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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

1…6970727475…103

Comments

  • #3552
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A man doesn't walk into a pub...


  • #3553
    fr336
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    I keep waking up and realising it wasn't just an awful nightmare - Donald trump really is the president.


  • #3554
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Mugger arrested after mugging several people today has been charged with violating social distancing rules.


  • #3555
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,528 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    If you're worried about coronavirus,

    Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure treatment.


    FYP

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #3556
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,528 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Mr Tibbs wrote: »
    The local chipper I go to still wrap their meals in newspaper
    Yesterday I got a Plaice in the Sun

    Old news.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #3557
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Germany limiting groups to two people. It's the best zwei to avoid a drei cough.


  • #3558
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I found a small lump on one of my testicles this morning. I went and had them scanned today. I'm now barred from Dunnes !!


  • #3559
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Had sex with my girlfriend in the car last night, It was pretty uncomfortable,
    I wish we'd dropped her parents off first


  • #3560
    Edgware
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,874 ✭✭✭Edgware


    byrner88 wrote: »
    I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
    I gave a speech at the National Haemorrhoids Association Conference. I got a standing ovation


  • #3561
    the beer revolu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭the beer revolu


    I tried to organise a tantric sex party.
    No one came.


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  • #3562
    Suckit
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Mod-remember this is a pg13 site.


  • #3563
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Prince Charles has just been diagnosed with corona virus.
    Which goes to show it is heirborn.


  • #3564
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

    What a bunch of ****.


  • #3565
    patmac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,589 ✭✭✭patmac


    Meatloaf is married to an accountant. She'll do anything for love but she won't do VAT


  • #3566
    tobsey
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭tobsey


    Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

    "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

    Jane then explained to him what sex was.

    Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

    Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

    "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."

    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.

    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

    Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?

    "Check for squirrel." he responds


  • #3567
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

    Killed in a tunnel.


  • #3568
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    A man died today after jumping on his nemesis from a tall building.
    He was pronounced dead on a rival.


  • #3569
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Sales of deodorant slump as people try to ensure social distancing!


  • #3570
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day..

    Just wish his wife would do the same.


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  • #3571
    Hagar7
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Mod- There is a whole forum dedicated to pics & videos.


  • #3572
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Prince Charles has had his latest test results back.
    He's still not Harry's dad.


  • #3573
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I saw Paul from the Chucklebrothers in Aldi earlier

    I said "Oi, Two metre you"


  • #3574
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    General Motors have been ordered to stop making cars and start making ventilators. How the hell are you supposed to get around in a ventilator?


  • #3575
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I phoned a Chinese restaurant and the man said "Hello I'm Wan King the chef"

    I said " No worries ill call back later"


  • #3576
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 6pm.


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  • #3577
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I shouted through the letter box, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave em on the doormat."

    Wife.. "Just let me in."


  • #3578
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My friend's a really stubborn hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her...

    She just won’t techno for an answer!


  • #3579
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ME: Dial 999. Police, please
    POLICE: Police
    ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.
    POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.
    ME: But they are standing less than 1 metre apart !
    POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.


  • #3580
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    One of the main symptoms of Covid-19 is a loss of taste.

    My wife rang the emergency number when I started laughing at Mrs. Brown's Boys.


  • #3581
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.

    "That's typical," I thought. "The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a ****ing nutcase."


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  • #3582
    enfield
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,109 ✭✭✭enfield


    Nine hundred and eighty three trillion, six hundred and fourteen billion, seven hundred and forty seven million, eight hundred and eighty four thousand, five hundred and seventy six green bottles...hanging on the wall......


  • #3583
    GBX
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,015 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    I’ve just been to Tesco’s and seen a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros and I thought to myself..........

    Hispanic buying


  • #3584
    BENDYBINN
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,865 ✭✭✭BENDYBINN


    What do you call a bee from America?





    A USB


  • #3585
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,222 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Saw a lad I knew driving a tow truck down the road. He Looked very agitatedl.
    I thought to myself “ that lad’s heading for a breakdown”.


  • #3586
    patmac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,589 ✭✭✭patmac


    Who would have thought that leaving things on people's doorsteps, ringing the doorbell, and running away would prove to be so useful in adult life?


  • #3587
    biko
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,220 ✭✭✭✭biko


    Women are responsible for 43% of traffic accidents.

    Which is very high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side of the car.


  • #3588
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The Good News: I won the lottery!

    The Bad News: Since no one could buy tickets, it's only €12.


  • #3589
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    5 sleeps till putting the bins out


  • #3590
    patmac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,589 ✭✭✭patmac


    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.


  • #3591
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    patmac wrote: »
    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

    Is that for the 23rd of December? :p Fair play! :D

    EDIT: Sorry, I thought this was the Christmas forum... :p


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  • #3592
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    patmac wrote: »
    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.
    Coming on a wing and a prayer ! !:)


  • #3593
    ohnonotgmail
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,513 ✭✭✭✭ohnonotgmail


    patmac wrote: »
    I've finally got a delivery slot for my shopping. I've ordered; Turkey, sprouts, roasts, pudding and Christmas cake and crackers plus tinsel.

    i got a delivery slot for 8.23, which seems an oddly specific time. Oh wait, 2023.


  • #3594
    kildare lad
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,010 ✭✭✭kildare lad


    What did the buffalo say to his child when he was going off to school

    Bison


  • #3595
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    For my next trick I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

    Drum roll please.


  • #3596
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What if mobile phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?


  • #3597
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Quarantine day 7..

    Drinking at home compared to the pub isn't working out..

    I almost asked my wife for her phone number.


  • #3598
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My mate who has a bad stutter has died in prison.

    He never got the chance to finish his sentence.


  • #3599
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Elton John's party trick is to name all of the english counties in alphabetical order.
    Surrey seems to be the hardest word.


  • #3600
    Deja Boo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,681 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?


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  • #3601
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    Deja Boo wrote: »
    Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?
    I sent Hamish but he is inclined to be Amiss-ish.


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