An impossible situation

YouWotM8

Hi guys,

a bit of background. I'm a girl, 24 seeing my boyfriend, 26 for 5 years now. I met him just as he was finished college and I was in the middle of my studies.

To repeat what a lot of people on these forums say, I truly believe we are perfect for each other minus the odd spat and fight. Love the same things, etc. We truly do love each other with all of our hearts.

Sadly, a creeping problem has been emerging and I feel like I'm at an impossible crossroads. Since I met my boyfriend so young, I decided to forgo a J1 during college. I don't regret this at all since we have shared many happy trips during our relationship. however, all of my close friends have now decided to see the world and are planning to work abroad for a year or 2. Many going to Australia.

I live with my boyfriend about 9 months now, and ever since it dawned on me that my closest friends are leaving on an adventure, I feel this ever growing tension that I should be doing so too. I've always wanted to live and work for a year in a sunny country and get everything I could from the experience.

I have expressed to my boyfriend would he want to work abroad for a year . He made it clear under no circumstances that he does not wish to travel. If we were to emigrate he would want it to be for good. He said that if I were to go he would want me to decide now and not in a year, causing him further hurt. I feel he has the right to feel this way. He would not do long distance but if we were still single when I was back we could try again.

I feel so torn. We have a nice home and his dog lives with us. I fear if I miss this opportunity this is what I'll be doing for the next few years with no prospect of working abroad. He went on his j1 during college and he absolutely loved it but got terrible homesickness. And he would miss his dog terrible (staying in his mothers) if he were to leave which I understand.

We are planning to backpack through Europe for 3 weeks at some point. I feel this would be an amazing experience but falling short of what I really dreamed of.

One thing I can't wrap my head around is that he feels like all my friends are single and travelling because they haven't found the person they want to settle down with. I found this a very unfair thing to say but it could be a selfish opinion. He is everything I every wanted, but I don't want to resent him if down the line it didn't work out and I threw away an amazing chance. Or I could just fall to grass is greener syndrome and throw everything away.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I feel trapped in my own head over this so any opinions would be welcome.

Thanks all

IrishAlice

I won't give an opinion on this because really you know in your heart what you want to do.

Reading your story though reminds me so much of myself so I'll tell you what I did.

I was in a 5 year relationship in my early 20's and loved my boyfriend more than anything. I always had the niggling feeling that I wanted to get out and see some of the world and spend some time living in another country.

I went away for a year and we kept our relationship going long distance. I came home to Ireland for this person and unfortunately a short time later he broke up with me.

It was one of the hardest times in my life but one thing I will say is that I never regretted taking the plunge and going travelling. I followed my dreams and it made me into the person I am now.

Trust your instincts, you know yourself better than anyone else. Make your choice either way, be happy with it and don't ever think about the what if's

Everything happens for a reason and I've learned that through my own experiences

pkvader

Going back 10 years ago my partner and I were in a similar position,she wanted to go travelling for a year with her friends,I was a few years older and in a stable job.We sat down one night and just came up with a plan,where she could go travelling and we wouldn't have to split up,just make it work.So basically at the halfway point in here travels I took 6 weeks off work and joined them,it was the best thing we ever did We're still together,happily married.

DB01

I think you should take your chances and go travelling. It's a risk but if you don't your relationship will likely suffer anyway as you'll have regrets and probably some resentment towards your boyfriend. You only get one life, make the most of it.

groovyg

Did you give up J1 because you were going out with your boyfriend? Have you ever gone away on holidays without him or do you do everything together?
You are still very young would you go travelling by yourself or even join your friends where ever they have emigrated to for six months.

YouWotM8 wrote: »

One thing I can't wrap my head around is that he feels like all my friends are single and travelling because they haven't found the person they want to settle down with. I found this a very unfair thing to say but it could be a selfish opinion. He is everything I every wanted, but I don't want to resent him if down the line it didn't work out and I threw away an amazing chance.

This is very narrow minded, moving abroad has nothing to do with not meeting the right person it's more they want to work /travel in different country, experience different cultures, etc. Also those that emigrated during the recession didn't do so because that hadn't met the right person they left because there were no jobs here and it was either that or the dole queue.

CaraMay

I think you would be crazy to leave and I think it was pretty unfair to move in with him and then decide to go traveling. I can understand why you would want to go but it should have been done before the commitment of moving in together. Where will he live when you are gone?

In saying that, i don't understand why he won't do long distance? Is he trying to force your hand?

listermint

I don't really get the 3 weeks travels part falling short of your expectations you should probably do the 3 weeks travelling part a go and see how you two get on. Sure he may love it and want to take it further or you may hate it and not want to.


It sounds like you are revolving your current decision around your friends imminent departure.

Your not on their timeline you are in your own.

Augme

CaraMay wrote: »

I think you would be crazy to leave and I think it was pretty unfair to move in with him and then decide to go traveling. I can understand why you would want to go but it should have been done before the commitment of moving in together. Where will he live when you are gone?

In saying that, i don't understand why he won't do long distance? Is he trying to force your hand?

I'd never do long distance either. For me being in a relationship actually involves seeing the person.

YouWotM8

IrishAlice wrote: »

I won't give an opinion on this because really you know in your heart what you want to do.

Reading your story though reminds me so much of myself so I'll tell you what I did.

I was in a 5 year relationship in my early 20's and loved my boyfriend more than anything. I always had the niggling feeling that I wanted to get out and see some of the world and spend some time living in another country.

I went away for a year and we kept our relationship going long distance. I came home to Ireland for this person and unfortunately a short time later he broke up with me.

It was one of the hardest times in my life but one thing I will say is that I never regretted taking the plunge and going travelling. I followed my dreams and it made me into the person I am now.

Trust your instincts, you know yourself better than anyone else. Make your choice either way, be happy with it and don't ever think about the what if's

Everything happens for a reason and I've learned that through my own experiences

To be honest I have a horrible fear of that. Or moreso, not going and something causes us to break up in the future. I'd never say a relationship is forever as we can never know what's in store for us. Thank you for your advice and I'm very happy you got to experience it all despite the hardship

pkvader wrote: »

Going back 10 years ago my partner and I were in a similar position,she wanted to go travelling for a year with her friends,I was a few years older and in a stable job.We sat down one night and just came up with a plan,where she could go travelling and we wouldn't have to split up,just make it work.So basically at the halfway point in here travels I took 6 weeks off work and joined them,it was the best thing we ever did We're still together,happily married.

I would suggest bringing this up to him but I'd fear he get upset and just tell me to go. He can be quite an emotional guy and I fear he would see this as me stringing him along. You sound very level headed and your wife is very lucky you're an understanding guy. It does sound like a fantastic idea and fair play for making it work for you guys!

DB01 wrote: »

I think you should take your chances and go travelling. It's a risk but if you don't your relationship will likely suffer anyway as you'll have regrets and probably some resentment towards your boyfriend. You only get one life, make the most of it.

Thank you for the advice. The risk is terrifying and I would hate to resent him despite my best efforts not to. I used to get a bit touchy when he used to talk of his j1 constantly so I'm not going to delude myself into thinking I wouldn't be jealous.

groovyg wrote: »

Did you give up J1 because you were going out with your boyfriend? Have you ever gone away on holidays without him or do you do everything together?
You are still very young would you go travelling by yourself or even join your friends where ever they have emigrated to for six months.

This is very narrow minded, moving abroad has nothing to do with not meeting the right person it's more they want to work /travel in different country, experience different cultures, etc. Also those that emigrated during the recession didn't do so because that hadn't met the right person they left because there were no jobs here and it was either that or the dole queue.

Basically yes. I was very young in crazy in love. He told me maybe I should go but was very happy I didn't. I take full responsibility for not taking the chance. I have a good circle of friends that I see frequently outside him who I have gone on holidays before, although not in the last few years I'll admit. Just short trips since.

My plan if I were to go and meet them for a year. There is a total of about 7 going to Australia over the next year at different times. More than anything I'd love him to join me but he's adamant, understandably.

I agree that it's not a nice way of looking at it. I feel he thinks I'm not content with the life we have and I'm looking for more which upsets him. I've tried communicating that I am happy with our life but we are still very young with alot of stories to make. There's plenty of time down the road for our perfect domestic quiet life. He doesn't feel the same and we should be settling now if I'm truly happy.

CaraMay wrote: »

I think you would be crazy to leave and I think it was pretty unfair to move in with him and then decide to go traveling. I can understand why you would want to go but it should have been done before the commitment of moving in together. Where will he live when you are gone?

In saying that, i don't understand why he won't do long distance? Is he trying to force your hand?

Thank you for a different kind of input. i'm glad this thread didn't turn out one sided.

Well, to be fair we both live about 20 minutes bus from each of our parents. I also want to stretch that I was 19 when I met him and busy with college and getting some first hand experience in the workforce. We moved in under a one year lease to see how we would get on. Simply put there was no right time before now and with all of my friends the same age going it seems to be now or never which makes the situation all the more stressful.

He simply thinks it won't work. Long distance is incredibly hard to be fair. In a manner, yes he is trying to force my hand in a "me or oz" way and "tell me now and not later". It might come off as unfair but he's trying to protect his feelings. I never want to urt him and I just wish he could be as understanding as the poster above.

listermint wrote: »

I don't really get the 3 weeks travels part falling short of your expectations you should probably do the 3 weeks travelling part a go and see how you two get on. Sure he may love it and want to take it further or you may hate it and not want to.


It sounds like you are revolving your current decision around your friends imminent departure.

Your not on their timeline you are in your own.

Don't get me wrong, backpacking for 3 weeks sounds so fun. But what I was trying to say was that I've always wanted to work in a sunny country. Like he did. He always wanted to go to his J1 destination and got to realize that dream. Before he met me. If I had the chance to do it before I met him I would have absolutely no issue with staying in Ireland.

I too hoped that his opinion would change, but he's done his travelling I believe.

And if I'm honest, yes. Its my friends leaving that is really putting the pressure on. By the time they're back they'll be ready to kickstart their careers and I still wouldn't have fulfilled my dream. But I'd be leaving behind someone amazing.

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it.

CaraMay

Augme wrote: »

I'd never do long distance either. For me being in a relationship actually involves seeing the person.

I would agree but it's strange he's willing to give up a 5 year relationship because she wants to go away for a few months. I think he's calling her bluff tbh

Op my friend was with a guy for 1 month when he went to oz and they made it work. 15 years later and they have 3 kids. It's doable but from what I've learned (the hard way), no amount of traveling makes up for a good relationship.

I can also understand why he wouldn't want to move back home after moving in with his gf. Who would?

YouWotM8

CaraMay wrote: »

I would agree but it's strange he's willing to give up a 5 year relationship because she wants to go away for a few months. I think he's calling her bluff tbh

Op my friend was with a guy for 1 month when he went to oz and they made it work. 15 years later and they have 3 kids. It's doable but from what I've learned (the hard way), no amount of traveling makes up for a good relationship.

I can also understand why he wouldn't want to move back home after moving in with his gf. Who would?

Hi Cara,

By bluff, do you think he means I won't go through with it? I don't know where his head is at sadly.

That's my fear, that I let go of him and regret it. He's an amazing guy and would find someone and make them happy. I've no doubt.

Am I a terrible person for moving in with him and feeling this way? I assure you I didn't 9 months ago and feel terrible over how I'm feeling right now

Augme

CaraMay wrote: »

I would agree but it's strange he's willing to give up a 5 year relationship because she wants to go away for a few months. I think he's calling her bluff tbh

Op my friend was with a guy for 1 month when he went to oz and they made it work. 15 years later and they have 3 kids. It's doable but from what I've learned (the hard way), no amount of traveling makes up for a good relationship.

I can also understand why he wouldn't want to move back home after moving in with his gf. Who would?

I was under the impression this would be a lot longer then a few months.

CaraMay

Op I'm a lot older than you and like a lot of my friends I finished relationships in order to go see the world and meet other men etc. I'm now many years later back with my ex but I regret the years I wasted. I wish we had kids together younger and went on our own adventures. Tbh there was no experience/ sight/ night out as important as a good relationship. I'm lucky a got a second chance. Many don't.

I don't think it's ideal to move in and then scoot off - sorry.

CaraMay

Augme wrote: »

I was under the impression this would be a lot longer then a few months.

A year isn't a long time if they are together since c20 years old for life

groovyg

Op you are still very young you are only 24 does he want to get married and have kids right now ? or when do you see it happening.

Augme

CaraMay wrote: »

A year isn't a long time if they are together since c20 years old for life

We'll have to agree to disagree on that. I think a year is a very long time not to see someone who you are in a relationship.

YouWotM8

groovyg wrote: »

Op you are still very young you are only 24 does he want to get married and have kids right now ? or when do you see it happening.

We agreed no talk of marriage until we're about 30. Kids around the same time or after.

Thanks so much guys..

CaraMay

YouWotM8 wrote: »

We agreed no talk of marriage until we're about 30. Kids around the same time or after.

Thanks so much guys..

Oh I dunno op maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy but I've seen lots of friends struggling to meet nice men later on after giving up guys they loved to travel. Ok travel is fantastic if it's an addition to a good life but not as a replacement for it.

groovyg

YouWotM8 wrote: »

We agreed no talk of marriage until we're about 30. Kids around the same time or after.

Thanks so much guys..

If you were only going for a year I think long distance is doable especially since you don't plan on getting married until you are 30. If you were to go for 3/6 months would he end the relationship as well? Like Augme I have a friend who started dating a guy who went off to Oz a few months after they started dating. He went off with his mates spent 6 months working in Oz then travelled around New Zealand and SE Asia for the rest. She went out to visit him on his travels for 2 months and then came back, five years later they are now married with a kid another on the way. I guess it depends on the couple and how much people are willing to compromise. Its definitely easier to keep in contact with people now thanks to social media.

YouWotM8

Hi guys,

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I spoke to my parents who think I should go. My dad suggested going over for 3 months once my friends are settled to see if that gets it out of my system.

I was out last night with my friends and it was all they talked about. I felt not only alone, but so envious. I resented that the decision came so easy to them even though I'm grateful to have my bf.

So it seems I'm mulling the 3 month option over in my head before asking him about it. The downside is that if we or I decide to do it we will probably have to move home to our parents (close by) to save money which won't go down well at all. He would potentially end it with me over compromising the life/home we built together I imagine.

Family and friends are telling me I have to be selfish before I'm too old to be but there's such weight on this decision.

Thanks all. Alot of thinking ahead.

CaraMay

YouWotM8 wrote: »

Family and friends are telling me I have to be selfish before I'm too old to be but there's such weight on this decision.

I find that a highly irresponsible thing to say to someone as its not going to impact on their relationships whether or not you go. It will only really impact you and your bf.

Would you consider paying your share of rent for the 3 months so he doesn't need to move out and you can just pick up where you left off (if he's willing). Tbh if I had just made the commitment of moving in with someone and she decided she wanted to p off with her friends, then it would be the end for me.

intheclouds

Why cant there be some compromise?

Could he take a career break and go with you for 6 months? Then do long distance for another 6 months, giving you a year travelling? Or even 4 months and 4 months - that way you would be compromising on the length of time?

I think that you are BOTH very young, but ultimately you have to do the things you want to do in life or you will regret it otherwise.

tara73

I think your bf is quite selfish and doesn't invest too much in this relationship. to put that pressure on you if you go it will be over is quite harsh in my opinion. that's no real love in my view..

I know a lot of people where one part went abroad during studies or even when working and there was never the strain in first place to end it. surely most of them were a bit afraid it could go that way when being apart for a longer time and having that physical distance between them. the possibility one or the other could meet somebody in the meantime was daunting on all of them but I don't know of anybody who seperated beforehand just because there's this possibility.

I know some of them also saw it as kind of a a good 'test' to see how stable and solid their relationship is.
I think it's it's kind of sad why he can' t maybe see it that way, let you go and see how it goes?

I understand his point that he's annoyed to give up the place you rent together. but as suggested, can't you pay the rent for three month or is it possible to get a friend/flatmate in for the time? I'm sure there's a solution to this.

All in all, if I would be you, I would do your traveling because you said yourself, if you don't go you will resent him at some stage in your life for keeping you from doing it.

PressRun

Personally, I'd go travelling. I think you're both still very young and travelling is a great experience, especially when you're with your mates. It's eye-opening and you'll do more growing up on your year away than you could imagine. And as you said you'd feel resentful of him down the line if you didn't go, perhaps it might be best to just get this out of your system.

Chocolate fiend

I think you should go, if you don't go you will end up resenting him and it will probably all go pear shaped anyway. In fact he is practically making you dump him with this ultimatum. Imagine you in 6 months sitting looking at your friends FB page and seeing all the amazing things that you could also be seeing, while at the same time sitting across from the man who stopped you from going.

The relationship is over already I would guess. Have your time in Oz, enjoy your life.

Magicmatilda

YouWotM8 wrote: »

I feel he thinks I'm not content with the life we have and I'm looking for more which upsets him.

Which is probably true. But that should be OK. You are 24 and all your friends are heading off. It sounds like he feels that if the above is true then it is because he is not good enough or something. Which may not be the case. But it sounds like he is making it all about him. If he is insecure that he is not enough then he needs to look at that, not use it to stop you from travelling for one year, which in the great scheme of things is not that long. He could go over for a holiday at the 6 month point. Loving someone is about allowing them to grow and nurturing them. Which he is not doing here.



I also find it concerning that he won't even discuss options with you. Like you mention it and he just says "oh well, I am not enough" and then shuts down. Maybe I am wrong and its not like that. But if it is then that is not a healthy method of communicating.

I went travelling with a friend when we were 22. She was living with her BF who she was with since 16. They didn't break up for it. Within weeks of us leaving in Oct he had booked to come out the following March and travel the last 3 months with her. They are now married with 3 kids. So it can work if the couple really want it to. It sounds like he doesn't though.

SarahMollie

TBH OP, I think your BF is afraid of losing you so it taking a hard-line position in an attempt to force you to stay.

Truth is that travel broadens the mind and that you may not be the same person when you get back. You might be more confident and independent. He probably knows this and fears how this would effect the balance of your relationship so is therfore giving you an ultimatum in effect.

Its not always possible to pick up where you left off.

LegacyUser

OP I was in the similar situation as you once, going out with a guy since I was 19, mad about each other. We both foresaw marriage, babies, the whole package. When I was 23, I was offered the opportunity to go travel the world. My bf had just started a good job so couldn't leave or take long holidays. I opted not to go, even though I was mad for travelling. Instead I took a job close to my bf and did the three week holidays once a year. All my close friends went travelling or immigrated to Australia for awhile. No matter how hard I tried I resented him for it, through no fault of his own, he had never tried to stop me going, but I loved him too much to leave.

Fast forward 3 years and my bf dumped me out of the blue. I found myself alone, still with the urge to travel, and no one to go with, as all my friends, and even acquaintances had theirs done. Finally I accepted that, at this stage, if I wanted to travel I would have to do so alone. Luckily, on my first trip away I met a girl in a similar situation as me and am now preparing to head off travelling the world with her for 6 months.

My advice to you OP is to go. You never know whats going to happen in the future and as someone once said to me "You never hear a person say they regretted travelling". The longer you leave it the harder it'll get - leaving your bf, your family, your friends, even your job, and it'll be difficult to find people to travel with. As I see it, if you and your boyfriend are truly meant to be together, you'll overcome it and make it work

frostyjacks

They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

Conor Bourke

frostyjacks wrote: »

They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

That's rubbish. It's not about affording to do it. The whole concept of working and saving to afford it, then budgeting along the way, getting jobs while abroad, living with strangers, partying, spreading your wings broadening your horizons and builds character and encourages independence when you're young.

The time is now. OP has her health and freedom now. There's no guarantee she'll even live to see her retirement (morbid, I know. Sorry) and even if she does, nobody knows what will happen between now and then. You can't blithely assume everything will be alright, she won't have any illness or financial issues by then.

OP life is short. If this is something you want to do, just do it. I'm inclined to agree with the poster above who suggested that your boyfriend has given you an ultimatum to try and scare you into staying. That's not fair. You're far too young to tie yourself down unnecessarily.

Alf Veedersane

frostyjacks wrote: »

They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

I don't agree with that. Only older people can appreciate travelling more? What if you're not physically able to do the things you wanted to do when you're older?

My Mam and Dad had plans to enjoy their lives together when they both retired. Except out of the blue, my mam was diagnosed with cancer and given three months to live.

Either way, the OP wants to travel in the not-too-distant future. Whether Ivan Yates is right or wrong doesn't really matter. There's a risk she will resent her boyfriend if she doesn't go especially considering he's gone off and at least done the J1.

The OP is willing to make some sort of compromise - he hasn't made any effort to.

OP, you kind of know the answer yourself. If you make a compromise and he makes no attempt to compromise, then, well that speaks volumes.

intheclouds

frostyjacks wrote: »

They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

Ivan Yates deliberately trolls to provoke a reaction.

I heard that piece on Newstalk and I couldnt believe how ignorant and narrow minded he sounded.

Theres a big difference between travelling in youth, broadening the mind and learning to rely on yourself and living on a shoestring than waiting til retirement and basically having "holidays" as opposed to truly immersing yourself in another culture by working and living it.

HelgaWard

frostyjacks wrote: »

They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

Don't agree with this at all. You are not going to have the same carefree, crazy, fun experience at 67 as you would at 24. You are not going to be happy to stay in a $10 a night, windowless room on the Khao san road, or head to the airport in the middle of the night to hop on the next available cheap flight. Life is for living now, not putting off until it's the 'right' time. The original poster wants to travel, she wants to live in a foreign country, she should go for it. A good partner will not want to deny the person they love anything. Her boyfriend should want her to experience everything she wants to experience. There is no reason why she could not go for a year and he could plan to come out and visit for a prolonged holiday.

PressRun

Yeah, saying that it's better to travel when you're old and retired is some of the worst nonsense I've heard lately. Travelling when you're young broadens your mind, forces you grow up and get some independence, and on top of that, it's great craic. An unforgettable experience for a young person. These things should be done when you're young and relatively responsibility-free.

mitresize5

OP - I was on your boyfriends side of the equation many moons ago.

Was seeing a girl for 5 years in my early 20's, two of which she was an unbelievable support to me during the worst time of my life.

She wanted to go travelling, I due to my life experience was in a rush to get a career, house, family etc .....

In the end we parted and it was the right thing to do. If she went and I stayed I'd have forever had it in my mind that I was the one who made the sacrifice to build a life for us. If she didn't she'd have held it against me.

Oddly enough not doing the few years travelling it is my only regret in life but at the time I was determined to catch up on what I felt I had missed out on career

I'd say go and scratch your itch .... you'll be long enough paying bills and working ......

cactusgal

frostyjacks wrote: »

They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

In a perfect world, sure. That was my father's plan, he worked six days a week, 50 weeks a year and saved up a good bit of money so that he could take early retirement. Had loads of travel plans.

My mother got early onset Alzheimer's a year later, and he has spent his retirement looking after her.

Life is a speedy and precious gift, and youth and good health are not to be taken for granted.

Also - your relationships with your friends are important, too, not just your relationship with your boyfriend. Another thing I learned from my folks is that just being one half of a couple is not enough. You need to keep up with your friends, bc if anything even happens to your partner, you need to have good friends.

YouWotM8

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the advice. I've been riddled with guilt for feeling this way and he's been so caring because he must sense there's something on my mind

tara73 wrote: »

I think your bf is quite selfish and doesn't invest too much in this relationship. to put that pressure on you if you go it will be over is quite harsh in my opinion. that's no real love in my view..

I know a lot of people where one part went abroad during studies or even when working and there was never the strain in first place to end it. surely most of them were a bit afraid it could go that way when being apart for a longer time and having that physical distance between them. the possibility one or the other could meet somebody in the meantime was daunting on all of them but I don't know of anybody who seperated beforehand just because there's this possibility.

I know some of them also saw it as kind of a a good 'test' to see how stable and solid their relationship is.
I think it's it's kind of sad why he can' t maybe see it that way, let you go and see how it goes?

I understand his point that he's annoyed to give up the place you rent together. but as suggested, can't you pay the rent for three month or is it possible to get a friend/flatmate in for the time? I'm sure there's a solution to this.

All in all, if I would be you, I would do your traveling because you said yourself, if you don't go you will resent him at some stage in your life for keeping you from doing it.

He flat out refuses to do long distance or go. He can be very insecure and I think he'd be afraid that surrounded by alot of guys over in Oz would plague on his mind. Like your friend's partner did!

I'm afraid to ask for more compromise in case he just thinks he's being unfair to me and calls it off for my sake in his opinion.

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Which is probably true. But that should be OK. You are 24 and all your friends are heading off. It sounds like he feels that if the above is true then it is because he is not good enough or something. Which may not be the case. But it sounds like he is making it all about him. If he is insecure that he is not enough then he needs to look at that, not use it to stop you from travelling for one year, which in the great scheme of things is not that long. He could go over for a holiday at the 6 month point. Loving someone is about allowing them to grow and nurturing them. Which he is not doing here.

I also find it concerning that he won't even discuss options with you. Like you mention it and he just says "oh well, I am not enough" and then shuts down. Maybe I am wrong and its not like that. But if it is then that is not a healthy method of communicating.

I went travelling with a friend when we were 22. She was living with her BF who she was with since 16. They didn't break up for it. Within weeks of us leaving in Oct he had booked to come out the following March and travel the last 3 months with her. They are now married with 3 kids. So it can work if the couple really want it to. It sounds like he doesn't though.

Yeah it can be frustrating, as if he thinks I want to go off to start a new life, whereas I see it as just a bit of a prolonged J1 if I went for even half a year. He doesn't shut down so much as gets sad thinking that I want to move my life away from what we have now. Which essentially is a life we could lead for 40 more years.

Simply put my BF won't leave the dog, though he won't say it. She's his pride and joy and he won't entertain leaving her for longer than a few weeks. Hence why if he wants to move abroad it has to be for good so she can come with us. I love the dog but this frustrates me.

SarahMollie wrote: »

TBH OP, I think your BF is afraid of losing you so it taking a hard-line position in an attempt to force you to stay.

Truth is that travel broadens the mind and that you may not be the same person when you get back. You might be more confident and independent. He probably knows this and fears how this would effect the balance of your relationship so is therfore giving you an ultimatum in effect.

Its not always possible to pick up where you left off.

I feel this too. It's very black and white to him. He experienced all of this on his travels. But I have no intention of splitting up if I were to go. It's his decision.

allwhowander wrote: »

OP I was in the similar situation as you once, going out with a guy since I was 19, mad about each other. We both foresaw marriage, babies, the whole package. When I was 23, I was offered the opportunity to go travel the world. My bf had just started a good job so couldn't leave or take long holidays. I opted not to go, even though I was mad for travelling. Instead I took a job close to my bf and did the three week holidays once a year. All my close friends went travelling or immigrated to Australia for awhile. No matter how hard I tried I resented him for it, through no fault of his own, he had never tried to stop me going, but I loved him too much to leave.

Fast forward 3 years and my bf dumped me out of the blue. I found myself alone, still with the urge to travel, and no one to go with, as all my friends, and even acquaintances had theirs done. Finally I accepted that, at this stage, if I wanted to travel I would have to do so alone. Luckily, on my first trip away I met a girl in a similar situation as me and am now preparing to head off travelling the world with her for 6 months.

My advice to you OP is to go. You never know whats going to happen in the future and as someone once said to me "You never hear a person say they regretted travelling". The longer you leave it the harder it'll get - leaving your bf, your family, your friends, even your job, and it'll be difficult to find people to travel with. As I see it, if you and your boyfriend are truly meant to be together, you'll overcome it and make it work

Thanks allwhowander. i was hoping to get the insight of someone who stayed for love. You've given me a lot to think about.

Can I ask did he say anything to prevent you from going or was this simply because you didn't want to be away from him?

frostyjacks wrote: »

They were talking about these J1 visas on Newstalk yesterday morning. I agreed with Ivan Yates; people have all the time in the world to go travelling when they retire, when they can better afford it and appreciate it more. It's a middle class indulgence to go travelling when you're better off focusing on your career and relationship in the now.

Thank you for your input. I'd like to disagree though in saying that my BF looks back very fondly on his travelling adventure and the hundreds (literally) of happy FB photos are a testament to this.

intheclouds wrote: »

Why cant there be some compromise?

Could he take a career break and go with you for 6 months? Then do long distance for another 6 months, giving you a year travelling? Or even 4 months and 4 months - that way you would be compromising on the length of time?

I think that you are BOTH very young, but ultimately you have to do the things you want to do in life or you will regret it otherwise.

He simply won't. He thinks it's too long or too far to maintain a relationship. I respect his opinion but I'm certain he's paranoid that his mind will wander while I'm gone. Something I've never given him reason to do.

He has no interest in long term travel after living abroad for his J1. It was a very sunny state and he got to live there for four months on the beach. So now I think he has no appetite to do it again. Plus he now has a dog he refuses to leave her for a few months.

mitresize5 wrote: »

OP - I was on your boyfriends side of the equation many moons ago.

Was seeing a girl for 5 years in my early 20's, two of which she was an unbelievable support to me during the worst time of my life.

She wanted to go travelling, I due to my life experience was in a rush to get a career, house, family etc .....

In the end we parted and it was the right thing to do. If she went and I stayed I'd have forever had it in my mind that I was the one who made the sacrifice to build a life for us. If she didn't she'd have held it against me.

Oddly enough not doing the few years travelling it is my only regret in life but at the time I was determined to catch up on what I felt I had missed out on career

I'd say go and scratch your itch .... you'll be long enough paying bills and working ......

That was brave of you. I think you were in my boyfriend's current mindset. Though not for a career, more just to leave it than work on long distance.

Can I ask. Did she regret leaving you at all on her travels? And did you both not try to rekindle after her return?

Thanks guys. I know in my heart I want to go but I don't think I'm ready to deal with the consequences.

Cupcake_Crisis

Hey OP,

As much as your bf is entitled to not want to go travelling, you are entitled to want to go. As someone who is currently living abroad, it's a fantastic experience and worth every second.

That said, I didn't have to leave a partner behind. Missing out on an experience like that will only breed resentment. While I can understand him not wanting to do long distance, that doesn't mean you have to completely remove each other for your lives.

I think you know in your heart or hearts what you want to do. It's a tricky situation, but you only get one life.

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend (now husband and father to our kids!) went on J1s to opposite sides of the States very shortly after we got together age 22. We made it work, somehow and are still together.

A friend of mine never went on a J1 but her OH did while in college (before he got together with her) . Fast forward a few years, they were in a relationship and she took 3 month leave from work to go backpacking around Asia with some work colleagues, while he stayed here in Ireland. She is now married to the same guy, and their first child is a year old.

Do you have to go live in Oz for a long period? Could you adjust your plans slightly? Can you at least discuss options with him? You are actually both very young (I'm in my early 30s btw!) and one of the first things that struck me on reading your post is that 24 is quite young to be moved in and settled down with a boyfriend for almost as year already. I actually think the "itch" is just going to get worse for you and really, he needs to at least have a few sensible discussions with you about it all. It can be done and can work if the effort is put into it.

red one

You said that your family and friends have encouraged you to go. Is there something more to this? Could they be thinking that you are perhaps too young to be so settled down?

HiGlo

It’s a very tough call alright, but I think you’re at the perfect age to head off to Australia with your friends. I went when I was a little older (26) and I a lot older than most of the backpackers you meet…
I can totally imagine how, from his perspective he reads it as he’s not enough for you – so if you do decide to go ahead and travel I think this will be an important factor in your communication with him surrounding this… He needs to be reassured that you’re not going looking for a better life – just some cool experiences in different places…. I would think that you need to be very sure of your motivation for travelling and communicate that to him over and over so he doesn’t feel you’re packing in what you guys have.

I’m someone who had the itch and had to go travelling in my 20’s. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time so it was an easier decision for me. I absolutely loved every second and I always vehemently recommend to others to do it. It’s a once in a lifetime experience to head off backpacking and basically being on holidays for a year or whatever. I’ve done some amazing things and had amazing experiences and met some awesome people – some who were like family to me for 6/8 months…. I have great stories to tell and great memories to disappear off into on a daydream. I’m definitely on the side of the fence of “do it!”…. But I’m not ignorant to the sacrifice you’re making.

I think the suggestion of following your friends out or even just heading out for a few months to start with and see how you get on. At the end of the day, you might discover that you’re a home bird and miss your boyfriend/family too much and it’s not worth it and you want to go home – you just never know!

When I went travelling one of the girls I travelled with was in a relationship and it was a tough decision for her. She came out with us with the intention of staying about 8 months. As it happened her boyfriend had a family bereavement so she went home, but she came back again (unfortunately she then had her own family bereavement so that was the end of her trip), but they are going strong as a couple. Married with a little boy (it’s 10 years since we went travelling). Also, another friend of mine really wanted to travel so left her boyfriend at home and came out to Oz on her own. She had a ball and he ended up following her out and joining her for a month or two and they went home together. Still together too, married with 3 children.

I think, for me, the most important thing in this decision will be your communication with your boyfriend. Make sure that he has no doubt that this is about you, not him or the two of you as a couple. Reassure him that you are not giving up on you guys.

YouWotM8

adfg wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend (now husband and father to our kids!) went on J1s to opposite sides of the States very shortly after we got together age 22. We made it work, somehow and are still together.

A friend of mine never went on a J1 but her OH did while in college (before he got together with her) . Fast forward a few years, they were in a relationship and she took 3 month leave from work to go backpacking around Asia with some work colleagues, while he stayed here in Ireland. She is now married to the same guy, and their first child is a year old.

Do you have to go live in Oz for a long period? Could you adjust your plans slightly? Can you at least discuss options with him? You are actually both very young (I'm in my early 30s btw!) and one of the first things that struck me on reading your post is that 24 is quite young to be moved in and settled down with a boyfriend for almost as year already. I actually think the "itch" is just going to get worse for you and really, he needs to at least have a few sensible discussions with you about it all. It can be done and can work if the effort is put into it.

I would gladly discuss options with him but as soon as I bring it up again I'm effectively screwed. He's a very hard person to have these conversations with him that hint that we won't be a perfect couple forever.

As soon as I bring it up he'll have a fit, then come back and talk about it. I doubt there will be compromise.

red one wrote: »

You said that your family and friends have encouraged you to go. Is there something more to this? Could they be thinking that you are perhaps too young to be so settled down?

Alot of my family settled down earlier and I think my parents and friends don't want me to miss out on life's experiences. They love my BF but they're very aware of how young we are effectively acting like a much older couple.

HiGlo wrote: »

It’s a very tough call alright, but I think you’re at the perfect age to head off to Australia with your friends. I went when I was a little older (26) and I a lot older than most of the backpackers you meet…
I can totally imagine how, from his perspective he reads it as he’s not enough for you – so if you do decide to go ahead and travel I think this will be an important factor in your communication with him surrounding this… He needs to be reassured that you’re not going looking for a better life – just some cool experiences in different places…. I would think that you need to be very sure of your motivation for travelling and communicate that to him over and over so he doesn’t feel you’re packing in what you guys have.

I’m someone who had the itch and had to go travelling in my 20’s. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time so it was an easier decision for me. I absolutely loved every second and I always vehemently recommend to others to do it. It’s a once in a lifetime experience to head off backpacking and basically being on holidays for a year or whatever. I’ve done some amazing things and had amazing experiences and met some awesome people – some who were like family to me for 6/8 months…. I have great stories to tell and great memories to disappear off into on a daydream. I’m definitely on the side of the fence of “do it!”…. But I’m not ignorant to the sacrifice you’re making.

I think the suggestion of following your friends out or even just heading out for a few months to start with and see how you get on. At the end of the day, you might discover that you’re a home bird and miss your boyfriend/family too much and it’s not worth it and you want to go home – you just never know!

When I went travelling one of the girls I travelled with was in a relationship and it was a tough decision for her. She came out with us with the intention of staying about 8 months. As it happened her boyfriend had a family bereavement so she went home, but she came back again (unfortunately she then had her own family bereavement so that was the end of her trip), but they are going strong as a couple. Married with a little boy (it’s 10 years since we went travelling). Also, another friend of mine really wanted to travel so left her boyfriend at home and came out to Oz on her own. She had a ball and he ended up following her out and joining her for a month or two and they went home together. Still together too, married with 3 children.

I think, for me, the most important thing in this decision will be your communication with your boyfriend. Make sure that he has no doubt that this is about you, not him or the two of you as a couple. Reassure him that you are not giving up on you guys.

Thanks HiGlo, some excellent advice on how to approach it. I know in my heart now that even if for a few months, I have to do this. I'm going to try everything in my power to make him feel like this is just about me getting this out of my system rather than fancying a different life away from him. It's going to be tough. He will not take it well.

I'm going to tell him tomorrow. He's out with friends tonight and I don't want to ruin his evening.

Wish me luck guys. Pretty scared all together.

Witchie

Best of luck!

tara73

well done on making this decision!!! you are doing the right thing. don't let yourself be dragged down too much if he reacts nasty and tries to make you feel bad.

as said I don't think his behaviour is that of a real loving one...

YouWotM8

So I know how annoying it is when people don't see these threads to their conclusion...

So I told him this morning as calmly as I could. That I love him and our life and I want a future, but I need to do this for myself or it will destroy us in the future.

He did not take it well.

Flipped out telling me it's over. I tried to explain that I'll pay the rent and return I just wanted a calm discussion on compromise.

He said their's no compromise. It's over. He's moving to London to be with his friend. He's cancelling the lease tomorrow. I know he's lashing out but he was very assured in his words once he calmed down. I'm happy in how I communicated that I in no way want to end us. That it's just something a lot of other couples deal with in youth and it's a short amount of time in the grand scheme of our life together.

He said it's absolutely black and white and to go abroad and we can try again when I'm back, maybe. I went home to my mothers to give him space and said if he's willing to reach a compromise once the news settles to contact me.

So, that's done. I'm happy with how i handled it. **** situation but I won't live my life festering resentment that will hurt him more.

Thank you all so much for the amazing advice and insight. You've given me the courage to fulfill my dreams.

CaraMay

God he sounds awful. Looks like you had a lucky escape

Witchie

CaraMay wrote: »

God he sounds awful. Looks like you had a lucky escape

Am not sure that is entirely fair. The guy is having difficulty seeing how it would work and overreacted. Maybe when things calm down for him and he chats to a few people about it, he will see how unreasonable he was and things could still work out fine.

Well done OP. Now start planning your trip so that you don't change your mind and let him know when you are going, when you intend coming back and tell him that you love him, won't be cheating on him and when you come home you will be ready to look at your lives together again.

Best of luck and enjoy your adventures.....I am planning on heading off myself in September so if you bump into an auld woman travelling on her own, say hi!

OU812

Well done. Go now, travel & see the world. Have many adventures and be assured you'll grow as a person & realise that it was always meant to be this way.

Conor Bourke

Witchie wrote: »

Am not sure that is entirely fair. The guy is having difficulty seeing how it would work and overreacted. Maybe when things calm down for him and he chats to a few people about it, he will see how unreasonable he was and things could still work out fine.

He's had his fun, done his travels, doesn't want her to experience something similar and appears to care more about leaving his dog than her leaving him?

It sounds fair enough to me.

Sound Bite

Great decision. Best of luck with it.

If you are right for each other you might get back together when the time is right. I know plenty of couples who broke up young only to get back together in later years.

Could be concerned about his communication and stubbornness though.

LegacyUser

He's cancelling the lease and moving to London to be with his friend.

Is the dog going too? Or does the dog even feature in this sudden move - that can apparently be done so easily? The dog that apparently was such a decider for travelling further afield??

Jeez OP, fair play to you. You sound very mature, and I know you're probably hurting. Hang in there, you are still so young and have so much life ahead of you. I know I will sound very cliched no matter what I say, but enjoy your travels. You regret more the things in life that you don't do than the things in life that you do, and I feel you would have regretted it greatly if you didn't at least try this. Best of luck to you and take all the opportunities it offers .