What's the etiquette here??

NeinNeinNein

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Stuck in work this bank holiday Monday. The cleaner is off and the traps are a grim place to be when all the lads who were out all weekend have spent the morning defiling them. Company time was brief this morning.

How grim are we talking?

NeinNeinNein

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

How grim are we talking?

Trainspotting.

KWAG2019

AH is back.

Hector Savage

Was just thinking this morning in the lift what would happen if it got stuck ?
The lifts in my building are a bit dodgy and some people have been stuck in there for about 30mins ...
Now some mornings I'm going in heavy as they say and rely on a trip to the traps as soon as I leave my jacket and bag at my desk.

It's literally one of my worst embarrassing nightmare scenarios to be stuck in a lift with 3 others and having a turtles head poking, I mean it must happen now and then ?

It would literally be a job leaving situation, like sick the next day and out job hunting immediately.

When it's really bad I usually take the stairs, we are on the 5th floor but I won't take any chances ...

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

Was just thinking this morning in the lift what would happen if it got stuck ?
The lifts in my building are a bit dodgy and some people have been stuck in there for about 30mins ...
Now some mornings I'm going in heavy as they say and rely on a trip to the traps as soon as I leave my jacket and bag at my desk.

It's literally one of my worst embarrassing nightmare scenarios to be stuck in a lift with 3 others and having a turtles head poking, I mean it must happen now and then ?

It would literally be a job leaving situation, like sick the next day and out job hunting immediately.

When it's really bad I usually take the stairs, we are on the 5th floor but I won't take any chances ...

Back in the day, no lad ventured out with a trusty duffle bag.

Get caught, stand her up, loosen the cord,assume the position, and ream out your guts into its ample volume.

Nearest municipal unit, in she goes, replace at about two to three Euro.

If you are hard up like her with a plastic bag, remove,and lob it into a hedge or sommit.

No big deal.

NeinNeinNein

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Back in the day, no lad ventured out with a trusty duffle bag.

Get caught, stand her up, loosen the cord,assume the position, and ream out your guts into its ample volume.

Nearest municipal unit, in she goes, replace at about two to three Euro.

If you are hard up like her with a plastic bag, remove,and lob it into a hedge or sommit.

No big deal.

The good old days when you could take your chances without CCTV on every corner and up every laneway.

There were no pocket phones let alone camera ones.

Come to think of it, the much missed public telephone box doubled as a convenient latrine.

Sometimes progress is a torturous road.

EmmetSpiceland

I was ensconced in a 5 star hotel down in Cork there at the weekend and I have to say that I was very disappointed with the “facilities”.

Obviously, they looked great. Big bath, big shower space and generous separate toilet cubicle. My issue was with the “commode” itself. It was one of those bowls that doesn’t have a base, some sort of cantilever type. Found it worrying, to say the least.

The next problem was the height of the bowl. It was higher than, what I would consider, normal. I’m not sure what the deal was but I found the posture detrimental to the ergonomics of having a “good” shíte.

As some of you are aware, I had an incident recently where I suffered a “slight” tear due to an oversized “movement”. Don’t worry, everything seems to have healed up but I’m hesitant to give too much of a “push”. In this situation, once things started moving giving that extra shove was difficult, to say the least.

Now, I should say I was feeling the effects of a fairly “wicked” hangover and I had loaded up on the beef at dinner, didn’t bother too much with the veg. The offer of a third serving was too good to turn down. So maybe that might have had something to do with it.

The log, itself, wasn’t too wide but it was long. I’d say three, maybe four, inches were “out” before it just stopped. I’ve never had that before. I didn’t want to engage the “cigar cutter” because I’d already showered so I was just stuck there, a little too high to, comfortably, give a proper good push.

I now know why they have that “squatting” setup in other parts of the world. The only way I could get the rest of the turd out was to sort arch myself forward so I could hunch my knees a little and tense the stomach muscles which allowed for sufficient pressure to extend downward forcing it it and landing it on the front, piss, shelf.

Yes, it did cause a big stink. The water really doesn’t get enough credit in a toilet bowl. Thankfully, the cleanup was minimal and the flush did the mess away without too much “streaking” but it all put me in a bit of a mood then for the day. Obviously, I could blame that on the booze without having to explain to anyone the “difficulty” I’d had.

Just watch out for those weird, “wall-mounted”, toilets. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Sharp MZ700

It's instances like that where interior designers really fail to marry practicum and style. There you are in a 5 star establishment, sipping fine whiskey and enjoying old school jazz in esteemed company knowing you can really cut loose later in bespoke surroundings only to happen on a cantilevered contraption all out of kilter with natural bracing positions handed down generations by learned folk.
It's enough to make one drop one's monocle.

sligojoek

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

It's instances like that where interior designers really fail to marry practicum and style. There you are in a 5 star establishment, sipping fine whiskey and enjoying old school jazz in esteemed company knowing you can really cut loose later in bespoke surroundings only to happen on a cantilevered contraption all out of kilter with natural bracing positions handed down generations by learned folk.
It's enough to make one drop one's monocle.

Careful you don't drop it down the potty.

Sharp MZ700

sligojoek wrote: »

Careful you don't drop it down the potty.

Chocolate Eye I think it's called.

taytobreath

tgdaly wrote: »

Awful experience in Tesco a few weeks ago myself with the older generation. Walking down the biscuit isle, aul one was in front of me wheeling her trolley. Only the 2 of us in the isle. All of a sudden prap prap prap, 20 seconds of machine gun fire the likes of which not seen since the Normandy beach landings. No shame. Scampered out of there quick in case someone came along thinking it was me!

Needless to say I left the Oreos

This reminds me about my mechanic who is in his mid 70's I reckon. He left off a right long crack about 15 seconds and there was no acknowledgement of his achievement whatsoever. I was with my partner at the time and all we had to do was look at each other and we split our holes laughing at it, behind his back of course.
I mean surely he felt it leaving there.

NeinNeinNein

'Cantilever,' what a strangely beautiful word, reads like a surreptitious apology.

Raconteuse

The farts from someone sitting near me the other day (on a plane) were an utter disgrace. :mad:

An extremely intense sharp pungency combined with stale beer fumes. Shameless!

sligojoek

"Cantilever" sh1t swallowers are grand if they're fixed properly to a block and cement wall. The law of the triangle is a good one. Use the "Knuckle test". If it sounds hollow the chances are it's "fixed" to two strategically placed 2x1s with 2 or 3 inch skinny screws . Don't put all your eggs in that basket.

Hector Savage

True, nothing worse than one of those cantilever jacks, I don't care if it's strong enough to hold 6 elephants, I still feel insecure on the feckin thing and feel like it's gonna break and I end up on the floor in a pool of piss and scuther!

EmmetSpiceland

Raconteuse wrote: »

The farts from someone sitting near me the other day (on a plane) were an utter disgrace. :mad:

An extremely intense sharp pungency combined with stale beer fumes. Shameless!

I’ve heard that when they “pressurise” the cabin it can cause flatulence, not sure how true that is but if that person, most likely a guy, was letting off for most of the flight it might explain it. But not excuse it.

sligojoek wrote: »

"Cantilever" sh1t swallowers are grand if they're fixed properly to a block and cement wall. The law of the triangle is a good one.

I can respect the “science” behind it but, like Hector there, I just can’t fully trust it.

The real problem with this was was the height of the bowl. I’d consider myself average height, not on boards.ie though, as lads on here seem to think 5’8 is average. Which it might be for the average user of the site but doesn’t seem to match up with the “real world”.

Anyway, I feel the combination of the height, a heavily meated dinner and a rough hangover led to this, personal, disaster. At one point I actually contemplated “reeling” it back in. Can you imagine pulling back 3-4 inches of cold brown?

It really was not a great start to the day.

fuerte1976

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve heard that when they “pressurise” the cabin it can cause flatulence, not sure how true that is but if that person, most likely a guy, was letting off for most of the flight it might explain it. But not excuse it.

I can respect the “science” behind it but, like Hector there, I just can’t fully trust it.

I can testify to this- Its real. When I disembark, steer clear as its like a trumpet with the keys stuck down.
Surprisingly odourless emissions mind you..

Might be worthwhile putting that question to the boffins on the aviation forum.
Or maybe not...

Ush1

The wall mounted are more hygienic lads, you can clean under them better than the classic style.

Hector Savage

fuerte1976 wrote: »

I can testify to this- Its real. When I disembark, steer clear as its like a trumpet with the keys stuck down.
Surprisingly odourless emissions mind you..

Might be worthwhile putting that question to the boffins on the aviation forum.
Or maybe not...

I'd believe it , did you ever buy a packet of crisps in the airport and then not open them till you are at 35k feet ?

Feckin' hell!!!!!!!!

I'm surprised we don't all burst up there, like that lad Sanchez killed in James Bond...

Hector Savage

Ush1 wrote: »

The wall mounted are more hygienic lads, you can clean under them better than the classic style.

Good point actually...

gerrybbadd

My 2 young lads were having great craic at the noises eminating from Daddy this morning. They weren't too fond of the scents however.

I started the day yesterday with 2 mugs of coffee. I decided that somehow, 4 Denny Gold Medal and 2 cheese & onion tayto sandwiches would be a mighty idea for breakfast.

Herself took the kids off for the day, so it was TV, nap and snack time. What went on was debaucherous. Mini snickers X3. Half a big bag of jelly beans. 2 more bags of taytos. Several cans of Coke Zero. And then a big dirty Chicken Biryani with spicy curry sauce, King Prawn Butterflys and Aloo Tikki starters.

The banshee wails started at about 1am last night. Low, long hums, followed by quick rapid "quips". A few machine gunners as well. Even one "helicopter propeller blade". It was a magnificnet night in the leaba.

Disaster almost struck this morning though, when one push too much produced the tell tale liquid I had been anticipating.

I'm currently feeling the need to make Zbigniew's day now, so I think, after coffee 3, I might head into the Warzone just one more time.

Sharp MZ700

Haven't had a helicopter propeller blade myself in a while. Tremendous sense of achievement any time I do. That Coke zero must be the culprit must buy a few cans.

Herself stay in the cot all night Gerry?

Sharp MZ700

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Haven't had a helicopter propeller blade myself in a while. Tremendous sense of achievement any time I do. That Coke zero must be the culprit must buy a few cans.

Herself stay in the cot all night Gerry?

I'd blame the crisp sandwiches myself. Whenever I have one the results can be disastrous.

gerrybbadd

gerrybbadd wrote: »

My 2 young lads were having great craic at the noises eminating from Daddy this morning. They weren't too fond of the scents however.

Reminds me of when I was younger. My father used to absolutely devour tuna sandwiches, stank the ****ing house out, the farts would register on the richer scale. My brother and I would be in stitches though.

gerrybbadd

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Haven't had a helicopter propeller blade myself in a while. Tremendous sense of achievement any time I do. That Coke zero must be the culprit must buy a few cans.

Herself stay in the cot all night Gerry?

Ah she was in and out S, luckily she has a blocked nose, so the "aroma" wasn't a factor. The noise however, were bound to be disturbing factors.

The helicopter is a rare achievement, I think i've only ever had one before. I think the missus was under the impression that "California Love" by Tupac and Dre was starting up on my phone or something

NeinNeinNein

Ush1 wrote: »

The wall mounted are more hygienic lads, you can clean under them better than the classic style.

Not as good for hiding your sandwiches behind though.

KWAG2019

Ush1 wrote: »

The wall mounted are more hygienic lads, you can clean under them better than the classic style.

Everything I have read here reinforces (pardon the pun) the need for such cleaning. Steam cleaning. Deep cleaning. Fumigation.

Andreas77

Very interesting about the wall-mounted gadget. Never encountered this. Encountered many rectangular toilet seats in France and Spain. Width of seat is modest, you would expect the seat to leave a rectangular impression on the fleshy surface of a larger man's buttocks, but for my part, I really enjoy the rectangular style, it feels substantial, like you are seated on a luxury coach in a dirty western, or positioned like a referee at Wimbledon, about to drop a sticky parcel of beef on the asphalt.

Andreas77

Over the bank holiday weekend I was treated to a leek and cream cheese bake. This item was served with a simple salad of mixed leaves, balsamic, stuffed peppers, roquito peppers, shallots. For my part, I brought a bottle of chianti classico (not fan of Italian wines, but price was right. To be clear, this individual is a capable cook, and an exquisite homemaker, with comfortable and stylish settees with white and off-white coverings that can be removed and washed separately. We enjoy each other’s company for food, bandwagons with other parties, cultural pursuits (book club, film festival etc.) but it is not really ‘a thing’,. She often makes superior Goan food with exquisite condiments (pickled pineapple, hispi cabbage, Kismoor, snake beans (I had a snake in my pants, I really wanted to bone this beauty).

Anyway as I say this lady is a very capable cook, but she made silly error with leak and cream cheese bake. She have gotten these leeks from friend with country house who grows them herself on vegetable plot, and as a result she has been overly fearful of being wasteful, meaning she has left many sections of the tough, darker green sections of the outer body in the bake. Moreover, she has cut them at angle, not straight across (reminds me of a buddy I went to Greece with before, the whole house was ruined with dirty old prostitutes (I wouldn’t touch them), some drug users, drug paraphernalia, reason being when I woke up, understandably quite angry, this dirty little prick was cutting onions on a chopping board at 10.00AM with everything turned upside down and these slutty vagrants leaning on one counter or clutching the blinds, needless to say I went straight home, reason they were cooking so early in the morning was due to sex sessions all night (bareback) with no appetite for food, only alcohol, the whole group was dehydrated). Anyway, today I had that experience in cubicle of smearing around excrement on my white cheeks, sometimes it happens like this that instead of wiping down anus mouth with scrunched up ball of paper (very wasteful), we’ll get some on the inside of our arse cheek that is hard to remove, and the excrement is kind of smeared around on the cheek of my bottom, sometimes sticking onto other buttock (usually I wet some toilet paper at this stage, to wipe or scrape away the excrement) but something slimy and wet persisted against the inside of my buttock, each wipe, I could feel again something like a sinewy wet ribbon attached to my ringpiece, and fixed very clammily, to the interior of my cheeks.,

Of course it was plant matter on my anus lips. She should have removed the coarse, dark green skin of the leek, but it was not broken down in my body. I actually had to clasp it with my fingers.

Brendan Bendar

TLDR