What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar · 07-07-2020 11:49am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Im almost thinking this is a breach of forum etiquette ...

apologies lads...

No worries Mr S, just have pumped out a burst of pale sludge.

Like wet mortar.

padd b1975 · 07-07-2020 12:45pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No worries Mr S, just have pumped out a burst of pale sludge.

Like wet mortar.

Couple of punnets of white peaches?

Hector Savage · 08-07-2020 8:04am

Up early this morning, 7.50 - early for me , went to the local cafe and grabbed a large coffee and croissant.
Certainly got the guts moving as I dumped out a scutthery frothy load - rather similar in colour to the coffee I just drank.

excellent cleansing qualities I must admit.

- The ½ gallon of Paulaner I had last night probably added to it aswel...

gerrybbadd · 08-07-2020 11:59am

Something's taken a turn for the worst with the diet. I'm back to squirting like a Japanese Pornstar, except from the anal lips. And in greater volume.

I was delighted to be back to laying out nests of baby eels, and even managed a grand Bratwurst comparable delivery in the past week. I don't know have i overdosed on raw spinach leaves or whatever, but by jaysus.

I had to go for a curry chips, battered sausages and onion rings to help cheer me up last night.

Hector Savage · 08-07-2020 2:24pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Something's taken a turn for the worst with the diet. I'm back to squirting like a Japanese Pornstar, except from the anal lips. And in greater volume.

I was delighted to be back to laying out nests of baby eels, and even managed a grand Bratwurst comparable delivery in the past week. I don't know have i overdosed on raw spinach leaves or whatever, but by jaysus.

I had to go for a curry chips, battered sausages and onion rings to help cheer me up last night.

You'll be shotgun blasting the pewter with rancid scutter with that intake!!

gerrybbadd · 08-07-2020 2:31pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

You'll be shotgun blasting the pewter with rancid scutter with that intake!!

Well ahead of ya HS. The poor kids had to come brush their teeth in the same bathroom this morning, and I wouldn't be surprised it they had to squeeze a bit of toothpaste up each nostril to protect from the fent.

Delightfully though, very little paperwork required.

Hotblack Desiato · 09-07-2020 1:59pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm back to squirting like a Japanese Pornstar, except from the anal lips.

You've never seen Tubgirl then.

EmmetSpiceland · 09-07-2020 2:12pm

Gentlemen, please.

Ultrflat · 09-07-2020 2:20pm

You know its bad when you flush three times on the same sitting

JohnnyFlash · 09-07-2020 2:34pm

Ultrflat wrote: »

You know its bad when you flush three times on the same sitting

Was it lodged?

gerrybbadd · 09-07-2020 3:46pm

Ultrflat wrote: »

You know its bad when you flush three times on the same sitting

God be with the days...

NeinNeinNein · 09-07-2020 5:21pm

Ultrflat wrote: »

You know its bad when you flush three times on the same sitting

Coat hanger the monster. Don't put it back in her wardrobe afterwards.

JohnnyFlash · 09-07-2020 5:24pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Coat hanger the monster. Don't put it back in her wardrobe afterwards.

Caustic soda works very well. Handle with care (the caustic soda) and wear gloves (when using the caustic soda).

Some of the elderly posters around here like Brendan and Nevin are in favour of the grip and bag method. Then fück it out the window of the Dacia Duster when passing a halting site or on a bog road.

Hotblack Desiato · 09-07-2020 7:07pm

I'd be concerned at putting noxious chemicals down the jacks and then forgetting to flush them away before the next sitting

Some things you really don't want splashed on the old kangarooskin purse

Brendan Bendar · 09-07-2020 8:14pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Caustic soda works very well. Handle with care (the caustic soda) and wear gloves (when using the caustic soda).

Some of the elderly posters around here like Brendan and Nevin are in favour of the grip and bag method. Then fück it out the window of the Dacia Duster when passing a halting site or on a bog road.

Less of the ‘elderly’ pal.

Do admit to chucking the odd flagon of ‘Truckers Cider’ out the window after injecting a rake of pints in the clubhouse. Auld bladder is a bit flaky.

Parsnipp it’s believed,has admitted to easing the cheeks off the drivers seat on the M1 , sliding down the dun coloured drawstring trakkie bottoms and greasy thong, then hosing a streel of sour scutther into a well placed shower cap.

Shower caps full of maggoty midden found several times around Exit 4 Lissenhall.

Several dead badgers in the vicinity.

Rotten kernt.

EmmetSpiceland · 10-07-2020 11:30am

Not a great start to my morning here. I’ve a few things I wanted to get done today but now I’m a way behind.

