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Wedding Planner Trouble
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When did you get the text? I can see the sense in not replying but that also plays into her "I offered help" story.
Don't text out of anger anyway. That was the right call. I would though, calmly thank her for the offer but you are respecting her choice to not be part of the wedding and you don't need any help.
Got the text on Friday afternoon and haven't replied. I feel like if I say "No need to be involved, no need to be there on the day" she'll say that's my decision and that will all be put back on me. Whereas if I say you have a decision to make then she'll be the one making the decision and it might be a way for her to take any responsibility0 -
caimitator wrote: »And then tell her not to come because her birthday is obviously more important or tell her that I still expect her there on the day?
I'd say nothing about that at this point. If you text her something like what I suggested above, it puts the ball in her court to either reject the statement and say she does want to be a part of the day afterall or she says nothing and confirms it to be the case.0 -
caimitator wrote: »Got the text on Friday afternoon and haven't replied. I feel like if I say "No need to be involved, no need to be there on the day" she'll say that's my decision and that will all be put back on me. Whereas if I say you have a decision to make then she'll be the one making the decision and it might be a way for her to take any responsibility
Yes, this is what you should do. Frame your response so she needs to make a choice. Thread carefully though.
That said, really what needs to happen is a open conversation and your family need to be given a reality check. Right now though, you need to keep things civil because.... well you know why. Ignoring her message is something she'll use against you. So deal with that now and make a plan for the big picture stuff. Talk to you partner, I recall you saying he was a rock for you with all this.0 -
Your youngster sister sounds like a bit of a drama queen, i kind of feel sorry for the older one, she is probably glad to be out of it all for a few months. You also seem to be swept up in the drama and your expectations of what they should and should not be doing as your sisters.
Why does it matter that your sister is coming back from holidays a few days before the wedding? It's your wedding not hers, her job is to show up on the day and smile.
just get on with it and stop fuelling drama, you both agreed to just drop the discussions so do that. Stop trying to poke the bear for gods sake.
She's invited, if she decides to not come ,leave her to it just stop getting upset because she is not acting the way you want her to. Unbridesmaiding her uninviting her. Just ignore it ,like a two year old having a tantrum. I really feel for your poor parents stuck in the middle of ww3.
if you reply why don't you just say of course I want you to be at my wedding , I'd love you to be as involved as you feel you can be but I respect your decision not be involved in the decisions, I hope that at the end of it all we will have lovely memories of a happy time.
The end.0 -
caimitator wrote:"I thought the agreement was I felt like we disagreed on the date and that was what it was but that if you wanted to ask me something or get my opinion on something that I was happy to give it. That said, I wasn’t spending my time googling or coming up with ideas for you or anything but that if you sent me two pics and said which did I prefer or anything of that kinda sort that I’d happily reply and give my opinion"
How amazingly generous of her. Is she not one bit happy for you? You have really been incredibly patient to date, I can't believe her childishness OP.0 -
Teyla Emmagan wrote: »How amazingly generous of her. Is she not one bit happy for you? You have really been incredibly patient to date, I can't believe her childishness OP.
The day I got engaged, she was the second person I rang. She arrived at the celebratory dinner that night with loads of "Congratulations" presents. She bought a bridesmaid planner and was excited...until the date happened.
Then every ounce of happiness she had (or was feigning) disappeared. I'm still like, is this actually happening. How little she must think of me to think she can behave like this. And while I was so angry and hurt at the start, I'm now incredibly angry and firmly thinking that her actions need to have consequences.0 -
You know, spoiled children often get to adulthood without ever really seeing what their poor behaviour can do permanently to a relationship. This sounds like your sister has gotten away with murder and been indulged on every whim right up until now and does not realise that this isn't about a birthday. It's not about a wedding. It's about feet-stomping because she's not centre stage for a change and she does not realise that this will have a permanent mark on your relationship with her.
Why would she? She's never had to face the consequences or repercussions of her actions before.
But that's not your problem. It's hers, and you actually can't help her with that.
Right now, the issue is the save the date cards. Don't send her one. She knows the date! She decreed that you mustn't mention it to her so that's what you do. Send them out to your guests. This wedding IS going ahead.
My brother got married on the day between two family birthdays. Oh and right between mocks and exams for another sibling. In another country. Another sibling got married days before another's exams. I managed to get pregnant and my due date was days off another siblings wedding. All of those were laughed off. A birthday? pfft. How ridiculous.
Say nothing to either of them. Reserve a seat for them at the reception, and leave it at that. If they don't turn up, so be it. If they do (and likely they will, just slot them in as guests without the drama they crave. Don't give them the power to ruin your wedding day.0 -
Say nothing to either of them. Reserve a seat for them at the reception, and leave it at that. If they don't turn up, so be it. If they do (and likely they will, just slot them in as guests without the drama they crave. Don't give them the power to ruin your wedding day.
