An impossible situation

magneticimpulse

I'm also shocked like other posters that he has a problem leaving Ireland to go traveling but is ok to move to London.

Anyway I'm glad op you are traveling. Better now then when you have a house or kids or other obstacles in the way. My brother missed out on interrailing and J1 with his friends as his ex's didn't want to travel. Thankfully he has made up for it now by living in another country (and his ex's actually ended up living in other countries too).

You only have one life and there is plenty of years to settle down in your 30s/40s. You are only young once and it's true about backpacking. It's something you can do til 28 or so but after that will be more costly as you will want a nicer hotel etc.the golden oldie tours are four times more expensive than any of the younger tours. Also the age group for backpacking is 18-30/35 normally. And it's therefore easier to meet people.

It's the best experience ever and will change your mind about the world. You will also try many new things and experience.

Have a ball, don't look back and you won't have any regrets.

What's meant for you won't pass you by and if this guy truly likes you he would be there for you and support your choice to travel

JRant

YouWotM8 wrote: »

So I know how annoying it is when people don't see these threads to their conclusion...

So I told him this morning as calmly as I could. That I love him and our life and I want a future, but I need to do this for myself or it will destroy us in the future.

He did not take it well.

Flipped out telling me it's over. I tried to explain that I'll pay the rent and return I just wanted a calm discussion on compromise.

He said their's no compromise. It's over. He's moving to London to be with his friend. He's cancelling the lease tomorrow. I know he's lashing out but he was very assured in his words once he calmed down. I'm happy in how I communicated that I in no way want to end us. That it's just something a lot of other couples deal with in youth and it's a short amount of time in the grand scheme of our life together.

He said it's absolutely black and white and to go abroad and we can try again when I'm back, maybe. I went home to my mothers to give him space and said if he's willing to reach a compromise once the news settles to contact me.

So, that's done. I'm happy with how i handled it. **** situation but I won't live my life festering resentment that will hurt him more.

Thank you all so much for the amazing advice and insight. You've given me the courage to fulfill my dreams.

Hi OP, first up I hope you have a great time on your travels.

Unfortunately your actions do not show your boyfriend that you either love him or see a future with him. You've chosen a year long trip away with the mates over him and that would be a very tough thing for anyone to take.

I don't blame him for being black or white on this issue. LDR are a nightmare and more often than not end in heartbreak and sorrow. The stories here are the exception rather than the rule. For every 1 couple that makes it 10 breakup.

Also regarding compromise, the only one on offer was for him to like it or lump it not much of a choice there really as you had already made up your mind.

He reacted very poorly to you telling him, no doubt about it, but I have a great deal of sympathy for him. He presumed you two were building a life together, had moved in etc. That's all gone for him now because you've decided to go to the other side of the world with your mates for a year. You should cut him some slack and see how things pan out when he's had a chance to digest this news fully.

Alf Veedersane

JRant wrote: »

Hi OP, first up I hope you have a great time on your travels.

Unfortunately your actions do not show your boyfriend that you either love him or see a future with him. You've chosen a year long trip away with the mates over him and that would be a very tough thing for anyone to take.

I don't blame him for being black or white on this issue. LDR are a nightmare and more often than not end in heartbreak and sorrow. The stories here are the exception rather than the rule. For every 1 couple that makes it 10 breakup.

Also regarding compromise, the only one on offer was for him to like it or lump it not much of a choice there really as you had already made up your mind.

He reacted very poorly to you telling him, no doubt about it, but I have a great deal of sympathy for him. He presumed you two were building a life together, had moved in etc. That's all gone for him now because you've decided to go to the other side of the world with your mates for a year. You should cut him some slack and see how things pan out when he's had a chance to digest this news fully.

The OP isn't choosing a jolly with her mates over the boyfriend.

She is choosing a life experience for herself, similar to one her boyfriend has had.

She wanted to go away for a year but was willing to compromise on the timeframe and hoped he would join her for some of it. He offered no compromise.

JRant

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

The OP isn't choosing a jolly with her mates over the boyfriend.

She is choosing a life experience for herself, similar to one her boyfriend has had.

