What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland · 26-08-2019 11:58am

Condolences, A.

Can’t be easy to find that out. Or to discover you may have been, inadvertently, mixing another man’s “porridge” for some time.

Hope you’re in a better place now.

Roger Hassenforder · 26-08-2019 12:01pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Condolences, A.

Can’t be easy to find that out. Or to discover you may have been, inadvertently, mixing another man’s “porridge” for some time.

Hope you’re in a better place now.

Given his predilection for cunnilingis atop the old TV set, I fear he may have been more than just "stirring" another mans porridge...

I hope he'll recover.

mfceiling · 26-08-2019 12:07pm

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Given his predilection for cunnilingis atop the old TV set, I fear he may have been more than just "stirring" another mans porridge...

I hope he'll recover.

Indeed.

The thought of gargling another lads baby gravy is most unsettling.

Back to sh*tting matters....I was in Lisbon for the weekend with herself. Bulling for a slash when I saw a sign.."worlds coolest toilet". Paid the euro to gain entry and they had a wall with every conceivable colour of bog roll on it. Was very disappointed that my freckle had been cleared earlier that morning and the only thing I required was a swing and a miss.

What colour of wrap would you lads have used on the badge?

Deebles McBeebles · 26-08-2019 12:10pm

Brown if I was feeling lucky.

gerrybbadd · 26-08-2019 12:16pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Brown if I was feeling lucky.

Risky DB. Mightn't pass the visual check. Heading out all proud, full sure the purse was clean, but the paper has deceived you

Deebles McBeebles · 26-08-2019 12:41pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Risky DB. Mightn't pass the visual check. Heading out all proud, full sure the purse was clean, but the paper has deceived you

Risky indeed, Gerry. Hence the caveat, "if I was feeling lucky".

Being a Prince fan, purple might be another interesting choice. There are reasons why no interior designer goes for a purple and brown colour scheme. It might even qualify as some kind of modern scat art.

Brendan Bendar · 26-08-2019 5:37pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Morning and early afternoon were spent in a Skoda car dealership outside Dusseldorf. I was arguing with salesman to allow me use of new car to drive home to collect Mazda for trade in at Mazda dealership. I got call on mobile from childhood friend, a buddy who I would drink a glass of lager with each week after close of business hours. In these days, outside of heads of state, mafia hitman, or big buck showman, it was rare to have mobile phone for personal use and I remember clear as day standing with back to Skoda Dealership, facing out onto ring road, and beyond, the motorway, about to buy three year old car and thinking life was pretty darn good for me. Call from childhood friend was to report that he had spotted ex-wife leaving kindergarten (she was teacher) on morning break with other teacher, hand in hand, poised for a kiss. Of course she had been having intercourse with this guy for six months. One thing that always perturbs me is where she got so much energy from as I would stretch her out every single day, often twice, without fail. I would pump her in bathroom on regular basis, on floor of bedroom, and I give her cunninlingus as she sat legs straddled on top of old fashioned television set. We had full trunk of sex toys, vibrators, dildos, double edge dildos, handcuffs, enema tools, and dirty videos.

Were the rabbits ears up her hole, by any chance, with the unit tuned into an Angela Merkel political broadcast.

Have her fizzing like Bottled Bass for sure.

Glaze the top of the unit.

JimmieTwoTimes · 27-08-2019 12:39am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This thread has it all - pathos, logos, poetry, philosophy, rhetoric. A true senate of debate.

It deserves the same status as the debating halls of ancient Rome and Greece.

Raconteuse · 27-08-2019 12:53am

Enema tools. :eek:

sligojoek · 27-08-2019 1:04am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Have her fizzing like Bottled Bass for sure.

Glaze the top of the unit.

Ha Ha. Only you BB.

Glaze the top of both units in one go.

JimmieTwoTimes · 27-08-2019 1:13am

Heard stories of what goes on with heavy drinkers in these small rural towns

A typical day consists of hitting the pub early in the day and filling up the tank on stout. The quantity of stout consumed builds up a fierce activity in the bowels. The years of drinking stout along with the level of intoxication on a constant bases has resulted them transcending into a higher level of being. They no longer take trips to the Armitage Shanks sanctuary but instead unleash their brown fury on to themselves with the victims typically consisting of beige chinos and the occasional mattress.

sligojoek · 27-08-2019 1:37am

JimmieTwoTimes wrote: »

Heard stories of what goes on with heavy drinkers in these small rural towns

A typical day consists of hitting the pub early in the day and filling up the tank on stout. The quantity of stout consumed builds up a fierce activity in the bowels. The years of drinking stout along with the level of intoxication on a constant bases has resulted them transcending into a higher level of being. They no longer take trips to the Armitage Shanks sanctuary but instead unleash their brown fury on to themselves with the victims typically consisting of beige chinos and the occasional mattress.

Or "Tarmac the bed" as my mate from Connemara says.

4 of us had a lock in in the local one night. last week. I didn't stay too late. However I met oe of the lads today and asked him , did he stay long after that.

His answer was, "I'll put it to you like this. The dung was fairly soft the following morning."

Bullocks · 27-08-2019 6:15am

JimmieTwoTimes wrote: »

Heard stories of what goes on with heavy drinkers in these small rural towns

A typical day consists of hitting the pub early in the day and filling up the tank on stout. The quantity of stout consumed builds up a fierce activity in the bowels. The years of drinking stout along with the level of intoxication on a constant bases has resulted them transcending into a higher level of being. They no longer take trips to the Armitage Shanks sanctuary but instead unleash their brown fury on to themselves with the victims typically consisting of beige chinos and the occasional mattress.

In my local there are a few that the Guinney plays havoc with especially as these porter sharks get older . One poor ould devil has to walk home from the pub because he is so sure to write off his underpants . You just couldn't take the chance on him unless you were driving the tractor and transport box/ cattle trailer .
The other lad I've noticed in the last few years must be loosing the marbles because he wasn't always so transparent in his movements . He has his few pints and then heads for the deli in supervalue for wedges and chicken wings (that could be his problem right there ). He then heads down to the entrance of the shop to go thumbing home at a nice area with a few small plants and a sign for the estate next door . I'm guessing the pressure builds up in the red then but he doesn't panic , just hunkers down where he was standing and fertilizes the plants .KEEPS the flipping thumb out the whole time . Doesn't wipe and doesn't move an inch from his deposit until someone pulls up to give him a lift !

Scoundrel · 27-08-2019 12:04pm

A couple of regulars in my local would simply decamp the boxers into the cistern quick wipe down and back up to the bar for more.

Hector Savage · 27-08-2019 12:24pm

Jaysus lads!!
Good to see things returning to normal here.
Lately I have been waking up around 4/5AM with the need to empty the garbage guts - fair enough, but by 10AM I am depositing another 3KG of rancid arse midden in the work jacks.

I'm not even eating that much lately, been drinking a little more than normal, have a few ciders and Paulaners as I'm watching TV before bed, maybe that's got something to do with it.

Scoundrel · 27-08-2019 12:28pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Jaysus lads!!
Good to see things returning to normal here.
Lately I have been waking up around 4/5AM with the need to empty the garbage guts - fair enough, but by 10AM I am depositing another 3KG of rancid arse midden in the work jacks.

I'm not even eating that much lately, been drinking a little more than normal, have a few ciders and Paulaners as I'm watching TV before bed, maybe that's got something to do with it.

Cider is the problem there if im ever a bit backed up a couple of pints of cider usually gets the poo train back on track.

gerrybbadd · 27-08-2019 12:32pm

Yes, Cider is a scoundrel for providing slippy shytes.

IF you ever feel bound up, a few cans of Bulmers Pear Cider, and you'll be clear as day again.

Hector Savage · 27-08-2019 12:41pm

Have to say though, it feels great afterwards!!
From goosestepping to the jacks to walking on air out of them!

"Morning Ladies!" I say to the nice girls in the kitchen as I make my 2nd cup of coffee for round 2 later!!!

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. · 27-08-2019 4:06pm

Disgusting thing happened to me today. I went to use the hand drier after dropping a few tar bombs and came away from the machine with some sort of membrane stuck to my hand. Absolutely revolting it was. Switched from Guinness to Beamish half way through my session last night. The step down in taste was very apparent, I thought they were closer.

gerrybbadd · 27-08-2019 4:09pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Disgusting thing happened to me today. I went to use the hand drier after dropping a few tar bombs and came away from the machine with some sort of membrane stuck to my hand. Absolutely revolting it was. Switched from Guinness to Beamish half way through my session last night. The step down in taste was very apparent, I thought they were closer.

Ya didn't have a tactical **** while in the trap per chance?

JohnnyFlash · 27-08-2019 4:11pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Disgusting thing happened to me today. I went to use the hand drier after dropping a few tar bombs and came away from the machine with some sort of membrane stuck to my hand. Absolutely revolting it was. Switched from Guinness to Beamish half way through my session last night. The step down in taste was very apparent, I thought they were closer.

