, I cant Count Draculas.

What does a vampire fear most?

Tooth decay.

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?

A guy with very high blood pressure

Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?

A blood vessel.

What is a Vampire favourite newspaper ?The Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.

Q: What is a vampires favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What happened when the two vampires finally met?

It was love at first bite.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

The Vampire State Building.

When do vampires bite family.

Only if they are blood brothers.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?

A blood-thirsty hacker.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snow man?

Frostbite.

Why do vampires scare people? Because they are bored to death.

What is a vampires favorite ice cream flavor?

Vainilla.

Q: What Do You call A Single Vampire?

A bat-chelor.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball.

Every night he turns into a bat.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

What songs does Dracula hate?

You Are My Sunshine and Sunshine on my Shoulders.

How does a girl vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes.

What is a vampires least favorite food?

Steak.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?

A grave problem.

Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?

He has a bat temper.

blueser · 25-09-2018 7:01pm

I saw a dwarf person of restricted growth using a rope to get over the prison wall yesterday.

I thought 'that's a little condescending.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 25-09-2018 7:19pm

For her 40th birthday, my wife said, I'd love to be ten again. So that Saturday, we had ate stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast.

Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

So when I asked how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?

She replied when I said I'd love to be ten again I meant my dress size.

Ted_YNWA · 25-09-2018 7:22pm

blueser wrote: »

I saw a dwarf person of restricted growth using a rope to get over the prison wall yesterday.

I thought 'that's a little condescending.

I hear he is a psychic, so now there is a small medium at large.

Capt'n Midnight · 25-09-2018 7:23pm

Deja Boo wrote: »

Two blondes, on their way to Disneyland.
They spot a road sign: "Disneyland LEFT"

They start crying and head back home.

Two Belgians heading for Calais

They turned around when they saw the sign for Pas-de-Calais.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 25-09-2018 7:24pm

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside?

Yes, says Sally, a lock of my husband’s hair.

But Larry’s still alive.

I know, but his hair is gone.

Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it.

It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list.

The day after been at a fair, my wife was in agony.

She said to me you know you’re past your prime, when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.

25-09-2018 8:05pm

So I went to the corner shop ... and bought 4 corners

25-09-2018 8:58pm

I was going to buy a round toit, but I didn't get around to it!

Capt'n Midnight · 25-09-2018 9:50pm

I'm going to France tomorrow for the annual "flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk" competition... ...it's held annually in the .... Dordogne

Capt'n Midnight · 25-09-2018 9:54pm

I ordered a new thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived all the pages were blank... I don't have the words to describe how angry I am

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 26-09-2018 9:00pm

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's family.

A smartass in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entire class did its best not to laugh.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:

You can write with your other hand can't you?

mad m · 26-09-2018 9:14pm

So there's this kid named Cal, and he's a bit of a thug.

He often breaks into people's homes just for fun.

One thing he loves to do in people's homes is to absolutely destroy their washing machines. He will destroy them untill they are broken so far they are completely beyond use. Until they are totally dead.

Recently Cal passed away in his sleep, which is sad news, but now....

Washing machines live longer with cal gone!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 27-09-2018 1:09pm

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his smelly feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.

She moves closer, stares into his eyes, and says, darling, so do I.

He then says, Don’t tell me you’ve eaten my smelly socks.

There was a man drowning in the sea and he passed a boat and asked the man in the boat asked can an I help you?

The man replies no thanks, God will save me.

Then another boat passes and they asked him do you need help?

Again he replies no thanks, God will save me.

The man dies, goes to heaven and says to God: God, why did not you save me?

God says to him i sent you two boats.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 27-09-2018 2:02pm

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, I got my first impression of the Parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set And, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs.I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2018 7:43pm

If a tree falls in the forest and it doesn’t make a sound, does a hipster buy the soundtrack?

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2018 7:46pm

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn't much. But the reception was incredible!

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2018 7:47pm

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

TheBody · 27-09-2018 7:55pm

I’ve got a new job. It’s shift work making chess sets. I’m on knights next week.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-09-2018 12:27am

Scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists are less likely to become emotionally attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even rats won't do.

tobsey · 28-09-2018 12:30am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists are less likely to become emotionally attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even rats won't do.

1991! https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0102057/

Capt'n Midnight · 28-09-2018 12:35am

How does an lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-09-2018 12:46am

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense
lawyer.

everlast75 · 28-09-2018 5:47am

If a lawyer falls into shark infested waters, why won't the sharks eat him?

Professional courtesy

Philipx · 28-09-2018 6:20am

It was that cold today I actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets....

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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