I think the problem is between now and the wedding. I’ve tried acting normal but I’m just becoming so resentful and angry at them. So yeah I don’t have to send a save the date or an invite but I genuinely don’t even want to talk to either of them at all and I’m finding it difficult to compartmentalise the wedding when we spend a couple of hours together and I’m not allowed bring it up. I just find myself not wanting to talk at all.0 -
You poor thing. I can completely understand your anger.
I wouldn't gratify your sisters to ask them anything about the wedding or run anything past them. I have been following this from the start. The only way I can see you getting past this is if they apologise.
I would find it hard to talk to them too. Maybe minimal time with the sister that is home for now when you are angry for your parents sake
Good Luck on keeping calm0 -
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caimitator wrote: »Sorry to resurrect an old thread, just wanted to give an update.
I sat down with my younger sister and agreed to not ask her about the wedding or bring it up around her (before I get bombarded with criticism for this, I did it to keep the peace in my family). It's almost two months later and we have not spoken about it and gone on with our lives, talking about surface things and never addressing the issue.
Op, I feel for you - you come across as a caring woman & your fiance is lucky to have you in his life.
But if you 'agreed' to this scenario then how can you get cross now over the non-involvement of your sister?
Just treat them as 2 women you happen to know. From what you say about their 'dates' & tagging one another on Facebook, it sounds like they have v little consideration for you, so follow their lead & step back. You have done everything you can to make them feel essential to your big day, and that hasn't worked. Nothing will change between now & August, so you just suit yourself!
By the way, whoever said up thread that your sisters' friends are laughing at them is correct.0 -
All I think you can do is keep your head down and not feed into her drama. It's not her day, it's yours, don't let her detract from it. And carry on completely as normal if you're at home with your parents. Talk away about it, it's your wedding.
It's also not until August so she has a long time to cop onto herself. I would however be looking around for a new bridesmaid (or bridesmaids). You need someone who will be excited for you and will help out unreservedly. No one at the wedding need to ever know you were originally thinking of asking your sisters.0 -
mrsdewinter wrote: »Op, I feel for you - you come across as a caring woman & your fiance is lucky to have you in his life.
But if you 'agreed' to this scenario then how can you get cross now over the non-involvement of your sister?
Just treat them as 2 women you happen to know. From what you say about their 'dates' & tagging one another on Facebook, it sounds like they have v little consideration for you, so follow their lead & step back. You have done everything you can to make them feel essential to your big day, and that hasn't worked. Nothing will change between now & August, so you just suit yourself!
By the way, whoever said up thread that your sisters' friends are laughing at them is correct.
Thank you.
When I made that agreement, I was just trying to end the bad tension around the place before my sister went away for 6 months, I would have said anything! But you’re right, I probably can’t backtrack at this point. Although we never even brought up whether she was gonna attend when we made that agreement, I just wasn’t gonna talk about the wedding around her.
I’m gonna take your advice and treat them as 2 women I happen to know, lord knows they’ve done that to me for long enough. Gonna be a strange Christmas0 -
Teyla Emmagan wrote: »All I think you can do is keep your head down and not feed into her drama. It's not her day, it's yours, don't let her detract from it. And carry on completely as normal if you're at home with your parents. Talk away about it, it's your wedding.
It's also not until August so she has a long time to cop onto herself. I would however be looking around for a new bridesmaid (or bridesmaids). You need someone who will be excited for you and will help out unreservedly. No one at the wedding need to ever know you were originally thinking of asking your sisters.
This is what I want to do. But I’m finding it hard to talk to them in general with this anger. I’ve taken a step back in recent weeks and I’ve realised how it’s always me starting the communication.
I had a pretty rotten week last week, 2 funerals and then I broke my finger. My younger sister didn’t even txt to see how I was. I know it’s trivial, but I never noticed that before. All these things are just making me angrier and making me want to ignore her completely. I know I sound like a drama queen but I’m annoyed.0 -
So stop communication altogether and if they contact you first, then politely respond. They can't berate you for lack of contact if they don't initiate it either. As for getting angry, try some mindfulness to distract yourself from even thinking about them. There are good apps you can download to get you started. Great idea to now think of them as just 2 ordinary guests and not family, as you wouldn't involve an ordinary guest in any of the planning.0
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caimitator wrote: »I think the problem is between now and the wedding. I’ve tried acting normal but I’m just becoming so resentful and angry at them. So yeah I don’t have to send a save the date or an invite but I genuinely don’t even want to talk to either of them at all and I’m finding it difficult to compartmentalise the wedding when we spend a couple of hours together and I’m not allowed bring it up. I just find myself not wanting to talk at all.
