Fb relationship status - when do you change it?

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 11:36AM #1

Hi ladies,

Mid 30's girl, met guy who is just a few months out of a long term relationship, not looking for anything "heavy" (his words). He is 4 years younger than I.
Been on a few dates - he seems very nice - kind, attentive, listens to what I say, texts a bit, seems open etc.
I was being nosey and looked at his ex's fb profile - says she is "in a relationship" and I can see a few pictures of them on her page. It's a private page but I can see a few things.
So I'm thinking girls who split with guys change their status straight away - right?? Is it normal to leave your status as "in a relationship " a few months after you split up??
It's making me doubt that he really is single even though he says he is. Only met up 5 times but he asked me to meet him tonight. I don't want to appear to be needy and insecure but if he is lying, I'd prefer to know now.
Any thoughts???

Liam McPoyle · 26-04-2016 11:48AM

mid30slady wrote: »

Hi ladies,

Mid 30's girl, met guy who is just a few months out of a long term relationship, not looking for anything "heavy" (his words). He is 4 years younger than I.
Been on a few dates - he seems very nice - kind, attentive, listens to what I say, texts a bit, seems open etc.
I was being nosey and looked at his ex's fb profile - says she is "in a relationship" and I can see a few pictures of them on her page. It's a private page but I can see a few things.
So I'm thinking girls who split with guys change their status straight away - right?? Is it normal to leave your status as "in a relationship " a few months after you split up??
It's making me doubt that he really is single even though he says he is. Only met up 5 times but he asked me to meet him tonight. I don't want to appear to be needy and insecure but if he is lying, I'd prefer to know now.
Any thoughts???

Maybe she is in a relationship with someone else?

Maybe she hasn't been on Facebook in months, not everyone updates all the time on it.

ElleEm · 26-04-2016 11:52AM

Step away from Facebook!

Seriously, you are a few dates in and you are delving into his past. What did you hope to get from checking out his ex on Facebook? What someone does/ doesn't do on social media is none of your concern.

sullivlo · 26-04-2016 12:01PM

Mod

Moving thread to here. You may get more helpful responses.

silverbolt · 26-04-2016 12:09PM

Oh gods fb is worse than the worst gossiping know it all bunch of old irish mammies you ever saw.

OP first off - youve been on a few dates, you have no relationship.

Secondly - why does she have to be in a relationship with him? She could be with someone else, she might have just not changed it. She might even have left it as a relationship to stop people asking her out.

Stay off FB if you actually want something with this guy.

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 12:32PM

I know, I know!!!! Stupid, I know!

It's my own insecurity but I suppose I just wanted to see if he was genuinely not in a relationship. I have been asked out by married men/guys who are committed. I really don't know why which has over time make me skeptical.

I just don't want to be messed around by someone so am trying to protect myself. I have no interest meeting a guy if hd is jn a relationship.

Since I saw the status it has made me wonder if they have split and if he is telling me the truth, why would the girl leave up pictures and leave the status like that. It's been making me think!

CaraMay · 26-04-2016 12:35PM

I doubt someone would leave that up if they were single and the question is if she's with him or someone else. How do you know his ex? How long are they split up?

Scarinae · 26-04-2016 12:42PM

mid30slady wrote: »

I was being nosey and looked at his ex's fb profile - says she is "in a relationship" and I can see a few pictures of them on her page. It's a private page but I can see a few things.

Bear in mind that if her page is set to private then the only things you'd be able to see on it would be her profile picture, cover picture and posts that have common connections tagged in them - so it makes sense that you can see pictures of them together, presumably he's tagged in these photos and you are facebook friends with him.

I haven't removed pictures of my ex from my facebook - I update my page fairly regularly so anyone I'm FB friends with would have to dig back quite far to find pictures of my ex, however if someone was friends with my ex and not with me then all they'd be able to see would be old posts and photos that he's tagged in. Does that make sense? She's probably left the photos up rather than deleting them - and why shouldn't she, he is part of her past - however if the photos of them together are dated as being from this weekend then they probably are still together.

mid30slady wrote: »

So I'm thinking girls who split with guys change their status straight away - right?? Is it normal to leave your status as "in a relationship " a few months after you split up??

Also, if it just says 'in a relationship', for all you know that could be a new relationship with someone else. After all, he's dating again so why wouldn't she be?

Dial Hard · 26-04-2016 12:42PM

mid30slady wrote:

why would the girl leave up pictures and leave the status like that. It's been making me think!

There's loads of photos of me and my ex husband still on my FB and we split up 4.5 years ago. At the time I made our wedding photos private but there was no way I was forensically trawling through hundreds of FB photos to remove every trace of him. Why would I? He was part of my life, the fact that we split up doesn't change that.

I can't speak for the status thing as I've never put a relationship status on FB, but as others have pointed out, who's to say it even refers to him? Seriously, OP, you need to relax the kacks.

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 12:48PM

That's what I would think CaraMay, but she was with Tom (let's call him) for 7/8 years so I doubt after a few months (not sure how many - could be 2, could be 9) she is in a relationship with someone else and continues to leave pictures of Tom and herself up?

He said her first name when he said they had split up. I just put in her first name and location and her name (not a common one) came up so I took a look!

It just doesn't sit right with me since I saw it. I don't want to be a rebound girl or meet a guy who is already in a relationship.

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 12:55PM

Private page but there are a few pictures that someone else can see.
He is not tagged in them so I presume he is no on fb.

I don't add anybody on fb I don't know for some time so I didn't ask him if he was on it.

I just don't know, I decided I'm not going to meet him tonight - I might suggest the weekend instead and see how I feel as the week goes on. Maybe I'm being silly but it's not sitting right with me. I don't want yo be an ego boost for him if they are together!

batmanrobin · 26-04-2016 01:03PM

mid30slady wrote: »

That's what I would think CaraMay, but she was with Tom (let's call him) for 7/8 years so I doubt after a few months (not sure how many - could be 2, could be 9) she is in a relationship with someone else and continues to leave pictures of Tom and herself up?

He said her first name when he said they had split up. I just put in her first name and location and her name (not a common one) came up so I took a look!

It just doesn't sit right with me since I saw it. I don't want to be a rebound girl or meet a guy who is already in a relationship.

Aren't you kind of already the rebound? He's happy to flirt away and go on dates but doesn't want anything "heavy".... Spells rebound to me.

Re him potentially being in a relationship, that's a tough one. There's no real way to know that they are broken up. How frequently are ye able to meet during week? Does he text a night? In morning? Or does he only communicate when it would be considered "safe" e.g. when he's a work etc. But even the it would still be difficult to judge it.

Maybe it's just too much hassle this early. Do you want a serious relationship or are you happy with casual?

Xterminator · 26-04-2016 01:04PM

OP - if you start a relationship off on a bad note with no trust, it is doomed to failure. It never has a chance; does it?

could you not just sit down with this gentleman, and calmly express your fears about being a rebound relationship or being an ego boost, and see what he has to say?

as opposed to obsessing over the minutiae of social media details on a profile that you have no connection to?

I don't mean to be harsh, just think you are going the wrong way about addressing your fears. The last thing i think you should is is play games, re schedule dates to gauge his reaction, cyber stalk his ex, end so on.

i would put the emphasis on communication, honesty, and then trust.

Cheers

X

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 01:08PM

batmanrobin wrote: »

Aren't you kind of already the rebound? He's happy to flirt away and go on dates but doesn't want anything "heavy".... Spells rebound to me.

I think so too. I do appreciate the honesty (IF he is single). Told him I'm not looking for casual.

Re him potentially being in a relationship, that's a tough one. There's no real way to know that they are broken up. How frequently are ye able to meet during week? Does he text a night? In morning? Or does he only communicate when it would be considered "safe" e.g. when he's a work etc. But even the it would still be difficult to judge it.

I met him a few evenings 7om to 1am ish and we had a good laugh. When I haven't seen him, he texts at night, sometimes during the day but I know in the industry he is in, he works long days. Nothing Saturday night but I was out and he was out with friends.

Maybe it's just too much hassle this early. Do you want a serious relationship or are you happy with casual?

That's what I'm feeling deep down. I'm not looking for casual at the moment and I just don't want to continue meeting someone if he is not who he says he is.

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 01:14PM

Xterminator, I just feel it's too soon to have a chat like that. People always say avoid that initially and see what happens. It'd only been a few weeks.
If he is single, I'd rather see what happens. It's the not knowing is annoying me. I don't want to meet another girls boyfriend if he is not single.

CaraMay · 26-04-2016 01:15PM

mid30slady wrote: »

That's what I'm feeling deep down. I'm not looking for casual at the moment and I just don't want to continue meeting someone if he is not who he says he is.

That aside - you don't want casual and he does. There's no point continuing.

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 01:17PM

Yeah, I think you are right.

Get out while the going is good!

CloudCumulus · 26-04-2016 01:17PM

Take a selfie of you both, pop it up on facebook with date night as the caption, that'll tell you!

batmanrobin · 26-04-2016 01:18PM

mid30slady wrote: »

Yeah, I think you are right.

Get out while the going is good!

That's the smart thing to do, OP. Not much point wasting time on someone who wants it casual when you want serious.

CaraMay · 26-04-2016 01:18PM

CloudCumulus wrote: »

Take a selfie of you both, pop it up on facebook with date night as the caption, that'll tell you!

After a few dates? Don't think so

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 01:22PM

😂😂 CloudCulumus - imagine!

Not a selfies girl - never really put anything on fb.

CloudCumulus · 26-04-2016 01:28PM

LOL no but seriously, by the fact that he doesn't want another relationship could possibly mean she broke his heart and did the dumping, maybe she'd found someone else and that's why she has moved on quickly.

njs030 · 26-04-2016 01:29PM

Are you and him facebook friends? When were the photos dated?

Most people don't go through all their photos and delete everyone of their ex, my exs ex-wife still has pics of them together at functions etc on her page. Clearly they aren't still together!

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 01:35PM

I thought of that, that she could have finished it but I just don't know!

The most recent picture was last summer, at a wedding, she's like a bloody model!

I'm not fb friends with him - I only add people I'm friends for long time with.

I just don't want to continue meeting him and start to like him if we stay getting on well if he (a) isn't single and (b) is on the rebound!
Guys don't move on that fast!

njs030 · 26-04-2016 01:40PM

mid30slady wrote: »

I thought of that, that she could have finished it but I just don't know!

The most recent picture was last summer, at a wedding, she's like a bloody model!

I'm not fb friends with him - I only add people I'm friends for long time with.

I just don't want to continue meeting him and start to like him if we stay getting on well if he (a) isn't single and (b) is on the rebound!
Guys don't move on that fast!

Well I agree that it probably is a rebound, a few months isn't very long. It's pretty likely he just wants to be with someone to make him feel better.......personally I'd walk away cos it's too soon.

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 01:44PM

Yeah, I just don't want to be an ego boost to help a guy get over heartbreak!

I thought about meeting him and saying I don't think meeting is a good idea (for me) but I might just be too busy to meet up again! Think I'll just be selfish snd consider my own needs!

njs030 · 26-04-2016 01:46PM

mid30slady wrote: »

Yeah, I just don't want to be an ego boost to help a guy get over heartbreak!

I thought about meeting him and saying I don't think meeting is a good idea (for me) but I might just be too busy to meet up again! Think I'll just be selfish snd consider my own needs!

Depends what you want, you could take it very slowly and see how it goes. If you do that then block his ex so you're not tempted to look again!!

CaraMay · 26-04-2016 01:47PM

mid30slady wrote: »

Yeah, I just don't want to be an ego boost to help a guy get over heartbreak!

I thought about meeting him and saying I don't think meeting is a good idea (for me) but I might just be too busy to meet up again! Think I'll just be selfish snd consider my own needs!

Why would you meet someone to tell them you can't meet them. Just cancel the date and tell him it's not working for you. No need to complicate matters and / or create drama. Also, if you want a relationship there's no point sating someone who tells you they don't

Augme · 26-04-2016 02:13PM

OP I think you need to work on your own issues first before you get involved with someone else. Going onto Facebook and looking for his ex-girl friends profile based solely on her first name and location is very stalkerish and unhealthy behaviour.

beks101 · 26-04-2016 02:22PM

Just tell him you're busy for the next while, he'll get the message.

I'm not sure facebook is the issue here, so much as you barking up the wrong tree with a guy who is looking for something casual when you want a relationship. The correct response would've been "cool, well I'm looking for something more, so let's just leave it at that shall we?" when he told you he didn't want anything "heavy". Not running to facebook and stalking his ex.

General rule of thumb, if a fella talks repeatedly about his ex or his break-up or his former relationship, you're in for a tidal wave of headfcuk. If you hear an ex's name more than once or twice in the same day, run for your life. I say from experience, it'll end in tears if you try to get anywhere with this kind of guy.

mid30slady · 26-04-2016 02:58PM

I don't think I am the only one ever guilty of looking somebody up on fb! It's a very uncommon name and was the first thst came up when I put in her first name!
The conversation we had was he said he had been in a long term relationship with her (name) and they had split up only a few months ago. He is open to meeting someone but I don't think he wants serious. I told him I had split up with John who I was seeing. No big deal.
If I stay meeting him, he is the type of guy I could like. I need to be realistic and accept he isn't looking for same as me so I will move on.

Fb relationship status - when do you change it?

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