What's the etiquette here??

Slideways

Felt like what a baboon’s arse looks like, if you get me.

It might be suggested that the similarities don’t end there either...

EmmetSpiceland

Slideways wrote: »

It might be suggested that the similarities don’t end there either...

PM sent.

Bullocks

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

PM sent.

I hope that PM contained a picture of your engorged ring.....

Bullocks

Slideways wrote: »

It might be suggested that the similarities don’t end there either...

That's a dirty rub there Slideways. No need......

EmmetSpiceland

Bullocks wrote: »

I hope that PM contained a picture of your engorged ring.....

A gentleman never ring pics and tells.

NeinNeinNein

I really don't think that private messaging should be encouraged in this thread.

BlaktainPicard

Is there a similar thread like this on reddit ?
Id be afraid to look, probably full of photos!

fuerte1976

BlaktainPicard wrote: »

Is there a similar thread like this on reddit ?
Id be afraid to look, probably full of photos!

If there is, it wouldn't touch this thread with the genuine concern shown by the majority of contributers to this fine theatre.

BlaktainPicard

BlaktainPicard wrote: »

Is there a similar thread like this on reddit ?
Id be afraid to look, probably full of photos!

I suspect such graphic stool reports are rare outside the Bowel Motility Clinic in the Bon Secours

FintanMcluskey

This is without doubt the one thread on boards that I've read while laughing hysterically in public!

The writing skills on some posts are unbelievably well structured, very talented individuals on here.

Its weird too, its something not talked about, but its a function every human on earth partakes in every day(depending on fibre intake).

Keep up the good work lads

An Ri rua

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

I really don't think that private messaging should be encouraged in this thread.

Tik tok..So they can scar each other's minds forever

An Ri rua

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Caustic soda works very well. Handle with care (the caustic soda) and wear gloves (when using the caustic soda).

Some of the elderly posters around here like Brendan and Nevin are in favour of the grip and bag method. Then fück it out the window of the Dacia Duster when passing a halting site or on a bog road.

You're bringing back memories Johnny, a tear to my eye. Then and now.
I'd just had the misfortune of going through with a barium swallow and I only a few weeks in new digs.
Digging is what I had to do?! That's when I got the plasticine out of my extruder and into the bowl. Custom job. One off.
J*susss, I was hounded by the clock (I was too newly ensconced to know the lie of the land. Some dose, to put your mark on a young one by having a pottery clay anaemic dump just before she has her beauty shower).
The clock ticking and the ring settling into the stretches, I thought I might have a parasite in me, like Quaid, but no, it was the liquid cement. And the air was getting to it.
It was all I could do to get it out of the bowel and into the bowl. It lay shuddering like a wet weak calf and I bandylegged like a pitched past pitch of grief heifer cow. A reluctant cow, an accidental birth machine.
I went past crying that evening. It was straining against the clock and then it became straining against the oxygen and glucose I had left in me. I had pictures of me dead on my nest, like a hero hen bird. Flash feathers but rotten eggs.


Barium swallee my a*sé. Drink this sh*te tíl we see what blocks first.

Ah memories...

Oh yeah, bottom line, I bagged up that mess.. Threw it too close to an Indian. Still feel v guilty when I read the Paneer gaatrobug sagas

cj maxx

At last a thread I can ask this question on.
Why is my ****e different colours after being in a hotel,?

Brendan Bendar

cj maxx wrote: »

At last a thread I can ask this question on.
Why is my ****e different colours after being in a hotel,?

Richer food and diet change is usually the answer.

I always get a bit ‘bound’ in hotels.

Usually takes about three days to loosen.

Many a ‘chubb’ of thick stinking shïte I left wallowing in the pan for the room staff to ponder.

Hope they didn’t light a match.

An Ri rua

cj maxx wrote: »

At last a thread I can ask this question on.
Why is my ****e different colours after being in a hotel,?

I'd say it's just a trick of the eye. It has a different hue when viewed on the floor or in the bed as against when glistening in the bowl.
Think of when you wash your car to sell it. Polishing the turf, as it were. I wouldn't worry.

EmmetSpiceland

cj maxx wrote: »

At last a thread I can ask this question on.
Why is my ****e different colours after being in a hotel,?

Off the top of my head, I’d say it’s down to the “lighting”, C. Hotel bathrooms usually have those bright spot lights.

Couple that with, the more, shallow bowl and those burnt ochres are really going to “pop”. A standard home bathroom, generally, has weaker lighting and a deeper bowl.

I am, of course, open to correction.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Off the top of my head, I’d say it’s down to the “lighting”, C. Hotel bathrooms usually have those bright spot lights.

Couple that with, the more, shallow bowl and those burnt ochres are really going to “pop”. A standard home bathroom, generally, has weaker lighting and a deeper bowl.

I am, of course, open to correction.

Can’t discount dodgy hotel bar porter either.

Hotblack Desiato

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Richer food and diet change is usually the answer.

I always get a bit ‘bound’ in hotels.

Usually takes about three days to loosen.

Many a ‘chubb’ of thick stinking shïte I left wallowing in the pan for the room staff to ponder.

Hope they didn’t light a match.

Ah now Brendan.

I know there sometimes are the "Unsinkable Molly Browns", or the "Death Cobras" but easily 95% of rectal produce is readily dealt with by the second if not the first flush.

It's just not right to confront the lowest paid staff in the hotel with something you could and should have disposed of yourself.

I'm not talking brush action or anything here - Jeez I hate those yokes, germ factories if there ever was one. No, just being remiss on the flush action. There is no excuse for that sort of thing from a proper gentleman, really.

Brendan Bendar

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Ah now Brendan.

I know there sometimes are the "Unsinkable Molly Browns", or the "Death Cobras" but easily 95% of rectal produce is readily dealt with by the second if not the first flush.

It's just not right to confront the lowest paid staff in the hotel with something you could and should have disposed of yourself.

I'm not talking brush action or anything here - Jeez I hate those yokes, germ factories if there ever was one. No, just being remiss on the flush action. There is no excuse for that sort of thing from a proper gentleman, really.

I reflected on this and you are indeed correct.

I did have to pay a Sawbuck to get rid of a ‘scattered’ load in a hotel near McArthur Airport L.I. N Y.

I will ensure the load leaves the room before I do ,even if ‘stick action ‘ is required.

Thank you.

partyguinness

Dropped a fine baby armed size log around 9.30 at work. Of course, it put up a fight and had no notion of going quietly. One flush and it just sat there bobbing away laughing at me.

But as the only other male in the business is on holiday for the week, I decided to let it sit there. Sure, I’ll be back later on.

Anyway because of all the water I drink, I have been to the jacks 4 times already and that turd finally gave up the ghost on the fourth flush.

It was easier sinking the Bismarck.

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

Dropped a fine baby armed size log around 9.30 at work. Of course, it put up a fight and had no notion of going quietly. One flush and it just sat there bobbing away laughing at me.

But as the only other male in the business is on holiday for the week, I decided to let it sit there. Sure, I’ll be back later on.

Anyway because of all the water I drink, I have been to the jacks 4 times already and that turd finally gave up the ghost on the fourth flush.

It was easier sinking the Bismarck.

Were you using the píss stream as a sort of “power washer”? It’ll do the job but the smell it kicks up is incredibly foul.

A shocking “experience” if it’s covered in paper and not one of your own.

partyguinness

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Were you using the píss stream as a sort of “power washer”? It’ll do the job but the smell it kicks up is incredibly foul.

A shocking “experience” if it’s covered in paper and not one of your own.

No. I didn't want to rest to the office to hear my Fireman Sam impressions. I am a silent pisser.

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

No. I didn't want to rest to the office to hear my Fireman Sam impressions. I am a silent pisser.

Maintaining, exemplary, toilet etiquette in a time of, potential, “crisis”. Incredibly admirable. Well done.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Were you using the píss stream as a sort of “power washer”? It’ll do the job but the smell it kicks up is incredibly foul.

A shocking “experience” if it’s covered in paper and not one of your own.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Croke Park,
Emmet, but that’s a very common site in the shïtters there. A load of toilet paper lodged in the bowl with a huge watery shïte sitting on top of it. Usually an attempt made to flush the entire fiasco away, without success. A smell that would floor an Indian sewage worker.

Can be particularly bad on days that ‘the Dubs’ are playing. Fücking animals.

fuerte1976

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Croke Park,
Emmet, but that’s a very common site in the shïtters there. A load of toilet paper lodged in the bowl with a huge watery shïte sitting on top of it. Usually an attempt made to flush the entire fiasco away, without success. A smell that would floor an Indian sewage worker.

Can be particularly bad on days that ‘the Dubs’ are playing. Fücking animals.

Akin to a nice lasagne in the making..

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Croke Park,
Emmet, but that’s a very common site in the shïtters there. A load of toilet paper lodged in the bowl with a huge watery shïte sitting on top of it. Usually an attempt made to flush the entire fiasco away, without success. A smell that would floor an Indian sewage worker.

Can be particularly bad on days that ‘the Dubs’ are playing. Fücking animals.

I have indeed been to Croke Park, and not just when it took in the rugby during the building of the Aviva.

The GAA crowd may be a different “breed” but the porter is the same colour so the shítters tend to be a disaster either side of the river.

I’ll tell you this, I’d take either set of “facilities” over the ones in Stade de France. I’ve been over there a few times, lastly for the game that ended with that epic drive and Sexton’s drop goal.

Anyway, try going into those jacks when you’re full of lager, only to be faced with one of those porcelain “holes” in the ground. A lesson in “core” strength.

I’ve heard tales of near misses having to be “encouraged” into the hole with a, tissue-wrapped, shoe. Win, lose, or draw that is not a “situation” you’re going to be leaving with a smile on your face.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I have indeed been to Croke Park, and not just when it took in the rugby during the building of the Aviva.

The GAA crowd may be a different “breed” but the porter is the same colour so the shítters tend to be a disaster either side of the river.

I’ll tell you this, I’d take either set of “facilities” over the ones in Stade de France. I’ve been over there a few times, lastly for the game that ended with that epic drive and Sexton’s drop goal.

Anyway, try going into those jacks when you’re full of lager, only to be faced with one of those porcelain “holes” in the ground. A lesson in “core” strength.

I’ve heard tales of near misses having to be “encouraged” into the hole with a, tissue-wrapped, shoe. Win, lose, or draw that is not a “situation” you’re going to be leaving with a smile on your face.

Saw a lad coming out of one of these ‘establishments’ with a match programme liberally covered in ripe midden.

Obviously used as an ‘encourager’ for a reluctant buttery club.

Over to the taps ,ran her under the water, wipe with a wad of bum roll, into the arse pocket and away.

Wearing a pair of Farrah slacks mustard color , Galway cap and walked with a Woodford gimp.

Filthy kernt.

EmmetSpiceland

As some of you may be aware, I am currently “holidaying” in the lovely county of Clare. I believe I’ve mentioned this in another thread, but considering the sheer volume of posters that “follow” me around maybe I didn’t need to point that out.

Anyway, it’s a lovely spot. Great sea view. Weather has been less than “ideal” but not, exactly, a washout so hasn’t dampened the spirits.

The real downside has been the toilet facilities. There’s three bathrooms in the house but not one of them, yes I’ve tried each one, packs any real “punch”. Lots of bowl filling before a big, gurgling, “swallow” and, then, taking 3 to 4 flushes to clear everything.

What’s worse is that they seem have thrown in about 20 pink toilet blocks into each cistern. The water looks toxic and has a smell similar to an airplane toilet or a, standard, “portaloo”. When the flush is engaged and the chemicals mix with the excrement the smell is upgraded to “festival toilet”.

When “checking in” I took the guy aside to have a word about the jacks, you know, just to get the “lay of the land”. He said they were all newly installed models, only a few months old. Only the best, he says.

I then asked about “capacity” and was told that they ‘could take anything Dublin had to offer’. I made a joke about contacting ‘the boys down at the treatment plant’, he looked at me perplexed.

‘Treatment plant?’ He asked, ‘Yeah, you know? Where they treat the waste’.
‘G’way outta dat!’, said he. ‘We send it straight out to sea, as is. None of your messing about.’

Then he gave me a mischievous look and cracked a big smile. ‘Treat it?’ He asked, incredulously. ‘Sure what would you be treating it to? Dinner and a dance?!’ He shouted the last bit and doubled over laughing.

He left then, still in stitches as he went out the door. Not sure what I can do to get back at the guy, I’ve thought about “upper decking” but they’ll have my credit card details so could hit me up for some sort of “soiling charge”.

I guess I can try work something out while waiting for the cistern to fill up for the third time after my morning “deposit”.

Brendan Bendar

Should be plenty of fat mackerel shoaling around the outpipe.

Fond of spicey loads them kernts.

Bullocks

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

As some of you may be aware, I am currently “holidaying” in the lovely county of Clare. I believe I’ve mentioned this in another thread, but considering the sheer volume of posters that “follow” me around maybe I didn’t need to point that out.

Anyway, it’s a lovely spot. Great sea view. Weather has been less than “ideal” but not, exactly, a washout so hasn’t dampened the spirits.

The real downside has been the toilet facilities. There’s three bathrooms in the house but not one of them, yes I’ve tried each one, packs any real “punch”. Lots of bowl filling before a big, gurgling, “swallow” and, then, taking 3 to 4 flushes to clear everything.

What’s worse is that they seem have thrown in about 20 pink toilet blocks into each cistern. The water looks toxic and has a smell similar to an airplane toilet or a, standard, “portaloo”. When the flush is engaged and the chemicals mix with the excrement the smell is upgraded to “festival toilet”.

When “checking in” I took the guy aside to have a word about the jacks, you know, just to get the “lay of the land”. He said they were all newly installed models, only a few months old. Only the best, he says.

I then asked about “capacity” and was told that they ‘could take anything Dublin had to offer’. I made a joke about contacting ‘the boys down at the treatment plant’, he looked at me perplexed.

‘Treatment plant?’ He asked, ‘Yeah, you know? Where they treat the waste’.
‘G’way outta dat!’, said he. ‘We send it straight out to sea, as is. None of your messing about.’

Then he gave me a mischievous look and cracked a big smile. ‘Treat it?’ He asked, incredulously. ‘Sure what would you be treating it to? Dinner and a dance?!’ He shouted the last bit and doubled over laughing.

He left then, still in stitches as he went out the door. Not sure what I can do to get back at the guy, I’ve thought about “upper decking” but they’ll have my credit card details so could hit me up for some sort of “soiling charge”.

I guess I can try work something out while waiting for the cistern to fill up for the third time after my morning “deposit”.

After that it's a subscription to this thread you should get him