I'm glad you are finding your anger here, tbh it's long overdue.
You are getting married. You sound far from a bridezilla but your sisters are behaving appallingly. And your parents are just as bad if they are indulging their tantrums and have pleaded with you to treat your wedding like a dirty family secret That Must Not Be Mentioned.
Fcuk that.
If you tow the line here, this WILL rankle with you for years to come. When you look back at your day and have parents there in the photos trying to be fake-happy for you and two scowling sisters.
I would honestly go and elope with just my OH's family there if my family were treating me the way your's are treating you. And I'm close to them and visit often so it's not something I'd do lightly, but if I had siblings doing this and being indulgently cosseted by my parents, I'd feel like I'd rather a wedding with guest who are happy to spend the day with me and OH.0 -
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I'm glad you are finding your anger here, tbh it's long overdue.
You are getting married. You sound far from a bridezilla but your sisters are behaving appallingly. And your parents are just as bad if they are indulging their tantrums and have pleaded with you to treat your wedding like a dirty family secret That Must Not Be Mentioned.
Fcuk that.
If you tow the line here, this WILL rankle with you for years to come. When you look back at your day and have parents there in the photos trying to be fake-happy for you and two scowling sisters.
I would honestly go and elope with just my OH's family there if my family were treating me the way your's are treating you. And I'm close to them and visit often so it's not something I'd do lightly, but if I had siblings doing this and being indulgently cosseted by my parents, I'd feel like I'd rather a wedding with guest who are happy to spend the day with me and OH.
As @bleary suggested above, is doing something like that just fuelling the drama and poking the bear? The poster suggested that I shouldn’t be expecting them to act a certain way or be involved at all just because they’re my sisters. And that any ignoring/unfriending/uninviting I do is just childishness on my part.0 -
caimitator wrote: »As @bleary suggested above, is doing something like that just fuelling the drama and poking the bear? The poster suggested that I shouldn’t be expecting them to act a certain way or be involved at all just because they’re my sisters. And that any ignoring/unfriending/uninviting I do is just childishness on my part.
To be honest i would expect your sisters to WANT to get involved. Even if they weren't in the bridal party. You're their sister! They should be excited and happy for you! Sadly they aren't reacting too well so for, but I don't think your expectations are in any way unreasonable. I wouldn't uninvite them though in any circumstances. If they choose not to turn up then they look pathetic, but if you don't actually ask them then you look petty and mean. As other people have said, they know when the wedding is, they don't need a save the date. And hopefully they will start acting more maturely between now and then.
And sorry to criticize your parents but I think they should give them both a kick up the a&& at this stage and tell them to stop putting themselves first.0 -
caimitator wrote: »As @bleary suggested above, is doing something like that just fuelling the drama and poking the bear? The poster suggested that I shouldn’t be expecting them to act a certain way or be involved at all just because they’re my sisters. And that any ignoring/unfriending/uninviting I do is just childishness on my part.
Well no, it depends on how it's done and the motive behind it. I think me and bleary are saying the same things but in a different way. You aren't doing it to be retaliatory to your sisters, you are doing it so that they get exactly what they want - which is to have no involvement in your day. This is what they want, isn't it? They don't want to attend your wedding on their birthday, they don't want to talk about the wedding or be bridesmaids or any of that. So give them what they want. Don't mention it. At all. Right up to the day itself.
If I was planning a wedding where the mere mention of it in the family was forbidden, I'd just go and do my own thing with it and not involve them. It's not being childish or retaliatory, just me recognising that they don't want to be part of that occasion and me accepting it. It's like ignoring a child's tantrum and not giving them what they want. You are the adult in the situation so you behave like an adult and ignore the tantrums.
By continuing with plans that would force them to turn up suited and booted for appearances sake and do the roles of bridesmaid under duress I would feel that it would only deepen the feud and make everyone on edge and miserable for the day.
Having said that, every family is different so what might work in my family dynamic may not work in yours.
You want your sisters to back down and to start getting excited about your wedding and enthuse about being your bridesmaids and planning your hen. You are still holding out hope that they will come around. What are you going to do and how are you going to feel when they don't? And they will do it closer to or on your wedding day itself for maximum distress to you.
Why on earth are you handing assholes like them that power over your life? What we are saying to you is you need to not have your happiness dependent on whether or not they play ball on the day. Either downgrade them so they have no input or role in your day and that you are simply putting out chairs in case they turn up, or just go and have a wedding with people who will be happy to be sharing your day.0 -
OP are they still bridesmaids and are you still allowing their friends to be invited to the day after?
