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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

18990929495103

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

    She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    If you get a text saying that Google Earth can now read maps backwards, ignore it...

    It's spam.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I can't Handel Liszts. If I forget something while Chopin, I just go Bach later.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,467 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    The Premier League have released a statement saying Man Utd will be hit with a severe penalty following the invasion of Old Trafford by fans this afternoon.

    Bruno Fernandes will take it.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Called the vets this morning...

    Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

    Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"

    Me: "He's holding his head to one side."

    Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

    Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My plan for today is to go with the wife to get us both some new glasses. After that, we'll see


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Maybe not the most P.C...
    An asylum seeker picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
    '€100,' she replies.
    In broken English he says 'Do you do Refugee Style?'
    'No' she says.
    'I pay you €200 to do Refugee Style.'
    'No', she says, not knowing what Refugee Style is.
    'I pay you €300.'
    'No', she says.
    'I pay you €400.'
    'No', she says.
    So finally he says, 'OK, I pay €1,000 to do Refugee Style.'
    She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Refugee Style be?'.
    So she agrees and has sex with him.
    They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
    Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Refugee Style'?'
    The asylum seeker replies 'You send bill to Government.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,587 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    I can't Handel Liszts. If I forget something while Chopin, I just go Bach later.

    There's no Haydn from that logic, my friend. I hope you remain strauss-free if you get the boot from the Schumann.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Sometimes I wake up grumpy
    Other times I let her sleep.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    I can never remember the capital of Vietnam.

    It's very Hanoi-ing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 935 ✭✭✭giles lynchwood


    What's black and slides down Nelson's column.
































    Winne Mandela


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 452 ✭✭Sharpyshoot


    Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
    He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
    He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
    He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
    Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
    Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
    Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
    She answered
    'THE TEETH'.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers.

    My girlfriend will love them.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Been learning how to guess the weight of dogs.
    Picked up a few pointers yesterday.


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  • Site Banned Posts: 36 Mr.Sir


    Post joke.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    We've been married over 40 years and my wife has never changed from the day I married her.

    Her wedding dress is worn out now.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just spent €300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

    Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I burnt my Hawaiian pizza earlier.
    Probably should have cooked it at aloha temperature.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I have just been offered a job by one of the "Big Four" accounting organizations.

    I'm Deloitte'd.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 69,969 ✭✭✭✭FrancieBrady


    everlast75 wrote: »
    I have just been offered a job by one of the "Big Four" accounting organizations.

    I'm Deloitte'd.

    I'm 'Touched' for you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
    Scared the sh*t out of me.
    So that's it!After today,
    NO MORE READING!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Interviewer: how do you explain the 4 year gap in your CV.

    Me: that's when I went to Yale.

    Interviewer: that's very impressive, you're hired.

    Me: thanks, I really need this yob.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Interviewer: how do you explain the 4 year gap in your CV ?


    Me: I was in prison , not in the Trump administration.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.
    I don't know why, but I get a real kick out of it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    The wife was just thinking of buying a flight to Dubai there after the pandemic but I'm not sure. Dubai or not Dubai is the question.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,565 ✭✭✭K.Flyer


    I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try some kinky sex using our car keys.
    She wasn't too happy about it and just fobbed me off.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 12,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭blue5000


    Over heard in the rest area after getting a covid jab;

    'Is this the que for the wrist tattoos?'

    If the seat's wet, sit on yer hat, a cool head is better than a wet ar5e.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,425 ✭✭✭silliussoddius


    I'm 'Touched' for you.

    Good luck at Toilet & Douche


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Me: "are these genetically modified carrots?"

    Grocer: "why do you ask?"

    Carrot: "yeah, why do you ask?"


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house.

    It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When I accepted a whispered invitation to join the Masons I didn't expect to be repairing a dry stone wall


  • Registered Users Posts: 38 Oscar1978


    Walked into the Deli today to be confronted by a pastry with cheese and ham singing Livin' on prayer.... it was actually Jambon Jovi.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I went to see a psychic earlier and he was in a bad mood.
    Then I saw a clairvoyant who was really grumpy.

    Jeez, I'm just trying to find a happy medium!


  • Registered Users Posts: 38 Oscar1978


    Could be a Tommy Cooper one ..... I brought my Rottweiler to the vet as he's struggling to see. The vet picked him up by the ears looks in his eyes then says I'm gonna have to put him down. I said " why? Because he can't see ?" The vet said no , "he's too heavy" !!!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I have an idea for a chain of Elvis themed steak houses.

    It will be for people who love meat tender.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81?

    He said "No"


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,632 ✭✭✭its_steve116


    The deluded Skins character went into McDonalds, drunk, to order another pint.
    "I'll have a Mini McGuinness please..."


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The money is always a nice little bonus.

    But the real joy in robbing the Post Office is watching the staff move quickly for once.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again....

    Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭frag420


    If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again....

    Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

    That joke sucks...


  • Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭The Witches Cat


    Did you hear about the Gay Magician???
    He vanished with a Poof!!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    frag420 wrote: »
    That joke sucks...
    I finally sold my vacuum cleaner.

    It was only gathering dust.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Actually, most people prefer vacuum cleaners to brushes, for cleaning their floors.
    Bit of a sweeping generalisation, I know.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭frag420


    I finally sold my vacuum cleaner.

    It was only gathering dust.

    Look at you hoovering up all the thanks...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    Confucius says,
    "When you clean out a vacuum cleaner,
    You become a vacuum cleaner."


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,026 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Or even a vacuum cleaner cleaner. And you'll end up with a cleaner vacuum cleaner.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,587 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Why is it always so dirty at NATO headquarters?

    Because NATO abhors a vacuum.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    New Home wrote: »
    Or even a vacuum cleaner cleaner. And you'll end up with a cleaner vacuum cleaner.

    Could a vacuum cleaner cleaner clean a vacuum cleaner in a vacuum?


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