What's the etiquette here??

Voodoomelon · 26-06-2020 9:35pm

You'd think after 36 years i'd have grown up a little, but the thoughts of a maintenance man coming across a pile of scutter in the corner of their carpark, accompanied by a rancid cack-covered sock has me in stitches!

EmmetSpiceland · 26-06-2020 9:39pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

You'd think after 36 years i'd have grown up a little, but the thoughts of a maintenance man coming across a pile of scutter in the corner of their carpark, accompanied by a rancid cack-covered sock has me in stitches!

Unfortunately, it will be seen as something left by a “disgruntled” former employee or, more likely, an act of faeco-terrorism.

Perhaps a note explaining what happened, right down to the sock, should have been left with the mess.

JohnnyFlash · 26-06-2020 9:46pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Unfortunately, it will be seen as something left by a “disgruntled” former employee or, more likely, an act of faeco-terrorism.

Perhaps a note explaining what happened, right down to the sock, should have been left with the mess.

Considering the incident took place in Northern Ireland there will probably be accusations in Stormont that ‘them uns’ did it. Might put the peace process in jeopardy.

fuerte1976 · 26-06-2020 9:56pm

You appear fierce alert and coherent Flash after you're intensive porter intake from last night..

JohnnyFlash · 26-06-2020 10:06pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

You appear fierce alert and coherent Flash after you're intensive porter intake from last night..

Had 8 sausages, half a ring of black pudding, 2 fried eggs, 4 slices of toast, and a pint of tea for the breakfast. Then a good solid (thankfully) shïte, a vigorous act of ‘self love’, and back to sleep for 3 hours. Right as rain since.

fuerte1976 · 26-06-2020 10:07pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Had 8 sausages, half a ring of black pudding, 2 fried eggs, 4 slices of toast, and a pint of tea for the breakfast. Then a good solid (thankfully) shïte, a vigorous act of ‘self love’, and back to sleep for 3 hours. Right as rain since.

A magnificent 24 hours so!

26-06-2020 10:14pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Inside and out? A brave man. I’d take the outside, dirty, part over the inside, potentially fungal, part.

I think I’d use both socks before using one “inside and out”, you’d just end up soiling your hand.

For some reason, I’d use the elastic last. I’m not sure it would be good for the early “stages” of the cleaning and, I’d worry, it could be, well, unpredictable.

Look, I know I'm the one who took a shit in a carpark in broad daylight, and then put it on the internet, but your scatalogical inquiries are giving me unwanted flashbacks. I don't particularly remember whether I used the interior of my sock at all, I don't think so.

The outcome had been a solid, heavy, ponderous turd on account of my high-fibre diet, a habit that I happen to be very proud of. There wasn't a lot of cleaning-up. Like I said, these details are not particularly vivid. My main priority at the time was avoiding arrest.

Class MayDresser · 28-06-2020 10:40am

Just to put a positive spin on it ATNM if you were caught in the states you could have been shot instead of arrested!
Just getting rid of a few scuttery remnants of a Madras I had yesterday evening, feels like shards of glass down there! Prep H missile incoming. Might run a cold bath or hover over the deep freeze for a while.

Brendan Bendar · 28-06-2020 2:23pm

This poster will be very happy with the fact that the pubs will be open tomorrow.

Was holding a fairly girthy ‘baton round’ on the clutch as I walked briskly to an important business meeting in London recently.

Was a tad concerned for the ‘good Armani’ but relaxed a bit when I spotted ‘The Packhorse and Talbot’ in the distance.

There’s me man I muttered as I eased the clutch back a bit.

Fcuking log ‘bit’ immediately and the load shifted south

Turned out the place was closed but to cut a long story short I got lucky.

There were lads renovating and I reacted on my feet.

‘Safety assessor lads, is the gaffer in’. “Upstairs guv past the lavvies “

In ...trap one.... sluiced a fcuking log like a baby’s arm into the pot.

No need for cleaning the hoop was still flapping, out and away.

Hope the incoming Govt. are as good as that thinking on their feet.

JohnnyFlash · 28-06-2020 3:24pm

Was in Aldi yesterday to pick up some of those lovely dry-aged rib-eye steaks they have. Anyways they had 12 pint bottles of Guinness Original Stout for 24 euros so I picked up a crate of that as well.

The intention was to only have a few, but I landed a lovely double in the Curragh so ended up polishing them all off. Hadn’t drank it in 20 years. Lovely stuff. Was fairly cross-eyed from drink going to bed.

Absolutely horrific farts all morning. Really dense, cloying, and with a slightly mushroom and boiled cabbage bang off them.

Hit the pan about an hour ago, and there is no good news story to tell you. Extremely loose, very rapid discharge, large quantities, huge amount of complex brushwork and paperwork required. Ended up using half a can of Neutradol to shift the fücking smell of pure arse evil that enveloped the room and had started seeping out into the bedroom.

Lewis_Benson · 28-06-2020 7:15pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Was in Aldi yesterday to pick up some of those lovely dry-aged rib-eye steaks they have. Anyways they had 12 pint bottles of Guinness Original Stout for 24 euros so I picked up a crate of that as well.

The intention was to only have a few, but I landed a lovely double in the Curragh so ended up polishing them all off. Hadn’t drank it in 20 years. Lovely stuff. Was fairly cross-eyed from drink going to bed.

Absolutely horrific farts all morning. Really dense, cloying, and with a slightly mushroom and boiled cabbage bang off them.

Hit the pan about an hour ago, and there is no good news story to tell you. Extremely loose, very rapid discharge, large quantities, huge amount of complex brushwork and paperwork required. Ended up using half a can of Neutradol to shift the fücking smell of pure arse evil that enveloped the room and had started seeping out into the bedroom.

The origional stout knocks the shyte out of the watery cans of "Draught".

28-06-2020 9:49pm

https://www.reddit.com/r/ireland/comments/hhbw40/the_day_after_a_feed_of_guinness_after_the_pubs/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Any of the regular contributors here on reddit? Some posts there are worthy of this esteemed chamber.

Geuze · 28-06-2020 11:26pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Was in Aldi yesterday ..... they had 12 pint bottles of Guinness Original Stout for 24 euros so I picked up a crate of that as well.

Hit the pan about an hour ago, and there is no good news story to tell you. Extremely loose, very rapid discharge, large quantities, huge amount of complex brushwork and paperwork required.

Aldi are selling Extra Stout, 2 euro for 50cl, lovely.

I thought beer leads to more solid stools?

Maybe I'm wrong?

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/does-alcohol-make-you-poop#:~:text=Alcohol%20is%20a%20gastrointestinal%20irritant,softer%20stools%2C%E2%80%9D%20she%20says.

JohnnyFlash · 28-06-2020 11:37pm

Geuze wrote: »

Aldi are selling Extra Stout, 2 euro for 50cl, lovely.

I thought beer leads to more solid stools?

Maybe I'm wrong?

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/does-alcohol-make-you-poop#:~:text=Alcohol%20is%20a%20gastrointestinal%20irritant,softer%20stools%2C%E2%80%9D%20she%20says.

Heavy Guinness consumption leads to soft, dark, mushy shïtes that smell like a dead badger, botulism, and musty carpets. Fûcking dreadful.

Herself has put me in a spare bedroom for the night such is the quantity and viciousness of my farting. I’ve farted hundreds of times today. It was like the finale of the 1812 overture there for a time after the dinner.

armaghlad · 29-06-2020 1:04am

I tried one of those gimpy IPAs that every pretentious alternative/woke/hipster under the sun seems to be drinking these days. Absolute piss. Anyhoo ONE lukewarm tin is all I had and the farts coming out of me the next day were absolutely pungent, not too dissimilar to rotten fruit mixed with burnt rubber. I dread to think how a feed of this dishwater would affect a man’s excretory tract.

Lewis_Benson · 29-06-2020 10:41am

armaghlad wrote: »

I tried one of those gimpy IPAs that every pretentious alternative/woke/hipster under the sun seems to be drinking these days. Absolute piss. Anyhoo ONE lukewarm tin is all I had and the farts coming out of me the next day were absolutely pungent, not too dissimilar to rotten fruit mixed with burnt rubber. I dread to think how a feed of this dishwater would affect a man’s excretory tract.

Love a good IPA.
What the hell were you doing drinking it warm lad?
Into the fridge for a few hours before drinking.

Did no one ever show you how to chill a beer?
No wonder your gases would knock out a sewer worker, I'd say you don't know how to cook a decent meal for yourself.
Chilling beer is drinking 101 man.

armaghlad · 29-06-2020 11:00am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Love a good IPA.
What the hell were you doing drinking it warm lad?
Into the fridge for a few hours before drinking.

Did no one ever show you how to chill a beer?
No wonder your gases would knock out a sewer worker, I'd say you don't know how to cook a decent meal for yourself.
Chilling beer is drinking 101 man.

Wasn’t mine chap, my terrible host offered it to me. You know you can make your own IPA at home? Just mix some mi wadi and vinegar into out of date smithwicks and voila

Lewis_Benson · 29-06-2020 11:26am

armaghlad wrote: »

Wasn’t mine chap, my terrible host offered it to me. You know you can make your own IPA at home? Just mix some mi wadi and vinegar into out of date smithwicks and voila

I'm afraid that would taste awful dude.
You'll be firing out some scutter after that I can garuntee, call the shyte boys down at the waterworks before you unload that will you, its the decent thing to do.

I do however make my own IPA at home using a brew kit, have a brewed a few fine ales I must say.
I'm overdue a brew now actually.
Having just moved home, I may buy a 2nd keg and get 2 going.

EmmetSpiceland · 29-06-2020 11:33am

armaghlad wrote: »

You know you can make your own IPA at home? Just mix some mi wadi and vinegar into out of date smithwicks and voila

You forgot the tea bag.

Lewis_Benson · 29-06-2020 11:38am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You forgot the tea bag.

Christ, I'd say even Shane McGowan wouldn't drink that.

gerrybbadd · 29-06-2020 12:35pm

Gonna be a "big" day today lads, I can feel it, deep down in my loins.

Saturday night, rang up Ali for one of his finest. Lamb Biryani, spicy curry sauce, king prawn butterfly, veg rolls and a COG naan. Immense feed to see out the night.

Then yesterday, a BBQ - in spite of a fúcking storm blowing outside. We're talking pork ribs with a spicy/sweet dry rub (2 huge thick racks) wings, drumsticks, thighs in buttermilk and sriracha, hot dogs made with kielbasa slaska & Tesco's finest thick hiney & mustard sausages, burgers, and to top it all off, a smoked pork belly, done low and slow. And of course, mac and cheese with candied bacon, egg salad, potato salad, and all the acoutrements

The Lord Blessus & indeed, Save us. The guests were wondering what was wrong with the floor last night, with my comments of "awful squeak in that floorboard there" to try and cover for the farts that were being produced.

How the duvet didn't achieve the Phileas Fog with all the hot air being produced last night, I'll never know...

Class MayDresser · 29-06-2020 12:36pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Christ, I'd say even Shane McGowan wouldn't drink that.

Nothing he couldn't inject though to be fair.

fuerte1976 · 29-06-2020 1:59pm

Talk to Joe has some dude complaining about a monster sh1te he found steaming in his underground carpark space..

Sound familiar?

sligojoek · 29-06-2020 3:57pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Talk to Joe has some dude complaining about a monster sh1te he found steaming in his underground carpark space..

Sound familiar?

Was he a "Nordie"?

Bobblehats · 29-06-2020 5:23pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Talk to Joe has some dude complaining about a monster sh1te he found steaming in his underground carpark space..

Sound familiar?

Was that the one the Gardaí made him take off his jumper and mop it up?

Hotblack Desiato · 29-06-2020 7:20pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Considering the incident took place in Northern Ireland there will probably be accusations in Stormont that ‘them uns’ did it. Might put the peace process in jeopardy.

Well at least he didn't smear it on the wall

(or did he?)

fuerte1976 · 29-06-2020 8:34pm

Bobblehats wrote: »

Was that the one the Gardaí made him take off his jumper and mop it up?

No, t'was another moaning f(ku on about a mess he discovered and was appalled with.

No sympathy for the poor individual that had to deliver the goods in a hurry ffs..

fuerte1976 · 29-06-2020 8:34pm

sligojoek wrote: »

Was he a "Nordie"?

Nah, sounded like a D4 gimp that had paid a fortune for the parking space..
He must have had a bad dose of ire to be moaning the way he was..

padd b1975 · 30-06-2020 7:40am

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Talk to Joe has some dude complaining about a monster sh1te he found steaming in his underground carpark space..

Sound familiar?

Should have been a complete non story.

Back in the day any council man worth his salt would be able to scoop her up with a single jab of the shovel, quick squirt of disinfectant and back into the hut before the kettle had boiled.

These days you're probably talking risk assessments, inspections, union interventions, engineers reports, multi level debriefs etc etc.

Brendan Bendar · 30-06-2020 12:33pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Should have been a complete non story.

Back in the day any council man worth his salt would be able to scoop her up with a single jab of the shovel, quick squirt of disinfectant and back into the hut before the kettle had boiled.