She wanted to go away for a year but was willing to compromise on the timeframe and hoped he would join her for some of it. He offered no compromise.

But that's exactly what she has chosen. Call it a jolly or "life experience" or holiday but it all boils down to the same thing.

The boyfriend heading off on J1 while single has absolutely no bearing in this as far as I can see. If the OP felt this strongly on travelling perhaps she shouldn't have made a commitment to or moved in with him.

The OP sees her friends gearing up for their trip and wants in. I don't blame her for one second, I'd go as well. However I can also see it from the other side as I would never have a LDR. He's at home working 9-5 while the OP will more than likely be out partying with all her single friends and meeting new people. That's only going to end one way and it won't be a good outcome for the boyfriend.

intheclouds

JRant wrote: »

But that's exactly what she has chosen. Call it a jolly or "life experience" or holiday but it all boils down to the same thing.

The boyfriend heading off on J1 while single has absolutely no bearing in this as far as I can see. If the OP felt this strongly on travelling perhaps she shouldn't have made a commitment to or moved in with him.

The OP sees her friends gearing up for their trip and wants in. I don't blame her for one second, I'd go as well. However I can also see it from the other side as I would never have a LDR. He's at home working 9-5 while the OP will more than likely be out partying with all her single friends and meeting new people. That's only going to end one way and it won't be a good outcome for the boyfriend.

Sorry to be cliched here but if the BF loves her he should be happy for her to do something that makes her happy and enriches her.

It is ONLY a temporary thing.

My husband went off to the UK to do a course at the beginning of our marriage and although I was sad that I wouldnt see him for 3 months I completely encouraged him to go and do it.

What about people who have relationships with people in the military or who work for shipping or oil companies - they endure many long absences. It is entirely possible to do it.

Alf Veedersane

JRant wrote: »

But that's exactly what she has chosen. Call it a jolly or "life experience" or holiday but it all boils down to the same thing.

It doesn't really. A jolly/holiday wouldn't be sufficient justification. If it's a life experience the OP feels like she is missing out on then there's an entirely different motivation

JRant wrote: »

The OP sees her friends gearing up for their trip and wants in. I don't blame her for one second, I'd go as well. However I can also see it from the other side as I would never have a LDR. He's at home working 9-5 while the OP will more than likely be out partying with all her single friends and meeting new people. That's only going to end one way and it won't be a good outcome for the boyfriend.

The OP wanted to go on a J1 but didn't because of her boyfriend. There has always been a desire to experience life abroad and has been mentioned before to the boyfriend so. Painting it as something she's just decided to do because her friends are off is inaccurate.

No one expects the OP's boyfriend to take it brilliantly but he has at no stage indicated that he could see her side of it and there has been no indication that a compromise was on the cards, not least because the dog. The dog he's decided didn't matter now that he's decided he's off to London anyway.

I would absolutely sympathise with him but that doesn't go hand in hand with apportioning blame.

But his behaviour was ultimately shi*ty. Sympathy dwindling.

JRant

intheclouds wrote: »

Sorry to be cliched here but if the BF loves her he should be happy for her to do something that makes her happy and enriches her.

It is ONLY a temporary thing.

My husband went off to the UK to do a course at the beginning of our marriage and although I was sad that I wouldnt see him for 3 months I completely encouraged him to go and do it.

What about people who have relationships with people in the military or who work for shipping or oil companies - they endure many long absences. It is entirely possible to do it.

And to flip that argument around, if the OP really loved him she wouldn't want to head off with her friends for a year.

Life is only a temporary thing. That's why if I was the OP I'd go travelling and if I was the BF I'd finish it.

3 months away for work is nothing, especially in a marriage where the commitment has already been established between two prople. Imagine your husband came in from work today and told you he was heading to the other side of the world with a gang of single friends for a year. I'm sure you'd be ecstatic for him and have no
Issues whats so ever.

None of those jobs require you to ne away from home for 12 months partying so I can't see the relevance here.