No offence, dude, but that was a pretty 'dumbass' decision. Beamish is fine if drank in Cork, but some of the examples you get thrown up to you in pubs in the Pale would turn your stomach before you even drank it. Murphy's would always be a better choice if you're going 'off piste' and not drinking Guinness.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. · 27-08-2019 4:14pm

It was in Cork, to be fair. Saved about six euro after the switch but I won't be drinking it again for a long time.

JohnnyFlash · 27-08-2019 4:27pm

I'm not exactly having a good time of it myself sitting on the throne these days. Was over in Liverpool for the weekend, and drank a frankly frightening amount of Carlsberg after the match on Saturday. There were plenty of reasons to celebrate in fairness: Salah's goal was a real 'I was there' moment; we managed to blag our way in to a free bar afterwards in Anfield, and I've a gamey auld one that I've struck up a casual 'I'm around' sort of relationship with.

Ended up heading back to her place after a massive feed of pints, and got down to business. Wasn't exactly a man of the match performance, but the scouse accent is always great for keeping the wood up. Anyways, woke up about 8am and bounded into the ensuite to unload an oily mix of lager, prawn crackers, and fried chicken. Took about 15 minutes to clean up to be honest, and ended up using a can of her deoderant to clear the 'pong'.

She had the breakfast on for me when I eventually woke back up. Don't know what it is about the english fried breakfast, but it doesn't sit well with me. Those cumberland sausages and fake black pudding aren't worth a curse. Also had two sausage rolls on the train back to Manchester, and said I'd chance a Ryanair panini to accompany my can of Henineken on the flight back.

Pure battery acid since.

Pintman Paddy Losty · 27-08-2019 8:17pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Carlsberg.... massive feed of pints... an oily mix of lager, prawn crackers, and fried chicken...english fried breakfast...cumberland sausages and fake black pudding....two sausage roll... Ryanair panini.... can of Heineken.

Pure battery acid since.

Jaysus christ Johnny... You're a man in his fifties. You're playing fast and loose with your digestive system throwing that mix in to your belly.

Brendan Bendar... Any advice for this chap. That kind of discharge could cause permanent damage to the ring piece I'd imagine.

Brendan Bendar · 27-08-2019 8:31pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Jaysus christ Johnny... You're a man in his fifties. You're playing fast and loose with your digestive system throwing that mix in to your belly.

Brendan Bendar... Any advice for this chap. That kind of discharge could cause permanent damage to the ring piece I'd imagine.

Pat, I’ll be honest, any tosser who visits Liverpool,takes on a cargo of horse piss,and worse still, interferes with some auld tugboat over there, deserves all what he gets.
Bush on her like Mo Salah’s head probably.
Place is full of auld boilers looking for knob and quite frankly John Flash probably got a good dose off that piece of bad meat.

Only advice I will give is just finger the lettuce and keep you Knob well under wraps.

She won’t know the difference anyway, once she gets a good batther up.

Nothing to do with food, hang the helmet in a cup of Dettol (diluted) and it should clear.

(Disclaimer- (Not a medical practitioner)

Hector Savage · 27-08-2019 9:00pm

Pure Gold lads 1!!

Pintman Paddy Losty · 27-08-2019 9:03pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Pat, I’ll be honest, any tosser who visits Liverpool,takes on a cargo of horse piss,and worse still, interferes with some auld tugboat over there, deserves all what he gets.
Bush on her like Mo Salah’s head probably.
Place is full of auld boilers looking for knob and quite frankly John Flash probably got a good dose off that piece of bad meat.

Only advice I will give is just finger the lettuce and keep you Knob well under wraps.

She won’t know the difference anyway, once she gets a good batther up.

Nothing to do with food, hang the helmet in a cup of Dettol (diluted) and it should clear.

(Disclaimer- (Not a medical practitioner)

Might need more than just hanging in the cup brenner. Could be a bottle brush up the japs eye job. Don't want this turning in to a crusting over situation.

gerrybbadd · 27-08-2019 9:37pm

Aye a bottle brush or even a cocktail umbrella up the eye. Scrape all that Scouse badness out

Bullocks · 27-08-2019 10:57pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Aye a bottle brush or even a cocktail umbrella up the eye. Scrape all that Scouse badness out

Would ye chance cleaning it out with a cotton wool earbud instead of giving the doc 50 quid to root at it? I'd say if ye dipped it in sudocream it would help lube it in and disinfect at the same time

Roger Hassenforder · 27-08-2019 11:01pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I'm not exactly having a good time of it myself sitting on the throne these days. Was over in Liverpool for the weekend, and drank a frankly frightening amount of Carlsberg after the match on Saturday. There were plenty of reasons to celebrate in fairness: Salah's goal was a real 'I was there' moment; we managed to blag our way in to a free bar afterwards in Anfield, and I've a gamey auld one that I've struck up a casual 'I'm around' sort of relationship with.

Ended up heading back to her place after a massive feed of pints, and got down to business. Wasn't exactly a man of the match performance, but the scouse accent is always great for keeping the wood up. Anyways, woke up about 8am and bounded into the ensuite to unload an oily mix of lager, prawn crackers, and fried chicken. Took about 15 minutes to clean up to be honest, and ended up using a can of her deoderant to clear the 'pong'.

She had the breakfast on for me when I eventually woke back up. Don't know what it is about the english fried breakfast, but it doesn't sit well with me. Those cumberland sausages and fake black pudding aren't worth a curse. Also had two sausage rolls on the train back to Manchester, and said I'd chance a Ryanair panini to accompany my can of Henineken on the flight back.

Pure battery acid since.

Mother of god, it wasnt too bad until there

Lewis_Benson · 28-08-2019 12:07am

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Jaysus christ Johnny... You're a man in his fifties. You're playing fast and loose with your digestive system throwing that mix in to your belly.

Brendan Bendar... Any advice for this chap. That kind of discharge could cause permanent damage to the ring piece I'd imagine.

I'd say you could plaster with that mess.

Johnny,
Eat a salad man, your gonna need it.

JimmieTwoTimes · 28-08-2019 2:00am

From reading this thread I'm trying to sum up a stereotype appearance for a lad who destroys the jacks in work or in the local pub etc.

I find it's usually a fat bald or grey haired lad aged 50 and over with his diet typically consisting of stout, hobbys nuts and the classical battered cod and chips.

JimmieTwoTimes · 28-08-2019 2:24am

There is a pub I frequent for a fill up on the weekends from time to time. Every time I'm there, a lad in one of the stalls is dying on the jacks, clearly suffering in what I can only compare to our lord's crucifixion. The overload of stout has set this man's rear end on a crusade to punish him for his sins by unleashing a storm of brown gravy upon him. The cries of "help me" and "Oh god" can be heard from the toilet stall as he pours his lumpy brown concrete into the pipe works. And it's always the same stall he is in, the one furthest to the left. God help us all.

padd b1975 · 28-08-2019 4:24pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Might need more than just hanging in the cup brenner. Could be a bottle brush up the japs eye job. Don't want this turning in to a crusting over situation.

An old shaving brush is your man there Pàdraig.

Very soft to the point of sensuous.

Brendan Bendar · 28-08-2019 5:27pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

An old shaving brush is your man there Pàdraig.

Very soft to the point of sensuous.

Too soft Padd, not enough ‘rod’.

Could tickle the glans, but for the subject under discussion, a clogged Japs eye , fuhherke all use.

We are talking cheddar here not Philly.

Crusty stuff.

tgdaly · 29-08-2019 8:55am

What's the etiquette regarding changing the bog roll lads? My standard rule is that if I don't think there's enough left to give my hole a good clean, I'll change it, regardless of whether I've just gone or not. And always leave at least one extra emergency roll adjacent in case you get stranded in no man's land. I think it's an unwritten rule, nobody wants to be left stranded having to stand up and waddle over to were the spare loo roll is kept with a hot fudge sundae wedged between the cheeks.

I live with the missus and some of her family, and I swear they all have a habit of breaking the above rules, at least once a day I see this occurring without fail. It must be genetic trait or something, one of these days somebody is going to get hurt!

Roger Hassenforder · 29-08-2019 9:43am

tgdaly wrote: »

What's the etiquette regarding changing the bog roll lads? My standard rule is that if I don't think there's enough left to give my hole a good clean, I'll change it, regardless of whether I've just gone or not. And always leave at least one extra emergency roll adjacent in case you get stranded in no man's land. I think it's an unwritten rule, nobody wants to be left stranded having to stand up and waddle over to were the spare loo roll is kept with a hot fudge sundae wedged between the cheeks.

I live with the missus and some of her family, and I swear they all have a habit of breaking the above rules, at least once a day I see this occurring without fail. It must be genetic trait or something, one of these days somebody is going to get hurt!

There was i thinking FML...

tgdaly · 29-08-2019 11:09am

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

There was i thinking FML...

Ah it's not that bad, only the grandparents, I think I made it sound like it was the whole lot of them! Good thing it isn't, they'd never keep a roll of paper on the dispenser

EmmetSpiceland · 29-08-2019 12:04pm

The only time I feel truly at “peace” is when there’s a 24 roll pack under the stairs, 3 rolls in each bathroom, and a full tank of petrol in the car.

armaghlad · 29-08-2019 3:10pm

JimmieTwoTimes wrote: »

From reading this thread I'm trying to sum up a stereotype appearance for a lad who destroys the jacks in work or in the local pub etc.

I find it's usually a fat bald or grey haired lad aged 50 and over with his diet typically consisting of stout, hobbys nuts and the classical battered cod and chips.

A bit like paedos, you can’t always tell. I’d say we have an eclectic mix spanning generations, class and occupations. From the ungentlemanly street urchin in his gola trainers to the slick bmw drinking sales exec complete with sh*t moustache; anyone could be leaving their fecal legacy for all to suffer. Shameless cretins the lot of them

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. · 29-08-2019 3:38pm

I notice that that revolting congenital-failure who pushes turds down the sinkhole in Spain is looking for advice on preparing prawns for a dinner party. Sick world we live in.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. · 29-08-2019 3:51pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The only time I feel truly at “peace” is when there’s a 24 roll pack under the stairs, 3 rolls in each bathroom, and a full tank of petrol in the car.

Andrex Emmet? Tesco Luxury Soft? I love a 24 spot myself.

29-08-2019 3:53pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I notice that that revolting congenital-failure who pushes turds down the sinkhole in Spain is looking for advice on preparing prawns for a dinner party. Sick world we live in.

Tempted to ask on his thread if he got the plumber around to sort out his "problem".

Brendan Bendar · 29-08-2019 3:53pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I notice that that revolting congenital-failure who pushes turds down the sinkhole in Spain is looking for advice on preparing prawns for a dinner party. Sick world we live in.

Who are we talking about here?

Deebles McBeebles · 29-08-2019 3:54pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I notice that that revolting congenital-failure who pushes turds down the sinkhole in Spain is looking for advice on preparing prawns for a dinner party. Sick world we live in.

Probably putting them on little skewers and telling his guests to try them with his home-made gackamole.

I wonder if he used the same tupperware container in his meal prep, the dirt.

tgdaly · 29-08-2019 4:32pm

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I notice that that revolting congenital-failure who pushes turds down the sinkhole in Spain is looking for advice on preparing prawns for a dinner party. Sick world we live in.

It gets worse, he was also considering serving them "muller rice" for dessert. God knows what he'd do to it

29-08-2019 5:26pm

What's the etiquette if his throne is still out of order, would the guests have to use the one "potty" or will he provide individual ones for everyone? Will he mash everybody's turds down his putrid kitchen sink or will his esteemed guests have to bring their own "Tupperware" to bring their midden home to be disposed of there?
Important questions which need awnsers.

EmmetSpiceland · 29-08-2019 5:41pm

Gentlemen, and ladies, please. For better, or for worse, we are “turning” on one of our “own”.

That is not in the “spirit” of the thread. I would hope that posts of mine, or any of our “contributors”, from other threads will not be dragged in here only to mocked and my character pilloried.

Let us not forget why we are here.

29-08-2019 5:47pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, and ladies, please. For better, or for worse, we are “turning” on one of our “own”.

That is not in the “spirit” of the thread. I would hope that posts of mine, or any of our “contributors”, from other threads will not be dragged in here only to mocked and my character pilloried.

Let us not forget why we are here.

In fairness Emmet, asking people round for seafood prepared in a kitchen that has been "abused" as described in this thread is a massive breach of all kinds of etiquette. It's only right and proper that such breaches of common decency are called out.

Brendan Bendar · 29-08-2019 5:48pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, and ladies, please. For better, or for worse, we are “turning” on one of our “own”.

That is not in the “spirit” of the thread. I would hope that posts of mine, or any of our “contributors”, from other threads will not be dragged in here only to mocked and my character pilloried.

Let us not forget why we are here.

Good call E.

Just sluicing a nicely marbled and ribbed batôn into the Stygian darkness of the S bend.

Would expect that the muzzle would just need a bit of a dab of a rosette of K-soft.

Yes, just some fine tracery and a small ‘splodge’ on one side.

Up with the jocks, strides, wash hands.....and aaaaaawaaaaay.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments