Fb relationship status - when do you change it?

SarahMollie

Why don't you just put your cards on the table OP?

People being noncommittal at the start is nothing unusual as they might not want to look clingy but often what they mean is that while they're not wanting to come across as desperate, that they're maybe just taking things as they come.

If you do like him, just gently put your cards on the table. Say something like "I've been really enjoying our dates and think I could really like you. I remember you said you weren't looking for anything serious, but was that an off the cuff remark or are you really only open to something casual right now?"

If you don't ask, you'll never know for sure.

Don't mention stalking his GF on FB. Thats not a good look for anyone, let alone a woman in her 30's. Rely on your insticts and trust your gut.

ibarelycare

Yeah I think you should just come out with it. Say to him "Hi ____ I've really enjoyed spending time with you, but it's in the back of my mind that you're not looking for serious, and I can see myself wanting things to go that way if we continue to see each other, so I think we should just nip this in the bud before I get in too deep."

That way you're putting your cards on the table but you're not putting him under pressure. If he still feels like he doesn't want anything serious then he'll agree with you and move on. If he's decided since getting to know you that he would like to give things a shot, then this will be his opportunity to tell you.

If you really like him then I don't think you should just end things without telling him why. You might always look back and think "what if". At least this way you'll know.

mid30slady

I'm SO confused....at my age lol!!
He is the type of guy I go for when I want a relationship, and I just don't want to come across as being needy and scaring him off (if he definitely is single!) Hence why I am voicing all my insecurities here

timmy880

Sorry but he said he doesn't want anything heavy (which is basically no relationship) and ye have only been on 5 dates. Sounds to me like you want a relationship and you are already looking up his ex's on Facebook? You said you are afraid of being "messed around" but he has given a clear indication that he doesn't want anything serious so either you accept this and enjoy the dates (and stop looking into the past) or leave now before you end up having your feelings hurt here.

laserlad2010

Hey OP,

Ignore the stuff about checking up ex's. It's a purely inquisitive thing to do - and your concerns are valid.

However, I feel that you're reading too much into this. It's only been a few dates. Maybe float the idea of something more serious but I'm not sure you'll get the answer you want.

A word of advice though - openly confront the fact that if you have sex with him it may lead nowhere. If you're not ok with that, do not have sex with him. Otherwise it will end in hurt.

Sound Bite

Facebook should never have anything to do with decision making.

The fact that you are looking up her profile I can just about understand but that fact you are obsessing about it and commenting on her figure seems to indicate insecurity and self esteem issues.

You are in your 30s, you should be able to have honest, open conversations with him even though it's early days. If you want different things, move on but at the same time it's only 5 dates, it might be a bit soon to make up your mind.

Relax

power pants

As several have said, he doesnt want a proper relationship, he has told you this. You are essentially wasting your time and setting yourself up for a fall.

As for the FB thing, its understandable you were curious, think a lot of people do this but could be 1001 reasons as to why she has that status

mid30slady

Thanks guys.
I was very upfront about no one nighters! I just don't do them. He put no pressure on me and hasn't mentioned it since.
My confidence had taken a bruising recently, I see happy couples around me and I do ask myself at times, what is wrong with me that I can't have that too. But she is a stunning girl in her pictures.
Maybe I'm just too insecure at the moment to try meeting a guy.

CloudCumulus

Sure look, if she is so good looking you probably are yourself. But you'll only lose your self confidence if you keep comparing yourself to others.
I get really mad at myself when I look at people I went to school with all with good careers and I'm just floating around wondering what to do in my late 20s, cause it only knocks my confidence.
I hate the whole relationship status on fb anyway.

LegacyUser

Have to agree with posters here,take no notice of Facebook. I still have pictures and tagged events with my ex.
The way I see it is I have nothing to hide,he's in my past

pookie82

First off OP, I think it's normal enough when you meet someone new to do the old Facebook scope on them. Show me a girl/guy who hasn't gotten curious about the social media trail of someone new's life before them. It's all too easy to access. It's not jealousy or insecurity, it's human "nosiness", for want of a better word, and like in your case, it's often to try and get a wider pic of who you're seeing/their past, etc.

This is where it gets messy, though, because we ALL know fb only shows the good stuff, for the majority of people. You mention she looks stunning in a photo of them together - she was at a wedding? People generally try to look like the absolute best version of themselves at events like that. I'm sure that's not what she looked like first thing in the morning. If you could see occasion pics that I've uploaded versus my bare head on a Sunday at 9am you'd get my drift! So don't get sucked into comparisons or thinking you don't match up.

Also, beware that comments/likes/photos can give a very skewed version of reality. When I first started seeing a guy a few years back and looked at his page (before we were friends on it) I saw his ex comment under a recent public pic complimenting him. For all the world it looked like there was still something between them and I could have written him off there and then, but in fact it turned out they were just trying to remain mates and it was a harmless remark. These things can magnify when you don't know the context.

On the issue of her relationship status and the photos - neither mean they're still together. I went through a break up a few years ago and purposely didn't change the "status" because the only way to do so is to change it back to "single", which then pops up as a notification for your 300+ friends to see, as if you're shining a light beam to the world that your relationship has failed. I simply "hid" it altogether instead. This girl hasn't done that, but that doesn't mean much. She could be in a new relationship, or she just didn't want to advertise on social media that this one had gone belly up. Ditto re the photos - she just hasn't deleted them and may never do so!

I'd be cautious about looking too much at her page, though. FB algorithms have been shown to push "page stalkers" as "people you may know", so you might pop up in her suggestions and it may be clear over time that you were checking her out. Don't let it become an obsession.

The best way forward is to simply "ask" him what the deal is. Have a conversation about what he really wants from this, be honest about what you want, ask if he's over her/ready to move on. His reaction should tell you a lot more than some random pics and posts.

Calypso Realm

pookie82 wrote: »

I'd be cautious about looking too much at her page, though. FB algorithms have been shown to push "page stalkers" as "people you may know", so you might pop up in her suggestions and it may be clear over time that you were checking her out. Don't let it become an obsession

Interesting you should say this because this is a conclusion I (and a few friends) have come to over the years as well. I've never read about it anywhere in black and white though.

Jimmy Bottlehead

mid30slady wrote: »

Thanks guys.
I was very upfront about no one nighters! I just don't do them. He put no pressure on me and hasn't mentioned it since.
My confidence had taken a bruising recently, I see happy couples around me and I do ask myself at times, what is wrong with me that I can't have that too. But she is a stunning girl in her pictures.
Maybe I'm just too insecure at the moment to try meeting a guy.

Meh, behind every stunning single girl is the story of a guy who wasn't willing to put up with her shit. And vice versa.

Some people don't update Facebook much. Others aren't wised up to what their viewable info is. Others have forgotten what they've written.

Unless he's very hard to pin down, then he's likely single. But him saying he doesn't want anything heavy... that's a big question mark. Most people are willing to get into something heavy for the right person, so I'd recommend you laying your cards on the table as mentioned.

pookie82

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Interesting you should say this because this is a conclusion I (and a few friends) have come to over the years as well. I've never read about it anywhere in black and white though.

Facebook's official line is that there is no way whatsoever to see who's been looking at your profile, and technically, that's true.

But there have been a few instances now where it's occurred to me that the above is at play. Particularly when a friend of mine started seeing a new guy with no mutual friends/not tagged in anything together and he teased her a week later saying "so you were stalking my page, eh? You popped up in my friend suggestions this week ". She had been!

Or when I travelled home and ran into a distant neighbour I hadn't seen in years and the next day he popped up in my suggestions list. Pretty sure he had looked me up after our (very short) meeting and that's why he was there.

Now you could put it down to facebook recognising phone locations being close together for a certain period of time, or something, but that'd mean that every person who sat beside me for an hour in Starbucks would pop up in my list too, and I haven't noticed that happen!

That's why it'd be a good idea for the OP to stop checking and re checking her page.

mid30slady

Thanks guys for all your advice.
I looked at her page twice so hopefully I won't show up!!! I feel a bit more reassured from your stories that it may not be a definite that they are together.
He instigates texts etc - and they are morning/noon/night so during the week he seems to be free. I'm not too available
I didn't meet him last night but might suggest a coffee during the week.
If I meet him I will just say I'm not putting ANY pressure on him - if he isn't looking for anything but casual that it's best to leave it be, I just don't want to get hurt if it goes any further. I know it's always a risk but if he's not in the same place as me then it is best to leave it.

CloudCumulus

Reading this, I sometimes wish I was on the dating scene again, that fuzzy feeling when you get texts from people you foooncy

CaraMay

mid30slady wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your advice.
I looked at her page twice so hopefully I won't show up!!! I feel a bit more reassured from your stories that it may not be a definite that they are together.
He instigates texts etc - and they are morning/noon/night so during the week he seems to be free. I'm not too available
I didn't meet him last night but might suggest a coffee during the week.
If I meet him I will just say I'm not putting ANY pressure on him - if he isn't looking for anything but casual that it's best to leave it be, I just don't want to get hurt if it goes any further. I know it's always a risk but if he's not in the same place as me then it is best to leave it.

But he's already told you he wants casual??

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

But he's already told you he wants casual??

He told her that at the start, but who knows what's going on in his head now. Many people start out saying that's what they want and then feelings develop.

She's right to lay her cards on the table, no point in her ending things now without giving a reason. She's not asking him to start a relationship with her...she's telling him that she's ending things because she wants a relationship and he doesn't. It will go one of two ways, but at least she'll have her answer.

CaraMay

ibarelycare wrote: »

He told her that at the start, but who knows what's going on in his head now. Many people start out saying that's what they want and then feelings develop.

She's right to lay her cards on the table, no point in her ending things now without giving a reason. She's not asking him to start a relationship with her...she's telling him that she's ending things because she wants a relationship and he doesn't. It will go one of two ways, but at least she'll have her answer.

They've been on 'a few dates' so it's still the start

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

They've been on 'a few dates' so it's still the start

So, she's still not asking him to do anything. She's ending things with him and she's telling him why. If he accepts her reason then they both move on with her lives.

CaraMay

mid30slady wrote: »

I will just say I'm not putting ANY pressure on him - if he isn't looking for anything but casual that it's best to leave it be,

That's asking him if it's gonna be casual IMHO

batmanrobin

CaraMay wrote: »

But he's already told you he wants casual??

Second this! OP, it's clear you really like this guy and I can appreciate that you hope things could work out. I just think it's a real messy situation to be getting involved in. He's told you he doesn't want serious.

If you want to lay your cards on the table, do so, but do it from a position of power. Tell him you like him but you're not looking for casual so it's best to end it. If he's changed his mind after the last 5 dates, he'll tell you quick enough.

ibarelycare

batmanrobin wrote: »

Second this! OP, it's clear you really like this guy and I can appreciate that you hope things could work out. I just think it's a real messy situation to be getting involved in. He's told you he doesn't want serious.

If you want to lay your cards on the table, do so, but do it from a position of power. Tell him you like him but you're not looking for casual so it's best to end it. If he's changed his mind after the last 5 dates, he'll tell you quick enough.

That's exactly what I was suggesting

But be prepared for disappointment OP. He's unlikely to have changed his mind so quickly.

mid30slady

Thanks guys. I was talking to him on the phone earlier - I did agree to meet tomorrow night or Saturday. I think its only 3 months over with the ex!
I said I'm not looking for casual hook ups! He said he knows, I have made that clear. I just hope that doesn't make him think I'm a challenge - there is chemistry but deep down I know I could really like him if we continue meeting.
I really need to walk away!

batmanrobin

ibarelycare wrote: »

That's exactly what I was suggesting

But be prepared for disappointment OP. He's unlikely to have changed his mind so quickly.

Couldn't remember who had posted it :-)

batmanrobin

mid30slady wrote: »

Thanks guys. I was talking to him on the phone earlier - I did agree to meet tomorrow night or Saturday. I think its only 3 months over with the ex!
I said I'm not looking for casual hook ups! He said he knows, I have made that clear. I just hope that doesn't make him think I'm a challenge - there is chemistry but deep down I know I could really like him if we continue meeting.
I really need to walk away!

Why should it matter if he sees you as a challenge?! He's told you very clearly he doesn't want serious. You saying you want serious but still engaging with him tells him you're not all that serious about what you're saying. Walk away if you're looking for a serious relationship. You're at an age to know better, OP. Honestly, why potentially put yourself through heartbreak that will be all your own doing?

njs030

batmanrobin wrote: »

Why should it matter if he sees you as a challenge?! He's told you very clearly he doesn't want serious. You saying you want serious but still engaging with him tells him you're not all that serious about what you're saying. Walk away if you're looking for a serious relationship. You're at an age to know better, OP. Honestly, why potentially put yourself through heartbreak that will be all your own doing?

This...100 times this!!
You're saying "well I've told him x so he should listen" while completely ignoring what he's telling you.

A man 3 months out of a relationship is not looking for a new one, you've said you know you'll end up getting feelings for him so why are you continuing?? You're the one who's going to get hurt when he inevitably walks away.

You seem to be ignoring every bit of advice given to you - he has told you he doesn't want a serious relationship, there's no hidden meaning, he's not going to magically change, he doesn't want it!!
It's been 5 dates,surely you can see it's crazy to have this much analysis on such a short dating period.

mid30slady

Thanks, I'm not ignoring it, just trying to tell myself to do the right thing for myself. Hard when I feel like there's chemistry there as I find it hard to find that with guys.
Sorry for the over analysis - just trying to clear things in my head.

beks101

Hands down the biggest mistake I made when I was single and dating was listening but not really hearing when a guy told me he wanted something casual/not serious/"not looking for a relationship".

The few times I heard it and chose to ignore it, or naively thought, "ah shur, let's just wait and see" or "the chemistry is too good, he'll come around"...were the single sources of the worst headfcuk and heartbreak I had throughout my 20s.

Because guess what? They never came around. They meant what they said. They were enjoying meeting different women or were still hung up on their exes or liked me, sort of, but not enough.

None of the guys I went on to have meaningful relationships ever came within spitting distance of telling me that they wanted something 'casual' or were 'not looking for a relationship' or any of that rhetoric. They wouldn't have dreamt of it. Not on the first date, not on the fifth date, not ever. Because it was to risk me walking away.

Now it's entirely possible he's being self-protective and guarded after his recent breakup blah blah blah, but anecdotally and I'd hazard a guess statistically the odds are against you. Most guys are simple about this stuff. And three months into a breakup is nothing. Do you really want the stress of wondering about the ex and wondering if you can change his mind and wondering, wondering, wondering?

batmanrobin wrote: »

If you want to lay your cards on the table, do so, but do it from a position of power. Tell him you like him but you're not looking for casual so it's best to end it. If he's changed his mind after the last 5 dates, he'll tell you quick enough.

This is the best advice I reckon. You're in your 30s, you have to be a bit more direct in the dating world at this stage. "Listen, I think you're great, and obviously at this stage neither of us knows which way this is going, but I'm not really in the market for someone who definitely 100 percent isn't open to anything meaningful happening. And that seems to be where you are." As Batmanrobin said, if he cares beyond a roll around in the hay, you'll find out fairly swiftly.

mid30slady

You know, I know deep down - if I was reading my post as an other, I would advise the same as you all have.
Living in a rural area where it is really hard to meet guys - especially guys I'm really attracted to - has been clouding my judgement but I know you are all right.
Meeting up tomorrow so I'll say it in person that there's no point continuing.
Thanks for all the advice.