The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 03-12-2018 10:06pm

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the toilet

The foreman told him he was crazy by the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building.

He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off the edge.

He also told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom.

So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death.

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened.

Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex.

The coroner said, Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?

The electrician replied, I saw the man falling with his co*k in his hand screaming,

Where did that co*ksucker go.

castletownman · 03-12-2018 10:54pm

Which one of the Spice Girls can carry the most petrol?

Geri can

Ted_YNWA · 04-12-2018 9:43am

My wife and I watched 3 films back to back last night.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 2:43pm

My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.

Edgware · 04-12-2018 2:46pm

castletownman wrote: »

Which one of the Spice Girls can carry the most petrol?

Geri can

I'd give her a load to carry anytime

chewed · 04-12-2018 3:18pm

Did you hear that they're doing a Sade musical?

Apparently it's a smooth operetta.

Salvation Tambourine · 04-12-2018 3:20pm

I've been struggling to come up with a word to define a period of 24 hours...ah, I think I'll just call it a day.

BENDYBINN · 04-12-2018 4:11pm

Did you hear about the iPhone that committed murder?......It was brought to the garda station and charged .

BENDYBINN · 04-12-2018 5:33pm

Hear about the man who brought Aer Lingus to court for damaging his luggage?
His case was thrown out.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 6:15pm

I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear was broken.

There’s no going back now.

04-12-2018 6:16pm

BENDYBINN wrote: »

Did you hear about the iPhone that committed murder?......It was brought to the garda station and charged .

His accomplice, Nokia was charged a week later. :P

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 6:17pm

What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?

The latter.

BENDYBINN · 04-12-2018 6:19pm

Deleted User wrote: »

His accomplice, Nokia was charged a week later. :P

Assault and battery?

blade1 · 04-12-2018 6:56pm

BENDYBINN wrote: »

Assault and battery?

It was a peanut that was assaulted!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 9:14pm

Toward the end of the service, the priest asked, How many of you have forgiven your enemies?

80% held up their hands.

The priest then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except for one small elderly lady.

Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

I don't have any, she replied, smiling sweetly.

Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.

How old are you asks the priest?

Ninety-eight, she replied.

Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?

The little sweetheart of a lady toddled down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

I outlived the bitches.

M.T. Cranium · 04-12-2018 9:53pm

If February was a snowflake, it would sue for not having as many days as all the other months (sob).

Capt'n Midnight · 04-12-2018 10:07pm

Back in the day an old IRA man goes to confession:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I was sabotaging railway tracks to cause chaos."

"My son, for your penance I want you to do the stations..."

Capt'n Midnight · 04-12-2018 10:10pm

#I'm dreaming of a white Christmas#.

But if the white runs out I'll drink the red

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-12-2018 10:24pm

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, Bill, I want you to
promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.

And what his friend asked do you want me to do with your ashes?

The businessman said, Just put them in an envelope and post them to the Inland Revenue Office.

Write on the envelope,

Now, you have everything.

byrner88 · 05-12-2018 1:39am

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

Purple Mountain · 05-12-2018 2:47am

^ TL;DR :P

Ipso · 05-12-2018 2:54am

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs?
At Jason’s Donervan

M.T. Cranium · 05-12-2018 4:38am

Two climate scientists met, fell in love, and wanted a church wedding.

The minister asked, as is the custom, "if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

I have two totally different punch lines for this ...

Paddy and Seamus (here we go) for some reason had an invite. Paddy asked Seamus in a low voice, "forever hold my piece? what's that going to accomplish to help their marriage work out?"

then ...

...one of their climate science colleagues stood up. "I saw them having a mild verbal disagreement in a cafe two weeks ago. From this, I calculate that they will kill each other within five years. But there is a solution. If we each put a hundred euros in a hat, their behaviour will be much better."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 05-12-2018 7:03pm

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

Oh, please excuse me said the bunny.I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.

That's perfectly all right, replied the snake.To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?

Well, I really don't know, said the bunny. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a twitchy nose.

You must be a bunny rabbit.

Then he said, I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said,

Well, what kind of an animal am I?

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied,

You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls.

You must be a lawyer.

7 Seconds... · 05-12-2018 10:32pm

A Young man named Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend named Maggie. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long but she lived quite a distance away in up in Scotland. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic of course and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrod's and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself in Harrod's at the same time. Harrod's had a free gift wrap offer on at the time but, the assistant accidentally mixed up the two presents. His sister mistakenly got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash them since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love, Chris. x x x

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 06-12-2018 9:22am

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…

But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either

everlast75 · 06-12-2018 11:51am

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

everlast75 · 06-12-2018 11:51am

I got a rejection letter from the origami university today.

I’m not sure what to make of it.

everlast75 · 06-12-2018 11:51am

My son says he hates alphabet soup, though he's never even tried it.

Well he’s going to eat his words...

M.T. Cranium · 06-12-2018 7:07pm

I wanted to date this Japanese beauty, but she said take a haiku.

So then I asked this middle eastern woman where she was from, and she said "Oman." So I said, "there's no need to take offense, just curious. How about your friend, where's she from?" The answer was "Kuwait." So then I said, "no, sorry, I have to catch a flight, maybe you'll remember though."

Was on holiday in Wales, got off a train, by the time I read the name of the station, it was time to board the next one.

There was once a religion based solely on the worship of square numbers. It was so pervasive, the hymn books were numbered 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, etc ... but eventually, a group split off and began to worship cubed numbers. They thought themselves quite superior and looked down on the square number people. One day, one of them asked why they had this attitude, wasn't it all really about the same? "Oh no," said one of the cube worshippers, "we believe in a Higher Power."

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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