I think you might need to consider that your sister's friends might turn up (in the event that you don't want a joint celebration) or that your sister might throw her own party on that day to clash with yours.0 -
OP are they still bridesmaids and are you still allowing their friends to be invited to the day after?
I think you might need to consider that your sister's friends might turn up (in the event that you don't want a joint celebration) or that your sister might throw her own party on that day to clash with yours.
This is the thing. I haven’t spoken to them about the wedding since this agreement so haven’t spoken to them about bridesmaids or friends or anything like that.0 -
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caimitator wrote: »This is the thing. I haven’t spoken to them about the wedding since this agreement so haven’t spoken to them about bridesmaids or friends or anything like that.
Ah here, time to organise another couple of bridesmaids for yourself and I wouldn't even bother telling them. Let them hear it from someone else. If they don't want to discuss the wedding then there is no way they can actually be bridesmaids. How are they to attend dress shopping if they don't want to know anything about it?? I swear I'd ignore the bitches forever more if it were me.0 -
Ah here, time to organise another couple of bridesmaids for yourself and I wouldn't even bother telling them. Let them hear it from someone else. If they don't want to discuss the wedding then there is no way they can actually be bridesmaids. How are they to attend dress shopping if they don't want to know anything about it?? I swear I'd ignore the bitches forever more if it were me.
I think I would ignore them forever if it wasn’t for my parents. They’re hurt too.
Although, for the last few weeks I’ve completely stepped back. I’m thinking of spending xmas with OH’s family. So that we can actually talk about the upcoming year and the exciting build up. That would be a pretty big deal if I didn’t spend xmas with them.0 -
I would find new bridesmaids. Bridesmaids are meant to be supportive and from the sounds of it, your sisters have no interest and are miffed. I doubt they'd be willing to organise a hen night for you or to go dress shopping. Find some good people who care about yourself and the wedding.caimitator wrote: »This is the thing. I haven’t spoken to them about the wedding since this agreement so haven’t spoken to them about bridesmaids or friends or anything like that.
Your younger sister has already offered to step down, so take her at her word. You shouldn't feel this anxious around family and afraid to mention your wedding. If either sister says anything about it, just say that you didn't want to put them in a difficult position (:rolleyes:) and that you weren't involving them any further.
Just leave your sisters out of all the planning. Don't organise a joint party for the day after, just continue on with your original plans.
From what you've already said about your family, this seems really drastic although I can completely understand why. Is your fiance's family nearby, could you visit both families? Alternatively you could spend it with just yourselves together at home.caimitator wrote: »I think I would ignore them forever if it wasn’t for my parents. They’re hurt too.
Although, for the last few weeks I’ve completely stepped back. I’m thinking of spending xmas with OH’s family. So that we can actually talk about the upcoming year and the exciting build up. That would be a pretty big deal if I didn’t spend xmas with them.
This just reiterates why your sisters shouldn't be part of the bridal party, you're afraid to go home for Christmas because you have their drama llamas hanging over you.0 -
caimitator wrote: »I think I would ignore them forever if it wasn’t for my parents. They’re hurt too.
As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, your sisters know this too. They know (from years of experience) that whatever they do YOU will do what is needed to keep peace in the family. This is one big thing they have hold over you on. You're parents seem to be the same, hoping to sweep any unpleasant business under the carpet to keep up appearances. Only you can break this pattern by growing beyond your dependency on your family. It's time that they (all of them) put the effort in to be part of YOUR life instead of the other way around. If you keep crumbling at the first sight of a "peace deal" or compromise then you'll continue in this toxic family situation. Plenty of people have given various forms of advice here. Only you know which way is the right way to go (given that you know the full story/history) so make a plan and follow through. Do not do/say anything out of anger as your sisters will feed off this (like any bully would). Remain calm and deliberate in your choices and actions. Your sisters are one (big) part of it but you need to sit down with your parents too and make it clear that you need their support here (no half measures) and that if they can't see what is so wrong about how your sisters are behaving, that is not good enough and they need to wake up.0 -
I still think your parents need to step in and tell them both to cop the eff on.
They know what the two of them are doing is wrong and they are allowing you to be subjected to being hurt and to the extra stress you really don’t need.
You shouldn’t be bearing the brunt of all this, seeing as though you’re the one trying to keep the peace for everyone else but you.0 -
Well I told my parents last night to cop on and I think they got the message. They told me they’re gonna sit her down, tell her she’s ruined my day and she’s breaking up the family. They think she’ll have a strop and won’t talk to them for a while which they’re prepared to accept.
It turns out they were actually arguing over how to approach it. My mam wanted to tell her in no uncertain terms that this was the worst thing that she could do, while my dad wanted a resolution that would not break up the family long term.0 -
caimitator wrote: »Well I told my parents last night to cop on and I think they got the message. They told me they’re gonna sit her down, tell her she’s ruined my day and she’s breaking up the family. They think she’ll have a strop and won’t talk to them for a while which they’re prepared to accept.
It turns out they were actually arguing over how to approach it. My mam wanted to tell her in no uncertain terms that this was the worst thing that she could do, while my dad wanted a resolution that would not break up the family long term.
You and I are no different, in the first to get married but unlike you, my Mam had been a bit difficult when I’ve been planning. She’s even at one point said she wasn’t coming to my wedding because I wanted a different flower arrangement to what she thinks I should get (even though me and my fiancé are paying for the wedding).
To make peace, I took up her suggestion... and since then, she’s been still giving ‘suggestions’ and when I say it’s not my style I’ve been called a bridezilla. I kept trying to make peace.
But somewhere along the line I realised that it’s wildly unfair how I was being treated.
I couldn’t mention the word wedding without being confronted with a a frosty atmosphere.
So I stopped involving everyone else and made my own decisions and told people what was happening. I stopped asking. As for my Mam, I said to my dad that he needed to stand up for me and take my side (which he did silently) and I told her myself that if she doesn’t want to come, it’s ok. She would be missed but the show would go on.
She changed her tune0 -
It's ****ing ridiculous how people behave with weddings.
Op, I completely understand why you want a definite answer about everything so that you can draw a line in the sand. And in theory the earlier you make a decision (I sense you want to leave her out of the bridal party, and possibly the wedding as well) that it would give everyone time to get over it. However, in reality, in my experience, the earlier you deal with it the more time people have to give you ****e and try work on you to change your mind. So if I was you, I'd wait till may be 5/6 months out from the wedding before being decisive (kind of around the time your finalising numbers). It gives them less time to give you ****e and once the wedding comes around everyone should be more helpful and not want to upset you right before the wedding.
Also, this side of Christmas (and I'm the last person to keep the peace for peace sake), but while it sounds like your parents are starting to come around to your side, I don't think you want to be alienating them by making such a bold decision, when it's not necessarily necessary at this point and get accused of 'ruining' Christmas for them. That could backfire on you badly. It's a different situation if they decide to tackle your sister on their own time over her behaviour.
I had it myself, all the family politics and ****e that comes with it, right up to 2 weeks before the wedding. And like you there was a period during our 7 month engagement (probably about 70% of the time) that I couldn't talk about the wedding to my family without something negative coming from it (even over the most ridiculous stuff). But I don't for one second regret my decision that caused all the ****e (not inviting an aunt to any of the wedding) or giving in to all the pressure to keep the peace. I know extended relations don't agree with my decision, but none of them walked in my boots when I was a teenager and putting up with all her ****e, or in the last 18 months with the games she's being playing since I had my daughter.
You do what's right for you and your future husband. That's all that matters at the end of the day, that you both turn up on the day.0 -
I also think you need to draw the boundary line yourself. You need to give your parents a bit of a kick up the backside to try help you.
What you do is go to the in-laws for Christmas and say why the reason you’re going. That you want to be able to talk about your own wedding and feel comfortable doing so.
It will show that you mean what you’re saying and that you’re no longer being a pushover. X0 -
caimitator wrote: »Well I told my parents last night to cop on and I think they got the message. They told me they’re gonna sit her down, tell her she’s ruined my day and she’s breaking up the family. They think she’ll have a strop and won’t talk to them for a while which they’re prepared to accept.
It turns out they were actually arguing over how to approach it. My mam wanted to tell her in no uncertain terms that this was the worst thing that she could do, while my dad wanted a resolution that would not break up the family long term.
Honestly, I think your parents should be ashamed of themselves. It's not for nothing that your sister is like this, she was reared to be like this. Even apart from that, they should have nipped this sh't in the bud a long time ago. Instead they have you worried sick about "breaking up the family" while that absolute cow runs rings around the lot of you.
Sorry but I have two sisters and I know well how the dynamics of how we were reared have affected our personalities and behaviour, but in a good way. Your own worst enemy wouldn't treat you this badly and the buck stops with them.0 -
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I seem to be majorly at odds with everyone else, but I think you are very much contributing to the drama:
Your sister has explicitly told you that she doesn’t want to be involved in the minutiae of wedding planning, but you keep on returning to that. She doesn’t want it, and she’s been very, very clear about not wanting it. From day 1. You can’t have it every way, your dream ultra involved bridesmaid and your sister. Either get a different bridesmaid, who wants to be involved in the minutiae, or accept your sister for what she is: someone who doesn’t care about the details of your wedding. Not everyone is as interested in your wedding as you
I think you going to your other half’s parents for xmas is as drama-laden as your sisters: making a giant dramatic statement. It’s a drama laden challenge. And wanting to go so that you can “discuss the exciting year ahead” - no one finds it as exciting as you & you’re OP. Possibly no one as much as you do.
ETA: That isn’t meant to be mean, I just genuinely think you don’t get that hardly anyone cares about your wedding as much as you do. And that hardly anyone wants to be involved in the minute details. Your sister’s don’t, and have told you this repeatedly, but yet you keep coming back for more with them - and creating more drama. Theres a crowd of you in the drama tbh. You going to his folks is a dramatic snub to your parents & siblings, and putting it up to your sisters, and you aren’t behaving any better than them.
You are getting married. Being married to the love of your life. Why are you making it a competition of drama with your siblings? I feel sorry for your parents tbh. Surely a wedding should be a time of joy, focused on the future. Not a stand-off of ‘why don’t people want to be supremely involved in my wedding’0 -
I think you said you’re having 4 bridesmaids..? I would bring my other two bridesmaids dress shopping etc and just hand my sisters the dresses and tell them this is what you’ll be wearing.
I would chatter away about the wedding whenever I wanted and act excited and happy about the whole thing - fake it til you make it.
You cannot change your sisters but you can change your reactions to their behavior. Ignore them and how they are feeling about everything - it’s of no consequence to you. If they’re not happy from here on in - that’s tough. They can be the ones to pull out of being your bridesmaids and the blame will fall squarely on their shoulders.
Move your other two friends Centre stage in the bridesmaid department - ask them and your Mam to help you choose your dress and theirs and ask them to help you organise your hen. Don’t involve your sisters - if they don’t want to be consulted, then don’t. Tell them what’s happening on a need to know basis. Let your other bridesmaids text them the details about the hen etc.
This is the way it is. You know how they are and how they are going to be so just find a way to make yourself happy despite it and ignore their behavior. What will be will be. You cannot control them or their behavior so let it go and rise above them. They are the ones being difficult, not you and everyone will see that x0 -
I seem to be majorly at odds with everyone else, but I think you are very much contributing to the drama:
Your sister has explicitly told you that she doesn’t want to be involved in the minutiae of wedding planning, but you keep on returning to that. She doesn’t want it, and she’s been very, very clear about not wanting it. From day 1. You can’t have it every way, your dream ultra involved bridesmaid and your sister. Either get a different bridesmaid, who wants to be involved in the minutiae, or accept your sister for what she is: someone who doesn’t care about the details of your wedding. Not everyone is as interested in your wedding as you
I think you going to your other half’s parents for xmas is as drama-laden as your sisters: making a giant dramatic statement. It’s a drama laden challenge. And wanting to go so that you can “discuss the exciting year ahead” - no one finds it as exciting as you & you’re OP. Possibly no one as much as you do.
ETA: That isn’t meant to be mean, I just genuinely think you don’t get that hardly anyone cares about your wedding as much as you do. And that hardly anyone wants to be involved in the minute details. Your sister’s don’t, and have told you this repeatedly, but yet you keep coming back for more with them - and creating more drama. Theres a crowd of you in the drama tbh. You going to his folks is a dramatic snub to your parents & siblings, and putting it up to your sisters, and you aren’t behaving any better than them.
You are getting married. Being married to the love of your life. Why are you making it a competition of drama with your siblings? I feel sorry for your parents tbh. Surely a wedding should be a time of joy, focused on the future. Not a stand-off of ‘why don’t people want to be supremely involved in my wedding’
I get the strong impression that you haven't actually read the entire thread.
Key giveaways...
"You can’t have it every way, your dream ultra involved bridesmaid and your sister." I think the OP would take having just a sister that was civil at this point.
"I think you going to your other half’s parents for xmas is as drama-laden as your sisters". No, she's trying to avoid the drama because her sisters have made the situation so uncomfortable and stressful for her.
"Why are you making it a competition of drama with your siblings?". Again, no. The sisters are the ones who started all the nonsense about it clashing with their 27th and 33rd birthday parties (clearly milestones in their lives).
"Not a stand-off of 'why don’t people want to be supremely involved in my wedding'". The OP has never spoken like this is what she wants. She's even caved to her sisters demands on not even MENTIONING the wedding in her presence. That's the complete other end of the spectrum to what you are describing.0 -
I honestly think everyone here is acting ridiculous. I just feel sorry for the groom, this is all about the bride and her family, why can't it be about the happy couple?
I would seriously consider eloping OP if I were you, start your marriage out the right way.0 -
I know there's many details to address but I just want to give you my experience.
OH had his brother as Best Man, the whole way through he acted like a spoilt little sh**. Craving all the attention as 'brother of the groom' and BM.