These days you're probably talking risk assessments, inspections, union interventions, engineers reports, multi level debriefs etc etc.

And making sure that ‘councelling’ was available to the ‘shovel operative’

Scooping that lot would merit at least a month off to ‘recover’.

sligojoek · 30-06-2020 12:36pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

And making sure that ‘councelling’ was available to the ‘shovel operative’

Scooping that lot would merit at least a month off to ‘recover’.

Post Turdal Stress Disorder.

Brendan Bendar · 30-06-2020 1:20pm

sligojoek wrote: »

Post Turdal Stress Disorder.

Known colloquially as ‘Shovel Shïte Syndrome’.

NeinNeinNein · 30-06-2020 4:51pm

Instead of ringing a spoofer, that gobsh1te should have looked at the situation as a test of his driving skills. Reversing into a 'compromised' parking space without getting the Firestones contaminated is not as easy as it sounds. Might become part of the driving test one day, nervous learners could be asked to donate the turd thus saving us all a few bob in the difficult times ahead. Arseterity measures, you might say.

Nevin Parsnipp · 01-07-2020 8:19am

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Instead of ringing a spoofer, that gobsh1te should have looked at the situation as a test of his driving skills. Reversing into a 'compromised' parking space without getting the Firestones contaminated is not as easy as it sounds. Might become part of the driving test one day, nervous learners could be asked to donate the turd thus saving us all a few bob in the difficult times ahead. Arseterity measures, you might say.

Some Dudes from this parish could set up a nice little cottage industry on this basis.

Supplying sh1te for driving tests.......

"Johnny...could you injest a few batter burgers and a lock of pints this eve...we need a spattery one in the car park tomorrow for an advanced driver test" ??

"Brendan we need a few soft chubbs at the end of the cul-de-sac on Tuesday...bulk up on the fibre there will you" ??

"Losty ..run up the laneway there and take a p1ss...no guards around ...bring the good cashmere gansy"

Be happy to act act as manager of the group if required...

Hector Savage · 03-07-2020 10:49am

Lately my guts have been churning away, don't know what the hell is going on, I didn't eat anything weird afaik.
My 4 year old son had something similar last week that lasted for some days, maybe I picked it up from him.

Anyway not too bothersome, but when I go for a ****e lately it's like taking a piss ... a constant stream of liquid coffee like midden just pouring out of my arsehole - not violently, just like you are slowly pouring a kettle of t'water into the pan - from a height.

Yesterday morning it must have been 20 seconds of pouring, the fhurking STATE of the water in the bowl after, like a pebbly concoction of cheap coffee - and the fent knocked out the neighbours pit bull.

Happy to flush that rancid slurry away, let the scientists in the sewar examine it for the Covid.

Imagine the fhuckers down there taking samples, I imagine some German lad in a hazmat suit scooping this vile brown liquid into a test tube and taking a full deep inhale sniff about 1 inch from the tube ...... jaysus...

Hotblack Desiato · 03-07-2020 2:11pm

Oh, I used to dream of pissing out of my arse...

For weeks now it's been "standing on a toothpaste tube" syndrome. I mean, liquid I can handle, solid (oh, how I fondly remember you) I can handle, but this stuff is just endless wipe. Pain in the arse to be honest

gerrybbadd · 03-07-2020 3:19pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Oh, I used to dream of pissing out of my arse...

For weeks now it's been "standing on a toothpaste tube" syndrome. I mean, liquid I can handle, solid (oh, how I fondly remember you) I can handle, but this stuff is just endless wipe. Pain in the arse to be honest

Believe me, from a fella pissing out of his arse for the past 6 months, its no barrel of laughs either.

That being said, since i've embarked upon this diet, things have taken a turn for the solid. We aren't at "nutty log" stage yet, but getting there. For me, I dream of the day of leaving King Kong's finger in the bowl once again. No greater sense of pride than leaving a Hippo's leg sticking 5 inches above the water line, waving a white flag of toilet paper within in a truck stop toilet

Hand in Your Pants · 03-07-2020 5:10pm

Was friends with a German fellah many years ago. Rather cerebral and overly-serious as Germans often are, but with a sprinkling of madness in him too. Would often get the notion out of the blue and in public to climb trees, flagpoles, fences, or hop up on concrete bollards, and pop down his shorts or running pants just enough to squeeze out a tiny little turd from a height. Wasn't there for it but was told he shat off a diving board in Tenerife once. He'd be about 60 now.