Felt the “rumblings” early on this morning but put it off for a little while. Wasn’t any discomfort so figured I’d be fine just holding it on the “clutch” for a bit.

I’d say it was “simmering” for well over an hour before my brain got the signal that there was no more time, get to the jacks now. I was in the middle of something and, foolishly, kept things in check by, sort of, hopping from foot to foot.

Eventually, enough was enough. The flop sweat started to pour and I ran, literally ran, to the toilet. I’m not quite sure what happened but I think that as soon as I arched for the sit that the clutch burnt out and the “deposit” lurched out early.

The initial front loaded part was solid enough but due to the motion on exit had “flopped” against the front “beach” of the bowl, with its tail barely in the water. Then the next “instalment” came out hot and fast, it had consistency but it was, quite, smushy.

All of these “factors” combined for a, really, dreadful clean up. I’d been here before, we all have, just get working and it’ll be fine.

Honestly, my arse was sore after it. Wipe after wipe after wipe after wipe. You know the drill. Even had to do that hair pinch wipe due to the stool exiting before the cheeks fully parted so there was a fair amount of “smearage”.

Once that was complete I treated myself to a quick browse online. Just a look at some to topical news, sports articles and a quick glance at boards. Usual fare. Was ready to get up and face the rest of the day then. Or so I thought.

Before I had the chance to move I got a short, sharp, cramp. I couldn’t believe it. There was another round in the “chamber”. And it did not feel like a good one.

I was right about that. It wasn’t solid at all, best described as “soft serve”. Bloody thing oozed out and made sure to leave a proper impression, like a nasty chocolate kiss.

Had to go at it again with the clean up but couldn’t go too hard because of the tender “ring piece”. Why do our own bodies play such nasty tricks on us?

It’s really ruined my day. My plans are all pushed back and I can’t sit comfortable due to my “hot hole”.

Life can be cruel sometimes but we can’t let that define who we are, it’s how we rise about these pitfalls that shows the world who we really are.

Namaste.

Slideways · 10-07-2020 1:34pm

It’s the sign of a well balanced man (let’s be frank here and leave the ladies out of it) that have a poor schitting experience and not take it out on his fellow workmates or family for the rest of the day.

Well done E

partyguinness · 10-07-2020 3:49pm

Since I started my latest fad diet with berries and nuts and strong filter coffee for breakfast I have piped out some truly incredible work.

Even this morning piped out a good (honest to God) 15 inches of baby arm size midden. All in one continuous stream. It is spiritual at this stage. It is genuinely the highlight of my day. Before I would day dream about past glories on the pitch but now I think about beautiful unloads.

It clears the bay in seconds and not much of a waft but Jaysus the sheer amount is frightening. A bonus also that it is so long and continuous that splashback is a distant memory. No uncomfortable sounds to drown out. Half of it is in the bowl while the other half is still clearing the hatch.

Our toilet cannot handle it though. I have given up the ghost trying to hide the repeat flushes. 3 is now standard and the life of our poor Accounts lady has taken a turn for the worse. She actually asked to work from home this week. First time ever. 3 flushes and still I am pushing a rogue turd down the bend. I had 4 flushes earlier in the week and still left some collateral damage- a 5th flush was too much.

On a more sombre note I am genuinely concerned for the future of our toilet. The cistern is getting loose and leaking water. May have been a little too rigorous at times lately.

I noticed too the auld lad has started putting one of those blocks in the cistern which makes the water blue and foamy after a flush. First time in 7 years- he must have noticed that the Shire Shanks is taking a right hammering of late. It is most inconvenient. After a flush I cannot see if there are any survivors. I have to grab the brush and part the suds to check and then take appropriate action.

10-07-2020 6:56pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Since I started my latest fad diet with berries and nuts and strong filter coffee for breakfast I have piped out some truly incredible work.

Even this morning piped out a good (honest to God) 15 inches of baby arm size midden. All in one continuous stream. It is spiritual at this stage. It is genuinely the highlight of my day. Before I would day dream about past glories on the pitch but now I think about beautiful unloads.

It clears the bay in seconds and not much of a waft but Jaysus the sheer amount is frightening. A bonus also that it is so long and continuous that splashback is a distant memory. No uncomfortable sounds to drown out. Half of it is in the bowl while the other half is still clearing the hatch.

Our toilet cannot handle it though. I have given up the ghost trying to hide the repeat flushes. 3 is now standard and the life of our poor Accounts lady has taken a turn for the worse. She actually asked to work from home this week. First time ever. 3 flushes and still I am pushing a rogue turd down the bend. I had 4 flushes earlier in the week and still left some collateral damage- a 5th flush was too much.

On a more sombre note I am genuinely concerned for the future of our toilet. The cistern is getting loose and leaking water. May have been a little too rigorous at times lately.

I noticed too the auld lad has started putting one of those blocks in the cistern which makes the water blue and foamy after a flush. First time in 7 years- he must have noticed that the Shire Shanks is taking a right hammering of late. It is most inconvenient. After a flush I cannot see if there are any survivors. I have to grab the brush and part the suds to check and then take appropriate action.

I wonder if there are any plumbers here that could help. Is it possible /feasible to retrofit larger diameter pipes to the throne to help clear larger "deposits". The jack's at work seems to swallow copious amounts of midden and paperwork with ease compared to the home unit which requires several flushes to clear similar "loads".

Bullocks · 10-07-2020 10:21pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I wonder if there are any plumbers here that could help. Is it possible /feasible to retrofit larger diameter pipes to the throne to help clear larger "deposits". The jack's at work seems to swallow copious amounts of midden and paperwork with ease compared to the home unit which requires several flushes to clear similar "loads".

Commercial office's would be piped in 6" sewer pipes as opposed to standard 4" pipes for residential . Also toilets in a multi storey buildings are usually dropping straight down a couple floors at great speed as opposed to say a bungalow that will have way less of a fall in the pipes running out of the house at ground level .
If you need a few flushes it could be worth looking at your sewer pipe where it comes out of the house . It should be vented to avoid getting airlocked after the flush ,if that's not done it will slow down the flush .
If you're not working tomorrow nialler I'd highly recommend lifting a few AJ lids and getting to know your own sewer . Won't take long and you might spot a problem and if not sure what harm , just blame the women in the house for throwing wet wipes down the jack's anyhow !

Hand in Your Pants · 10-07-2020 10:30pm

Was on a ten day course of laxatives recently (duphalac plus prune juice). Chite went mustard coloured and the freckle was very frothy with a bit of grit in there. Endless amount of wiping, permanent marker every time, with a disconcerting 'popping' or 'plucking' sound from the canal mouth presumably as the moist pink surface area of my inner chute and lips reacted with trapped pockets of gas and atypical pressure. Sweet and nasty smell of syrup the whole while. Very little value in the treatment for me and massive wastage of toilet paper.

Nevin Parsnipp · 10-07-2020 10:40pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Less of the ‘elderly’ pal.

Do admit to chucking the odd flagon of ‘Truckers Cider’ out the window after injecting a rake of pints in the clubhouse. Auld bladder is a bit flaky.

Parsnipp it’s believed,has admitted to easing the cheeks off the drivers seat on the M1 , sliding down the dun coloured drawstring trakkie bottoms and greasy thong, then hosing a streel of sour scutther into a well placed shower cap.

Shower caps full of maggoty midden found several times around Exit 4 Lissenhall.

Several dead badgers in the vicinity.

Rotten kernt.

Fcukin actionable post that...... and the other by that scrote Flash..."The Nev" admits to have been short taken on a few occasions but has always pulled the 7 series into a safe position before blowing a cloud of floury midden into the undergrowth.

Keep a wide necked bottle on the passenger seat in case of an urgent bladder issue and always empty carefully to avoid splashing the paintwork i.e at less than 30 KPH.

Has had me on time for important metings on many occasions....

Recommended...

Class MayDresser · 10-07-2020 10:45pm

Fright to think there's lads driving their own 7s. You Polish Nevin?

Nevin Parsnipp · 10-07-2020 10:56pm

Class MayDresser wrote: »

Fright to think there's lads driving their own 7s. You Polish Nevin?

Nah mate ...native son me ...Bogger and proud of it !

Reasonably big in the outdoor catering game ...which gives a good return without much hassle from Gladney and the lads from Ashtown Gate .

The slab is only a 132 and a bit pretentious to be honest ...but need the power for towin and the like....if you get my drift.....the take off power can be ...uh...useful at times ....

JohnnyFlash · 10-07-2020 11:10pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Nah mate ...native son me ...Bogger and proud of it !

Reasonably big in the outdoor catering game ...which gives a good return without much hassle from Gladney and the lads from Ashtown Gate .

The slab is only a 132 and a bit pretentious to be honest ...but need the power for towin and the like....if you get my drift.....the take off power can be ...uh...useful at times ....

Big tank, Nevin. You could visit the parochial house, pick up Fr. Larry Finnegan, the dude over from the missions, and still have space for Fr. Buck Reynolds and Fr. Lance Purcell. Then head off towards a lay-by in Donabate to 'discuss scripture'.