JRant

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

It doesn't really. A jolly/holiday wouldn't be sufficient justification. If it's a life experience the OP feels like she is missing out on then there's an entirely different motivation



The OP wanted to go on a J1 but didn't because of her boyfriend. There has always been a desire to experience life abroad and has been mentioned before to the boyfriend so. Painting it as something she's just decided to do because her friends are off is inaccurate.

No one expects the OP's boyfriend to take it brilliantly but he has at no stage indicated that he could see her side of it and there has been no indication that a compromise was on the cards, not least because the dog. The dog he's decided didn't matter now that he's decided he's off to London anyway.

I would absolutely sympathise with him but that doesn't go hand in hand with apportioning blame.

But his behaviour was ultimately shi*ty. Sympathy dwindling.

They are one and the same. As a wise man once wrote, a rose by any other name is still a rose. No amount of sugar coating it changes the fact that as far as the OP's BF is concerned he's second fiddle to her friends and travels.

The OP clearly indicated that not going on a J1 was 100% her decision. I never even implied that she has decided out of the blue to go travelling but she certainly should not have strung the BF along if 1: she had this burning desire to travel and 2: the BF made clear from early that he didn't want this.

I've already stated that he handled himself poorly, no doubt about it. I can understand why though, he's hurt, angry and doesn't know how to process this news. He seems to have made himself clear that if the OP decided to go then their relationship was over. So when he hears that she's going, to him it's the same as being dumped. It's probably irrational but he's not the one changing the goalposts in the relationship.

Just to be absolutely clear, I'm not apportioning any blame here. I can completely understand where both parties are coming from.

intheclouds

JRant wrote: »

And to flip that argument around, if the OP really loved him she wouldn't want to head off with her friends for a year.

Life is only a temporary thing. That's why if I was the OP I'd go travelling and if I was the BF I'd finish it.

3 months away for work is nothing, especially in a marriage where the commitment has already been established between two prople. Imagine your husband came in from work today and told you he was heading to the other side of the world with a gang of single friends for a year. I'm sure you'd be ecstatic for him and have no
Issues whats so ever.

None of those jobs require you to ne away from home for 12 months partying so I can't see the relevance here.

Im sorry, but the analogy just doesnt flip. Why can the OP not want to go off for a year AND still love him? I think thats a very stagnant view of relationships and freedom within relationships. She was in fact willing to compromise and she also wanted him to come along so he had choices too.

Sure, of course I would be happy for my husband to go off for a year and travel with single friends, if that is what HE wanted to do. You cant keep someone chained to you - they will be with you if they want to be. Sure, id be sad that Id miss him, but if I MADE him stay or threatened divorce then thatd be worse wouldnt it?

I personally know individuals who have done long tours of duty (not irish people) while married, or transferred and were unable to bring the rest of the family until school places opened up. Im talking 12 month periods.

I also know an irish couple who during the recession the hubby went to australia for 2 years and sent money home because he couldnt find work here.

Anyway, specific examples are meaningless, the point is - if you love someone, you should encourage them to fulfill themselves and be happy. If that entails them going off for a year travelling - then so be it. If you dont then you end up with a resentful partner. Why would you want to control someone anyway?

Alf Veedersane

JRant wrote: »

They are one and the same. As a wise man once wrote, a rose by any other name is still a rose. No amount of sugar coating it changes the fact that as far as the OP's BF is concerned he's second fiddle to her friends and travels.

They're really not.

JRant wrote: »

The OP clearly indicated that not going on a J1 was 100% her decision. I never even implied that she has decided out of the blue to go travelling but she certainly should not have strung the BF along if 1: she had this burning desire to travel and 2: the BF made clear from early that he didn't want this.

String the boyfriend along? How so? It has been brought up several times as something the OP wants to do.

JRant wrote: »

I've already stated that he handled himself poorly, no doubt about it. I can understand why though, he's hurt, angry and doesn't know how to process this news. He seems to have made himself clear that if the OP decided to go then their relationship was over. So when he hears that she's going, to him it's the same as being dumped. It's probably irrational but he's not the one changing the goalposts in the relationship.

Just to be absolutely clear, I'm not apportioning any blame here. I can completely understand where both parties are coming from.

I can understand him being upset. I can't understand him making up reasons and then deciding he was going to abandon those meaningful reasons.

But ultimately, the OP was probably going to end up resenting the boyfriend in time for being the reason she didn't get to live abroad, experience a different culture, a different lifestyle (as opposed to a holiday). It's best for both if she goes now and if they rekindle in the future, so be it.

JRant

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sorry, but the analogy just doesnt flip. Why can the OP not want to go off for a year AND still love him? I think thats a very stagnant view of relationships and freedom within relationships. She was in fact willing to compromise and she also wanted him to come along so he had choices too.

Sure, of course I would be happy for my husband to go off for a year and travel with single friends, if that is what HE wanted to do. You cant keep someone chained to you - they will be with you if they want to be. Sure, id be sad that Id miss him, but if I MADE him stay or threatened divorce then thatd be worse wouldnt it?

I personally know individuals who have done long tours of duty (not irish people) while married, or transferred and were unable to bring the rest of the family until school places opened up. Im talking 12 month periods.

I also know an irish couple who during the recession the hubby went to australia for 2 years and sent money home because he couldnt find work here.

Anyway, specific examples are meaningless, the point is - if you love someone, you should encourage them to fulfill themselves and be happy. If that entails them going off for a year travelling - then so be it. If you dont then you end up with a resentful partner. Why would you want to control someone anyway?

Of course the OP can be both in exactly the same way that the BF can love her but still be willing to finish things with her.

There's nothing stagnant or old fashioned about wanting to actually have a physical relationship with your partner.

Were they really compromises though?
How long was she intending to go for, 6 months, 9months, 12 months? Plus who's to say she'll even return home. Asking him to go seems like a bit of a smoke screen as she knows where he stands on it and he would be like a spare wheel anyway with all the single friends together.

I can tell you I'd be devastated if it happened to me. I'd never dream of trying to stop someone doing something they loved but if my OH told me she was going away with her single friends for a year I'd make the best decision for myself and finish it there and then. That's not trying to control someone else, merely doing what's best for me. In the same way there going travelling would be best for them.

Again, I'll repeat myself here, I can see where both sides are. It's a really tough situation for both parties.

SarahMollie

Anyone else feel like there are a lot of posts going back and forth yet basically agreeing on most points?

I don't feel this thread will advance until we hear from the OP again.

@OP - any update? Is the London thing for real or is he just posturing? Any thaw in relations? And most importantly..... what happened to his dog?!?

JRant

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

They're really not.



String the boyfriend along? How so? It has been brought up several times as something the OP wants to do.



I can understand him being upset. I can't understand him making up reasons and then deciding he was going to abandon those meaningful reasons.

But ultimately, the OP was probably going to end up resenting the boyfriend in time for being the reason she didn't get to live abroad, experience a different culture, a different lifestyle (as opposed to a holiday). It's best for both if she goes now and if they rekindle in the future, so be it.

They are the same thing though. The OP is going travelling, which is just another term for a holiday.

Moving in with him and signing a lease is a pretty crappy thing to do (even if, as in this case, it was unintentional) and is certainly stringing him along.

He's hurt, angry and emotional. The chances of him doing any of the things he said would be very low IMO. He was lashing out after being hurt and he was 100% wrong to do it.

If they talk once he's had a chance to come to terms with it he may have a different outlook, who knows?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Hope this hasn't been mentioned before.

But could you not compromise and go for 3 months - the same lenght as a J1.

Also I'm not sure you're blameless with his admitidly poor behaviour when you confronted him with your plan.

Giving him a hypothetical ultimatum is not the way to discuss matters maturely. In fact it seems like very little discussion was had.

He listened you dictated.


Hope this helps and best of luck ;-)

CaraMay

The bottom line is she should have done this before moving in with him and making that commitment. To most people, living with someone is a commitment. She moved in and then decided to p off leaving him to go back to his parents. I would be mightily annoyed too. The way she has gone about it is very selfish.

SarahMollie

CaraMay wrote: »

God he sounds awful. Looks like you had a lucky escape

@CaraMay - just to remind you of your previous post!

Taltos

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