Fb relationship status - when do you change it?

mid30slady

Hi ladies,

Mid 30's girl, met guy who is just a few months out of a long term relationship, not looking for anything "heavy" (his words). He is 4 years younger than I.
Been on a few dates - he seems very nice - kind, attentive, listens to what I say, texts a bit, seems open etc.
I was being nosey and looked at his ex's fb profile - says she is "in a relationship" and I can see a few pictures of them on her page. It's a private page but I can see a few things.
So I'm thinking girls who split with guys change their status straight away - right?? Is it normal to leave your status as "in a relationship " a few months after you split up??
It's making me doubt that he really is single even though he says he is. Only met up 5 times but he asked me to meet him tonight. I don't want to appear to be needy and insecure but if he is lying, I'd prefer to know now.
Any thoughts???

Liam McPoyle

mid30slady wrote: »

Hi ladies,

Mid 30's girl, met guy who is just a few months out of a long term relationship, not looking for anything "heavy" (his words). He is 4 years younger than I.
Been on a few dates - he seems very nice - kind, attentive, listens to what I say, texts a bit, seems open etc.
I was being nosey and looked at his ex's fb profile - says she is "in a relationship" and I can see a few pictures of them on her page. It's a private page but I can see a few things.
So I'm thinking girls who split with guys change their status straight away - right?? Is it normal to leave your status as "in a relationship " a few months after you split up??
It's making me doubt that he really is single even though he says he is. Only met up 5 times but he asked me to meet him tonight. I don't want to appear to be needy and insecure but if he is lying, I'd prefer to know now.
Any thoughts???

Maybe she is in a relationship with someone else?

Maybe she hasn't been on Facebook in months, not everyone updates all the time on it.

ElleEm

Step away from Facebook!

Seriously, you are a few dates in and you are delving into his past. What did you hope to get from checking out his ex on Facebook? What someone does/ doesn't do on social media is none of your concern.

sullivlo

Mod

Moving thread to here. You may get more helpful responses.

silverbolt

Oh gods fb is worse than the worst gossiping know it all bunch of old irish mammies you ever saw.

OP first off - youve been on a few dates, you have no relationship.

Secondly - why does she have to be in a relationship with him? She could be with someone else, she might have just not changed it. She might even have left it as a relationship to stop people asking her out.

Stay off FB if you actually want something with this guy.

mid30slady

I know, I know!!!! Stupid, I know!

It's my own insecurity but I suppose I just wanted to see if he was genuinely not in a relationship. I have been asked out by married men/guys who are committed. I really don't know why which has over time make me skeptical.

I just don't want to be messed around by someone so am trying to protect myself. I have no interest meeting a guy if hd is jn a relationship.

Since I saw the status it has made me wonder if they have split and if he is telling me the truth, why would the girl leave up pictures and leave the status like that. It's been making me think!

CaraMay

I doubt someone would leave that up if they were single and the question is if she's with him or someone else. How do you know his ex? How long are they split up?

Scarinae

mid30slady wrote: »

I was being nosey and looked at his ex's fb profile - says she is "in a relationship" and I can see a few pictures of them on her page. It's a private page but I can see a few things.

Bear in mind that if her page is set to private then the only things you'd be able to see on it would be her profile picture, cover picture and posts that have common connections tagged in them - so it makes sense that you can see pictures of them together, presumably he's tagged in these photos and you are facebook friends with him.

I haven't removed pictures of my ex from my facebook - I update my page fairly regularly so anyone I'm FB friends with would have to dig back quite far to find pictures of my ex, however if someone was friends with my ex and not with me then all they'd be able to see would be old posts and photos that he's tagged in. Does that make sense? She's probably left the photos up rather than deleting them - and why shouldn't she, he is part of her past - however if the photos of them together are dated as being from this weekend then they probably are still together.

mid30slady wrote: »

So I'm thinking girls who split with guys change their status straight away - right?? Is it normal to leave your status as "in a relationship " a few months after you split up??

Also, if it just says 'in a relationship', for all you know that could be a new relationship with someone else. After all, he's dating again so why wouldn't she be?

Dial Hard

mid30slady wrote:

why would the girl leave up pictures and leave the status like that. It's been making me think!

There's loads of photos of me and my ex husband still on my FB and we split up 4.5 years ago. At the time I made our wedding photos private but there was no way I was forensically trawling through hundreds of FB photos to remove every trace of him. Why would I? He was part of my life, the fact that we split up doesn't change that.

I can't speak for the status thing as I've never put a relationship status on FB, but as others have pointed out, who's to say it even refers to him? Seriously, OP, you need to relax the kacks.

mid30slady

That's what I would think CaraMay, but she was with Tom (let's call him) for 7/8 years so I doubt after a few months (not sure how many - could be 2, could be 9) she is in a relationship with someone else and continues to leave pictures of Tom and herself up?

He said her first name when he said they had split up. I just put in her first name and location and her name (not a common one) came up so I took a look!

It just doesn't sit right with me since I saw it. I don't want to be a rebound girl or meet a guy who is already in a relationship.

mid30slady

Private page but there are a few pictures that someone else can see.
He is not tagged in them so I presume he is no on fb.

I don't add anybody on fb I don't know for some time so I didn't ask him if he was on it.

I just don't know, I decided I'm not going to meet him tonight - I might suggest the weekend instead and see how I feel as the week goes on. Maybe I'm being silly but it's not sitting right with me. I don't want yo be an ego boost for him if they are together!

batmanrobin

mid30slady wrote: »

That's what I would think CaraMay, but she was with Tom (let's call him) for 7/8 years so I doubt after a few months (not sure how many - could be 2, could be 9) she is in a relationship with someone else and continues to leave pictures of Tom and herself up?

He said her first name when he said they had split up. I just put in her first name and location and her name (not a common one) came up so I took a look!

It just doesn't sit right with me since I saw it. I don't want to be a rebound girl or meet a guy who is already in a relationship.

Aren't you kind of already the rebound? He's happy to flirt away and go on dates but doesn't want anything "heavy".... Spells rebound to me.

Re him potentially being in a relationship, that's a tough one. There's no real way to know that they are broken up. How frequently are ye able to meet during week? Does he text a night? In morning? Or does he only communicate when it would be considered "safe" e.g. when he's a work etc. But even the it would still be difficult to judge it.

Maybe it's just too much hassle this early. Do you want a serious relationship or are you happy with casual?

Xterminator

OP - if you start a relationship off on a bad note with no trust, it is doomed to failure. It never has a chance; does it?

could you not just sit down with this gentleman, and calmly express your fears about being a rebound relationship or being an ego boost, and see what he has to say?

as opposed to obsessing over the minutiae of social media details on a profile that you have no connection to?

I don't mean to be harsh, just think you are going the wrong way about addressing your fears. The last thing i think you should is is play games, re schedule dates to gauge his reaction, cyber stalk his ex, end so on.

i would put the emphasis on communication, honesty, and then trust.

Cheers

X

mid30slady

batmanrobin wrote: »

Aren't you kind of already the rebound? He's happy to flirt away and go on dates but doesn't want anything "heavy".... Spells rebound to me.

I think so too. I do appreciate the honesty (IF he is single). Told him I'm not looking for casual.

Re him potentially being in a relationship, that's a tough one. There's no real way to know that they are broken up. How frequently are ye able to meet during week? Does he text a night? In morning? Or does he only communicate when it would be considered "safe" e.g. when he's a work etc. But even the it would still be difficult to judge it.

I met him a few evenings 7om to 1am ish and we had a good laugh. When I haven't seen him, he texts at night, sometimes during the day but I know in the industry he is in, he works long days. Nothing Saturday night but I was out and he was out with friends.

Maybe it's just too much hassle this early. Do you want a serious relationship or are you happy with casual?

That's what I'm feeling deep down. I'm not looking for casual at the moment and I just don't want to continue meeting someone if he is not who he says he is.

mid30slady

Xterminator, I just feel it's too soon to have a chat like that. People always say avoid that initially and see what happens. It'd only been a few weeks.
If he is single, I'd rather see what happens. It's the not knowing is annoying me. I don't want to meet another girls boyfriend if he is not single.

CaraMay

mid30slady wrote: »

That's what I'm feeling deep down. I'm not looking for casual at the moment and I just don't want to continue meeting someone if he is not who he says he is.

That aside - you don't want casual and he does. There's no point continuing.

mid30slady

Yeah, I think you are right.

Get out while the going is good!

CloudCumulus

Take a selfie of you both, pop it up on facebook with date night as the caption, that'll tell you!

batmanrobin

mid30slady wrote: »

Yeah, I think you are right.

Get out while the going is good!

That's the smart thing to do, OP. Not much point wasting time on someone who wants it casual when you want serious.

CaraMay

CloudCumulus wrote: »

Take a selfie of you both, pop it up on facebook with date night as the caption, that'll tell you!

After a few dates? Don't think so

mid30slady

😂😂 CloudCulumus - imagine!

Not a selfies girl - never really put anything on fb.

CloudCumulus

LOL no but seriously, by the fact that he doesn't want another relationship could possibly mean she broke his heart and did the dumping, maybe she'd found someone else and that's why she has moved on quickly.

njs030

Are you and him facebook friends? When were the photos dated?

Most people don't go through all their photos and delete everyone of their ex, my exs ex-wife still has pics of them together at functions etc on her page. Clearly they aren't still together!

mid30slady

I thought of that, that she could have finished it but I just don't know!

The most recent picture was last summer, at a wedding, she's like a bloody model!

I'm not fb friends with him - I only add people I'm friends for long time with.

I just don't want to continue meeting him and start to like him if we stay getting on well if he (a) isn't single and (b) is on the rebound!
Guys don't move on that fast!

njs030

mid30slady wrote: »

I thought of that, that she could have finished it but I just don't know!

The most recent picture was last summer, at a wedding, she's like a bloody model!

I'm not fb friends with him - I only add people I'm friends for long time with.

I just don't want to continue meeting him and start to like him if we stay getting on well if he (a) isn't single and (b) is on the rebound!
Guys don't move on that fast!

Well I agree that it probably is a rebound, a few months isn't very long. It's pretty likely he just wants to be with someone to make him feel better.......personally I'd walk away cos it's too soon.

mid30slady

Yeah, I just don't want to be an ego boost to help a guy get over heartbreak!

I thought about meeting him and saying I don't think meeting is a good idea (for me) but I might just be too busy to meet up again! Think I'll just be selfish snd consider my own needs!

njs030

mid30slady wrote: »

Yeah, I just don't want to be an ego boost to help a guy get over heartbreak!

I thought about meeting him and saying I don't think meeting is a good idea (for me) but I might just be too busy to meet up again! Think I'll just be selfish snd consider my own needs!

Depends what you want, you could take it very slowly and see how it goes. If you do that then block his ex so you're not tempted to look again!!

CaraMay

mid30slady wrote: »

Yeah, I just don't want to be an ego boost to help a guy get over heartbreak!

I thought about meeting him and saying I don't think meeting is a good idea (for me) but I might just be too busy to meet up again! Think I'll just be selfish snd consider my own needs!

Why would you meet someone to tell them you can't meet them. Just cancel the date and tell him it's not working for you. No need to complicate matters and / or create drama. Also, if you want a relationship there's no point sating someone who tells you they don't

Augme

OP I think you need to work on your own issues first before you get involved with someone else. Going onto Facebook and looking for his ex-girl friends profile based solely on her first name and location is very stalkerish and unhealthy behaviour.

beks101

Just tell him you're busy for the next while, he'll get the message.

I'm not sure facebook is the issue here, so much as you barking up the wrong tree with a guy who is looking for something casual when you want a relationship. The correct response would've been "cool, well I'm looking for something more, so let's just leave it at that shall we?" when he told you he didn't want anything "heavy". Not running to facebook and stalking his ex.

General rule of thumb, if a fella talks repeatedly about his ex or his break-up or his former relationship, you're in for a tidal wave of headfcuk. If you hear an ex's name more than once or twice in the same day, run for your life. I say from experience, it'll end in tears if you try to get anywhere with this kind of guy.

mid30slady

I don't think I am the only one ever guilty of looking somebody up on fb! It's a very uncommon name and was the first thst came up when I put in her first name!
The conversation we had was he said he had been in a long term relationship with her (name) and they had split up only a few months ago. He is open to meeting someone but I don't think he wants serious. I told him I had split up with John who I was seeing. No big deal.
If I stay meeting him, he is the type of guy I could like. I need to be realistic and accept he isn't looking for same as me so I will move on.

SarahMollie

Why don't you just put your cards on the table OP?

People being noncommittal at the start is nothing unusual as they might not want to look clingy but often what they mean is that while they're not wanting to come across as desperate, that they're maybe just taking things as they come.

If you do like him, just gently put your cards on the table. Say something like "I've been really enjoying our dates and think I could really like you. I remember you said you weren't looking for anything serious, but was that an off the cuff remark or are you really only open to something casual right now?"

If you don't ask, you'll never know for sure.

Don't mention stalking his GF on FB. Thats not a good look for anyone, let alone a woman in her 30's. Rely on your insticts and trust your gut.

ibarelycare

Yeah I think you should just come out with it. Say to him "Hi ____ I've really enjoyed spending time with you, but it's in the back of my mind that you're not looking for serious, and I can see myself wanting things to go that way if we continue to see each other, so I think we should just nip this in the bud before I get in too deep."

That way you're putting your cards on the table but you're not putting him under pressure. If he still feels like he doesn't want anything serious then he'll agree with you and move on. If he's decided since getting to know you that he would like to give things a shot, then this will be his opportunity to tell you.

If you really like him then I don't think you should just end things without telling him why. You might always look back and think "what if". At least this way you'll know.

mid30slady

I'm SO confused....at my age lol!!
He is the type of guy I go for when I want a relationship, and I just don't want to come across as being needy and scaring him off (if he definitely is single!) Hence why I am voicing all my insecurities here

timmy880

Sorry but he said he doesn't want anything heavy (which is basically no relationship) and ye have only been on 5 dates. Sounds to me like you want a relationship and you are already looking up his ex's on Facebook? You said you are afraid of being "messed around" but he has given a clear indication that he doesn't want anything serious so either you accept this and enjoy the dates (and stop looking into the past) or leave now before you end up having your feelings hurt here.

laserlad2010

Hey OP,

Ignore the stuff about checking up ex's. It's a purely inquisitive thing to do - and your concerns are valid.

However, I feel that you're reading too much into this. It's only been a few dates. Maybe float the idea of something more serious but I'm not sure you'll get the answer you want.

A word of advice though - openly confront the fact that if you have sex with him it may lead nowhere. If you're not ok with that, do not have sex with him. Otherwise it will end in hurt.

Sound Bite

Facebook should never have anything to do with decision making.

The fact that you are looking up her profile I can just about understand but that fact you are obsessing about it and commenting on her figure seems to indicate insecurity and self esteem issues.

You are in your 30s, you should be able to have honest, open conversations with him even though it's early days. If you want different things, move on but at the same time it's only 5 dates, it might be a bit soon to make up your mind.

Relax

power pants

As several have said, he doesnt want a proper relationship, he has told you this. You are essentially wasting your time and setting yourself up for a fall.

As for the FB thing, its understandable you were curious, think a lot of people do this but could be 1001 reasons as to why she has that status

mid30slady

Thanks guys.
I was very upfront about no one nighters! I just don't do them. He put no pressure on me and hasn't mentioned it since.
My confidence had taken a bruising recently, I see happy couples around me and I do ask myself at times, what is wrong with me that I can't have that too. But she is a stunning girl in her pictures.
Maybe I'm just too insecure at the moment to try meeting a guy.

CloudCumulus

Sure look, if she is so good looking you probably are yourself. But you'll only lose your self confidence if you keep comparing yourself to others.
I get really mad at myself when I look at people I went to school with all with good careers and I'm just floating around wondering what to do in my late 20s, cause it only knocks my confidence.
I hate the whole relationship status on fb anyway.

LegacyUser

Have to agree with posters here,take no notice of Facebook. I still have pictures and tagged events with my ex.
The way I see it is I have nothing to hide,he's in my past

pookie82

First off OP, I think it's normal enough when you meet someone new to do the old Facebook scope on them. Show me a girl/guy who hasn't gotten curious about the social media trail of someone new's life before them. It's all too easy to access. It's not jealousy or insecurity, it's human "nosiness", for want of a better word, and like in your case, it's often to try and get a wider pic of who you're seeing/their past, etc.

This is where it gets messy, though, because we ALL know fb only shows the good stuff, for the majority of people. You mention she looks stunning in a photo of them together - she was at a wedding? People generally try to look like the absolute best version of themselves at events like that. I'm sure that's not what she looked like first thing in the morning. If you could see occasion pics that I've uploaded versus my bare head on a Sunday at 9am you'd get my drift! So don't get sucked into comparisons or thinking you don't match up.

Also, beware that comments/likes/photos can give a very skewed version of reality. When I first started seeing a guy a few years back and looked at his page (before we were friends on it) I saw his ex comment under a recent public pic complimenting him. For all the world it looked like there was still something between them and I could have written him off there and then, but in fact it turned out they were just trying to remain mates and it was a harmless remark. These things can magnify when you don't know the context.

On the issue of her relationship status and the photos - neither mean they're still together. I went through a break up a few years ago and purposely didn't change the "status" because the only way to do so is to change it back to "single", which then pops up as a notification for your 300+ friends to see, as if you're shining a light beam to the world that your relationship has failed. I simply "hid" it altogether instead. This girl hasn't done that, but that doesn't mean much. She could be in a new relationship, or she just didn't want to advertise on social media that this one had gone belly up. Ditto re the photos - she just hasn't deleted them and may never do so!

I'd be cautious about looking too much at her page, though. FB algorithms have been shown to push "page stalkers" as "people you may know", so you might pop up in her suggestions and it may be clear over time that you were checking her out. Don't let it become an obsession.

The best way forward is to simply "ask" him what the deal is. Have a conversation about what he really wants from this, be honest about what you want, ask if he's over her/ready to move on. His reaction should tell you a lot more than some random pics and posts.

Calypso Realm

pookie82 wrote: »

I'd be cautious about looking too much at her page, though. FB algorithms have been shown to push "page stalkers" as "people you may know", so you might pop up in her suggestions and it may be clear over time that you were checking her out. Don't let it become an obsession

Interesting you should say this because this is a conclusion I (and a few friends) have come to over the years as well. I've never read about it anywhere in black and white though.

Jimmy Bottlehead

mid30slady wrote: »

Thanks guys.
I was very upfront about no one nighters! I just don't do them. He put no pressure on me and hasn't mentioned it since.
My confidence had taken a bruising recently, I see happy couples around me and I do ask myself at times, what is wrong with me that I can't have that too. But she is a stunning girl in her pictures.
Maybe I'm just too insecure at the moment to try meeting a guy.

Meh, behind every stunning single girl is the story of a guy who wasn't willing to put up with her shit. And vice versa.

Some people don't update Facebook much. Others aren't wised up to what their viewable info is. Others have forgotten what they've written.

Unless he's very hard to pin down, then he's likely single. But him saying he doesn't want anything heavy... that's a big question mark. Most people are willing to get into something heavy for the right person, so I'd recommend you laying your cards on the table as mentioned.

pookie82

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Interesting you should say this because this is a conclusion I (and a few friends) have come to over the years as well. I've never read about it anywhere in black and white though.

Facebook's official line is that there is no way whatsoever to see who's been looking at your profile, and technically, that's true.

But there have been a few instances now where it's occurred to me that the above is at play. Particularly when a friend of mine started seeing a new guy with no mutual friends/not tagged in anything together and he teased her a week later saying "so you were stalking my page, eh? You popped up in my friend suggestions this week ". She had been!

Or when I travelled home and ran into a distant neighbour I hadn't seen in years and the next day he popped up in my suggestions list. Pretty sure he had looked me up after our (very short) meeting and that's why he was there.

Now you could put it down to facebook recognising phone locations being close together for a certain period of time, or something, but that'd mean that every person who sat beside me for an hour in Starbucks would pop up in my list too, and I haven't noticed that happen!

That's why it'd be a good idea for the OP to stop checking and re checking her page.

mid30slady

Thanks guys for all your advice.
I looked at her page twice so hopefully I won't show up!!! I feel a bit more reassured from your stories that it may not be a definite that they are together.
He instigates texts etc - and they are morning/noon/night so during the week he seems to be free. I'm not too available
I didn't meet him last night but might suggest a coffee during the week.
If I meet him I will just say I'm not putting ANY pressure on him - if he isn't looking for anything but casual that it's best to leave it be, I just don't want to get hurt if it goes any further. I know it's always a risk but if he's not in the same place as me then it is best to leave it.

CloudCumulus

Reading this, I sometimes wish I was on the dating scene again, that fuzzy feeling when you get texts from people you foooncy

CaraMay

mid30slady wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your advice.
I looked at her page twice so hopefully I won't show up!!! I feel a bit more reassured from your stories that it may not be a definite that they are together.
He instigates texts etc - and they are morning/noon/night so during the week he seems to be free. I'm not too available
I didn't meet him last night but might suggest a coffee during the week.
If I meet him I will just say I'm not putting ANY pressure on him - if he isn't looking for anything but casual that it's best to leave it be, I just don't want to get hurt if it goes any further. I know it's always a risk but if he's not in the same place as me then it is best to leave it.

But he's already told you he wants casual??

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

But he's already told you he wants casual??

He told her that at the start, but who knows what's going on in his head now. Many people start out saying that's what they want and then feelings develop.

She's right to lay her cards on the table, no point in her ending things now without giving a reason. She's not asking him to start a relationship with her...she's telling him that she's ending things because she wants a relationship and he doesn't. It will go one of two ways, but at least she'll have her answer.

CaraMay

ibarelycare wrote: »

He told her that at the start, but who knows what's going on in his head now. Many people start out saying that's what they want and then feelings develop.

She's right to lay her cards on the table, no point in her ending things now without giving a reason. She's not asking him to start a relationship with her...she's telling him that she's ending things because she wants a relationship and he doesn't. It will go one of two ways, but at least she'll have her answer.

They've been on 'a few dates' so it's still the start

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

They've been on 'a few dates' so it's still the start

So, she's still not asking him to do anything. She's ending things with him and she's telling him why. If he accepts her reason then they both move on with her lives.