Brendan Bendar · 11-07-2020 6:12am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Big tank, Nevin. You could visit the parochial house, pick up Fr. Larry Finnegan, the dude over from the missions, and still have space for Fr. Buck Reynolds and Fr. Lance Purcell. Then head off towards a lay-by in Donabate to 'discuss scripture'.

Flutther of excitement in the area,John,last week.

Fr. Phelim Flood arrived back from Angola, rather suddenly.

Reynolds and Purcell were seen in Supermacs on the N1 with 3 big snack boxes.

Big cornholing session planned probably.

JohnnyFlash · 12-07-2020 9:16pm

Headed down to Galway yesterday evening. Ended up in an excellent seafood restaurant where I knocked back a dozen oysters, a portion of crab claws, fish and chips, and 9 pints of Guinness.

The arse wasn’t great this morning, and I was glad I was playing golf as I was leaking out a huge amount of foul swamp gas. Ended up going for a massive loose shíte in the club house just after finishing the turkey and ham. Extremely acidic. My hole is like a dragon’s nostril since.

Slideways · 13-07-2020 11:55pm

My mind begins to wander
As I sit here on the throne and ponder
Where my diet went so wrong
And why my turds, they smell so strong

Do the sprouts I eat so often
Cause my stool to whiff and soften
Does the beer I consume with gusto
Cause the wind to build up just so

Rushing my food the mrs complains
Causes the flatulence she so disdains
I just think my arse likes to rejoice
Of the luscious food that is so nice

I stand, I scrunch and then I wipe
The starfish clean with just one swipe
Half a flush, it was no fighter
It’s back to work, half stone lighter

Voodoomelon · 14-07-2020 10:41am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not a great start to my morning here. I’ve a few things I wanted to get done today but now I’m a way behind.

Felt the “rumblings” early on this morning but put it off for a little while. Wasn’t any discomfort so figured I’d be fine just holding it on the “clutch” for a bit.

I’d say it was “simmering” for well over an hour before my brain got the signal that there was no more time, get to the jacks now. I was in the middle of something and, foolishly, kept things in check by, sort of, hopping from foot to foot.

Eventually, enough was enough. The flop sweat started to pour and I ran, literally ran, to the toilet. I’m not quite sure what happened but I think that as soon as I arched for the sit that the clutch burnt out and the “deposit” lurched out early.

The initial front loaded part was solid enough but due to the motion on exit had “flopped” against the front “beach” of the bowl, with its tail barely in the water. Then the next “instalment” came out hot and fast, it had consistency but it was, quite, smushy.

All of these “factors” combined for a, really, dreadful clean up. I’d been here before, we all have, just get working and it’ll be fine.

Honestly, my arse was sore after it. Wipe after wipe after wipe after wipe. You know the drill. Even had to do that hair pinch wipe due to the stool exiting before the cheeks fully parted so there was a fair amount of “smearage”.

Once that was complete I treated myself to a quick browse online. Just a look at some to topical news, sports articles and a quick glance at boards. Usual fare. Was ready to get up and face the rest of the day then. Or so I thought.

Before I had the chance to move I got a short, sharp, cramp. I couldn’t believe it. There was another round in the “chamber”. And it did not feel like a good one.

I was right about that. It wasn’t solid at all, best described as “soft serve”. Bloody thing oozed out and made sure to leave a proper impression, like a nasty chocolate kiss.

Had to go at it again with the clean up but couldn’t go too hard because of the tender “ring piece”. Why do our own bodies play such nasty tricks on us?

It’s really ruined my day. My plans are all pushed back and I can’t sit comfortable due to my “hot hole”.

Life can be cruel sometimes but we can’t let that define who we are, it’s how we rise about these pitfalls that shows the world who we really are.

Namaste.

A little baffled here, you had an exceptionally messy experience, cleaned up for several minutes with wipe after wipe and then proceeded to sit down and swipe the phone with soiled fingers? You obviously weren't smearing Nutella all over your screen, but you fingers were right up your arse crack a few moments previous.

EmmetSpiceland · 14-07-2020 10:47am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

A little baffled here, you had an exceptionally messy experience, cleaned up for several minutes with wipe after wipe and then proceeded to sit down and swipe the phone with soiled fingers? You obviously weren't smearing Nutella all over your screen, but you fingers were right up your arse crack a few moments previous.

What? Are you suggesting I “cleaned up” with my bare hand? Jesus. No! I used toilet paper.

After that, I was sure I was done but took a few minutes to myself, for some mindful “reflection” and mental distraction.

It was then I was “seized” with a second bout, one which I was not expecting and it led to further, uncomfortable, cleaning. Due to the “ring piece” being fairly, shall we say, raw from the first round.

Felt like what a baboon’s arse looks like, if you get me.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments