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An impossible situation

2

Comments

  • #32
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

    Ivan Yates deliberately trolls to provoke a reaction.

    I heard that piece on Newstalk and I couldnt believe how ignorant and narrow minded he sounded.

    Theres a big difference between travelling in youth, broadening the mind and learning to rely on yourself and living on a shoestring than waiting til retirement and basically having "holidays" as opposed to truly immersing yourself in another culture by working and living it.


  • #33
    HelgaWard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 568 ✭✭✭HelgaWard


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

    Don't agree with this at all. You are not going to have the same carefree, crazy, fun experience at 67 as you would at 24. You are not going to be happy to stay in a $10 a night, windowless room on the Khao san road, or head to the airport in the middle of the night to hop on the next available cheap flight. Life is for living now, not putting off until it's the 'right' time. The original poster wants to travel, she wants to live in a foreign country, she should go for it. A good partner will not want to deny the person they love anything. Her boyfriend should want her to experience everything she wants to experience. There is no reason why she could not go for a year and he could plan to come out and visit for a prolonged holiday.


  • #34
    PressRun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,198 ✭✭✭PressRun


    Yeah, saying that it's better to travel when you're old and retired is some of the worst nonsense I've heard lately. Travelling when you're young broadens your mind, forces you grow up and get some independence, and on top of that, it's great craic. An unforgettable experience for a young person. These things should be done when you're young and relatively responsibility-free.


  • #35
    mitresize5
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,005 ✭✭✭mitresize5


    OP - I was on your boyfriends side of the equation many moons ago.

    Was seeing a girl for 5 years in my early 20's, two of which she was an unbelievable support to me during the worst time of my life.

    She wanted to go travelling, I due to my life experience was in a rush to get a career, house, family etc .....

    In the end we parted and it was the right thing to do. If she went and I stayed I'd have forever had it in my mind that I was the one who made the sacrifice to build a life for us. If she didn't she'd have held it against me.

    Oddly enough not doing the few years travelling it is my only regret in life but at the time I was determined to catch up on what I felt I had missed out on career

    I'd say go and scratch your itch .... you'll be long enough paying bills and working ......


  • #36
    cactusgal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

    In a perfect world, sure. That was my father's plan, he worked six days a week, 50 weeks a year and saved up a good bit of money so that he could take early retirement. Had loads of travel plans.

    My mother got early onset Alzheimer's a year later, and he has spent his retirement looking after her.

    Life is a speedy and precious gift, and youth and good health are not to be taken for granted.

    Also - your relationships with your friends are important, too, not just your relationship with your boyfriend. Another thing I learned from my folks is that just being one half of a couple is not enough. You need to keep up with your friends, bc if anything even happens to your partner, you need to have good friends.


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  • #37
    YouWotM8
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25 ✭YouWotM8


    Hi all,

    Thanks so much for the advice. I've been riddled with guilt for feeling this way and he's been so caring because he must sense there's something on my mind
    tara73 wrote: »
    I think your bf is quite selfish and doesn't invest too much in this relationship. to put that pressure on you if you go it will be over is quite harsh in my opinion. that's no real love in my view..

    I know a lot of people where one part went abroad during studies or even when working and there was never the strain in first place to end it. surely most of them were a bit afraid it could go that way when being apart for a longer time and having that physical distance between them. the possibility one or the other could meet somebody in the meantime was daunting on all of them but I don't know of anybody who seperated beforehand just because there's this possibility.

    I know some of them also saw it as kind of a a good 'test' to see how stable and solid their relationship is.
    I think it's it's kind of sad why he can' t maybe see it that way, let you go and see how it goes?

    I understand his point that he's annoyed to give up the place you rent together. but as suggested, can't you pay the rent for three month or is it possible to get a friend/flatmate in for the time? I'm sure there's a solution to this.

    All in all, if I would be you, I would do your traveling because you said yourself, if you don't go you will resent him at some stage in your life for keeping you from doing it.

    He flat out refuses to do long distance or go. He can be very insecure and I think he'd be afraid that surrounded by alot of guys over in Oz would plague on his mind. Like your friend's partner did!

    I'm afraid to ask for more compromise in case he just thinks he's being unfair to me and calls it off for my sake in his opinion.
    Magicmatilda wrote: »
    Which is probably true. But that should be OK. You are 24 and all your friends are heading off. It sounds like he feels that if the above is true then it is because he is not good enough or something. Which may not be the case. But it sounds like he is making it all about him. If he is insecure that he is not enough then he needs to look at that, not use it to stop you from travelling for one year, which in the great scheme of things is not that long. He could go over for a holiday at the 6 month point. Loving someone is about allowing them to grow and nurturing them. Which he is not doing here.

    I also find it concerning that he won't even discuss options with you. Like you mention it and he just says "oh well, I am not enough" and then shuts down. Maybe I am wrong and its not like that. But if it is then that is not a healthy method of communicating.

    I went travelling with a friend when we were 22. She was living with her BF who she was with since 16. They didn't break up for it. Within weeks of us leaving in Oct he had booked to come out the following March and travel the last 3 months with her. They are now married with 3 kids. So it can work if the couple really want it to. It sounds like he doesn't though.

    Yeah it can be frustrating, as if he thinks I want to go off to start a new life, whereas I see it as just a bit of a prolonged J1 if I went for even half a year. He doesn't shut down so much as gets sad thinking that I want to move my life away from what we have now. Which essentially is a life we could lead for 40 more years.

    Simply put my BF won't leave the dog, though he won't say it. She's his pride and joy and he won't entertain leaving her for longer than a few weeks. Hence why if he wants to move abroad it has to be for good so she can come with us. I love the dog but this frustrates me.
    SarahMollie wrote: »
    TBH OP, I think your BF is afraid of losing you so it taking a hard-line position in an attempt to force you to stay.

    Truth is that travel broadens the mind and that you may not be the same person when you get back. You might be more confident and independent. He probably knows this and fears how this would effect the balance of your relationship so is therfore giving you an ultimatum in effect.

    Its not always possible to pick up where you left off.

    I feel this too. It's very black and white to him. He experienced all of this on his travels. But I have no intention of splitting up if I were to go. It's his decision.
    allwhowander wrote: »
    OP I was in the similar situation as you once, going out with a guy since I was 19, mad about each other. We both foresaw marriage, babies, the whole package. When I was 23, I was offered the opportunity to go travel the world. My bf had just started a good job so couldn't leave or take long holidays. I opted not to go, even though I was mad for travelling. Instead I took a job close to my bf and did the three week holidays once a year. All my close friends went travelling or immigrated to Australia for awhile. No matter how hard I tried I resented him for it, through no fault of his own, he had never tried to stop me going, but I loved him too much to leave.

    Fast forward 3 years and my bf dumped me out of the blue. I found myself alone, still with the urge to travel, and no one to go with, as all my friends, and even acquaintances had theirs done. Finally I accepted that, at this stage, if I wanted to travel I would have to do so alone. Luckily, on my first trip away I met a girl in a similar situation as me and am now preparing to head off travelling the world with her for 6 months.

    My advice to you OP is to go. You never know whats going to happen in the future and as someone once said to me "You never hear a person say they regretted travelling". The longer you leave it the harder it'll get - leaving your bf, your family, your friends, even your job, and it'll be difficult to find people to travel with. As I see it, if you and your boyfriend are truly meant to be together, you'll overcome it and make it work

    Thanks allwhowander. i was hoping to get the insight of someone who stayed for love. You've given me a lot to think about.

    Can I ask did he say anything to prevent you from going or was this simply because you didn't want to be away from him?
    frostyjacks wrote: »
    They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

    Thank you for your input. I'd like to disagree though in saying that my BF looks back very fondly on his travelling adventure and the hundreds (literally) of happy FB photos are a testament to this.
    intheclouds wrote: »
    Why cant there be some compromise?

    Could he take a career break and go with you for 6 months? Then do long distance for another 6 months, giving you a year travelling? Or even 4 months and 4 months - that way you would be compromising on the length of time?

    I think that you are BOTH very young, but ultimately you have to do the things you want to do in life or you will regret it otherwise.

    He simply won't. He thinks it's too long or too far to maintain a relationship. I respect his opinion but I'm certain he's paranoid that his mind will wander while I'm gone. Something I've never given him reason to do.

    He has no interest in long term travel after living abroad for his J1. It was a very sunny state and he got to live there for four months on the beach. So now I think he has no appetite to do it again. Plus he now has a dog he refuses to leave her for a few months.
    mitresize5 wrote: »
    OP - I was on your boyfriends side of the equation many moons ago.

    Was seeing a girl for 5 years in my early 20's, two of which she was an unbelievable support to me during the worst time of my life.

    She wanted to go travelling, I due to my life experience was in a rush to get a career, house, family etc .....

    In the end we parted and it was the right thing to do. If she went and I stayed I'd have forever had it in my mind that I was the one who made the sacrifice to build a life for us. If she didn't she'd have held it against me.

    Oddly enough not doing the few years travelling it is my only regret in life but at the time I was determined to catch up on what I felt I had missed out on career

    I'd say go and scratch your itch .... you'll be long enough paying bills and working ......

    That was brave of you. I think you were in my boyfriend's current mindset. Though not for a career, more just to leave it than work on long distance.

    Can I ask. Did she regret leaving you at all on her travels? And did you both not try to rekindle after her return?

    Thanks guys. I know in my heart I want to go but I don't think I'm ready to deal with the consequences.


  • #38
    Cupcake_Crisis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,448 ✭✭✭✭Cupcake_Crisis


    Hey OP,

    As much as your bf is entitled to not want to go travelling, you are entitled to want to go. As someone who is currently living abroad, it's a fantastic experience and worth every second.

    That said, I didn't have to leave a partner behind. Missing out on an experience like that will only breed resentment. While I can understand him not wanting to do long distance, that doesn't mean you have to completely remove each other for your lives.

    I think you know in your heart or hearts what you want to do. It's a tricky situation, but you only get one life.


  • #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Myself and my boyfriend (now husband and father to our kids!) went on J1s to opposite sides of the States very shortly after we got together age 22. We made it work, somehow and are still together.

    A friend of mine never went on a J1 but her OH did while in college (before he got together with her) . Fast forward a few years, they were in a relationship and she took 3 month leave from work to go backpacking around Asia with some work colleagues, while he stayed here in Ireland. She is now married to the same guy, and their first child is a year old.

    Do you have to go live in Oz for a long period? Could you adjust your plans slightly? Can you at least discuss options with him? You are actually both very young (I'm in my early 30s btw!) and one of the first things that struck me on reading your post is that 24 is quite young to be moved in and settled down with a boyfriend for almost as year already. I actually think the "itch" is just going to get worse for you and really, he needs to at least have a few sensible discussions with you about it all. It can be done and can work if the effort is put into it.


  • #40
    red one
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19 ✭red one


    You said that your family and friends have encouraged you to go. Is there something more to this? Could they be thinking that you are perhaps too young to be so settled down?


  • #41
    HiGlo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 561 ✭✭✭HiGlo


    It’s a very tough call alright, but I think you’re at the perfect age to head off to Australia with your friends. I went when I was a little older (26) and I a lot older than most of the backpackers you meet…
    I can totally imagine how, from his perspective he reads it as he’s not enough for you – so if you do decide to go ahead and travel I think this will be an important factor in your communication with him surrounding this… He needs to be reassured that you’re not going looking for a better life – just some cool experiences in different places…. I would think that you need to be very sure of your motivation for travelling and communicate that to him over and over so he doesn’t feel you’re packing in what you guys have.

    I’m someone who had the itch and had to go travelling in my 20’s. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time so it was an easier decision for me. I absolutely loved every second and I always vehemently recommend to others to do it. It’s a once in a lifetime experience to head off backpacking and basically being on holidays for a year or whatever. I’ve done some amazing things and had amazing experiences and met some awesome people – some who were like family to me for 6/8 months…. I have great stories to tell and great memories to disappear off into on a daydream. I’m definitely on the side of the fence of “do it!”…. But I’m not ignorant to the sacrifice you’re making.

    I think the suggestion of following your friends out or even just heading out for a few months to start with and see how you get on. At the end of the day, you might discover that you’re a home bird and miss your boyfriend/family too much and it’s not worth it and you want to go home – you just never know!

    When I went travelling one of the girls I travelled with was in a relationship and it was a tough decision for her. She came out with us with the intention of staying about 8 months. As it happened her boyfriend had a family bereavement so she went home, but she came back again (unfortunately she then had her own family bereavement so that was the end of her trip), but they are going strong as a couple. Married with a little boy (it’s 10 years since we went travelling). Also, another friend of mine really wanted to travel so left her boyfriend at home and came out to Oz on her own. She had a ball and he ended up following her out and joining her for a month or two and they went home together. Still together too, married with 3 children.

    I think, for me, the most important thing in this decision will be your communication with your boyfriend. Make sure that he has no doubt that this is about you, not him or the two of you as a couple. Reassure him that you are not giving up on you guys.


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  • #42
    YouWotM8
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25 ✭YouWotM8


    adfg wrote: »
    Myself and my boyfriend (now husband and father to our kids!) went on J1s to opposite sides of the States very shortly after we got together age 22. We made it work, somehow and are still together.

    A friend of mine never went on a J1 but her OH did while in college (before he got together with her) . Fast forward a few years, they were in a relationship and she took 3 month leave from work to go backpacking around Asia with some work colleagues, while he stayed here in Ireland. She is now married to the same guy, and their first child is a year old.

    Do you have to go live in Oz for a long period? Could you adjust your plans slightly? Can you at least discuss options with him? You are actually both very young (I'm in my early 30s btw!) and one of the first things that struck me on reading your post is that 24 is quite young to be moved in and settled down with a boyfriend for almost as year already. I actually think the "itch" is just going to get worse for you and really, he needs to at least have a few sensible discussions with you about it all. It can be done and can work if the effort is put into it.

    I would gladly discuss options with him but as soon as I bring it up again I'm effectively screwed. He's a very hard person to have these conversations with him that hint that we won't be a perfect couple forever.

    As soon as I bring it up he'll have a fit, then come back and talk about it. I doubt there will be compromise.
    red one wrote: »
    You said that your family and friends have encouraged you to go. Is there something more to this? Could they be thinking that you are perhaps too young to be so settled down?

    Alot of my family settled down earlier and I think my parents and friends don't want me to miss out on life's experiences. They love my BF but they're very aware of how young we are effectively acting like a much older couple.
    HiGlo wrote: »
    It’s a very tough call alright, but I think you’re at the perfect age to head off to Australia with your friends. I went when I was a little older (26) and I a lot older than most of the backpackers you meet…
    I can totally imagine how, from his perspective he reads it as he’s not enough for you – so if you do decide to go ahead and travel I think this will be an important factor in your communication with him surrounding this… He needs to be reassured that you’re not going looking for a better life – just some cool experiences in different places…. I would think that you need to be very sure of your motivation for travelling and communicate that to him over and over so he doesn’t feel you’re packing in what you guys have.

    I’m someone who had the itch and had to go travelling in my 20’s. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time so it was an easier decision for me. I absolutely loved every second and I always vehemently recommend to others to do it. It’s a once in a lifetime experience to head off backpacking and basically being on holidays for a year or whatever. I’ve done some amazing things and had amazing experiences and met some awesome people – some who were like family to me for 6/8 months…. I have great stories to tell and great memories to disappear off into on a daydream. I’m definitely on the side of the fence of “do it!”…. But I’m not ignorant to the sacrifice you’re making.

    I think the suggestion of following your friends out or even just heading out for a few months to start with and see how you get on. At the end of the day, you might discover that you’re a home bird and miss your boyfriend/family too much and it’s not worth it and you want to go home – you just never know!

    When I went travelling one of the girls I travelled with was in a relationship and it was a tough decision for her. She came out with us with the intention of staying about 8 months. As it happened her boyfriend had a family bereavement so she went home, but she came back again (unfortunately she then had her own family bereavement so that was the end of her trip), but they are going strong as a couple. Married with a little boy (it’s 10 years since we went travelling). Also, another friend of mine really wanted to travel so left her boyfriend at home and came out to Oz on her own. She had a ball and he ended up following her out and joining her for a month or two and they went home together. Still together too, married with 3 children.

    I think, for me, the most important thing in this decision will be your communication with your boyfriend. Make sure that he has no doubt that this is about you, not him or the two of you as a couple. Reassure him that you are not giving up on you guys.

    Thanks HiGlo, some excellent advice on how to approach it. I know in my heart now that even if for a few months, I have to do this. I'm going to try everything in my power to make him feel like this is just about me getting this out of my system rather than fancying a different life away from him. It's going to be tough. He will not take it well.

    I'm going to tell him tomorrow. He's out with friends tonight and I don't want to ruin his evening.

    Wish me luck guys. Pretty scared all together.


  • #43
    Witchie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    Best of luck!


  • #44
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭tara73


    well done on making this decision!!! you are doing the right thing. don't let yourself be dragged down too much if he reacts nasty and tries to make you feel bad.

    as said I don't think his behaviour is that of a real loving one...


  • #45
    YouWotM8
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25 ✭YouWotM8


    So I know how annoying it is when people don't see these threads to their conclusion...

    So I told him this morning as calmly as I could. That I love him and our life and I want a future, but I need to do this for myself or it will destroy us in the future.

    He did not take it well.

    Flipped out telling me it's over. I tried to explain that I'll pay the rent and return I just wanted a calm discussion on compromise.

    He said their's no compromise. It's over. He's moving to London to be with his friend. He's cancelling the lease tomorrow. I know he's lashing out but he was very assured in his words once he calmed down. I'm happy in how I communicated that I in no way want to end us. That it's just something a lot of other couples deal with in youth and it's a short amount of time in the grand scheme of our life together.

    He said it's absolutely black and white and to go abroad and we can try again when I'm back, maybe. I went home to my mothers to give him space and said if he's willing to reach a compromise once the news settles to contact me.

    So, that's done. I'm happy with how i handled it. **** situation but I won't live my life festering resentment that will hurt him more.

    Thank you all so much for the amazing advice and insight. You've given me the courage to fulfill my dreams.


  • #46
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    God he sounds awful. Looks like you had a lucky escape


  • #47
    Witchie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    CaraMay wrote: »
    God he sounds awful. Looks like you had a lucky escape

    Am not sure that is entirely fair. The guy is having difficulty seeing how it would work and overreacted. Maybe when things calm down for him and he chats to a few people about it, he will see how unreasonable he was and things could still work out fine.

    Well done OP. Now start planning your trip so that you don't change your mind and let him know when you are going, when you intend coming back and tell him that you love him, won't be cheating on him and when you come home you will be ready to look at your lives together again.

    Best of luck and enjoy your adventures.....I am planning on heading off myself in September so if you bump into an auld woman travelling on her own, say hi!


  • #48
    OU812
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,093 ✭✭✭OU812


    Well done. Go now, travel & see the world. Have many adventures and be assured you'll grow as a person & realise that it was always meant to be this way.


  • #49
    Conor Bourke
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 17,426 ✭✭✭✭Conor Bourke


    Witchie wrote: »
    Am not sure that is entirely fair. The guy is having difficulty seeing how it would work and overreacted. Maybe when things calm down for him and he chats to a few people about it, he will see how unreasonable he was and things could still work out fine.

    He's had his fun, done his travels, doesn't want her to experience something similar and appears to care more about leaving his dog than her leaving him?

    It sounds fair enough to me.


  • #50
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    Great decision. Best of luck with it.

    If you are right for each other you might get back together when the time is right. I know plenty of couples who broke up young only to get back together in later years.

    Could be concerned about his communication and stubbornness though.


  • #51
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He's cancelling the lease and moving to London to be with his friend.

    Is the dog going too? Or does the dog even feature in this sudden move - that can apparently be done so easily? The dog that apparently was such a decider for travelling further afield??

    Jeez OP, fair play to you. You sound very mature, and I know you're probably hurting. Hang in there, you are still so young and have so much life ahead of you. I know I will sound very cliched no matter what I say, but enjoy your travels. You regret more the things in life that you don't do than the things in life that you do, and I feel you would have regretted it greatly if you didn't at least try this. Best of luck to you and take all the opportunities it offers :) .


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  • #52
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    After you were honest with him that you wanted to travel he got thick. He now can suddenly move to London. What about the dog he could not leave for more than a few weeks?

    Your doing the right thing by going traveling. He expected you to be happy staying in Ireland and living with him when he knew you wanted to travel.

    Being honest he sounds very immature. He wants everything his way with no compromise. The reality is that your both young. I saw people rushing into relationships in there early to mid 20's. You met them 10 years later and you ask them about him/her to hear that they broke up, got married and then broke up or that him/her went off with someone else.

    You may have got a warning of what things would be like if things were not going his way. I would start to plan my trip and if you meet someone on your travels so be it. Traveling will give you some great and not so great experiences along with broading you outlook. I would be in no rush to go back to him after this or after you come back from travling either.


  • #53
    groovyg
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,049 ✭✭✭groovyg


    Op I don't understand how its come to this conclusion. In your earlier posts you said he was a real home bird and he had done all his travelling. I got the impression from your earlier posts, as was very attached to his dog he wouldn't go work abroad or travel.
    Over one argument he's split up with you and he is moving to London!! None of this makes sense. Was he looking for an excuse to break up with you? When you consider that things /opportunities that you have sacrificed for him and this relationship he sounds incredibly immature, no discussion, no compromise just throws all his toys out of the pram.


  • #54
    DB01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 51 ✭✭DB01


    Sorry to say but he sounds very selfish and immature. I wonder how his friend in London feels! You're definitely doing the right thing going travelling. I'm glad you didn't change your mind when you saw his reaction, he sounds like a spoilt brat.


  • #55
    00sully
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,267 ✭✭✭00sully


    OP you have every right to go and fulfill your wishes. I think you could have handled it a little better for your OH knowing how he felt though. You probably should have broken up with him tbh.

    His (over)reaction is somewhat understandable given you both say you are in love. It might have made it easier to end it and take away some of the pressure from him given it was your decision to leave.

    Difficult one and no easy solution unfortunately given you do effectively want to leave him. Best of luck!


  • #56
    Alf Veedersane
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,774 ✭✭✭✭Alf Veedersane


    00sully wrote: »
    OP you have every right to go and fulfill your wishes. I think you could have handled it a little better for your OH knowing how he felt though. You probably should have broken up with him tbh.

    His (over)reaction is somewhat understandable given you both say you are in love. It might have made it easier to end it and take away some of the pressure from him given it was your decision to leave.

    Difficult one and no easy solution unfortunately given you do effectively want to leave him. Best of luck!

    Yeah, it's the OP's fault that he took it like a spoilt child and she should have pre-empted that and just dumped him despite not wanting to end it.

    The OP had hoped he would take it better. Yes he might be upset but would understand she needed to do it. She didn't want to end it.


  • #57
    00sully
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,267 ✭✭✭00sully


    Alf Veedersane wrote: »
    Yeah, it's the OP's fault that he took it like a spoilt child and she should have pre-empted that and just dumped him despite not wanting to end it.

    The OP had hoped he would take it better. Yes he might be upset but would understand she needed to do it. She didn't want to end it.

    I never mentioned fault. Nor did I say to pre empt anything. She already knew how he felt before she made her mind up.

    I do think she could have been a little more understanding and taken control of the situation. There's 2 sides here I don't think either should be vilified given the admitted positive feelings involved and the undisputed unavoidable hurt to both sides.

    The person making the change to a loving situation for the worse to the other party should imo take more responsibility however hard that may be.


  • #58
    Alf Veedersane
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,774 ✭✭✭✭Alf Veedersane


    00sully wrote: »
    I never mentioned fault. Nor did I say to pre empt anything. She already knew how he felt before she made her mind up.

    I do think she could have been a little more understanding and taken control of the situation. There's 2 sides here I don't think either should be vilified given the admitted positive feelings involved and the undisputed unavoidable hurt to both sides.

    The person making the change to a loving situation for the worse to the other party should imo take more responsibility however hard that may be.

    Breaking up with him isn't handling it better though. It doesn't really defuse anything or take control of it.

    She's taking responsibility for doing something that makes her happy and which he should be able to accept even if it's the last thing he wants. His actions aren't of someone who has someone he's supposed to love at heart.

    I know what you're saying but I don't think you can say that she could have acted in any way that would have resulted in him behaving anyway rationally, by the sounds of it


  • #59
    00sully
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,267 ✭✭✭00sully


    Alf Veedersane wrote: »
    Breaking up with him isn't handling it better though. It doesn't really defuse anything or take control of it.

    She's taking responsibility for doing something that makes her happy and which he should be able to accept even if it's the last thing he wants. His actions aren't of someone who has someone he's supposed to love at heart.

    I know what you're saying but I don't think you can say that she could have acted in any way that would have resulted in him behaving anyway rationally, by the sounds of it

    I agree, no handling would likely result in a complete rationale response. But the thread title is "an impossible situation" & OP knew in advance as her OH said what would happen if she left so from the first read it was obvious to me at least how he would react in a general sense.

    I think the way most likely to result in a less heated situation was for her to end it. Difficult I know but it would have taken some element of heat out of the situation since it would be hard for him to accept why she's leaving given the feelings involved.

    No right or wrong I guess, but I think he's being unfairly viewed here and she could have made it ever so slightly easier on him which I think he deserves. Again, this is based on the admitted feelings and life they are currently leading.


  • #60
    Alf Veedersane
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,774 ✭✭✭✭Alf Veedersane


    00sully wrote: »
    I agree, no handling would likely result in a complete rationale response. But the thread title is "an impossible situation" & OP knew in advance as her OH said what would happen if she left so from the first read it was obvious to me at least how he would react in a general sense.

    I think the way most likely to result in a less heated situation was for her to end it. Difficult I know but it would have taken some element of heat out of the situation since it would be hard for him to accept why she's leaving given the feelings involved.

    No right or wrong I guess, but I think he's being unfairly viewed here and she could have made it ever so slightly easier on him which I think he deserves. Again, this is based on the admitted feelings and life they are currently leading.

    I don't really think he's being viewed unfairly. Of course he's never going to be happy about it bit he has never tried to understand her side of it and has had his time traveling yet has a major issue with the OP taking some time away.

    I didn't expect him to be happy about it and never would expect anything other than being upset. But you can't really excuse his behaviour when it came down to it.

    Especially considering part of his reaction was to up sticks and leave, something he said he couldn't do when it was put to him to join the OP abroad.


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  • #61
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Alf Veedersane wrote: »
    I don't really think he's being viewed unfairly. Of course he's never going to be happy about it bit he has never tried to understand her side of it and has had his time traveling yet has a major issue with the OP taking some time away.

    I didn't expect him to be happy about it and never would expect anything other than being upset. But you can't really excuse his behaviour when it came down to it.

    Especially considering part of his reaction was to up sticks and leave, something he said he couldn't do when it was put to him to join the OP abroad.

    Exactly my thinking. He sounds very immature and controlling


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