Brendan Bendar · 03-07-2020 7:50pm

Hand in Your Pants wrote: »

Was friends with a German fellah many years ago. Rather cerebral and overly-serious as Germans often are, but with a sprinkling of madness in him too. Would often get the notion out of the blue and in public to climb trees, flagpoles, fences, or hop up on concrete bollards, and pop down his shorts or running pants just enough to squeeze out a tiny little turd from a height. Wasn't there for it but was told he shat off a diving board in Tenerife once. He'd be about 60 now.

Nah, say he’d be dead carrying on with that.

Probably fell backwards off the Petronas Towers bunting out a slippery loaf.

JohnnyFlash · 04-07-2020 7:16pm

Probably shouldn’t have considering the fallout from imbibing a dozen of them weekend, but picked up another box of these this evening down in Aldi.

04-07-2020 8:02pm

Post bbq food coma in progress here, massive ribeye steaks, two burgers and a load of sausages and spicy wedges. The lads at the shît farm better be on alert first thing tomorrow, its going to be carnage.

Hand in Your Pants · 04-07-2020 8:08pm

Lovely stuff. I'd say your trunks will be dark and lively come morning too.

Brendan Bendar · 04-07-2020 9:10pm

Like someone walked a kilo of blown mince into them.?

Slideways · 04-07-2020 10:18pm

I think I have achieved peak pooping paradise last night. Like the guys who travel to South America to take ayahuasca and come back enlightened.

In the door from work and felt the rap-tap-atap of an urgent Donald Trump.

Sat down, no pushing, just release the hoop and the smoothest turd just slipped out. Was of average girth but holy Jaysus she was long. No splash whatsoever as it bridged the gap between arsehole and water easily. There she was smooth as an egg and lying just proud of the water. One wipe and barely marked the paper.

Felt like a million dollars after

JohnnyFlash · 04-07-2020 10:29pm

Slideways wrote: »

I think I have achieved peak pooping paradise last night. Like the guys who travel to South America to take ayahuasca and come back enlightened.

In the door from work and felt the rap-tap-atap of an urgent Donald Trump.

Sat down, no pushing, just release the hoop and the smoothest turd just slipped out. Was of average girth but holy Jaysus she was long. No splash whatsoever as it bridged the gap between arsehole and water easily. There she was smooth as an egg and lying just proud of the water. One wipe and barely marked the paper.

Felt like a million dollars after

I'd say you gave the missus a right good rattle last night after that, Slidey. Going at it like it would be your last time doing it.

Geuze · 05-07-2020 12:03am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Probably shouldn’t have considering the fallout from imbibing a dozen of them weekend, but picked up another box of these this evening down in Aldi.

Christ you have a put a lip on me, I recall your earlier post, and I had promised myself to go to Aldi.

568ml, not 500ml, even better!!!

I didn't realise 568ml were sold outside pubs.

Maybe excess stock due to COVID pub closures?

The wife is away at the moment, and although I have drank for the past three nights, I think I know what I'll be having tomorrow night.

Given the theme of this discussion, I will mention that I suffer from a minor medical condition that afflicts my anus. This condition may be exacerbated by excessive consumption of beer, I find. However, I will soldier on, as this beer is so nice.

Brendan Bendar · 05-07-2020 8:06am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I'd say you gave the missus a right good rattle last night after that, Slidey. Going at it like it would be your last time doing it.

Banging like a belt-fed mortar, is my guess John.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater · 05-07-2020 8:33am

Slideways wrote: »

I think I have achieved peak pooping paradise last night. Like the guys who travel to South America to take ayahuasca and come back enlightened.

In the door from work and felt the rap-tap-atap of an urgent Donald Trump.

Sat down, no pushing, just release the hoop and the smoothest turd just slipped out. Was of average girth but holy Jaysus she was long. No splash whatsoever as it bridged the gap between arsehole and water easily. There she was smooth as an egg and lying just proud of the water. One wipe and barely marked the paper.

Felt like a million dollars after

Hand in Your Pants · 05-07-2020 9:02am

Morning folks. Bit of a sticky hole this morning. Have not made any deposits but decided to give it a wipe and came away with brown. Feels like a chocolate button that's been left out in the sun for a a while.

Brendan Bendar · 05-07-2020 9:04am

Hand in Your Pants wrote: »

Morning folks. Bit of a sticky hole this morning. Have not made any deposits but decided to give it a wipe and came away with brown. Feels like a chocolate button that's been left out in the sun for a a while.

Leave the ‘big’ plug out for around a week, pal.

She’ll return to normal.

What's the etiquette here??

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