He resigned as BM as OH didn't want the type of stag he wanted to organise (ie a piss up with lads being lads-which is not how OH is at all) He even squared up to hubby on a night out over it and caused a massive row in the family because hubby was being so inconsiderate??
Coming up to the stag, he literally organised nothing, no food, no allocation of rooms, nothing! He didn't even text the friends until about 2 weeks before, despite it being arranged months in advance. At the stag, he was almost in a fist fight and almost got them all thrown out of the hotel.
He argued with all my bridesmaids, called them names etc before the wedding and even had a row with my brother.
I WISH I'd had the fight with him beforehand because all we heard after the wedding was how everyone was horrible to him and that obviously I had told everyone to do so. Huge family fight for months and months and even OH's mother didn't talk to us.
In short-eat the face off the little bitch and tell her to do what she pleases but your wedding is yours and don't bow down to her BS, do it now and put her firmly in her place before she actually ruins the wedding day.0 -
Good god the actual trauma those sisters of yours are causing.
I come from a family of all boys and i feel even more grateful for them now after reading this thread.
It must really hurt how they've treated you even before this wedding but I honestly don't know how you've kept your tongue this whole time. I would have ripped the head off the younger one. What an absolute drama queen and agree with another poster, she was clearly rared as a spoilt little brat.
This will be hard for you to do but you have to take back full control. I would not even entertain them as bridesmaids now. No way. If my brothers ever behaved to me in a similar manner I would cut them out without a second thought. Yes the thought of a family rift is frightening but its not you who caused it. It's the self entitled behaviour of your sisters. And anyone with half a brain would see that. Let's face it no matter what you do youre going to be the bad guy to them. So easier to snip snip and cut them and their crap out of your wedding altogether!0 -
I seem to be majorly at odds with everyone else, but I think you are very much contributing to the drama:
Your sister has explicitly told you that she doesn’t want to be involved in the minutiae of wedding planning, but you keep on returning to that. She doesn’t want it, and she’s been very, very clear about not wanting it. From day 1. You can’t have it every way, your dream ultra involved bridesmaid and your sister. Either get a different bridesmaid, who wants to be involved in the minutiae, or accept your sister for what she is: someone who doesn’t care about the details of your wedding. Not everyone is as interested in your wedding as you
I think you going to your other half’s parents for xmas is as drama-laden as your sisters: making a giant dramatic statement. It’s a drama laden challenge. And wanting to go so that you can “discuss the exciting year ahead” - no one finds it as exciting as you & you’re OP. Possibly no one as much as you do.
ETA: That isn’t meant to be mean, I just genuinely think you don’t get that hardly anyone cares about your wedding as much as you do. And that hardly anyone wants to be involved in the minute details. Your sister’s don’t, and have told you this repeatedly, but yet you keep coming back for more with them - and creating more drama. Theres a crowd of you in the drama tbh. You going to his folks is a dramatic snub to your parents & siblings, and putting it up to your sisters, and you aren’t behaving any better than them.
You are getting married. Being married to the love of your life. Why are you making it a competition of drama with your siblings? I feel sorry for your parents tbh. Surely a wedding should be a time of joy, focused on the future. Not a stand-off of ‘why don’t people want to be supremely involved in my wedding’
I think you're majorly at odds with everyone else because your facts are erroneous; therefore, applying your opinion to incorrect facts has led you to this side of the fence.
First, I think you've missed something. From Day 1, my sister WAS willing to be very much involved with the wedding UNTIL the date became an issue. She had been involved with most things from Pinterest Boards to Bridesmaid planners to the engagement party. It was only when it was mentioned to her that the only date the venue had available was the day after her birthday. It was then she removed herself from ANYTHING wedding-related.
I do not expect anyone to be as interested in my wedding as I am. Heck, at this stage I'm sick of the thing.
Second, I don't thing spending Christmas with OH's family is a dramatic statement but I'll take it on board.
Third, there is no competition. I wanted my sisters there. I wanted them as bridesmaids. I want to be able to say to them "God this wedding stuff is a pain."
Finally, as you seem to think this is an issue, I do not want anyone to be supremely involved in my wedding. But I want to be able to say the word around them.
Fin.0 -
I got married this year and laat Christmas was strictly no wedding talk because we wanted a break from it and wanted to enjoy the Christmas for what it is - could you not go a day without talking about your wedding? Visit your parents over the rest of the holidays and then talk to your hearts content about it?
I don't understand why Christmas and your wedding have to be linked? Your not getting married until August?0 -
GingerLily wrote: »I got married this year and laat Christmas was strictly no wedding talk because we wanted a break from it and wanted to enjoy the Christmas for what it is - could you not go a day without talking about your wedding? Visit your parents over the rest of the holidays and then talk to your hearts content about it?
I don't understand why Christmas and your wedding have to be linked? Your not getting married until August?
People are attaching a lot of weight to this Christmas issue. I suggested spending Christmas with OH’s family because of the tension that’s in the house at the moment and the fact that I’m so angry with my sisters, not because I want to talk about my wedding.
And while you may have taken a strictly no wedding talk approach to Christmas please bear in mind that my entire planning has been strictly no wedding talk in front of my sister AT ALL. So it’s not like anyone has had to listen to it and needs a break, it hasn’t happened at all.0 -
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Right, let’s talk your wedding!
How you getting on with band, flowers, cars, etc?
Any ideas what sort of dress you want?0 -
Well, my older sister just unfriended me on Facebook. So, I guess this is what it is now.0
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Ah OP
Look at the longer term bright side. You are getting married to an amazing man. You may have children in the future. If you do, you’ll raise them to not treat their siblings this way.
Go to your in laws for Christmas, have fun and unwind0 -
caimitator wrote: »Well, my older sister just unfriended me on Facebook. So, I guess this is what it is now.
Let that be it now. No more fretting about her. At this stage I assume you have decided on replacement bridesmaids so focus on them and if you don't have anyone else close enough to ask then cut back. You only really need one bridesmaid and one best man. I don't think things will ever be right with your sisters again and by the sounds of them you're better off without them in your life. When you accept that and are free of them and their dramas, you'll wonder why you didn't cut them off years ago! Concentrate on your OH and the family you will be together.0 -
caimitator wrote:Well, my older sister just unfriended me on Facebook. So, I guess this is what it is now.
Wow. How mean and immature of her. It's no wonder people don't like getting married in Ireland0 -
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caimitator wrote: »Well, my older sister just unfriended me on Facebook. So, I guess this is what it is now.
Sounds like there's been some discussion between her and the younger one in the background. If eloping isn't an option, at this stage I'd just be telling them that neither of them is welcome at the wedding. Tell your parents also and if the two sisters come back to them whining about it, they can let them know it's their own fault. I'd bring your OH with you for backup on this. Then forget about them as far as possible and try to enjoy the run up to the wedding.0 -
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Op, you dont technically need any bridesmaids or groomsmen. All you need are two witnesses.
But I feel for you op, imo your sisters are putting everyone in a tough situation. I think you should just stay away from the situation, don't get involved with anything your sisters throw at you, or if they try drag you into a situation through your parents etc. At the end of the day your the only one going to suffer.
As for posters saying the OP is making too big a thing if not being able to talk about the wedding over the Christmas, I don't think it's a case of the op wanting to not shut up about the wedding, I think it's just that she doesn't want want It to be a 'banned' topic, and why should it be? I know from personal experience, there's nothing worse than your wedding being the elephant in the room that no-one wants to mention. And for the op it's a horrible position to be in.0 -
caimitator wrote: »Well, my older sister just unfriended me on Facebook. So, I guess this is what it is now.
That is very very sad and childish.
My own sister blocked me on Whatsapp and hasn't spoken to me since my own wedding six months ago. It all came from family drama leading up to my wedding and after it.
The annoying thing is that she still has a picture of her and I at the wedding as her profile picture on Facebook. Anything for the likely likes.
Our relationship has gone beyond the point of repair at this stage.
I second what another OP has said, put your time and energy into your relationship and concentrate on being happy.
Crap like this just eats you up. Why have people in your life who don't champion you and your happiness.
Life is too short to deal with other people's constant drama.0 -
Well I’ve been told by my family to delete this thread. Can someone advise me how to do this?0
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caimitator wrote: »Well I’ve been told by my family to delete this thread. Can someone advise me how to do this?
You can PM a moderator on the forum to do that.
So sorry you're going through all of this and if you need somewhere to vent please do come back for support.0 -
Dear Readers
It appears the OP left out quite a few salient details in an effort to garner sympathy from strangers online. [MOD SNIP]
1. The "ever so supportive SO" has a history of… actually I was raised better than to air my dirty laundry online. Let’s just say the relationship hasn’t always exactly been the smooth sailing she implies.
2. The sister in question (whose birthday coincides with the wedding day) has never willingly celebrated her own birthday, let alone thrown a party or demanded a massive commemoration of the occasion, at any age, for any milestone.
3. The sister in question has also never once received a text about the wedding that she did not respond to.
4. ...
Actually it is impossible and quite frankly a waste of time to try and point out the countless lies, misquotes and outlandish reimaginings of several events that she has portrayed here but perhaps the fact that this thread started out as one involving drama over a wedding planner and, once she got some responses, turned into a bitchfest about people who had no opportunity to defend themselves will give you some indication of the MO of the OP.
[MOD SNIP]
Rest assured that the drama begins, as always, with C and ends in aimitator.0 -
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